Four : mourning

I wrapped my hands around the coffin that my mom was in, crying my eyes out. The tears that came from my eyes could fill up a drum. My mom was gone. The second person I loved in the world was gone. I know, I'm not supposed to love anyone more than my mom but then again, love was very tricky. I loved Ben so much. He was my first.

And my mom, she was everything, she was not just a mother, she was also a father. My dad was just a waste of human being space in the family, all he did was get drunk and come home late. Ever since he got fired from his old job, he became miserable, he never even cared about finding another one. My mom became the breadwinner of the house, working every hour of every day in order for us to feed and go to school and have a good life.

All these things ran through my mind while I cried on top of my mom's coffin. Now that she was gone, how would we live? How would we survive?

"Martha, please stop, that's enough" Kelly said with a shaky voice. She pulled me away from the thing and wrapped her arms around me. Both of us sobbing on each other.

"Stop crying Kelly" I told her, seeing her cry was doing weird things to me.

"I'll stop if you stop" she said and pulled away, gazing my swollen face. She wipes a few tears away from my face.

"Its okay Martha, as painfull as it is, your tears won't bring her" she was right but I couldn't help nor stop the tears. I nodded slowly, drying my face with my blouse.

"So mummy is never coming back?" I hear my little sister's voice and my heart shrunk inside my chest. I pulled her in my arms, wiped her face clean. Just seeing her made new tears form in my eyes.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Lily, Mummy is never coming back. She has gone to heaven" she burst out crying and I grabbed her tightly to my chest. "She gonna be watching us from heaven" I added

"Who's gonna make break fast for me? Who's gonna carry me to school? Who's gonna do my homework?  Who's... "

"Shhh" I rubbed her back "I will, I will do everything that mummy does for you okay" I kissed her forehead before hugging her  again.

***

We were sitting in the small living room, silent. Lily already slept off in my arms after crying so much. Kelly had gone home and Liam was just sitting on the couch beside me, his chin rested on his fisted palms that stood upright on his laps. His eyes were blood red. I have never seen him like that before, so quiet, so affected by something.

"Oh Lord" my eyes darted to my dad who was sitting just opposite Liam, crying in a way that looked mocking. The sight of him at all was making my blood boil over a hundred degrees.

"Now we are going to suffer, your mum isnt here anymore" I shook my head in disgust. I really felt like scratching his face and removing some skin. When I looked over at Liam, his jaw was clenched, his knuckles looking white from the way he was digging his fingers into his skin.

"Your mom's gone, how are we going to survive" I felt adrenaline rush through my veins to every part of my body. I was about to speak but Liam beat me to it.

"Shut up dad! Just shut the fuck up!" His eyes widened and he straightened himself on the chair. I turned to Liam surprised. I did not see that one coming.

"You are a disgrace to fatherhood" he snapped, releasing his fists and planting them flat on his laps, "do you think being fired from work is the end of the world" he asked, his voice portrayed anger.

"You don't talk to me like that Liam" dad warned and Liam stood up from his seat, glaring daggers at our father.

"And if I did James!" Dad gasp as he heard Liam call him by his name. He struggled to get up but fell back down on his seat. My lips parted in shock. Is he drunk?

"Are you drunk?" I couldn't help but ask. He laughed and shook his head from side to side. Unwanted tears slip down my cheeks. That was the greatest height of disrespect. He wasnt even mourning mom, he went out drinking as usual. I couldn't take it, I couldnt look at the man thats supposed to be my dad. We used to be a happy family, what happened to him? I shook my head and got up, carrying Lily with me to our bedroom but not before hearing Liam's last words

"You are the worse James, am ashamed to call you my dad"