Twisted Love

Lara

For as long as I can remember I have been infatuated with the moon.

The moon, and the ocean—specifically what the moon did to the sea. 

The light beaming from the sky so simply but causing so much chaos, strong salty gusts of wind, the thick low hanging clouds, in the forbidding empty sky; and the low rumble of thunder that echoes through the air and wraps itself around me, like the wind.

That's what loving him felt like, or maybe losing him.

Maybe I never had him...maybe loving him was losing him.

The chaos of the angry ocean, with the looming uneasy sky, that felt like him.

My eyes watch the frothy waves rush to the sand, washing away anything left behind by the previous rush of water. and the dark sky above feels as though it's dripping down around me as I let my teeth sink into my lip, my thoughts escaping me. 

The thought of his kiss made my cold and pale fingers reach to my lips, swearing I could feel it for a split second, only for the imaginary sensation to disappear like the waves disappearing back into the ocean, making me shiver.

I finally got the courage to look away from the freezing water. I turn on my heels, staring down at wet sand, thunder crashing around me again. 

The rain was about to fall, any second now, I stare upwards before I make the choice to walk back towards my house.

My feet feel heavy, as I sigh, not wanting to leave but knowing I needed to. 

My hands shoved into the pocket of my jacket, my head down as the wind feels like it's fighting against me, not so subtly pushing me back to the ocean.

The ocean was where I felt him the most, the sand slipping through my fingers, like he did. 

The cold wind left me breathless, like he did.

And the salty water left goosebumps on my skin, like he did.

As soon as I open the front door, and close it behind me, I start ridding myself of these damp clothes.

The army olive-green jacket piling on the floor waiting for the rest of the wet clothes that insulted my body...

I walk through the dimly lit apartment, the floor creaking a bit as I walk towards the pale gloomy avocado-colored kitchen before opening up a cabinet, and pulling down my mother’s vintage cast iron tea kettle.

The metal clinks against the side of the old and slightly rusted yellow-tinted sink as the water rushed out of the faucet and into the kettle—the clicking of the stove’s pilot clicking as I watched the flame ignite under the burner grates made me realize just how quiet my apartment is.

I sigh, looking across the room at my record player.

Everything reminded me of him, can't I just listen to music without his voice creeping its way into my mind?

The memories of him also tainted my fond few memories of my mother and me before she disappeared with more sadness, cause now he too was gone.

Left in my bra and underwear I shiver—goosebumps littering my skin, staring out the large half-circle window of my apartment. 

The ocean stared back at me as my mind trails to the times he peeled my clothes off as we pushed through the door of these four yellow-tinted white walls

Our hands were not moving fast enough for our likings as we melted into each other's embrace. My kiss burned through the cold exterior he used to hide who he was.

A knock on the door quickly snaps me out of his arms, that memory of his arms wrapped around me.

I brush my wet hair behind my ears as I walk towards the door, furrowing my brows as I near the wooden door that had chipped white paint covering it. I stop in my tracks, and look down, and realize I had indeed stripped.

"Just a second!" My voice shakes as I speak, feeling flustered.

I wasn't expecting anyone. I trod up the stairs towards my room. 

I lived in a small apartment with a loft where my room was. I reached into my drawer grabbing a largely worn t-shirt, it was his. it used to be his. I slid it over my head, reaching for my leggings, moving quickly as I pulled the thin fabric over my legs. 

I almost tripped over my own feet as I rushed to the door, swinging it open.

I feel all of the air escape my lungs as I stare into the hallway of my apartment building. 

A lump forms in my throat, as I feel the blood drain from my face. my cheeks lose color. I stumble over my words as I open my mouth to try to say anything.

“K-Kol?” As his name falls from my lips I furrow my eyebrows and my shock turns quickly to anger.

Thoughts fill my head quickly like the clouds filling the sky outside, as it is getting ready to rain. My eyes water and I feel like I'm literally choking on words that seem to find their way halfway up my throat and then stop.

I take a deep breath. my hands at my sides, I ball my fists. 

The familiar smell of smoke and expensive cologne overwhelms me. It was something I occasionally smelled after he left, it would find its way to me while I was reading, or trying to fall asleep, and now yet again it had found its way to me.

He had found his way to me.

"No—" Was all that I could get out. His eyebrows raise and his arm goes to the door frame, he leans in.

"Really?" His sharp accent makes goosebumps rise on my skin yet again. I wanted to disappear right now, right here. 

His hazel-green eyes look down at the ground and back up to my eyes. He moves from the doorframe and steps towards me. I step backward, but I don't tell him to stop.

"Kol-" I breathe shakily. I hadn't said his name out loud for months, but now it was the only thing I could say.

I had the urge to either hug him or hit him. I wasn't quite sure. I didn't think I would ever see him again, and here he was. standing in my doorway, ripped black jeans, a leather jacket, and a shirt with three buttons buttoned.

My eyes fall to the tribal tattoos peeking out. They taunted me, reminding me of the times my hands had free roam of each and every ink line on his skin.

"Lara" he mocks my tone. Although he put on such a cold, hardened exterior, his eyes said otherwise.

The emotion was present in his eyes, and somewhat hidden by his high.

I listen but snap myself out of whatever trance he put me in. Quickly, I put my hands up, in protest as he says my name. "don't." I mumble as I shake my head and mentally scold myself for wanting to hear what he had to say.

"Y-You.." I shake my head again as I try to figure out what words are coming next, the world feels like it has stopped spinning. 

I was so lost.

I had gone over what I would say to him if I ever saw him again. I had gone over it in my head before falling asleep, every night for a month....but now...I wasn't even sure I understood what was happening.

"I?" He cuts me off as he steps closer. My back was now pressed against one of the pillars in my falling apart apartment.

His smell was intoxicating, my eyes lowering as he moved closer. I couldn't look him in the eyes, I didn't even want to look at him at all for that matter.

"Get out." I spit, my jaw clenching tightly after I get the words out. "I-I don't even know who you are-get out." My hands go to his chest, and I shove as hard as I could.

His eyebrows raise, taunting me. 

"I said get out!" I yell, and my voice cracks. I sounded way less intimidating than I was intending. 

Maybe that's because I didn’t know if I wanted him to leave. 

"You think you can disappear for months, no calls, no texts, nothing. and then show up here?" I laugh a little, my chest rising and falling quickly as I try to pull myself together. "That's so funny." I nod, pushing his chest again.

"Get out of my house Kol or—" I stop. "Is that even your name?" My eyes squinted towards him, watching his jaw clench immediately as the words I spoke hit him.

"Of course, that's my fucking name are you serious right now? Lara—" his strong voice boomed through my apartment, making me shiver. I'm sure the whole building heard his anger-filled voice.

He reaches for me. 

My eyes widened and I stepped back again.

"I don't even care if that's your name, I don't care who you are. I don't know you." I shake my head, coming to terms with the words as I say them.

"You lied to me about everything. Everything that happened between us was a lie. You don't even know who you are." I look down at my hands, realizing I'm fumbling with them nervously. 

He made me so nervous.

"Please- just get out." I blinked a few times trying to keep the tears from falling but it was too late, they streamed down my cheeks making my breathing even more irregular.

"Lara Jane, please just let me explain—" his face had softened as he saw my tears. 

It was like every cheesy movie, ‘let me explain’ I mock his voice in my head.

"No, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck your explanation. get out." I shoved him one last time watching him stumble over his own feet and through the doorway. Moving quickly I slam the door closed. My hands rush to the metal lock and I slide it to the left, listening to it click.

My feet don't move, I stay standing in the same spot.

My eyes were glued to the door. He was back, and the one thing I did know about him was that he was…possessive, and he always got what he wanted. I was just hoping that it wasn't me that he wanted…maybe he was back for another reason.

It wasn't until the sound of the birds chirping fell through the window frame that I realized I had been up all night. I hadn't slept, not a minute, not a second.

The cup of, now cold tea remained in my hands as I stared out the window at the ocean. 

I was thinking of him…

I was always thinking of him. 

It wasn’t until eight months after he drowned that I found out who he was.—who he actually was, that is. 

I knew who he pretended to be, I knew that version of him very well. 

I remember that night like it was yesterday—I got the call that changed everything for me. 

—Five months ago—

“He’s been gone for eight months, I'm over it. it’s fine.” I shrug with a small nod as I throw my head back, swallowing the strong liquor from the shot glass between my fingers. 

My friend standing there next to me in the crowded bar of our small coastal town. 

“You’re clearly not over it, and you’ve been moping around nonstop—Woah! okay! let’s slow down with the shots.” He raises his brows as he takes the shot glass from my fingers and downs it himself. 

“Eli,” I say in a scolding tone, staring at the dark-haired man in front of me. His nose pierced, and the sides of his head were shaved, tattoos decorating his arms. He sported new ink on the side of his neck —Thor’s hammer, still red and slightly puffy on the skin from the recent trauma. 

“Well, I'm just saying...” He trails off again. His phone screen lights up, illuminating the side of his face just seconds before it begins to ring. 

I couldn’t be happier, it was saving me from this conversation. He brings his phone up to his ear as he steps outside so he could hear the voice on the other line better. 

I downed a few more shots while he was gone. —What he didn’t know wasn’t going to hurt him...right?

I was starting to feel a buzz, I wasn’t feeling it as bad as I was when I first got here if I'm honest. 

That all ended when I saw the look on Eli's face. 

“Wh-what?” I mouthed to him from across the room, as he walked back over to me. 

“Nothing-nothing,” he says as he steps towards me, shaking his head as he pushes a fake smile to his lips. 

“Can we get another round of shots?” He looks across the bar counter at the blonde-haired bartender, she smiles with a nod. 

“Eli, stop...come on! Tell me what’s going on?” I scrunch up my eyebrows, stepping closer to him. My eyes try to find his but he quickly looks off in a different direction. 

“They found him...h-he’s well,” he pauses as he takes a breath. “Lara, he didn’t die that night...he didn’t completely drown.” He still didn’t look at me, it was like he was trying to find the right words to say in the thin air in this bar. 

“I know why he left,” he swallows, and a look of confusion falls over my face.

“Wh-what do you mean?” I mumbled out. 

“He was—“ He licks his lips. “He is...he’s on the run.” He nods as he reaches for the shot that was just slid across the bar. He downs it. “He’s a criminal.” He half lied. 

“He’s a cold-hearted criminal,” his jaw clenches as the glass in his hands makes sounds that it was threatening to break in his tattooed hand.