Ch. 1 A Father's Pain

Katalina's POV

Twenty-three hours. That’s how long I’d just spent assisting with the labor and delivery of the pack’s newest twins. I’d trained under Dr. Ruben to become the pack midwife for the past three years so I was more than prepared to handle any unforeseen issues. But other than a long labor and the added effort of pushing out more than one baby, everything went smoothly.

I should be exhausted after the all-nighter with no sleep. I’m sure the bone-deep fatigue would hit me as soon as I got anywhere near my bed but right now, I just felt energized. My wolf, Cara, was buzzing with excitement in my head, making me restless. I was going to take advantage of the endorphin-high to walk home and stretch my legs.

“Cara, what is up with you today?” I asked my overly energetic wolf. “I know you love meeting new pups, but you’ve been up all night too. You should be exhausted by now.”

“I don’t know. I can’t explain it.” She hummed in my head. “I just feel like something exciting is going to happen today.” 

“Something more exciting than delivering twins? I’m not sure I can handle any more excitement than that today.” I muttered tiredly.

“Meeting our mate and having pups of our own! That would be more exciting!” Cara announced with an enthusiasm I didn’t share. 

“Please don’t start that again. I’m too tired to argue about this right now!” I huffed at her. 

“Doesn’t need to be an argument.” She grumbled, but let it go and drifted to the back of my mind. 

It was the same conversation we’d had at least a thousand times, but no matter how often I reminded her what it was like to lose a mate, shared my painful memories with her, she still never gave up. 

I understood where she was coming from. I really did. Witnessing the joy of such momentous occasions as the birth of a child into a loving family was what made the unpredictable and often long hours of being a midwife so worth it. And it was almost enough to make me want that kind of love and family for myself one day. Almost.

Unfortunately though, not everyone appreciated the Goddess-given gift of a fated mate. As far as I was concerned, there were just too many ways it could end badly. Admittedly, it was rare for a fated pair to ever cheat on each other or engage in any behavior that would likely bring their mate pain or damage their bond in any way. But it did happen. 

A small fraction of us managed to resist the pull. I hoped to be one of those who found the strength to resist. My stubborn wolf obviously did not agree, even knowing my reasons and having lived through my same pain. But I could be just as stubborn. And in the end, I knew she would see I was right. She just needed time to come to terms with it. 

Cara was still excited to find our own destined mate, but I hoped we never would. My past experience with mate bonds had left me broken in ways I never thought I could overcome. I couldn’t take the chance of being hurt again. There just wasn’t enough of me left to survive it. 

My mother died when I was sixteen. We still didn’t know what happened. She was fine one day and gone the next. Wolves don’t get sick. We could be killed but even that is rare. Unless an injury was catastrophic, our wolf would heal us. We didn’t die of cancer or heart disease or any other human ailment. For a wolf to die for no apparent reason was unheard of. Dr. Ruben did an autopsy on my mom but couldn’t find a cause of death. He said it must have been some type of rare genetic disorder that went undetected.

That was five years ago and I still mourned her death every single day. But my own grief paled in comparison to that of my father’s. The death of a mate was so devastating that many times, their partner died soon after. Watching my beloved father suffer through that pain and anguish was and still is heartbreaking. I knew he wanted to follow her into the afterlife, but he refused to leave me here alone. So he hung on, and fought through the grief.

I thought the pain of losing my mom and best friend was gut-wrenching. But listening to my strong, reserved father cry himself to sleep every night threatened to rip my heart right out of my chest. He never let me see him break down, but for a long time he wasn’t really present either. 

I would sometimes find him sitting in her favorite chair just staring at her picture. In those moments I knew he was wishing he was with her. Dad had come so far since those dark days. Someone who didn’t know him would probably never guess at the loss he’d suffered. I was not sure his heart would ever be whole again though. Regardless, I decided long ago that I would never give someone the power to leave me suffering that way.

“I lost our mother too, you know.” Cara piped in again. “Even though I was newly born to you, I share all the same memories of her. And I lived through our father’s grief as well. But that doesn’t mean it will happen to us.”

“Maybe not. But that’s not the only reason and you know it!” I growled at her. She was pushing me to think about things I’d rather forget and I was losing my patience. 

“Yes. But HE was never meant for us. You should have walked away before he ever had a chance to hurt us.” She snapped at me. 

“That’s not fair and you know it!” I bit back. 

“Neither is denying me a chance to be with my mate!” She whined.

“That’s it! This conversation is over!” I shoved her to the back of my mind and blocked her out.