Chapter Thirty-five

Chapter Thirty-five

Sam

Chloe: You’re never going to believe this

My heart actually skips a beat, thinking she found out about the baby. I have to tell her when I get home. There’s no getting around it this time.

Me: What am I never going to believe?

Chloe: I told my dad we’re coming back to Silver Ridge and he and Wendy are out of town again. He really wants to have dinner with us and lecture you about taking care of his daughter.

Me: I’d expect nothing less from him.

Chloe: He’ll go easy on you, don’t worry ;-) I already told him we’re both able to travel back and forth to see each other so we can make things work.

And now I’m back to feeling like a fuck-up. Because I can’t travel, and it’s more than just that. I’ll be co-parenting with someone I don’t love, and when Chloe does come to see me, there’s a good chance Stacey will be around—for the first few months at least.

No matter how much I love Chloe, how much I want her and only her, I know this is going to change the course of our relationship.

Me: How are you feeling?

Chloe: Like poo :-/

Me: I’m heading out soon…just have to finish some patient notes.

Chloe: Good. I’m so chilled I need to snuggle with you.

I put my phone down and finish up work so I can get home to Chloe. Traffic is slow, giving me time to come up with a script in my head of what to say to Chloe.

I knocked up my booty-call. I love you, not her, but if the kid is mine, I’m going to take care of it and be the best father I can be, even if that means—

Fuck, I don’t want to do this. I go over it again in my head as I enter the apartment building.

“Sam!” someone calls, and I come to a sudden halt. I know that voice—fuck—and turn to see Stacey.

“What the hell—” Blinking, I cut myself off. “What are you doing here? Is everything all right?” My heart skips a beat and I fight the urge to turn and make sure Chloe isn’t coming off the elevator.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I wanted to talk to you.”

“So, you came here?” I don’t mean to be blunt, but this caught me off guard.

“I was in the neighborhood.” She smiles and looks around the upscale lobby. “I missed the way this place smells. Weird, isn’t it? How I crave smells more than I crave food?” She laughs. “I’m gonna have to ask what kind of air freshener they use so I can get it at home.”

“What did you want to talk about?” I ask, eyes going to Stacey’s midsection to see if she’s showing yet. I know some women start showing very early in pregnancy and others don’t until they’re nearly halfway through. Stacey doesn’t have the slightest bump yet.

“It’s a little awkward,” she starts, wrinkling her nose. “But, um, you said you wanted to be involved.”

“I do.” If the kid is mine, that is. “How can I help?”

“I want to start buying stuff for the baby.”

“Oh, uh, right.” A lot of people wait until after the twelfth week to start shopping, and Stacey is several weeks past that. It is time to start prepping…and the thought makes me want to hyperventilate.

The first family get-together after Rory told us she was pregnant was filled with excitement and our mother planning a laundry list of things to do. Items to buy. People to invite to the baby shower. Names to use. Names not to use. It was fun, everyone was happy, and the baby was loved by his whole family right away.

I don’t want to take those things away from Stacey. She should be excited. She should decorate a nursery and spend hours looking at lists of baby names. She should have a baby shower and know she doesn’t have to go through it alone.

And this baby should be loved right away as well.

But no matter how hard I try, I can’t get excited. It makes me feel guilty, and I wish so much Chloe was the one having my baby instead of Stacey.

“What do you want to get?”

“Like everything,” she laughs. “Though I want to wait to find out if it’s a boy or girl before I buy some stuff, like the bedding and clothes, of course.”

“You should be able to find out soon,” I tell her, trying to get just a spark of excitement to ignite inside of me. “You’re far enough along.”

“Yeah, maybe.” She waves her hand in the air. “You can just give me cash and I’ll go shopping.”

“Oh,” I say, not expecting that. “I, uh, can go with you.”

“I figured you’d be busy. And I need maternity clothes. You always hated when I went clothes shopping.”

“Oh,” I repeat, not knowing what else to say. I want to be involved and I thought Stacey wanted me to be involved too. I pinch the bridge of my nose and then rub my forehead. “I’ll go with you.”

“The cash would be easier,” she laughs and playfully nudges me. Her touch feels wrong.

“Yeah.” I rarely carry cash on me when I’m going to and from work. If I had a bunch of cash in my wallet, I’d just give it to her to make her leave before she and Chloe somehow bump into each other. “But I meant it when I said I wanted to be involved.”

She smiles. “Well, in that case, my car is kind of old.”

I blink. And then blink again. Is she—no, she can’t be. But yet…what? “You bought it two years ago. I went with you.”

“Yeah, but it was used and only seats four.”

I open my mouth only to snap it shut. Even if she had twins, they’d fit in the backseat.

“And I was looking at safety ratings and there are a lot safer cars out there. I assumed you’d want what’s best for your child.”

What the fuck am I supposed to say? Of course I want what’s best for my child. “I do.”

“Your car is nice. BMWs have good safety ratings. I’d love to have an M6 like you.” She giggles and inches closer, reaching out to touch my arm.

“It…it’s a really nice car,” I say slowly, eyes darting behind her to the hallway where the elevators are located. I got annoyed when Rory told me Stacey was nothing more than a gold-digger because I took it personally, like I was stupid for falling for her act. But if she’s seriously asking me to buy her a car that costs over a hundred thousand dollars…

“But something like an X3 would be fine too. I’ve done my research. They have great safety ratings.”

“They do,” I echo, still in a suspended state of shock. I don’t know how to react to any of this. I don’t wish anything bad on Stacey, but simply want her out of my life so I can build one with Chloe…which is kind of hard to do if Stacey really is carrying my child. I need her to get a paternity test as soon as possible, yet I know Stacey and have a good guess how she’ll react when I tell her we need to have one done.

“I’d love one just like that. For the baby. I’d be a stylish soccer mom.”

“It’ll be a few years before the baby is playing soccer.”

She flattens her hand on my bicep, laughing. “True, and good point. I’ll want something newer by then. And who knows, maybe we’ll have another in that time."

“Stacey.” My brows furrow and I step back. “I told you. I’ll be there for the child, if it’s mine, but me and you…we’re over.”

“If it’s yours?” She purses her lips and puts her hand on her hip. “I told you, the timeline matches up.”

“I believe you, but I know neither of us were exclusive at the time, and I think—”

“I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else in June,” she snaps. “And you called me to come over for a late-night booty call, remember?”

My eyes fall shut and the world spirals around me. Chloe is upstairs in my apartment waiting for me. She’s everything I've ever wanted, the only woman I’ve ever truly loved. She’s a quick elevator ride away, and yet here I stand, in the lobby of my apartment building, with the stark reminder that no matter what I do, I fuck things up.

“I know.” I let out a breath and look Stacey in the eyes. “I want a paternity test either way. That way there’s no question.”

She casts her eyes down, lips tightly pressed together, as she quickly shakes her head. “You’re really questioning me?”

“I just want to be sure. There’s a paternity test you can do before the baby is even—”

“Aren’t those dangerous?” she rushes out. “They stick a needle in…ughh.” She puts her hand over her stomach and shudders.

“No, this is a different kind of test. I don’t know much about it, but all you need is a blood sample from you and a saliva sample from me. There’s no risk to the baby at all. I’ll pay for it.”

“Sure, I guess. So we can do it at the end, right?”

“We can do it now. You’re far enough along. I had a whole three minutes to G****e this between surgeries today, so I can’t give you a lot of details, but all you need is an ultrasound to make sure you’re not carrying twins.” I look past her at the elevator again. “I know some OBs don’t order one until you’re twenty weeks or so, but we can get one done before.”

“Abusing your doctor status?” She giggles again and moves closer.

“No, I’m not going to order one. I meant we could go to one of those places that does ultrasounds for non-medical reasons.”

“Oh, right. My cousin had a few of those 3D ones done. The baby looks freaky.”

“Yeah. Rory had one done too,” I mumble, not sure what else to say. “We should, uh, find a time to sit down and talk about everything and schedule the ultrasound soon.”

“We have plenty of time.”

“The time will pass fast,” I say and feel like I’m going to throw up. Fuck. “We only have until the first week of March.”

“Yeah, I think so.” She inches closer, tipping her head. “You’re going to make such a good dad, you know that, right?”

“I, uh, I…I hope so,” I force out. Stacey’s phone rings and she quickly pushes her hand into her purse to get it. Frowning when she sees who's calling, she lets out a sigh. “It’s a client,” she huffs. “My job doesn’t offer paid maternity leave, you know.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Right?” She shakes her head, short dark hair falling around her face. “I’ll have to figure something out, though. Childcare is expensive and I really want to be home for at least the first month or so.”

“That is ideal for…for the both of you.” The surreal feeling hits me again, taking me back to the only time I discussed—with some seriousness—how I’d like to raise my children. It was a few weeks before Rory had Adam, and she was wrestling with going back to work or not. She loved her job and worked hard to make it through nursing school. But Dean makes enough on his own to provide for the family, meaning she didn’t have to go back to work if she didn’t want to.

I’d never really put much thought into it before then, never really saw how unfair it is to put that pressure on the mother. Go back to work and you’re accused of not being there for your kids. Stay with your children and you don’t want to provide for your family. You lose no matter what you choose.

I make more than enough to provide for my family. I don’t have a preference either way to the mother of my children working or staying home full-time with the kids. I just want us all to be happy. If my wife wants to work, then she’ll work. If she wants to stay home, then I’ll do everything I can to make that happen. It wouldn’t matter. We’d be a family, and we’d figure it out together.

But having a child with Stacey…that didn’t work into any of my plans. It hits me right then just how careful and calculated I’ve been in my life. I would have laughed if you told me I was the kind of person who put thought behind every action, but standing here, feeling like I’m hovering above this very thing I call my life, I see it.

I did the things I was good at…the things I knew would be accepted.

I pushed Chloe away because opening up to her posed the biggest risk of my life: getting rejected by the only person in the entire world who meant anything to me.

College. Pre-med. Med school. Residency. And then taking the job here at this hospital. It was all part of a plan I didn’t know I’d carefully made. I controlled what I could so I wouldn’t have to admit it to myself and could keep living in denial that my life wouldn’t be complete without Chloe.

And as soon as I have her, everything turns upside-fucking-down.

My life still won’t be complete without her. She is every goddamn thing to me.

“I’m starving and am having dinner with my sister. I haven’t told anyone yet, don’t worry.” Stacey leans in, lips turned up in a smile.

The elevator doors open, and a woman with dark red hair steps out, head turned down as she looks at her phone. It’s not Chloe, but I’m reminded yet again how precarious this all is…and how much is on the line. What if I hadn’t gotten here at this exact moment? What if Stacey had gone up and knocked on my door? Would Chloe have answered? And then what? My throat tightens at the thought of it…of Stacey telling Chloe she’s pregnant.

“Call me later?” Stacey says.

“Yeah, I’ll call you. And keep me updated on everything. I’d really like to go to that first appointment with you.”

“Sure. I’ll see what I can do.” She holds her hand up and wiggles her fingers before turning around and walking back through the lobby. I want to be in my child’s life, but I don’t want to be in Stacey’s…and I know that’s not possible.