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WHEN ASHES FALL 23
“You work through the night and in some of the worst parts of town. You don’t get to choose when you can and can’t write back to me. You pick up that goddamn phone, and you let me know you’re all right.”“I couldn’t.” Her voice turned sharper. “I had blood all the way up to here.” She pointed at her elbow and then said, “And I didn’t want to get it all over my phone.”I’d caused the snappiness in her voice, not the patient.But I just wanted her to understand what tonight had been like for me.“I’ve been texting you for hours, Alix. I can’t imagine you were covered in blood that entire time.”She was quiet for several seconds, her thumb sliding up and down the glass. “Dylan, I don’t think you have any idea what I do for a living. The lives I’m responsible for. The duties I have to perform on a minute-by-minute basis.” Her expression softened. “I can’t just pause in the middle of inserting an IV or stop performing CPR to answer my phone. I’m out there to save lives, and that’s all I’m
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She climbed the rest of the stairs and slammed a door.Later, after I left my home office, I saw which one it was.It was the guest room.I jiggled the handle to open it.She had locked it.She wanted me out.So, that night, we slept in separate beds.As I climbed into the king-size we usually shared, knowing she was just a few rooms down the hall, something hit me so fucking hard.Alix and I weren’t perfect.We had cracks.And, as the months passed, I learned some deepened while others got filled in.I also learned that wasn’t the last night I’d sleep alone.Twenty-FourAlixPresent DayMy date with Smith had started almost twelve hours ago.It still wasn’t over.Following the cake we’d had for brunch, we went for coffee by the harbor and rode bikes through the Public Garden. We visited the Public Library and had French fries at my favorite pushcart outside Quincy Market. Then, I finished the evening with a Red Sox game, snagging us seats in the Green Monster.After the win against t
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He’d followed me.And, now, he was directly in front of me.In my space.Taking all of my air.“There’s something about you, Alix …”I was frozen.I wasn’t even sure I was breathing.“What is it?”He gazed at me.He didn’t even blink.“I don’t know, but I can’t seem to get enough of it.”When I broke contact to look at the ground, he stepped forward, and I felt his hand on my face.I heard myself gasp again.It was so quiet.And so loud inside my head.I didn’t pull his fingers away.But I lifted my chin.That was when I heard his exhale again.He was fighting something.I knew it had to do with me.I watched as he pushed through it.As he moved closer.As his other hand lifted in the air and landed on the other side of my face.“Smith …”“Don’t stop me.” His voice was filled with so much passion.His neck bent toward me.His mouth was now inches away.I should wiggle out of his grip.I should take several steps back.I should tell him I couldn’t do this.But I didn’t.Because I wante
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God, I wished my mind hadn’t gone there.But, as the thunder slapped the air around me for the third time, I knew this was just the beginning.Of my thoughts.Of the trembling.I folded myself into a ball, my arms wrapping over the top of my head.I was bracing myself.Because I knew it was about to happen again.Any second.I hadn’t checked the weather, and I hadn’t watched the news, so I hadn’t known it was supposed to rain today, that I wouldn’t wake up to another sunny day.The noise went off again.A craaack that was like leather whipping bare skin.A headache gnawed at my skull.My stomach churned.I found it hard to breathe.This was what happened every time.Same symptoms.Same emotions.Same tremors rocking my entire body.With each quiver, it felt like the covers were strangling me even tighter.I had to get out.I scanned the different spots around my room, looking for a place to run to.There was the chair on one side. The entrance to the bathroom and the door to the close
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She was sweet with a heavy dose of shyness. Mysterious and compassionate. The most gorgeous woman I’d ever kissed.But what made her so unlike the others were her eyes.They were older than the twenty-something years she’d been alive.They’d seen moments that were unforgettable.So had mine.I could tell nothing could shock her anymore.We had that in common, too.The women I’d been with thought they could handle a guy like me.That was until I woke them during one of my nightmares.Until they learned how dark my life had been.I would never allow them to see either, so I would end things after the first few days.That wasn’t the case with Alix.Instead, I was pulling her in.Because, when I looked into those stunning eyes, I saw someone who would understand me.Someone who had experienced pain.Who still felt it.And that scared me right down to my fucking core.I shook my head, taking a drink from the Tito’s and soda I’d poured a few minutes ago, and checked the temperature of the c
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Hard.Directly across the face.No one could understand how ugly that part got.Not Rose.Especially not Dylan.It wouldn’t matter if they were in here with me.If their arms were wrapped around me. If I heard them tell me I wasn’t alone.It would still eat at me and break me down.It would leave me with an emptiness, an isolation that could never be filled.This was what I would have to live with.Forever.And then, suddenly, without warning, the ride would turn once more.Craaack would fill my ears.And I’d be back in the memory phase.This would go on for hours.It held me captive.Turning, turning, turning until the ride finally came to a stop.It was the sound of the doorbell that had caused it to halt.For my eyes to burst open.It chimed again.And again.I felt the chains loosen from around my wrists. The cement cracked beneath me, my back unsticking from the wall, releasing me enough that I could push myself up.I got onto my knees.My nails dug into the wood.I was on my fee
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I turned toward her, putting my back to the Stop sign. “What do you mean?”“You were supposed to go to Smith’s house for dinner tonight, so what excuse did you give him?”Dinner.Tonight.Smith.Fuck.“You didn’t cancel with him, did you?”“It started thundering and …” I was sure my expression said everything that I didn’t. I stared at the ground, wondering what he was thinking and what I would say to him. And then I slowly glanced up. “He was cooking for me.”“You have to fix this.”“I know,” I whispered, but I was almost positive no sound had come out at all.Twenty-NineDylanTwo Years and Three Months AgoAlix had refused to call into work, so we didn’t go to Maine over the long weekend.Because she’d been off for twelve hours, which was how long she spent in the guest room, and then she’d worked for two days straight, I had gone almost three days without hearing her voice.But we texted nonstop.And I could tell she was trying to respond to my messages as fast as she could.She’d
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My smile hadn’t faded. “Something tells me you knew where this conversation was headed, and this was your plan all along.” My lips disappeared into the side of her neck, two-day scruff rubbing over her skin. “You know it’s torture, getting up that early when I’m on vacation.”She was ticklish and couldn’t keep quiet or still. “Dylan,” she said through laughter, “okay, okay, I’ll admit it; it was my plan all along.”“You hustled me.” I pulled my face away, my lips now hovering inches in front of hers.That goddamn look.The one that was on her face.The one I could never say no to.“I’ll make a deal with you,” she said. “If we check the weather and it’s supposed to snow tomorrow, we’ll head to the mountain. If it’s supposed to be sunny, we’ll go for a hike.”I already knew the weather. I’d checked it this morning after I went through my email.“Deal.” I lifted her a little, so I could reach into my pocket and grab my phone. Once I had it, I held it in front of us and clicked on the Wea
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