Simula

He's like the sun. He keeps me warm, yet he also depletes and burns me like a rapturous wildfire. I might need him or I'll succumb.

Hingal na hingal at halos hindi makahinga. Basa ng pawis ang aking buong mukha at malakas ang tibok ng puso. Isang mainit na luha ang tuluyan nang bumagsak sa aking pisngi habang sinusubukan kong magising. Gulong-gulo ang utak ko. There was no sound or light. Just the dead. The air smelt toxic, with a tang like blood. Napakurap-kurap ako, ngunit patuloy akong nilamon ng kadiliman. It was pitch black. A tremor of panic vibrated in my core. I was blind, lifeless, and restrained. I was practically dead, like a lamb about to be slaughtered. Kahit gaano pa ako tumakbo, walang paraan palabas kahit anong pilit ko. Walang nakakarinig sa akin kahit gaano pa kalakas ang sigaw ko. It felt like no one would come to my rescue. Sa totoo lang, I was very sca... red?

"S-Stop... Fvcking stop it!" 

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga naririnig ko. I couldn't stop the cacophony, even with my hands securely covering both of my ears. I tried to stop the ringing in my ears by hitting my head with my fist, but it just made things worse. I had no idea that they were in such agony! Pinagmumultuhan ng aking isipan ang mga boses na punong-puno ng kapootan na naglalaro sa kung anong sali-salimuot ng aking isipan. My battered skull was assailed by the violent hum of electricity racing through the air, prompting an agonized grimace. A steady dripping echoed all around me, although it appeared to originate from a single source.

A runny tap, or a leak in the roof.

Walang humpay itong nagmumulto sa akin. I truly wanted to run for safety, but my feet would not allow me to do so! Noon lang, bigla kong nasagi ang aking paa dahilan kung bakit ako nawalan ng balanse at natumba. Unang tumama ang ulo ko sa sementong inaapakan lang kanina. It was excruciatingly painful! Ramdam na ramdam ko ang paglapat ng aking ulo sa semento hanggang sa ganap na nawalan ako ng malay. 

Eyes snap open. How long I had been out cold? My lips were parched, my clothes were soaked, and hunger growled in my stomach. I squinted up my eyes to see how far down the rabbit hole I was and wondering what I was enclosed in, my eyes was transfixed by a shadowy outline of a man sitting up on the bed again as I was utterly immobilized in dread on my bed, as if the entire world was falling around me. Napalumiglig ako sa takot. He was looking down at me. Staring. Kinikilabot ako nito. Sa kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ako makalunok o makapagsalita, nanunuyo at namamaos ang lalamunan ko. Maya't maya'y may naramdaman akong isang magaspang na dulo ng daliri na dumampi sa paltos kong labi na bumaba sa leeg ko. That slight tremor increased in intensity until I physically shook in time with it. It was nothing short of a nightmare. I'll be awake in a matter of seconds. It was all a nightmare. Not true. Not real! Noon lang, the ghost squeeze my neck to death. My cry was silent, yet it pierced my skull. It whizzed around in my head, first in disbelief, then in terror, and eventually in agony. It was the most dreadful day in my entire stupid life, I'm not even sure if there is a word for how distressingly bad it was. I constantly wondered when this nightmare was going to end.

Something was restraining my arms. My legs, too, were immobilized, tulad ng napansin ko noong sinubukan kong pilit abutin ang kamay nitong sumasakal sa akin upang tanggalin ito dahil sa binibigay nitong labis na sakit. There is no air to breathe, kaya't ramdam na ramdam ko ang pressure mula sa aking dibdib at lalamunan. Nanlalabo ang aking mga mata at ang aking baga ay dumaranas ng matinding sakit at alam kong sa puntong iyon ang puwedeng mangyari. However, my every instinct forced me to fight this unseen enemy, upang takasan ang mga gapos na ito, upang tumakbong malaya muli.

But then, his hands sawed in deeper and drew blood.

"I warned you. You cannot escape me," malinaw niyang wika mula sa akin na sinusundot ang kaliwang bahagi ng aking dibdib na para bang tinutusok ng kutsilyo ang puso ko. Full of Inflate and hollow. I whimpers sa puntong hindi ko na makontrol ang aking paghinga, at malamang na nahihirapan sa paglanghap ng hangin na parang batang pinipigilan ang pag-iyak. It feels terrible. I cannot begin to imagine a more painful thing to hear from this ghost. Sigurado akong kilala ko kung sino siya. Gayunpaman, I have no recollection of his appearance. 

"Yorticia!" says a familiar voice, clanging inside my skull incessantly. I was deafened. My mouth was adamant about not opening. I was controlled by the fear like nothing else; it kept me silent and helpless. Maya't maya ay naramdaman ko ang isang maingat na haplos ng mainit at magaspang na mga kamay mula sa aking mukha na higit pa sa banayad kaysa sa anumang seda. His fingertips felt like 'Spring' that thawed the "snow" of my heart. 

"An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and blood for blood, a life for a life. I will never forgive you!"

That searing words, definitely feels like a heavy weight on my heart. His voice digging into my ears was more cruel than ever. Kung anu-ano ang tumatakbo sa isipan ko sa puntong nawawala na ako sa katinuan. Pakiusap, tama na! Takot na takot ako ng husto at hindi makahinga. Just what kind of a world I've been living in? Kailangang may gumawa nito. Isang tao na makapagliligtas sa akin mula rito. Hindi isang bayani, hindi isang diyos, just someone. I might go crazy then kill myself! 

"Yorticia!" bulalas ng malamig na baritonong boses, dahilan kung bakit tuluyan akong nagising. I wakes up in a panic, consciousness crept over me. Napahawak ako sa aking leeg at sinubukan kong habulin ang aking hininga. My mind is a jumbled wreck—I'm shattered and shivering and sick, so sick with dread, frenzy, heartache, and everything in between. Napasingap ako muli dahil sa aking hagulgol. Umagos ang mga malalamig na luha mula sa kaibuturan at dumaloy sa aking pisngi. Nanginginig ang aking mga kamay nang itinapat ito sa aking mukha dahil sa halo halong emosyon na nararamdaman ko sa gabing iyon. Maski ang aking paghinga ay mabibigat na parang ako ay kinakapos ng hangin dahil lamang doon. What on earth had that been?

"No, no, don't cry. Please don't cry..." 

I gradually recognize where the hell I was. Sa tuwing pag gising ko ay para bang unti-unti kong nakakalimutan lahat ng meron ngayon. Wala akong ideya kung bakit. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang hindi ko pa rin maibalik ang sarili ko sa kasalukuyang sandali. Nananatili sa ere ang mga daliri nito, na parang gustong punasan ang luha ko. I bit my lips to keep them from quivering and blinked my eyes to get rid of the blur as my gaze strolled over the bedroom suspiciously and paranoidly, desperately searching for answers and unsure of what agonizing horror may have followed me here. 

Namumugto na ang aking mga mata at nanghihina na rin ako. Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko, pilit na pinipigilan ang nagbabantang hikbi. I shook my head in disbelief. I then mumbled under my breath, "So sorry..."

Hinatak ko siya palapit sa aking mukha, seizing him by his collar, my teeth clenched together as I outburst, "Please, don't k-kill me! S-Spare me... Pakiusa—"

"Fvck, get a grip!"

"Urgh! Just get away from me!" I implored, my voice desperate and cracking as I grasped my head with trembling, frail, fingers.

Hindi niya ako pinansin. Hinawakan niya ang mukha ko pero mabilis kong tinampal iyon at puno ng katakutan ko siyang tinitigan. Bumagsak ang kamay niya sa tabi ng kumot. Mariin na nakakuyom na ngayon iyon tulad ng matinding poot na lagi kong nakikita sa kanya tuwing binabangungot ako ng ganito. He looks absolutely furious. Is he going to hurt me? Nagpakawala siya ng isang mahaba at mabigat na buntong-hininga. His eyes swam, and his skin was cold; I can feel it in the way he gently caressed my arms with his thumbs and drew me close in an embrace. Isinandal niya ako sa kanyang malapad na dibdib ngunit matinding pinaghahampas ko ang kanyang dibdib gamit ang aking mga kamao habang patuloy ako sa pagmamakaawa. He holds my head and his hand soothing me. He then tried to comfort me, but it didn't work. It was like my world view imploded. Overwhelmed, I screamed in inarticulate agony. Bumuhos ang aking kalungkutan sa baha ng malamig na luha. Hindi ko ito mapigilan. Why do I live like this? It saddens me. 

"It was just a dream. It'll be okay. Don't worry, I won't kill you. Everything will be fine now," he says, restraining himself with difficulty from showing a quaver in his voice, as if he's about to fall apart but is trying his hardest not to at para din bang sinubukang niyang lihisan ang bawat maliit na bagay upang hindi ako sumabog, at para protektahan din ako. Looking into his eyes, I think he's already hurt. I felt torn between wanting to shove him away and wanting to be comforted by his arms.

Sinakop ng dilaw na ilaw galing sa lampara ang buong kwarto. The windows were rattling, the drapes were fluttering, and the fierce screeching sound of this leafy paradise's wind, and the colliding of the raging clouds increased the tautness, but it was nothing compared to the storm that was brewing inside me. Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong umiyak basta ang alam ko na lamang ay nanatili siya sa aking tabi ng gabing iyon hanggang sa nawalan ako ng malay at nagising na lamang ako in a cold sweat habang mahimbing siyang natutulog sa aking tabi. I'm not impressed that he came to me. Tinitigan ko lang siya ng isang hindi nakagaganyak na tingin. He's shoulder-length straight kohl-black hair that was tied back had become tangled. 

Iginaya ko ang aking mga mata sa aking paligid. Ang mga dingding na gawa sa kahoy ay tila bago ito sa akin. Maging ang bahay na tinitirhan namin malapit sa kanyang archery hall na matatagpuan sa isang gubat ay pakiramdam ko ay hindi naman ganito noon. We lived in a modest house with plants hanging all in the kitchen and windows filled with greenery, which situated in a tranquil country setting, a leafy paradise, far from the hustle and bustle of the city. Perhaps the city had so contaminated his psyche that he needed all this solitude to find himself. Frankly, I initially told him that I would prefer stay in that drearily dull motel or perhaps join a chain gang than to go living with him. I did not know him good but he caused a knot in me just thinking about his face. Being around him was like a record you play on the wrong speed the entire time. I was sitting on the sleep-tossed bed with my stick-like arms clutching the thin blankets draped over my back as a rush of icy chill crept up my spine, raising the hair on the back of my neck. Nagpakawala ako ng mahaba na buntong hininga at hinilot ang aking sentido dahil napakasakit ng ulo ko at medyo nahihilo na rin. Nagka-amnesia ako. Iyon ay, ayon sa kanya. I doesn't recognize him at all. Ngunit sa nakalipas na dalawang buwan, wala siyang ginawa kundi ang maging mabuti sa akin. He worshipped me. Kaya lang hindi ko pa rin kayang pagkatiwalaan siya at paniwalaan ang lahat ng sinabi niya sa akin. Parang may kung ano akong nararamdaman na naguudyot sa akin na huwag lubusang maniwala sa lahat ng mga sinabi niya sa akin. Pakiramdam ko ay nagsisinungaling siya sa akin. Iyon din ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako humihingi ng higit pang mga detalye.