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WHEN ASHES FALL 43
I wanted Alix all to myself.And that was exactly what I’d gotten so far.We ate, we fucked, and we slept.It couldn’t be more perfect.But I could tell Alix was getting restless. She wanted to be outside. She needed to feel Maine, not just be inside of it.Since the snow had melted, we could go hiking.We hadn’t been to the top of Cadillac Mountain in months.It was time.The morning of our third day, I woke her at a little past three and asked her if she was feeling up to going hiking. She smiled so fucking big despite how early it was. And I saw the excitement on her face as she crawled out of bed. It only took her a few minutes to brush her teeth and get dressed.It took me a little longer.I had to make sure I had everything I needed.With us being out of practice, our climb wasn’t as polished as usual, and we reached the summit with only a few seconds to spare.I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her against me as we sat on a rock on the east side, facing Schoodic Peninsula,
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But I couldn’t keep avoiding it, especially since I’d been staring at his chest for what felt like a really long time.I slowly lifted my stare.And then our eyes connected.The deepest green gazed back at me.I wasn’t sure I had even noticed his eye color before.Now, it was all I saw.It was so different than Dylan’s blue.So was his facial hair.Dylan shaved every morning.Smith had at least four days of scruff.Dylan’s hair was perfect when he got up.Smith’s was ruffled in a way that looked like fingers had been pulling it.I guessed they had.Oh God.“Good morning,” I replied, bringing the blanket up to my chin.He was on his side, facing me.Watching.“You’re not a morning person, are you?”I thought about his question.I actually considered myself as one.But I certainly wasn’t right now.“Morning-ish,” I said from behind the blanket.“Does that mean you need coffee first?”I had no idea what that meant.But I knew I needed more than two seconds to process everything that was
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He didn’t move.Until he finally glanced at me. “You’re asking to see my storm.”I hadn’t thought of it that way.Or what that required of him.And what that meant about us.“Yes,” I said so softly.“I’ve never brought anyone there.”“Bring me.”I wasn’t pleading.I was making him a promise.“Why do you want to go there, Alix?”The bakery was an easy answer.But it wasn’t the real reason.“I want you to show me that part of you,” I answered. I moved the cake to the nightstand and rolled onto my side, so I could face him. “I really like you, Smith.”And I liked the way he treated me.How he looked at me.The way he cared for me.“You want us?” he asked.I could feel myself fitting in here.In his life.In his arms.“Yes,” I answered.He reached over and brushed a piece of hair off my face. “I’m going to take you to Roxbury.” Then, his hand cupped my cheek. “I hope, one day, you’ll show me your storm.”My heart began to throb in my chest.My throat ached.The guilt I’d expected to feel
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The differences between the two women immediately stood out.I knew that from Rose’s stare alone, from her posture, how she put herself together.It was everything I had expected.The girls hugged, and then Alix moved back and stood between us.“Rose, this is him,” she said.The announcement almost sounded like a continuation of a conversation they’d had earlier, as though meeting me tied everything together.Rose stuck her hand out for me to shake. “Hi, him.”I laughed. “It’s nice to meet you, Rose.”We sat at the round table, and my hand found Alix’s leg again, my thumb skimming the outside of her knee. Her smile was the reason I left it there and didn’t pull it away.A waitress came right over and asked if we wanted drinks.“Three shots of Fireball,” I told her.“Anything else?” she asked.“Three waters,” I said.The waitress looked at Alix, who said nothing, and then at Rose.“I won’t argue with that order,” Rose said.“It’ll help get the awkwardness out of the way,” I explained o
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As we got off the main road and into the thickness of the neighborhood, I began to recognize many of the front doors. That was something I never forgot—the color, the handle, the style of the cutouts.It was where medics would wait before we were let inside, what we stared at until it swung open.“That’s where I went to high school.”I looked at the brick building he was pointing at and read the sign that was engraved by the entrance.It was one of the roughest high schools in Massachusetts.I never would have guessed this gentle man had graduated from there.“That was my first job,” he said after he pulled back onto the street, and we were passing a convenience store. “I stocked the shelves. Three to six every morning with longer shifts on the weekends.”I knew the store well. I’d worked on several patients in the parking lot.He turned left at an upcoming Stop sign, and after two blocks, he pulled over again.He was silent.I didn’t look at him. I didn’t want to give him that kind o
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Forty-ThreeSmithPresent Day “No, I don’t want to run. Unless it’s toward you, and then my answer is yes.”I stared at Alix while she sat in the passenger seat of my car, her words echoing inside my head.By bringing her to Roxbury, I’d shown her a part of my storm.But there was so much more.I’d spent eighteen years in that hell. Every day was a war, another memory that would haunt me for the rest of my life. And each one had left me with scars. Time had lightened some. The rest were as dark as the black tar my mother shot into her veins.Eventually, I would open my wounds and tell Alix the story behind them.But, for now, I needed to clear my head.I shifted into drive and put my hand on her thigh. “Do you have to work tonight?”“No.”“I know I told you we were going to have lunch in Roxbury, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to get the hell out of here.”She reached across the seat and put her hand behind my head, her fingers running through the back of my hair. “I get it. You don’
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Me: We’re still on for tomorrow night?Rose: Duh.Rose: Wait, were you about to cancel on me? Because I haven’t seen you in FIVE FUCKING DAYS.Me: I’m not canceling. I’m just confirming. That way, when Smith tries to hold me hostage tomorrow night, I can tell him you have dibs.Rose: That man really needs to learn how to share, and he also needs to stop making you so insanely happy. The amount you’ve been smiling lately is just disgusting.Me: The nerve of him.Rose: Seriously, I could not be happier for you right now. And I also miss you so incredibly much, it hurts.Me: But you’re getting me tomorrow night.Rose: I cannot wait.Rose: Hey, are you going over to Smith’s tonight?Me: I’m just getting dressed, and I’m going to head there in a few minutes. Why?Rose: Alix … it’s about to rain.I glanced up from the screen of my phone and rushed over to one of the windows.I flipped open the blinds.There was a dark sky above.The leaves on the trees were blowing from the wind.I looked a
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“Wait a second. Let me get this straight. You two have been together nonstop, and during that time, you’ve never once been to her townhouse?”“No.”“Well, shit, I need to get to the bottom of that.” I heard her say something to someone in the background, and when she returned to the phone, she asked, “What if Alix doesn’t answer the door?”“I’ll break it down.”“Smith …”“There have been situations in my life that would have had a much better outcome had I arrived a few minutes earlier. Rose, I regret each one. I won’t take that chance again, especially not with Alix.”“Jesus,” she breathed into the phone. “I’ll text you her address, and I’ll meet you there in twenty minutes.”“See you then,” I said and hung up.I pulled the phone away from my face and looked at the screen. Rose’s text came instantly, and I checked out the address.All this fucking time, Alix had been living only eight blocks from me.Forty-SixAlixPresent DayCold was what I felt across my entire body.It went into
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