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WHEN ASHES FALL 27
She was sweet with a heavy dose of shyness. Mysterious and compassionate. The most gorgeous woman I’d ever kissed.But what made her so unlike the others were her eyes.They were older than the twenty-something years she’d been alive.They’d seen moments that were unforgettable.So had mine.I could tell nothing could shock her anymore.We had that in common, too.The women I’d been with thought they could handle a guy like me.That was until I woke them during one of my nightmares.Until they learned how dark my life had been.I would never allow them to see either, so I would end things after the first few days.That wasn’t the case with Alix.Instead, I was pulling her in.Because, when I looked into those stunning eyes, I saw someone who would understand me.Someone who had experienced pain.Who still felt it.And that scared me right down to my fucking core.I shook my head, taking a drink from the Tito’s and soda I’d poured a few minutes ago, and checked the temperature of the c
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Hard.Directly across the face.No one could understand how ugly that part got.Not Rose.Especially not Dylan.It wouldn’t matter if they were in here with me.If their arms were wrapped around me. If I heard them tell me I wasn’t alone.It would still eat at me and break me down.It would leave me with an emptiness, an isolation that could never be filled.This was what I would have to live with.Forever.And then, suddenly, without warning, the ride would turn once more.Craaack would fill my ears.And I’d be back in the memory phase.This would go on for hours.It held me captive.Turning, turning, turning until the ride finally came to a stop.It was the sound of the doorbell that had caused it to halt.For my eyes to burst open.It chimed again.And again.I felt the chains loosen from around my wrists. The cement cracked beneath me, my back unsticking from the wall, releasing me enough that I could push myself up.I got onto my knees.My nails dug into the wood.I was on my fee
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I turned toward her, putting my back to the Stop sign. “What do you mean?”“You were supposed to go to Smith’s house for dinner tonight, so what excuse did you give him?”Dinner.Tonight.Smith.Fuck.“You didn’t cancel with him, did you?”“It started thundering and …” I was sure my expression said everything that I didn’t. I stared at the ground, wondering what he was thinking and what I would say to him. And then I slowly glanced up. “He was cooking for me.”“You have to fix this.”“I know,” I whispered, but I was almost positive no sound had come out at all.Twenty-NineDylanTwo Years and Three Months AgoAlix had refused to call into work, so we didn’t go to Maine over the long weekend.Because she’d been off for twelve hours, which was how long she spent in the guest room, and then she’d worked for two days straight, I had gone almost three days without hearing her voice.But we texted nonstop.And I could tell she was trying to respond to my messages as fast as she could.She’d
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My smile hadn’t faded. “Something tells me you knew where this conversation was headed, and this was your plan all along.” My lips disappeared into the side of her neck, two-day scruff rubbing over her skin. “You know it’s torture, getting up that early when I’m on vacation.”She was ticklish and couldn’t keep quiet or still. “Dylan,” she said through laughter, “okay, okay, I’ll admit it; it was my plan all along.”“You hustled me.” I pulled my face away, my lips now hovering inches in front of hers.That goddamn look.The one that was on her face.The one I could never say no to.“I’ll make a deal with you,” she said. “If we check the weather and it’s supposed to snow tomorrow, we’ll head to the mountain. If it’s supposed to be sunny, we’ll go for a hike.”I already knew the weather. I’d checked it this morning after I went through my email.“Deal.” I lifted her a little, so I could reach into my pocket and grab my phone. Once I had it, I held it in front of us and clicked on the Wea
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I found his name in my Contacts and listened to it ring once before he picked up.“Hi,” I said, not giving him a chance to speak. “I’m so sorry.”“Are you all right, Alix?”The tone of his voice reminded me of the night in the alley.“Yes, I’m fine. I …” I hadn’t planned what I was going to say. I had no speech. No excuses. So, I decided to just be honest. “I had a really horrible day yesterday. I wasn’t feeling very well, and I didn’t pay attention to the time. I should have called you, and I apologize that I didn’t.”He didn’t even ask why I hadn’t shown up, so I knew I didn’t have to give him a reason. But he deserved some sort of explanation even if it wasn’t detailed at all.“I was worried about you.”Rose had said the same thing to me.Now, I was hearing it from Smith.My heart clenched.My stomach did, too, and I wrapped an arm around it to try to ease the tension.“I’m sorry,” I said. I didn’t want him—or anyone—to feel that way about me. Not now. God, especially not now. “It
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I dropped the phone from my ear and continued to look inside my closet.I’ll need more than just an outfit for our date.I’ll need several in case I see him again after Friday.Because I want to see more of him.Because I like him.Those thoughts were shaking me so hard.My head dropped toward my chest, and my hands caught my attention.I was holding them in front of me.Squeezing them around the phone.The large, round diamond was shining under the light.The platinum band was leaving a dent on the side of my pinkie and middle fingers.I’d put it back on when I was walking home after I threw up.Rose couldn’t see it.She wouldn’t understand.So, I didn’t wear it when I was around her.Or while I was at work because I didn’t want the questions.And, now, whenever I spent time with Smith since that would just make things impossibly messy.I’d just have to remember to take it off.Thirty-OneAlixPresent DayI got up from my workstation and went into the kitchen to grab the dinner I’d b
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I put my hand in the air and waved. “Hey.”“I heard you were back. It’s good to see you.”“Thanks.” I nodded. “You, too.”The one who had recognized me looked at the other officer and said, “Do you know who she is?”I couldn’t listen to his description of me.Not today.So, just as his mouth was opening to answer, I waved again and pushed my way through the door. I rushed up the stairs and hurried to my desk. After I put on the headset, I sucked in a deep breath and rested my fingers on the keyboard, my thumb gently tapping the space bar but not hard enough to actually press it down. My body tensed. The tips of my toes ground into the bottom of my shoes.I clicked to accept the incoming call.And I waited.Me: I’m home.Smith: You all right?Me: I’m good, just really tired.Smith: Try to get some sleep, and I’ll see you tomorrow.My reply was a sun.It felt much more fitting now.Thirty-TwoSmithPresent Day“I hope you’re hungry,” Alix said once I opened my front door where she stood
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She was just staring at the empty to-go box, running the fork through the frosting that had stuck to the sides of the container. “Hey, Smith?” she said when she finally glanced up.I was already looking at her.“Thank you for dropping it,” she whispered.I wasn’t sure if she was talking about our last date that hadn’t happened or her previous employment. But, when I saw her body slowly start to relax, it no longer mattered.My mother had once told me, she could always point out a junkie, even the ones who were trying to hide their disease. She could tell from their pupils, the way they turned to the size of pinpoints.I could do the same with pain.One day, Alix would tell me about the demons that haunted her, and I’d know the topics I needed to avoid.And, one day, she’d know why I never brought anyone to Roxbury.Holding both mugs, I walked through the kitchen and went out the back door, joining Alix in the garden. This was my favorite area, the space that had sold me on this browns
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