CHAPTER 1

''I don't have the chance to say this but I’m proud of what you have achieved and accomplish. Im the happiest when all of our conversation regarding to our career plans are slowly turning into reality. I will pray for your success and please continue chasing for your dreams. Know that, i will always be happy for your future achievements.'' Inayos ko ang aking paghiga habang pinipigilan ang mga luhang pilit lumalabas sa’kin mga mata.

''I may not know your reasons why you turn your back on me but whatever it is, i forgive you even it hurts a lot.

To leave and decide not to see you again is too painful thinking those times your here with me, here by my side im use to it but i need to do it, i need to close this chapter of my life for me to start over. If ever when our paths may cross in the future, i hope we could say 'hello' without hesitation. I wish you well, take care my love.'' hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luhang kanina pa nagbabadyang lumabas, malaya itong naglakbay sa’king mukha.

I’m reading the message that I've send week ago and i didn't recieve response as i expected. It's been half a year since we’ve broke up, hell half a year! But Im still in the process of what they called moving on. Am i? Am i moving on? Hindi ko magawa, hindi ko magawang burahin ang mga ala-ala namin... masayang ala-ala na binuo namin ng magkasama. Those memories... those days that I have felt ecstasy, those memories are flashing back in my head.

How can i even move on? If our fuckin' memories keep on hunting me everynight, everyday, everytime!

Im disturbed by the bitches who freely entered my room without my permission

''Hey Azh morning, wake up!'' maligayang bati ni Alli sa'kin

Inismidan ko sya bago sumagot ''wake up? I didn't even feel asleep at...'' tumigil ako sa pagsasalita para lingunin sila ''At pwede ba? kumatok muna kayo bago pumasok!''

Alli opened the window dahilan para ma iirita ako sa sunlight coming from it.

''Alli!'' singhal ko sa kanya

''Shed light dear'' she said then tumabi kay Xy na nasa couch

''Azh, come on! stop thinking about your stupid ex!'' sigaw ni Xy sa'kin na kanina pa busy clicking her phone.

''hindi mo kailangang sumigaw!'' sigaw ko pabalik sa kanya

''You need it para magising ka! stop being miserable and lock yourself in this room, stop isolating yourself!'' paninirmon ni Xy sa'kin

''Uso move on beh!'' dagdag pa niya at umirap sa'kin

''Ang h-hirap, akala mo ba madali lang yang pinapagawa mo!''

''Azh, we're just concern to your physical and mental health you dont deserve this'' ani ni Alli na may halong pagaalala sa tinig nya, kitang-kita ko rin ang awa sa mga mata nya.

I understand them, I didn't took care on myself anymore palagi akong puyat, mugtok ang mata kakaiyak, nagkukulong sa kwarto, nakakalimutan ko na rin pati ang pagkain sa tamang oras. Sino ba naman kasi ang hindi masasaktan sa tatlong taon? For Pete's sake! 3 fvcking years? yung mga ala-ala, yung mga bagay na palagi naming ginagawa, yung mga pinupuntahan namin, yung mga pangarap naming dalawa na akala ko sabay naming aabutin akala ba nila ganun yun kadaling kalimutan?

"Azh it doesn't matter how hard the shit is! how deep and terrible it feels because keeping that shit locked inside you will always feels so much worse than letting it out! " sermon ni Xy sa'kin habang inaayos ang mga kalat sa sahig, wala rin akong ganang maglinis sa ngayon.

I love the idea how she tried to convince me na mag move on, to let go of this fvcking feelings. I also really want to! but I— I just can't.

I thought life are all about rainbows and cupcakes only, i thought happy ever after do really exist but i was wrong. Our love story is almost perfect he is a perfect boyfriend material for me; kind, caring, loving, responsible, a man who aim high for the future, plus points his looks his masculine body at anim na malulusog na pandesal, his so freaking handsome too, every girl would fall into his loving blue eyes which can hypnotize you in just a glare and can make you kneel in your knees.

Those years that I spent with the person I wish I could spend my whole life with, feels like heaven that everyone would love to reach. I think I've reach my satisfaction in life, i got a career, stable life, and i have him, the love of my life but then time comes he change.

I good news knock on our door, nakatanggap sya ng malaking trabaho, after he signed the contract we celebrated it together. Sobrang saya pa namin ng mga panahong iyon not until week had past he change and treated me cold, ilang linggong hindi sya nag paparamdam o kahit mag-update man lang sa'kin, he didn't answer my calls nor reply on my messages. Though I respect his personal life dahil pareho kaming nasa showbiz industry kaya kung may tao mang mas makakaintindi kung gaano sya kaabala sa trabaho, ako yun. A single text would relieve me, para man lang mabawasan ang pag-aalala at pag-iisip ko pero wala, wala ni ha, ni ho. I didn't bother na puntahan at abalahin sya dahil maging ako man ay abala rin sa ginaganapan kong pelikula.

Its Wednesday at exactly 4 o'clock I check my phone noong nagka free time ako and i giggled when his number appeared in the screen. I was so excited to open the message ngiting-ngiti pa ako kasi ba naman sa ilang linggong he didn't update me sobrang na-miss ko sya. As i opened the message my smile fade away, the message says that he wants to cut his tie with me, he wants a break up without any explanation or reasons.

At first hindi ako naniwala, sino ba namang maniniwala sa isang mensahing ganon? Isang break up message na wala man lang paliwanag?

I texted and called him countless times pero hindi nya sinasagot, ramdam na ramdam ko ang kabog sa aking dibdib na para bang gustong lumabas ng puso ko sa lakas ng pagpintig nito.

After an hour of worrying and overthinking... thinking of the possible reasons behind this, nakapag-desisyonan kong puntahan sya sa shooting place nila.

I rush and recklessly drove myself there, my heart palpated abnormally, my knees trembled and I can't think right that time. I am carried away with my emotions and failed to act normal that caused me shame.

When I got there I was stunned looking at man I love who promised to protect me from anyone who will cross and try to harm me but he fail... he failed to protect me from him, from the pain he caused me that's now torturing me everyday.

I found him there kissing his leading lady. As I’m watching that scenario a lot of questions have cross in my mind.

How he could do this to me? Kissing his leading lady, nasa script ba yun? Parte ba yun ng act? to kiss that girl in the private room!? i was surprised, shocked and— i didn't know, i don't know what to feel or how to react I was just stunned, hindi ako makagalaw ni hindi ko namalayan na may mga likido na pa lang lumalabas sa aking mata. Ang sakit, seeing who promise to protect me, betrayed me. I think my heart broke into million pieces na parang tinusok-tusok ng karayum, I don't even know what word should I use that will suit to what i felt that time, I never felt this way before.

I don't care about the crowd anymore, about the people that might see me crying like a fool. Kung alam ko lang na ganoon ang madadatnan ko sana 'di nalang ako pumunta roon!

I trust him a lot thats why it really breaks my heart na makitang yung taong pinagkatiwalaan ko ng sobra sya pa yung taong wawasak sa’kin ng ganito. Do you know how painful it is to see the man that you've invested your trust to betray you? Their right, trust is the hardest thing to gain but the easiest to break.

Hindi ko maintindihan yung sakit na nararamdaman ko.

I was just stood on that corner crying over the man I love when someone hold my hand and drag me papasok sa isang kotse. Nang makapasok ako sa sasakyan tsaka ko pa nakilala ang taong humila sa akin, its Jihyo his bestfriend. He said nothing and just drive, yun nalang ang huli kung maalala kasi nagdilim na ang paningin ko.

I woke up in my room. My heart started aching again when i recall what had happen, I cant believe na gigising na lang ako na wala na ang lahat. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko at that time nadala na kasi ako sa sakit na nararamdaman ko buti nalang at nandon si Jihyo baka hindi ako naka uwi ng ligtas kung sakaling ako ang nag drive mag isa with that condition.

Jihyo was always there by my side everytime may problema ako o hindi kami nagkakaintindihan ni Wayde, his my crying shoulder even he dont comfort me nor utter a single word, alam mo yung nanjan lang sya sa tabi ko wala syang sinasabi, he didn't do anything naka upo lang at hinihintay akong tumahimik at makatulog hindi nya ako iniiwan hanggat umiiyak pa ako but his not comforting me also, his wierd right? but im use to it ganyan sya palagi.