CHAPTER 19- DEAR DIARY

  Dear Diary, 

 '  Long time, I've missed writing my thoughts. I am writing this down as a result of a new finding in my life. I just realized a week ago that I have been attracted to six boys my whole life.

   As much as it hurts to have that kind of feeling, I have to be positive and not think too much about it. I must have developed feelings for the same sex due to my hormone fluctuation.

   Learning I had a feeling for the opposite sex light up my world as it made me feel less depressed about that weird feeling.

  Rachael, my best friend, and crush said to me" Someone you regularly talk to, who happens to be the opposite sex, you will surely have a crush on that person"

  That left me wondering 'Does she even have any feelings for me?

   I exhale deeply trying not to remember the night I made that awful discovery about myself. Cleaning the pricks of tears down my face, I picked up my pen to write a poem that came to my mind.

I felt a wave of DÉJÀ VU

I felt down

My heart almost throbbing out of place

My imagination going wide

I feel my emotions disheveled

My emotions trying to balance

This weird feeling haunting me

I keep praying vehemently

I felt so low

Happy at myself

Disappointed with my feelings

The feelings that refused to go away

I feel so hopeless

I need someone to trust with this secret

Can I find one?

I will keep waiting

Waiting, controlling, and disciplining myself

To keep this feeling at bay

I pray in my heart

To tell the right person

About this weird feeling

                                           THE END

     Rachael and I departed on that day after talking for a while. I did not confess my feelings to her, as I just kept quiet listening to her talks. Today, being Friday night prompted me to write in my diary. I looked at the other side of the bed, my older brother sleeping soundly. Thankfully, he agreed we should sleep in his bedroom. Just looking at him makes me wonder whether I can confide in him. I need someone that can just tell me to keep calm over this feeling of mine. Someone that won't judge me for developing feelings for the same sex.

  I had a second thought of telling Rachael about my problem but on a third thought of how the scenario might turn out to be, I kept quiet. I already have a crush on Joshua which was exposed by Joshua. How will she react when she finally gets to know I have feelings for the same sex too, especially Ethan.

   It might distraught our friendship, much to my prediction. I can't afford to lose my friendship with her due to some random feeling. As for Joshua, I will much rather swallow hot charcoal than tell him that secret. He can make a mountain out of a molehill.

******

   Weeks passed and probably months, yet my feelings for Ethan kept growing leaving a bitter taste at the back of my tongue. Even when I try to stop it,I can't stop imagining how handsome he is. Is it his dark face that looks flawless, or his full red lips that  I find attractive? Hiding my secret is a tough one, not to mention getting over my blooming feeling for Ethan.

    I feel so frustrated sometimes, especially being that Ethan seems visible around me every time. He never stopped respecting me or behaving like a gentleman to me, which no doubt left me sinking into the attraction world that I never imagined would take place for long.

   Every time I see him, I often feel a spark, a kind of desire to see him around me. His smile alone leaves me flustered and seeing him smile almost led to my priority. The more I tried to get over him, the more I fell for him. 

  "Earth to Michael'', I heard Ethan say in my ear, as it startled me. I froze, almost freaking out at how close he was, as he leaned slightly on my shoulder. 

  He moved to the front of my table, drawing a chair to sit on. I looked at him and my eyes trailed down to his chest where two of his school shirt buttons were unbuttoned. His collarbones and part of his chest were slightly revealed, as I almost went dazed at such sight.

  " I hope you are not trying to read the whole book just because of a JAMB because you kept zoning out and also staring at the window", he said

 (JOINT Admission Matriculation Board) examination( a very important examination done after high school for getting admission into a higher learning\institution, like a university).

    I stared at him, breathing out a little. There are quite a lot of things going on in my mind, one of which is that I am attracted to the person in front of me. My JAMB exam is tomorrow and my WAEC(WEST AFRICA EXAMINATION) starts in three weeks. How would I control my growing feelings for Ethan and possibly prevent that big secret of mine from being exposed?

    "Oh! I just feel tired so I decided to stare outside for a while", I replied, my eyes focusing back on my past questions.

  " All the best bro, 300+ all the way", he remarked clicking his tongue.

   I smiled warmly at him which he reciprocated. I don't think I can ever forget you, Ethan.

  "Thanks. I hope to score a good mark but to be honest, I feel anxious", I stated as he furrowed his brows.

  " Like seriously? You are anxious? I did mine like 2 days ago and I did not feel any hint of anxiety", 

  I could feel his I don't care attitude in regards to that exam, and I felt like slapping him as I knocked his head a little.

  "Ow, what was that for? he asked his eyes on me.

  " It is for being naughty at heart with your I don't care attitude. Thanks to you, my anxiety rose", I commented as he chuckled.

   We talked for a while before he left for the front row where the girls were. I could not help but feel he was flirting with them, maybe slightly. I grimaced at my thought trying not to wish he was still here. I still find it unbelievable that I would be attracted to him one day. It felt like a dream, more of a nightmare. But the disturbing factor in my mind right now is 'Is he attracted to me?'

  I can't bring myself to answer that question. Just thinking about it makes me wonder how I will deal with my attraction in the higher institution. My mind flashed back to what happened to one of my decisions two weeks ago. I felt a cold shiver down my spine.