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439

Justus ducks into the den, and the second that he sees me, huddling in my skin, his eyes light on fire. A delicious spicy, muskiness fills the den. My heartbeat skips.He has blue fabric folded over his right forearm and a steaming bowl in each hand, and he stands in the entranceway like he’s forgotten what he came here to do.Suddenly, I’m aware of my bare bottom on the edge of his pallet. How my breasts smoosh against my knees. The trickle from my pussy that is immediately soaked up by his cotton top sheet.His chest is rising and falling like he ran back. His nostrils flare.In the back of my mind, the voice is shouting, but he’s not moving an inch, so I can ignore her.He clears his throat. “Can I bring you this?” he asks, raising the arm with the fabric and a steaming bowl. My stomach grumbles.I nod, keeping my eyes locked on him. In case he makes a sudden move. Not because he’s so tall and muscular and tattooed and bearded, and he has fabric folded over his forearm and a bowl l
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440

Maybe because he’s keeping his distance, and he’s not leering like a Quarry Pack male would. In a way, he reminds me of a scruffy pup who’s come across something fascinating like tadpoles or an ant hill. His interest isn’t creepy at all.When there aren’t any grownups around, sometimes Abertha will do tricks for the pups, pull buttons from behind their ears or make it seem like she’s levitating a few inches off the ground, that kind of thing. The littlest, shyest pups don’t crowd close and bug her to spill her secrets. They hang back, rapt.Justus is looking at me like that. Like I’m magic, and he’d best give me room because I might be dangerous.My spoon scrapes the bottom of my empty bowl.“Do you want more?” he asks.I shake my head and set the bowl down as far as I can get it from me.Much more slowly than last time, he prowls forward, bracing himself on one hand. His forearm and bicep flex to take his weight, and then he shifts onto his opposite knee and that thigh tenses. With e
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441

“But you’re my mate.”“But not really, though, right?” Why did I say that? I don’t want to go there. Ever. Certainly not right now while I’m sitting on his bed, post-panic attack, wearing a sheet.Heat sears my cheeks. I want to close my shutters and shut my door and turn the locks. Tuck myself into my shell.My gaze dives to the ground. The flush seeping across my chest is so intense that it heats my chin. I don’t want to talk about him and me.Right?So why did I say something? It’s like my deepest fears are in charge of this conversation.“This is real to me,” Justus says, his voice low and even, not accusatory or angry. He leaves it at that, falling silent.I could stop talking, too, drop the subject and shrink into myself until he gets bored and turns his attention to something else. That’s what I do, right? Hide.“But you don’t want it to be,” I say instead, and my face bursts into flame.Justus holds himself very still while he answers. “I don’t want my mate to fear me. Or hate
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442

The pecking voice should be rattling off these facts, but she’s grown eerily quiet.“Look at this,” he says, flipping to a full-page illustration.A tiny woman, Thumbelina, is kneeling on an enormous lily pad. In the murky water underneath, huge wide-mouthed fish with bulging eyes swim among the reeds. She covers her face with her hands in despair. A monarch hovers in mid-air, gawking at her while she cries.The colors are lovely in the lamplight—butter yellow, crimson, olive green—but I don’t like the picture. Thumbelina is scared and alone, and the butterfly just gapes at her while the fish swarm underneath, horrified surprise on their fishy faces. Something terrible is coming, and she can’t see it.Justus smooths the page with a calloused thumb. “It reminds me of you. That’s why I traded for it.”I feel like I’ve been socked in the stomach. “I have brown hair,” I argue. The woman in the picture is a blonde, but I know why the sad, weeping lady stranded on a lily pad reminded him of
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443

Justus grins.My gaze falls to his mouth. The bristles closest to his mouth are a slightly lighter brown than the rest of his beard. His canines dent his lower lip, but when his smile disappears, so do his fangs.Is his beard as scratchy as it looks? Are his lips as soft?Whistling softly, like he did when he was warning me that he was back with the stew, Justus reaches over and takes my hand, coaxing it from the book, and places it against his cheek. I let him.The patrols at Quarry Pack whistle when they pass our cabin or Abertha’s cottage, so I’m not startled. Is it a common thing, or did he pick it up from them when his wolf was stalking me?He nuzzles my palm. His beard is coarse. I let the pad of my thumb rest on his bottom lip. It is soft.He nips my thumb, gently, grinning for a brief second when I squeak. I snatch my hand away. But not too far. He chases my palm with his cheek until I cradle it again. Our faces are closer now. Inches away.How did I end up sitting so close to
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444

I’ve never heard a male say he’s been mistaken like it wasn’t costing him everything to say it, which is funny since females in the pack apologize all the time for things that aren’t even their fault.“We were young,” I say, letting him off the hook because that’s what you’re supposed to do when a male humbles himself—preserve his dignity at all costs. A male with hurt pride is dangerous.“I didn’t think,” he says. “I was so happy that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.”“Happy?”He glances down at the rug, the hollows under his cheekbones darkening. “You were all I ever wanted.”I wish I could believe him—my loneliness longs to—but I was never naïve enough to take that kind of thing at face value. “You wanted a mate, you mean.”He’s quiet for a moment, but then he draws a deep breath and gnaws his lower lip. “Stay here,” he says.Where would I go?I’m expecting him to leave the den, but instead, he crosses to the big basket and begins to unpack it. It’s a clown car. I have
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445

“Lost packs?”He shifts uncomfortably and glances up. “That’s what we call you. Quarry Pack, Moon Lake, North Border, Salt Mountain. Like you call us ‘last’. We call you lost.”“Why lost?”“Why last?” he shoots back.“Because your pack is the last one to still live in dens like the ancestors did.”His mouth quirks. “‘Lost’ because your people don’t know how to be what we are anymore. You’re losing the ability to shift. Your pups only shift if they’re traumatized, and most of you’ve forgotten how to balance the forms. ‘Lost’ because you want to be human. You keep your wolves caged and only let them out on full moons like they’re dogs that you walk. Because you don’t know any more what pack means.”“What do you mean ‘balance the forms’?” I ask.He flashes a small smile, and before I can blink, his beard turns to fur, his face becomes a snout, his eyes rotate to slant at the diagonal, and his nose turns into a black nub. He grins, baring sharp white fangs and black gums.I yip, startled.
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446

He jumps to his feet. I flinch and whimper. His face darkens, but he ignores the reaction and takes over with the box, shoving the lid on and returning it to the basket.“I swore I would. I keep my promises,” he mutters darkly as he stuffs the blankets, quilts, pants, and shirts on top of the box with complete disregard to whether the stacks are in the right direction. When he puts the lid on, it won’t close.I want to say sorry. I didn’t want to make things weird—well, weirder—but I didn’t have a choice either. When the panic hits, seeking reassurance is a compulsion. If I don’t, I freak out, and then things get really, really weird. I wish I could explain, but he’s an angry male, so I’m not about to open my mouth.The air around me is tainted by a slight burst of my fear. Whatever gland or chemical in my body creates it—and I definitely wasn’t paying attention that day in class—is still mostly exhausted. Justus’s nose wrinkles, though, and he freezes, his arms braced on the basket l
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447

JUSTUSI’m going to have to build a small fire pit outside the den. I’m walking as fast as I can back from the center of camp with a pot of boiling water, praying I get there before Annie wakes up and finds me gone, and I’ve managed to burn my hand twice.She woke up a dozen times last night, and each time, she immediately looked for me, and I pretended I was asleep while she watched me until she drifted off again.She’s scared of me and also scared that I’ll abandon her here alone. I don’t need the bond to tell me. I can read it clear as day on her face.She didn’t insist I take her home last night, though, and she liked the gifts. Her fingers petted the yarn and the leather case like she was stroking a baby’s cheek. She didn’t care much for the plastic thing. Can’t blame her. Still not sure exactly what it does, but it smells like human male in the worst possible way.Things could be going a lot worse. Meeting the pack didn’t go as smoothly as it could, what with Alroy being a dumba
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448

When our females approach the time that they become interested in males but don’t want attention from them quite yet, they’ll just wear their fur under their wraps for a few years. I guess Annie can’t do that. It’s all or nothing for her kind. I can’t even imagine.What do they do if they’re in their skin but there’s a sound in the distance, and they want to know what it is? How do they crack bones to get to the marrow? What if they want to crack a walnut? Do they go ahead and lose a tooth?Thankfully, by the time Annie passes me a cup, I’ve distracted myself from my hard-on so I can sit normally.“I’ll have milk and sugar for you tomorrow,” I say and instantly regret it.Her face blanches, and I clock the exact instant that the word tomorrow makes her remember that I stole her, and she doesn’t want to be here.She’s going to ask me to take her home.I can’t.Not now. Not yet.I hop to my feet, leaving my cup of tea on the floor.“We have to go,” I bark. “I have something I need to do
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