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What if We Drown 95
His shoulders rose then fell with an uneven breath. With his back to her, it was hard for Ashlyn to gauge what might have been on his mind, but from the set of his posture alone, she would have guessed that something troubled him. Through the front window, she watched Derek lean over and place something on the ground before righting himself. His shoulders still slumped as though he still carried the same weight. Stepping to the side so she could get a clearer look, Ashlyn raised herself on the tips of her toes. As if he could feel her eyes on him, Derek turned. Frozen as she stood, one foot poised on its toes, the other resting flat, Ashlyn tried to read the emotion in his eyes. From a distance, he looked troubled, the invisible weight he carried having made his mark in the set of his eyes, and the downturn of those lips meant for smiling. What bothers you? Ashlyn wondered, her head tilting while she leaned forward against the counter. She shouldn't have been spying, especially con
What if We Drown 96
Please don't go. Ashlyn sniffed. I'm sorry for pushing you away. This is all my fault-"No." His hands were on her shoulders, pulling her closer. Twisting her torso, she broke free of his hold and sank her fingers into her hair. "No, don't ever say that, don't even think that. This isn't your fault, Ashlyn. None of this is your fault." He reached for her again, the carefully constructed lines of his expression beginning to crack with his pain at what happened before him.It is, she wanted to scream, but the only sound she uttered was a choked sob. Stepping towards him, her hands trembling, Ashlyn reached up to stroke his cheek, to run her fingers along the creases around his eyes. To feel him one last time.His eyes closed, his muscles tightening beneath her fingertips."Ashlyn, I have to." His voice was tight, his lips moving against her wrist, where they lingered a moment longer.She pulled away, her head shaking. If she hadn't pushed him away and driven him deeper into his sp
What if We Drown 97
"It's been three days, Zi, and she's barely moved from that spot except to go to the bathroom. I'm worried." Kass spoke in a rush, her voice fading.The bed dipped beside her, and a large hand covered her arm."Ash, honey, you have to get up." Pulling the blankets back from her chin, Marcus brushed a damp curl back from her cheek.Ashlyn's heavy stare shifted to Marcus, looking straight through him. Trapped within the crusted shell that encased her fractured heart, Ashlyn was a prisoner to grief. She heard Marcus speak, but it wasn't his voice that carried those words to her ears. It was his voice, that butterscotch voice that clung to her memories, an intimate whisper that found its way into her mind and her heart. Even in his absence, he haunted her.Make it stop, her lips pleaded, the taste of salt upon them. Marcus' fingers continued to caress her cheeks, something damp and heavy pressing against her crown. A cloth."We're trying," he whispered, his hand shifting to her shoul
What if We Drown 98
"You let your best friend, Kass, in. And Abel. Why not Derek?" Lana tilted her head, her lips pursed.Ashlyn's hand began rubbing at her arm before Lana cleared her throat, stopping her before her nails could scratch the surface.'Sorry,' Ashlyn mouthed. Folding her legs, Ashlyn flexed her fingers against her legs before turning to answer Lana.I never really got the choice with Kass. She kind of forced her way through my walls. Ashlyn chuckled, recounting the story of Kass' stubborn persistence that saw her knocking on Ashlyn's front door every day for three months to ask if Ashlyn would come out to play. Some days, she would set up camp on their front porch with her barbies or her rollerblades, while Ashlyn watched her through the window, wondering if she'd ever give up.Eventually, Mom got so sick of hearing her knocking that she left the front door wide open. Kass walked right in, straight on to my room, and told me that I would play with her, and I was going to like it. Other
What if We Drown 99
Dr. Preston held up another card, a crisp green apple pictured inside the blue frame.Apple, her mind whispered as she opened her mouth and tried to replicate the same sound verbally. A choked grunt came from the back of her throat, startling Ashlyn. Coughing into the back of her hand, she tried to clear the lump that pressed against her vocal cords."Good, Ashlyn. Now let's try again, and this time, I want you to focus on just getting that 'ah' sound, okay?" Dr. Preston's smile was warm as ever, his patience boundless. Ashlyn's, however, was waning as she massaged the sides of her throat.What am I doing wrong? she asked, ignoring the card he held up. They'd been at this for an hour, and all she'd managed was that single grunt."Nothing at all. These things take time," Dr. Preston answered, his smile reassuring. "It's been twenty years, Ashlyn. We essentially have to teach you how to speak all over again. Your muscles are weak, practically non-existent due to all the years of neg
What if We Drown 100
Yeah, I'm good. You'd think after the first couple, your muscles would get used to it. With a weary chuckle, Ashlyn crouched in front of the remaining bags. After her morning spent at the workshop with Abel applying the appropriate flood protection, her muscles were as vocal as a screaming child. They'd had enough, but three bags remained, so she had to persevere. Promising herself a long, hot bath as compensation for her efforts, Ashlyn wrapped her arms around another bag and stood.When the final bag was in place, both Ashlyn and Kass fell back into the vacant chairs, their arms hanging limp at their sides."I don't know what I need more. A coffee or a nap," Kass groaned.I could go for both, Ashlyn answered, her eyes wandering around the room, inspecting their work. The windows were coated with thick crosses, the door barred by sandbags, and the kitchen was stocked with water, should things endure longer than expected.The wind outside howled against the glass and oiled hinges,
What if We Drown 101
Ashlyn was almost out the front door before Kass could catch her."What do you think you're doing? You can't go out there!" Kass cried over the wind that thrashed against the door.He's here, Kass. He's been upstairs this entire time, and you didn't tell me. Hurt flashed behind Ashlyn's eyes, her arm twisting beneath Kass' grip. She'd known, and she'd omitted to tell her anything.Regret pooled in Kass' gaze, but Ashlyn wasn't sure what she regretted more, telling her about Derek or keeping the secret from her in the first place.I have to go and see him, Ashlyn pleaded before she reached around to grip the door handle. Kass' grip tightened again as she pulled Ashlyn away from the door."He's not here. He's out there," Kass sighed in defeat, gesturing in the general direction of the ocean, her posture shifting to block the exit.Ashlyn's chest seized, her airways closing against the sharp inhale of air.'He's out there' rang in her ears, the rising panic they caused not strong
What if We Drown 102
The wind thrashed against her front, driving the sliver of ice deeper into her heart. She sobbed, clawing at the pain in her chest, which made it harder to breathe. An invisible force pushed her forward, towards the end of the dock, and she cried out when her foot caught, dropping her to her hands and knees.Pain shot through her knees and her palms throbbed against the deck. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to her feet, wincing as her knees protested.Ashlyn bent to roll up the leg of her jeans when something like a horn sounded in the distance, startling her. Lifting her head, she glanced out to sea again and spotted several lights bobbing against the angry sky.Derek!Her heart gave a distressed cry, the icy pick within melting beneath the warmth of a hope rekindled.She watched the boat draw nearer, the lines between her brow growing deeper. Something wasn't right. The boat was veering dangerously close towards the lighthouse and the rocky graveyard that waited below. S
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What if We Drown Epilogue
"Where are you taking me?" Derek's laughter carried on the sea breeze while he ran, hand in hand with Ashlyn, down the boulevard.The smile in Ashlyn's cheeks was enchanting, her heart swelling beyond its confines until it illuminated every facet of her expression. A childlike joy danced upon her lips, her giggles falling back to meet him as she turned to glance his way.'You'll see,' the glint in her eyes said. Squeezing his hand tighter, she continued to run, every fragment of fear and every splinter of doubt falling behind her, the remains of the walls she'd nursed for years crumbling like dust beneath her canvas shoes.Her steps continued to carry them through streets lit by twilight, the breath in her lungs escaping with a giggle when she stumbled on a crack in the pavement. Catching her waist, Derek pulled her back against his chest, his hands resting on her hips."Are you going to tell me why we're in such a rush?" His breath was hot, his lips teasing as they brushed the si
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For him to have been friends with you, I know I'd have loved him too. She squeezed Derek's hand, the two of them falling into a moment of silence, before Derek squeezed her hand in return."What happened to Liam, and what happened to your father, those things were out of our control. They weren't our fault."Ashlyn hesitated for a moment before nodding. That was something her and Lana had been working on during their last session. But hearing Derek mention it now, she felt a familiar pang in her chest, the battle of her heart versus her mind silently brewing.It wasn't our fault, she repeated, as much for her own sake as for his."I've been living in this world of what if, dwelling on all the ways that I could have saved him while neglecting to live in the world I'm in right now. Sitting there amidst the wilting posies and tears at Liam's grave, I was finally able to forgive myself, and Liam, for what happened."Derek turned to Ashlyn with a sad smile, the light in his eyes shini
What if We Drown 107
Derek's apartment hadn't changed since the last time she'd been there. Scattered books with bent spines and dog-eared pages claimed the living space, and the woolen blanket was still draped over the arm of the sofa where she'd left it.Her favorite thing, however, was the scent of crisp green apple that still clung to the air, wrapping itself around Ashlyn as she fell back against the couch, exhausted despite the 24 hours she'd just spent in a hospital bed.His home still feels like a home, she thought, her eyes wandering around the room. A fresh wave of relief washed over her, the state of his apartment a welcome reminder that he'd meant it when he'd said he wouldn't leave her.You never unpacked? Ashlyn asked, her head tilted towards the two duffel bags beside the front door.Placing two glasses of water on the coffee table, Derek scooched into the space at her side, his arm reaching across the back of the sofa so he could play with her hair."I never had the time. This is the
What if We Drown 106
How? Her heart questioned, her eyes wide with wonder."When I heard that voice and felt it whisper in my heart, the only thing I thought of was you." His chest rose and fell as he stole a glance in her direction. "But that's crazy, right? I mean, I've never heard your voice, and it's not like Siren's exist." He gave a nervous chuckle. A sound escaped Ashlyn's lip, somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle, and she felt her eyes begin to prickle with tears.He had no idea what the words he'd just said meant, or how true it was. By some unknown magic, his name, her final plea, had carried to his ears and called to him. Her heart had called, and he had answered. Like a Siren. She giggled at the absurdity, and yet the possibility of it all, her cheeks burning when he turned to gaze at her with wonderment."Here I am telling you something crazy and impossible, and yet, you're the one blushing and crying." His laughter was hearty and amused as his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, catching ev
What if We Drown 105
A familiar beep broke through the silence, and Ashlyn winced at the sound that fell upon her ears. Her eyelids fluttered, cracking to allow the light of day into the darkness she left behind. Her blinks were quick at first while she adjusted to the sunlight streaming through the window, the sky a stark contrast to the night from whence she'd come.The window was closed, but as she watched the streak of ocean waver against the horizon, she could almost taste it lingering in the back of her throat.Flashes of white wisps and mermaids tails, her father's grim expression, and the grey-blue tempest that she'd wrestled flickered behind her eyes, and her heart picked up its pace. The fog over her memories lifted, and with sudden clarity, the aches in her body and the sandpaper feeling at the back of her throat made sense.What was I thinking? She raised her hand to her temple in an attempt to massage the memories and mortification away.Her gaze roamed over the assembly of monitors and m
What if We Drown 104
The sea. Angry and unrelenting. Dangerous.It rolled again, jostling her head. Ashlyn bit back a whimper and squinted as another body wrapped in an emergency blanket wavered on the deck before her. Upright and leaning against the side, the body shifted as she tracked their outstretched legs, slowly trying to piece together the scene before her. Her heart hammered in her chest, her gaze roaming over their chest, moving towards their face when something blocked her view.Exhaling, her eyes continued to roll around the space, tracking the activity upon the deck, in an attempt to gather her bearings.Shifting his weight, the man at her side leaned forward, the back of his head creating an umbrella of sorts from the unrelenting rain, while he held his finger between both their faces. Focusing all of her energy on that single digit, Ashlyn brought her attention back to him, tracking his finger as it moved from the left to the right.A small smile of relief lifted his lips, and a trickle
What if We Drown 103
All around her was a stillness and peace unheard of, as she drifted upon the grey-blue tempest, while laces of white tickled her nose and her lashes, teasing and tantalizing, singing to the breath within her lungs.Squinting through the prickly haze, Ashlyn rose and fell with the ocean's deep breath, her limbs moving in a hypnotic dance under its command. Her gaze roamed the deep expanse, her sense of direction ceasing to exist amidst the tendrils of fire that floated around her face.My sweet daughter, the ocean cooed, its arms reaching out to cradle and caress. Enveloped in its tight embrace, Ashlyn felt herself falling deeper into its touch and the promises it whispered over her mind. Home at last. The ocean's voice tickled at the edges of consciousness, and Ashlyn blinked.Wisps of white and silver danced upon the waters, the shape of memories forming and reforming with each flutter of her lashes. Children ran towards the tides, kicking and splashing at the waves that kissed th
What if We Drown 102
The wind thrashed against her front, driving the sliver of ice deeper into her heart. She sobbed, clawing at the pain in her chest, which made it harder to breathe. An invisible force pushed her forward, towards the end of the dock, and she cried out when her foot caught, dropping her to her hands and knees.Pain shot through her knees and her palms throbbed against the deck. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to her feet, wincing as her knees protested.Ashlyn bent to roll up the leg of her jeans when something like a horn sounded in the distance, startling her. Lifting her head, she glanced out to sea again and spotted several lights bobbing against the angry sky.Derek!Her heart gave a distressed cry, the icy pick within melting beneath the warmth of a hope rekindled.She watched the boat draw nearer, the lines between her brow growing deeper. Something wasn't right. The boat was veering dangerously close towards the lighthouse and the rocky graveyard that waited below. S
What if We Drown 101
Ashlyn was almost out the front door before Kass could catch her."What do you think you're doing? You can't go out there!" Kass cried over the wind that thrashed against the door.He's here, Kass. He's been upstairs this entire time, and you didn't tell me. Hurt flashed behind Ashlyn's eyes, her arm twisting beneath Kass' grip. She'd known, and she'd omitted to tell her anything.Regret pooled in Kass' gaze, but Ashlyn wasn't sure what she regretted more, telling her about Derek or keeping the secret from her in the first place.I have to go and see him, Ashlyn pleaded before she reached around to grip the door handle. Kass' grip tightened again as she pulled Ashlyn away from the door."He's not here. He's out there," Kass sighed in defeat, gesturing in the general direction of the ocean, her posture shifting to block the exit.Ashlyn's chest seized, her airways closing against the sharp inhale of air.'He's out there' rang in her ears, the rising panic they caused not strong
