"Hold the pose," Luka commanded. I looked at the boy in front of me with shiny bright eyes with Tacos by the side and a drawing pad in front of him. How did I get here? One minute I was trying to explain to him that I had lots of stuff to do after practise. The next I was trying to list all the reasons why I wasn't going to leave school with him and the next I'm leaving with him, we were getting food from a food truck and driving to the ocean. I stared at the ocean, relaxing and breathing in the clean air. It made sense why Luka said being by the water was his best thing. His eyes were focused on travelling between me and his drawing pad. There was nothing for me to do except to sit still, breathe, and stare at him. I'm still in awe of how I feel whenever I look at him. It's like fireworks and warmth explode inside my chest and I'm overwhelmed with affection and tenderness. The need to never see him hurt or lack or suffer just engulfs me. My mom was right. I have it so bad for h
I was gathering my things to leave when he entered with a tray full of food. "I didn't expect you to get dressed so soon," he called out and dropped the tray beside the bed. "I do like your outfit choice though." I was wearing his clothes since mine were wet. A grey pants that were exact to his that I had rolled up at the waist to shorten its length and so that it sat well on my waist. I paired it with a black tee shirt which had the finest cotton material I've ever touched. I was struggling to slip on my shoes, not bothering to answer him. He came to stand in front of me and pulled my hair sharply which made me wince in pain, "ouch. What was that for?" "Why are you ignoring me? I went to get food for you and I came back and you're getting ready to leave." "Maya has been calling you." I informed rolling my eyes. "Okay and so?" He asked in anger. "Is this your way of telling me something again, by choosing her?" He scrunched up his face and I walked to the bathroom to gather my
My ears were ringing. Her lips were moving but I couldn't hear anything she was saying. It's like a wall has been erected between me and her and no communication could pass through. I felt bile rising in my throat and the strong urge to throw up everything I just ate. With shaky hands I raised the abandoned glass of water on the table to my lips, spilling some over in the process. It quelled the nausea temporarily but it didn't do anything to stop the squeezing feeling in my chest. It took me a while to calm down but when I did the first question I asked was when? "Before he took a two years hiatus from school. It was the last party he attended. I finally stopped being the shy girl and I went." This didn't match the story in my head. Luka told me that he had to leave one night after a fight with his father. He just woke up and realized that if he stayed under his house one more night he would go mad so he just got on a bus and kept running. What if it wasn't his father that he w
My phone pinged with a text and I rushed to it, ruffling my wet hair with a towel as I picked it up. It wasn't Bella, it was Paula asking me about something and I couldn't help hissing and flinging the phone to the bed. It's been two days since we last talked. She was barely answering my messages and when I called her last night her voice was groggy like she was asleep and I had to end it quickly. I also messaged her this morning if she wanted to hang out with me and the guys but she hasn't replied all day. I know we saw each other just three days ago but I was missing her and I know I have it bad at this point. I padded barefoot to the closet and searched for what to wear and chose a black shirt and blue jeans. A simple slip on will have to serve for footwear and I used my Tom Ford scent for the evening. All I'll be doing now is to hang out at Dylan's house instead of going to the club. I feel like she is still mad at me regarding my leaving her alone to move on to college. It's
"Isabella!" The shrill scream of my sister's voice pulled me back to the present and I rushed to put off the gas. The smoke alarm was whirring loudly already and in my rush, I put my hand to the pot to remove it from the fire and it burnt both my fingers and the insides of my right wrist that touched the metal side of the pot. I dropped the pot in pain from being burnt and it fell on the floor in a large clang. The rest of the oat mixture that was burnt black and congealed, spilled out with some of it splashing on my legs and the rest all over the floor. I jumped back and screamed in pain at the hot liquid. Annie-Marie rushed to put off the stove and I went towards the sink and put my hands under the rushing water to cool of the burning sensation. My eyes filled with unshed tears as I stared at the patch of skin that was turning red, the smoke in the air and the mess on the floor. It was the appropriate description of my life. A hot, big mess. I soaked a towel to wipe off the par
What's this about?" He asked with a frown. I shrugged trying to make it seem as natural as possible. "Nothing much." "Liar. There is something you want to tell me, I can see it in your eyes." Luka asked concerned and pulled my fingers to rest on his laps instead of mine. He stroked the skin gently and his touch was soothing. I shook my head and felt my chest squeeze with guilt pangs. "Luka I.." The shrill yell that came from downstairs and the loud crashing sound had us pulling apart and rushing downstairs with me following closely behind. The question I wanted to ask him about Tammy was suspended. The scene downstairs had a shocked gasped leaving my mouth and I stayed back on the stairs not bothering to fully enter the dining area where it was happening. Luka's mom swayed from sides to side clearly drunk and wobbled on her feet before grasping the edge of the dinning table. Just opposite her was Luka's dad who apparently had just missed a wine glass being swung at his head, she
LUKA"I don't think this is the right place for this," Bella muttered and I shook my head in disagreement. It had to be now. Something was going on, and I had to get to the root of it now. Bella looked worried, while Tamara looked at me with so much spite. Has she always looked at me with this much hate or was I just picking it up? We did grow up together in the same neighborhood. We weren't particularly best friends, but there was no major resentment causing situations between us either.Her mother trudged down the stairs, clumsily securing the big blue robe she had on by the sash at her waist and pushing off her hair that part had come out of a ponytail. We all turned to look at Bella's mom as she looked at us and frowned, sensing the weird energy in the room.."What's going on here?" Bella's mom asked while pouring some water into a clear glass and taking a sip. "Can we just take this outside?" Bella begged looking from Tammy and back to me and I shrugged and moved towards the
There's so much running you can do from the truth before you finally accept it. I'm not the type to promise girls; rainbows, flowers and forever. And even when I do, they won't believe me because I'm not the type that they can easily trust. If it was Jamie with his boring flannel shirts and glasses, everybody would trust their hearts to him easily and that I hate the fact that for once I'm jealous of him. With me, it's good that they distrust easily anyway. Lack of expectations won't hurt them, the problem is that I wanted them to have expectations or a little faith. At least now I know better and I'm going to accept myself fully for what I am. The blue nano lights of the club were bright enough for me to see what was going on around me. Everyone was drinking, dancing or making out in their most skimpy outfits and seductive scents. This isn't my usual scene. Yes I do frequent bars and clubs but I've never been to this particular one. It was reserved for the one percent of the elite
My hands trailed on the rough skin on Bella's thigh with so much concentration that I didn't miss it when she flinched away. The loving and tenderness that I have spent the last one hour coaxing into her skin was gone. In its place was the rigid straightening of her spine and shoulders, an indication of how tense she suddenly became, almost as if she knew what was coming.The last six months we have been living in a bubble. I had accepted that it was okay for her not to say those three magical words that used to make my heart soar back to me, but lately it's been getting to me. Or maybe it's the way she never wants to talk about the 2 year gap in our relationship, or the baby we didn't know we had but lost. I want to know if she still secretly blames me for what happened. If every single time she sees the scars she hates me the way I do myself. I didn't mean to but I sighed loudly, my shoulder drooping before I rolled her body away from mine and got up padding softly to the bathroom
"I'm really sorry for the part I played in this. Especially knowing that you saw everything that happened that night. We staged a ruse and didn't take you into consideration and for that I'm sorry. Luka is my friend, and all I want is for him to be happy. He means so much to me that's why I came here and I told you my side of the story, it's up to you now whether you believe it or not." Erica ended and got up to leave. I couldn't bring myself to nod or acknowledge her. She had shown me proof that she was after all in a relationship with someone then, who was a professor at their school and telling me this could put her in trouble but she had chosen to do it anyway. I don't know what I was expecting to feel when the 'proof' came, but I'm not sure it's this. If I don't have the usual anger or person to blame for all my predicament then where do I stand? What is this deflated feeling I have in my stomach? Like a balloon punctured at the far end. "Bella," Luka began after a whi
The ride down to Luka's place was one of the most uncomfortable rides I've ever had to endure. My reference to his trysts with other girls was like an elephant in the room. It made me irritated and angry but he looked sad and kept giving me glances which I acted like I wasn't aware of. It was a different apartment from the last one which came to me as a suprise. But what I didn't expect was to see a fur covered, energetic dog launch at me. It did occur to me to go back to the shelter and ask about her wellbeinh after I got out of the hospital but I always assumed she would have been adopted or have moved on without remembering who I was. The moment she saw me she barked loudly and ran to me, wagging her tail. She remembered me, and that made me so warm and happy inside. I spent the next few minutes sitting there on the floor of Luka's studio apartment recieving her licks and hugs and reciprocating her love with my belly rubs and hugs. It took a while before she went on to greet Luk
Life was slowly and steadily returning to normal. Did I cry alot after that phone call with Luka? Yes. Did I fight the urge to go to him and be sure he is okay concerning the pregnancy bombshell I dropped on him? Yes. Did I think he'll show up after that night and actually accept responsibility to apologize for the way every thing turned out? Again Yes. But he didn't. Somehow, whatever I said to him must have resounded with him because he stayed away just as I asked. And it took a while but I took a day at a time. I showed up to classes, I smiled when it was necessary and went to as much of the freshers parties I could go to while my therapist tried to make sure I didn't loose my mind. Day in day out, I told myself that now that I have confronted Luka with all the hurt and the pain, I didn't need to see him again and I was happy that he didn't show off so why was he here now and why did I feel the familiar warmth and twinge in my chest that was usually there whenever I was near h
LUKAKnowledge isn't always power, it's sometimes pain. The kind that has you buckled over like you were kicked in the nuts. Nothing about this all consuming pain makes knowing about everything feel powerful. l feel powerless. With no single idea on how to fix this. My eyes burn and my wrist hurts from drawing and painting all day today. I also felt weak all over. When I drove down to Bella's dorm room last night all that was going on in my head was that I needed it not to be true. That there was a way out, a slim ray of hope that still gives me a redeemable chance but it had turned out to be the opposite of that. Not only had the details of what happened over the one year that I had stormed into my dad's office to get, found out to be true there were also more. Like a baby, a child between Bella and I that had miscarried. So much has happened, and I have no idea how I'm going to fix it. I haven't slept in almost 72hours. From the flight down home, to the flight back to going to
BELLA"Who is there?" I snapped. The loud noise coming from the person banging at the door repeatedly and forcefully echoed around my little room. "Who is there?" I called out even louder than earlier and was met with no response, just continuous, loud, pounding on the door. I thought about ignoring the person since they didn't answer me, and also because it was too late at night to be calling on someone since it was raining heavily. I grabbed my phone, "if you're not going to answer, I'm calling Campus security." The knocks and pounding stopped for a while after my threat and I heard the person curse out loudly in a strange language that wasn't totally foreign to me, since I knew the accent. Before I could come up with a solution, the loud knocks continued. I opened the door intent on giving the person a piece of my mind if it was who I thought it was and I was right. It was Luka. He was standing there soaking wet from the rain with his teeth chattering from cold and his eyes re
LUKAI woke up with an insane need to vomit and shot out of the tiny bed, searching with my eyes for the nearest toilet before I did it all over the floor. I barely made it to the toilet bowl before I found myself puking all over the cramped toilet floor. I puked and puked till I started to retch and my entire body felt weak and tired. Where the fuck am I and how did I get there? I lay back down on the cold floor, a little farther from the mess I just made but close to the toilet seat, and rubbed my head trying to remember bits and pieces from last night. It was the same thing from the last few days. I went out to drink, then Dylan joined me and the night ended with me drinking to stupour basically.I looked around the room, the toilet floor did look clean and I had zero energy to lift my body up right now anyway. The patterns on the floor of the toilet were faded like it had been scrubbed off due to use. From my position on the floor I couldn't see past a flowery pattern shower c
BELLA"I ran into Luka at school." I tried to make my declaration as unimportant as possible so that my mom wouldn't be alarmed or throw a fit and I must have succeeded because she didn't say anything. She was putting away the groceries and if not for the slight pause in her movements I would have thought she didn't hear me. "Ma, did you hear me?" I asked just to be sure. "It's been more than two weeks now why are just telling me?" My mouth opened on its own when she said that. "How...how did you know?" I managed to stammer out. "Are you having me followed?" I chuckled at the question, "nah, we don't have enough money for that." "Seriously mum, how did you know?" "Why else did you put your head on my laps and was crying some weeks ago? And what else could be the reason behind you moping? The only reason you're telling me now, is because you're moving to the dorms tomorrow." Wow. Nothing ever passed by this woman. Nothing. As in Zilch, Zero, Nada. "Just because I didn't say a
LUKAI threw my bag to the floor and fell on the couch like a sack of potatoes before sighing loudly. Sam, who when she heard the door open ran up to me wagging her tail in excitement followed me now to the couch and I stretched to pat her on the head. It did make me feel good everytime I walked in and there was always someone excited to see me. I barely had any time to think about my sad life and everything that happened today; from seeing Bella earlier to her running away, to me going back to school to finish up some school work to coming back home.But I know that I'm tired, very much so. I really think it's more mental exhaustion than physical. I guess I deserved this cold treatment but it didn't mean that it didn't hurt cause it hurts like a bitch. I got up and trudged to the fridge to get a bottle of water and the moment the cold liquid entered my stomach in protest it grumbled. I haven't eaten anything almost all day. I opened the fridge to search for something I could eat