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What if We Drown 89
Grief rose and fell between them with each expelled breath. Evidence of their mutual heartbreak and pain danced upon dewy lashes, sinking into the cracked facades of contorted features.Ashlyn's hands continued to massage his arms, gently rocking him to the lullaby of her steady beating heart. His words had moved her, the wounds of his guilt raw and inflamed from the attention he'd paid them. She saw his hurt, and she saw his pain, and she wanted nothing more than to take that away from him. But all she had were her assurances, and they'd proven futile against the rigid walls he'd erected around himself.Pulling back from her embrace, Derek reached up to cup her cheeks and pressed his forehead to hers. His breath was a gentle caress upon her tight cheeks, the last of her tears running from the warm breeze."I couldn't save my best friend, but I can still save you." He spoke much too softly for the swift jab delivered to her stomach at his words.Leaning back, Ashlyn shook her head
What if We Drown 90
Turning the card between her fingers, Ashlyn watched the name upon it blur beneath the early morning sun. She wasn't sure how long she'd sat there, vision focused on the bleeding letters and numbers. At least three hazelnut lattes long.Peace had not been kind to her in sleep. Fitful gasps and restless thoughts had been her bed companion, taking up more space than she'd been prepared to offer. When the steady purr of a sleeping Coley and the sleeping tablet she'd taken hadn't been enough to silence her mind, Ashlyn set up camp at the dining table, armed with a pen, a notepad, and the dreaded business card.When the moon had bid farewell, and the sun had risen from its slumber to kiss the morning dew, a pro and cons list had stared back at Ashlyn. That same list which weighed on her mind at that moment, the card completing another turn upon her fingertips.Chewing on her bottom lip, she dropped the card and took the weary pen. The pen hovered over the page for a moment, before red i
What if We Drown 91
"She has her name in gold on the front door. I want my name in gold on the front door." Turning to face Ashlyn, Kass pouted, her finger still pointed towards the glass front door's branding.Maybe if you ask Marcus nicely, he can paint it in gold, Ashlyn answered, a slight tremor in her fingers. Joking aside, she couldn't shake the nerves that settled like a lead weight in her gut. She attempted a wink, but the movement never quite took, her face scrunching as she tucked her hands beneath her arms to hide the trembling."You think he'd do that for me?" Kass asked, her arm going about Ashlyn's shoulder and pulling her to her side. "I think he'd paint it black instead, just to be an ass."A chuckle bubbled on Ashlyn's lips, and she turned her head to bury her face in Kass' shoulder."You're going to do great in there." Kass squeezed her shoulder, and Ashlyn raised her head. "So chin up-" she ducked Ashlyn beneath her chin, "-and show em' who's boss."Pulling away, Ashlyn examined h
What if We Drown 92
"How are you feeling today, Ashlyn?" Lana asked, her eyes shifting from the answers Ashlyn had handed her to Ashlyn herself.I'm good. A little tired, maybe. But good. Twisting her fingers together, Ashlyn's hands fell into her lap as Lana's attention returned to the page."Did you go for a run this morning?"Ashlyn shook her head, her eyes flitting to the clock. Only five minutes had passed."The park just outside is a beautiful place to run in the Fall. My dog loves the leaves; I love the crisp breeze. It's a win-win." Lana smiled.Ashlyn's lips failed to move in answer; her focus channeled into watching Lana's eyes flicker over the page. Her fingers twisted and turned, her nails clicking as she picked at the ends of them. She had to be close now to seeing what Ashlyn had done to the form.Lana's eyes stopped moving, her lips pursed as she glanced up. Before she could open her mouth and ask the question, Ashlyn gulped, her eyes wide and pleading."What is it, Ashlyn? Whose nam
What if We Drown 93
The flashing marker in the text box had never looked more daunting than it had at that moment. Worrying her bottom lip, Ashlyn drummed her fingers against the top of the coffee machine, all while that cursed marker continued its incessant flickering.Twenty unanswered messages, all from him, stared back at her in a blinding blue. Twenty messages made up of the same apologies, the same pleas that she would answer, just once. All messages to which she couldn't construct an appropriate answer.How did she say that everything would be okay, that all would be forgiven when that wasn't the case? Time apart had not changed the matter of his guilt or the fact he'd led her on under the guise of love. She'd been prepared to jump, to give everything up in her fight for him, and a few words weren't going to restore that overnight.But her fingers had a mind of their own, tapping swiftly over the screen as words of longing and fears, hope and broken promises sprouted before her. Fragile buds gr
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Brushing the other photos aside, Ashlyn's fingers traced the beacon, her eyes squeezing shut against the flames that danced behind her eyelids. A stutter of breath forced its way out her nose, as her nails bit against the photo."Deep breath, Ashlyn. In." Ashlyn took a deep breath in through her nose. "...and out," Lana said as Ashlyn's lips parted with the release of air.Opening her eyes, she expected it to be her father's face, or perhaps a ship engulfed in flames that danced upon the pixels before her like last time. But the ghost that formed before her, bathed in the lighthouse's beam, stole her breath in a gasp.My Lighthouse. Her hands trembled, and she tucked them against her chest, hoping Lana hadn't noticed."The lighthouse? What is it about the lighthouse that's holding you back?" With her head tilted to the side, Lana's gaze examined Ashlyn, no doubt confused by the words she'd spoken without a second thought.Her stare focused on her lap, the corner of the lighthouse
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His shoulders rose then fell with an uneven breath. With his back to her, it was hard for Ashlyn to gauge what might have been on his mind, but from the set of his posture alone, she would have guessed that something troubled him. Through the front window, she watched Derek lean over and place something on the ground before righting himself. His shoulders still slumped as though he still carried the same weight. Stepping to the side so she could get a clearer look, Ashlyn raised herself on the tips of her toes. As if he could feel her eyes on him, Derek turned. Frozen as she stood, one foot poised on its toes, the other resting flat, Ashlyn tried to read the emotion in his eyes. From a distance, he looked troubled, the invisible weight he carried having made his mark in the set of his eyes, and the downturn of those lips meant for smiling. What bothers you? Ashlyn wondered, her head tilting while she leaned forward against the counter. She shouldn't have been spying, especially con
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Please don't go. Ashlyn sniffed. I'm sorry for pushing you away. This is all my fault-"No." His hands were on her shoulders, pulling her closer. Twisting her torso, she broke free of his hold and sank her fingers into her hair. "No, don't ever say that, don't even think that. This isn't your fault, Ashlyn. None of this is your fault." He reached for her again, the carefully constructed lines of his expression beginning to crack with his pain at what happened before him.It is, she wanted to scream, but the only sound she uttered was a choked sob. Stepping towards him, her hands trembling, Ashlyn reached up to stroke his cheek, to run her fingers along the creases around his eyes. To feel him one last time.His eyes closed, his muscles tightening beneath her fingertips."Ashlyn, I have to." His voice was tight, his lips moving against her wrist, where they lingered a moment longer.She pulled away, her head shaking. If she hadn't pushed him away and driven him deeper into his sp
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What if We Drown Epilogue
"Where are you taking me?" Derek's laughter carried on the sea breeze while he ran, hand in hand with Ashlyn, down the boulevard.The smile in Ashlyn's cheeks was enchanting, her heart swelling beyond its confines until it illuminated every facet of her expression. A childlike joy danced upon her lips, her giggles falling back to meet him as she turned to glance his way.'You'll see,' the glint in her eyes said. Squeezing his hand tighter, she continued to run, every fragment of fear and every splinter of doubt falling behind her, the remains of the walls she'd nursed for years crumbling like dust beneath her canvas shoes.Her steps continued to carry them through streets lit by twilight, the breath in her lungs escaping with a giggle when she stumbled on a crack in the pavement. Catching her waist, Derek pulled her back against his chest, his hands resting on her hips."Are you going to tell me why we're in such a rush?" His breath was hot, his lips teasing as they brushed the si
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For him to have been friends with you, I know I'd have loved him too. She squeezed Derek's hand, the two of them falling into a moment of silence, before Derek squeezed her hand in return."What happened to Liam, and what happened to your father, those things were out of our control. They weren't our fault."Ashlyn hesitated for a moment before nodding. That was something her and Lana had been working on during their last session. But hearing Derek mention it now, she felt a familiar pang in her chest, the battle of her heart versus her mind silently brewing.It wasn't our fault, she repeated, as much for her own sake as for his."I've been living in this world of what if, dwelling on all the ways that I could have saved him while neglecting to live in the world I'm in right now. Sitting there amidst the wilting posies and tears at Liam's grave, I was finally able to forgive myself, and Liam, for what happened."Derek turned to Ashlyn with a sad smile, the light in his eyes shini
What if We Drown 107
Derek's apartment hadn't changed since the last time she'd been there. Scattered books with bent spines and dog-eared pages claimed the living space, and the woolen blanket was still draped over the arm of the sofa where she'd left it.Her favorite thing, however, was the scent of crisp green apple that still clung to the air, wrapping itself around Ashlyn as she fell back against the couch, exhausted despite the 24 hours she'd just spent in a hospital bed.His home still feels like a home, she thought, her eyes wandering around the room. A fresh wave of relief washed over her, the state of his apartment a welcome reminder that he'd meant it when he'd said he wouldn't leave her.You never unpacked? Ashlyn asked, her head tilted towards the two duffel bags beside the front door.Placing two glasses of water on the coffee table, Derek scooched into the space at her side, his arm reaching across the back of the sofa so he could play with her hair."I never had the time. This is the
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How? Her heart questioned, her eyes wide with wonder."When I heard that voice and felt it whisper in my heart, the only thing I thought of was you." His chest rose and fell as he stole a glance in her direction. "But that's crazy, right? I mean, I've never heard your voice, and it's not like Siren's exist." He gave a nervous chuckle. A sound escaped Ashlyn's lip, somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle, and she felt her eyes begin to prickle with tears.He had no idea what the words he'd just said meant, or how true it was. By some unknown magic, his name, her final plea, had carried to his ears and called to him. Her heart had called, and he had answered. Like a Siren. She giggled at the absurdity, and yet the possibility of it all, her cheeks burning when he turned to gaze at her with wonderment."Here I am telling you something crazy and impossible, and yet, you're the one blushing and crying." His laughter was hearty and amused as his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, catching ev
What if We Drown 105
A familiar beep broke through the silence, and Ashlyn winced at the sound that fell upon her ears. Her eyelids fluttered, cracking to allow the light of day into the darkness she left behind. Her blinks were quick at first while she adjusted to the sunlight streaming through the window, the sky a stark contrast to the night from whence she'd come.The window was closed, but as she watched the streak of ocean waver against the horizon, she could almost taste it lingering in the back of her throat.Flashes of white wisps and mermaids tails, her father's grim expression, and the grey-blue tempest that she'd wrestled flickered behind her eyes, and her heart picked up its pace. The fog over her memories lifted, and with sudden clarity, the aches in her body and the sandpaper feeling at the back of her throat made sense.What was I thinking? She raised her hand to her temple in an attempt to massage the memories and mortification away.Her gaze roamed over the assembly of monitors and m
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The sea. Angry and unrelenting. Dangerous.It rolled again, jostling her head. Ashlyn bit back a whimper and squinted as another body wrapped in an emergency blanket wavered on the deck before her. Upright and leaning against the side, the body shifted as she tracked their outstretched legs, slowly trying to piece together the scene before her. Her heart hammered in her chest, her gaze roaming over their chest, moving towards their face when something blocked her view.Exhaling, her eyes continued to roll around the space, tracking the activity upon the deck, in an attempt to gather her bearings.Shifting his weight, the man at her side leaned forward, the back of his head creating an umbrella of sorts from the unrelenting rain, while he held his finger between both their faces. Focusing all of her energy on that single digit, Ashlyn brought her attention back to him, tracking his finger as it moved from the left to the right.A small smile of relief lifted his lips, and a trickle
What if We Drown 103
All around her was a stillness and peace unheard of, as she drifted upon the grey-blue tempest, while laces of white tickled her nose and her lashes, teasing and tantalizing, singing to the breath within her lungs.Squinting through the prickly haze, Ashlyn rose and fell with the ocean's deep breath, her limbs moving in a hypnotic dance under its command. Her gaze roamed the deep expanse, her sense of direction ceasing to exist amidst the tendrils of fire that floated around her face.My sweet daughter, the ocean cooed, its arms reaching out to cradle and caress. Enveloped in its tight embrace, Ashlyn felt herself falling deeper into its touch and the promises it whispered over her mind. Home at last. The ocean's voice tickled at the edges of consciousness, and Ashlyn blinked.Wisps of white and silver danced upon the waters, the shape of memories forming and reforming with each flutter of her lashes. Children ran towards the tides, kicking and splashing at the waves that kissed th
What if We Drown 102
The wind thrashed against her front, driving the sliver of ice deeper into her heart. She sobbed, clawing at the pain in her chest, which made it harder to breathe. An invisible force pushed her forward, towards the end of the dock, and she cried out when her foot caught, dropping her to her hands and knees.Pain shot through her knees and her palms throbbed against the deck. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to her feet, wincing as her knees protested.Ashlyn bent to roll up the leg of her jeans when something like a horn sounded in the distance, startling her. Lifting her head, she glanced out to sea again and spotted several lights bobbing against the angry sky.Derek!Her heart gave a distressed cry, the icy pick within melting beneath the warmth of a hope rekindled.She watched the boat draw nearer, the lines between her brow growing deeper. Something wasn't right. The boat was veering dangerously close towards the lighthouse and the rocky graveyard that waited below. S
What if We Drown 101
Ashlyn was almost out the front door before Kass could catch her."What do you think you're doing? You can't go out there!" Kass cried over the wind that thrashed against the door.He's here, Kass. He's been upstairs this entire time, and you didn't tell me. Hurt flashed behind Ashlyn's eyes, her arm twisting beneath Kass' grip. She'd known, and she'd omitted to tell her anything.Regret pooled in Kass' gaze, but Ashlyn wasn't sure what she regretted more, telling her about Derek or keeping the secret from her in the first place.I have to go and see him, Ashlyn pleaded before she reached around to grip the door handle. Kass' grip tightened again as she pulled Ashlyn away from the door."He's not here. He's out there," Kass sighed in defeat, gesturing in the general direction of the ocean, her posture shifting to block the exit.Ashlyn's chest seized, her airways closing against the sharp inhale of air.'He's out there' rang in her ears, the rising panic they caused not strong
