CHAPTER 5

Regret

He's holding a girl's hand in the picture. I can't clearly see the woman's face, but I know she's not familiar to me. I never saw this girl before until now.

Her platinum brown hair length is much more longer than mine. The tips of her hair is also curled, but I think it was made. Hindi iyon kagaya sa akin na natural. She's tall but not taller as my husband. In this picture, Jasper is clearly taller than her.

He's talking to her while he's holding her hand. Kitang-kita ko mula dito sa picture kung paano niya malalim na kinakausap ang babae. The first three buttons of his black blouse were opened. Napalunok ako at mabilis na pinatay ang phone ko.

I'm tired of crying, but I guess I have no freaking choice. It's the only way to release all the pain. Nadagdagan pa iyon dahil kahit kanina ko pa gustong umiyak, hindi pwede dahil magtataka si Fiona. Wala namang nakakaiyak, bakit ako umiiyak?

She's now peacefully sleeping in her room, but I'm still here at the kitchen, patiently waiting for Jasper to come home. I won't be mad, I swear, if he'll just come home.

Madaling araw na. It's been six fucking hours since Andrea sent me that picture. She keeps on texting me if I am just fine. I told her that I am, though obviously I am not. Sinabihan ko lang siya na 'wag nang sabihin kay Ate Ginger 'yon. O kahit kanino. Pumayag naman siya at sinabing hindi niya raw iyon sasabihin kahit kanino gaya ng gusto ko.

Yumuko ako sa muling pagkakataon. I want to sleep. Gusto ko nang matulog. Pagod na pagod na 'yong buong katawan ko. I woke up earlier, crying, but I will still end this day with fucking tears.

I texted Dad. Hindi ko alam kung gising pa ba siya ngayon pero gusto kong matulog ngayon sa bahay niya. I'll bring Fiona with me.

Naputol ako sa pag-iisip nang bumukas ang pinto. Agad akong napalingon doon at nakita si Jasper na halatang pagod na pagod. Tumama ang mata niya sa akin. Siguro dahil ang kusina lang ang tanging may ilaw ngayon at iyon agad ang unang bagay na bumungad sa paningin niya.

Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kanya nang walang pasabing bumagsak ang isang butil ng luha mula sa mata ko. Narinig ko ang paa niyang papalapit sa akin. May isang daan lang papuntang kitchen mula sa kahit saang parte ng bahay. I exactly know that. I freaking know that! Pero naglakad pa rin ako papaalis kahit na alam kong maaabutan niya ako.

"Why are you still up?" His cold heavy voice filled the whole living room.

Mabilis ko siyang nilingon. Tiningnan ko siya mula ulo hanggang paa. Ang itim niyang shirt blouse at pants ay ang parehong suot niya kanina noong iniwan niya kami sa sementeryo. Iyon din ang suot niya sa picture. The only difference is his buttons. Nakasarado na ulit 'yon ngayon. Looks like he fixed it... Or maybe that woman fixed it. I don't know. I'm just glad he's now here.

"Are you tired?" Napangisi ako at yumuko. My tears are still flowing like a mad falls. Hindi ko alam kung nakikita niya ba 'yon o hindi. Wala naman kasi siyang sinasabi. "I'm sorry. I answered your question with another question."

He didn't react nor said anything. He's just standing inches away from me. It looks like he's trying to balance out the situation. Para bang alam niyang umiiyak ako at nag-aantay na lang ng paghikbi mula sa akin. Kinagat ko ang labi ko at inangat ang tingin sa mukha niya.

"I'm tired, Van. Pero hindi ka na dapat nag-antay. I bet you're also tired," paos ang boses niyang sambit at nilagpasan ako para makaakyat na sa kwarto namin. "I'll sleep. Good night."

Tumango lang ako at hindi na siya sinagot.

Did he really know that I was crying? Or he just looked blankly at me? Either way, I'm still glad he didn't ask any further question.

Inantay kong lumayo ang hakbang ng paa niya bago ako muling nagpatuloy sa pag-iyak. Dahan-dahan akong umupo sa pwestong kinatatayuan ko kani-kanina lang. I don't know but I feel much more comfortable while crying on this position. Pakiramdam ko ay naibubuhos ko ang lahat kapag umiiyak ako habang nakaupo.

I just cried for hours. I no longer know how I cried or how long I did that. Basta umiyak na lang ako nang umiyak hanggang sa bumigat na ang mata ko at sinakop ako ng nakakabulag na kadiliman.

Nagising ako kinabukasan na sobrang bigat ng ulo ko. Mariin kong hinawakan ang sentido ko dahil sa sobrang sakit. I feel someone's staring at me, so I quickly opened my still sleepy eyes. I found my baby looking cutely towards my direction. Her natural curly hair is dancing with the morning wind. She looks like she just woke up, too.

Tumalon siya mula sa pagkakaupo sa malaking sofa dito sa kwarto namin ni Jasper. Ngayon ko lang namalayan na nandito ako sa kwarto namin. Wala akong maalalang umakyat ako dito pagkatapos kong madramang umiyak kagabi.

Nawala ang isip ko sa bagay na iyon nang naglakad si Fiona papalapit sa study table namin bago naglakad papalapit sa akin. She's holding a glass of water and something inside her hand. Mabilis akong lumapit sa kanya para hindi siya mahirapan sa pagdadala ng mga 'yon. Natatakot ako dahil baka ang maliliit niyang daliri ay mabitawan ang baso. She might get hurt.

"What is this for, baby? You shouldn't hold the glass like this. You might get hurt," malambing kong saad kay Fiona nang nakuha ko na ang baso mula sa kamay niya.

She showed me her cute smile again before handing me a tablet of medicine. "Daddy Jasper said I should give that to you, Mommy, when you woke up. He said you should put this on your mouth first before drinking that water."

Natawa ako dahil sa pagtuturo niya sa akin kung ano ang tamang gagawin. Binaba ko ang tingin sa gamot na hawak ko. It's a medicine for headaches. Ginawa ko ang gusto ni Fiona kahit na hindi ko pa natatanong kung anong dahilan at pinapainom ako nito.

"Why did daddy told you I should drink this?" I asked after I swallowed the medicine that was given by my family.

"He said he's worried for you, Mommy. There were waterfalls falling from your eyes last night, he said," inosenteng sagot niya. Nawala ang ngiti ko. Kasabay no'n ay ang paglapit niya sa akin at niyakap ang tuhod ko. "Did waterfalls really come out from your eyes, Mommy? If you do, then tell me how to do that!"

Pilit akong ngumiti sa kanya. She's smiling at me with astonishment and amazement evident on her brown set of eyes. She looks like she's really expecting for an answer from that question.

"Fiona, do you want to sleep on daddy lolo's place again?" A genuine smile etched on my lips when she excitedly nodded. Happiness and excitement are evident on her cute, little face.

"Yes, Mommy! I want to. I want to!" paulit-ulit niyang saad at mas lalong niyakap ang tuhod ko.

Well, then. I think this is a good idea. I need to take a break. Just for a night, just one night, I want a break. Nakakapagod din umiyak.

Hinahanda ko ang lahat ng damit namin ni Fiona. I don't know why am I preparing too much. It's just a night. Pero wala na akong magagawa. Nakahanda na ang tig-iisang backpack namin. I think half of our things are all in there.

"Fiona, prepare yourself at 3, okay? I still need to clean the house before we leave," muli kong pagpapaalala sa kanya nang natapos kami sa paglalunch.

"Okay, Mommy! I'll just watch some movies inside my room, okay?" pagpapaalam niya mula sa hagdanan.

Napaangat ang tingin ko sa kanya. Malaki ang ngiti niya habang inaantay ang isasagot ko. Tumango ako at binalik ang sinuklian ang malaki niyang ngiti.

"Do you want me to call Ate Maddison for you? You know, to notify her that you'll be in daddy lolo's house," saad ko.

Mabilis siyang tumango, halatang mas lalong na-excite sa suhewestiyon ko. "Of course, Mommy! Call Ate Maddison for me so we'll play again! I want to play with her, Mommy."

Ngumiti lang ako at hindi na sumagot. Hindi na rin niya inantay ang sasabihin ko dahil mabilis na siyang umakyat. Mukhang narinig na niya ang paborito niyang palabas sa tv ng kwarto niya. Sinilip ko kung babalik pa ba siya pero mukhang masyado na siyang natuwa sa kung ano man ang papanoorin niya.

Umupo ako sa sofa at kinuha ang phone mula sa bulsa ko. I should contact Dad. I'll just let him know that we will stay at his place for a night... or maybe two, three? I don't know.

"Yes, Giovanna?" bungad niya nang nasagot na niya ang tawag ko.

Ngumiti ako kahit na alam kong hindi naman niya iyon makikita. "Dad, do you perhaps have some visitors today?"

"Hmm... none. I'm expecting no one," sagot niya at mahinang humalakhak. "Why?"

Tumango ako. Mariin kong pinaglalaruan ang mga kuko ng daliri ko. It will be the first time, since we got here in Florida and since I became married, that I'll request to sleep on his residence. No, nagawa ko na pala ito noon. Naalala kong ganito rin ang nararamdaman ko noon at ang tanging takbuhan ko ay si Daddy lang. I don't know how it will sound to him, but I just really need some time to breathe. Again.

"Can I sleep at your place? Just for tonight," I asked nervously.

As much as I can, I want this little problem of mine just to be mine. Ayokong malaman niya na may problema ako or whatever shit it is.

Kahit naman siguro hindi ko na sabihin, alam niya na rin ang dahilan. Kagaya ng sinabi ko, nagawa ko na ito dati. Funny how I promised him I'll manage my problems alone, but here I am, running and escaping from that problem again.

Ilang saglit siyang hindi nakaimik. Mas padagdag tuloy nang padagdag ang kaba ko. I'm sure he'll say yes. I'm just afraid for his possible questions.

"Of course, you may. My doors will always be open for you, Giovanna," he answered. But then again, we all know that there will always be these 'buts.' Hindi mawawala iyon sa bawat usapan. "But... is there a problem? I'm sorry, this is just so sudden. I, uh-"

"None, Dy. I just really wanted to sleep at your place," mabilis kong pagpuputol sa kanya habang mariin pa ring pinaglalaruan ang kuko ng mga daliri ko. "Fiona said your house is huge. I just-"

"Of course, I want you here in my house, Giovanna. But remember years ago, I told you that every problem's solution is a good, established communication," seryoso at malalim na boses niyang pagpuputol sa akin. Napahinto ako sa paglalaro sa kuko ko at kinagat ang pang-ibabang parte ng labi ko. "You can take a break, run away for now... but you know you can't turn a blind eye forever. You should tallk to your-"

"Walang problema, Dy. I just... I really wanted to sleep at your house. That's all," saad ko, pilit iniiwasan ang nagbabadya na namang luha sa mata ko. Seriously, I'm tired.

Ilang saglit siyang hindi nagsalita. Hindi ko alam kung papatayin ko na ba 'yong tawag o ano. Gusto ko kasing maramdaman ang mapayapang katahimikan na 'to kahit saglit lang. Pakiramdam ko babagsak talaga 'yong mga luha ko 'pag binaba ko na 'yong tawag.

"Your birthday is just a week from now, Giovanna. April 8," pagbasag niya bigla sa katahimikan, "I'm sorry for the silence. I was looking at the calendar to confirm it."

Huminga ako nang malalim. Ngayon ko lang namalayan 'yon. Too much overthinking and stress made me forget that. Lucky, my dad knows every basic details about us. About me.

Well, it's nothing special though. I think I'll celebrate that day just quite normal, like how it should be. Like how it always used to be.

The first and last special birthday I had was when my mom was still here. She and Jasper, actually. I remember they sung to me together on my 21st birthday. They were very, very close back then. Unfortunately, that first moment became the last.

That was five years ago, though. Everyone already forgot that. After that birthday, the rest just became normal. Sure, surprises were still there, but I am not fond of surprises. Para sa akin ay 'yon talaga ang pinaka magandang birthday. Ever.

We talked about that matter a bit before Dad decided to hang up the phone already. Maghahanda raw siya para sa pagdating namin. Pumayag din ako doon para matipid ko ang oras niya.

Huminga ako nang malalim at binura na iyon sa isipan ko. I was about to check Fiona upstairs, kaya lang ay narinig ko ang pagtunog ng doorbell mula sa labas. Kumunot ang noo ko at dahan-dahang naglakad para silipin kung sino 'yon.

Sumilip ako mula dito sa pinto. I am not expecting anyone so I'm really surprise. I saw a man in his uniform again. The same man who delivered to me our monthly bill a week ago. Mabilis akong lumabas para daluhan siya.

"Oh, hi! Another bill?" bungad ko dahilan kung bakit mabilis siyang napalingon sa akin.

Mula sa iritadong mukha ay sinuot niya ang isang ngiti. He must have had a rough day today. I can see from his smile that he's not really that happy.

The hell, Giovanna? Ano namang pake mo? Ugh! Reading people sometimes is annoying, I swear.

"Uh, sorry. It's not a bill but rather an update from, I think, your family's bank again." Ngiti niya at inabot ang isang envelope sa akin.

Ngumiti ako at tumango na lang. "Yeah. Thank you for this."

Hindi na niya dinagdagan pa iyon at naglakad na papalapit sa motorsiklo niya. Hindi ko na rin siya inantay na makaalis at mabilis na pumasok sa loob ng bahay.

Before I can even check Jasper's bank account, Fiona's sweet ecstatic voice cut me. Mabilis kong inangat ang tingin sa kanya.

"Mom! Let's go! I want to go to Daddy Lolo's house already," excited niyang saad habang nasa kamay niya ang phone ko.

Natatawa akong naglakad papalapit sa kanya. "Did you call daddy lolo?"

"No, Mommy. I was about to call Daddy because I suddenly miss him, but I got daddy lolo's number instead," nakanguso niyang sagot at niyakap ang binti ko. "Mommy. Let's now visit daddy lolo! He said he prepared sweets for me!"

Nawala ang ngiti ko nang narinig ang salitang 'sweets' mula sa kanya. Pagsasabihan ko pa sana siya kaya lang ay nilamon na ng excited niyang boses ang pananalita ko. Siguro pagsasabihan ko na lang si Daddy. Baka 'pag sinabihan ko si Fiona ay umiyak siya. At least Dad knows how to control her.

Nilapag ko ang puting envelope na natanggap ko kanina at kinuha lahat ng gamit namin ni Fiona. She looks even more excited because of that. Natatawa ko siyang sinundan palabas.

"Wait here, baby. I'll just check the house before we leave, okay?" bilin ko na mabilis niyang pinayagan. Tiningnan ko muna kung komportable ba siya sa kinauupuan niya sa loob ng sasakyan ko bago ako naglakad pabalik sa bahay.

I checked all of our things. Tv, aircons, and any thing that might cause some problem here in our house. Napahinto ako sa mabilis na paglalakad at tumigil sa tapat ng kwarto namin. Napalunok ako at agad na sumilip sa loob no'n. Everything is already closed. Curtains, drawers, and even our windows are all tightly closed... But I still feel cold. Sa sobrang lamig ay halos sakupin na no'n ang buong sistema ko. Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko habang mariing nakatingin sa malaking kama namin ni Jasper.

"I'm not mad... I just need a break. It's exhausting. I hope you understand," bulong ko, para bang kinakausap siya kahit wala namang kahit ano o sino doon maliban sa malaki naming kama.

Bago pa muling bumagsak ang luha ko ay mabilis na akong tumalikod at naglakad pabalik kay Fiona. Nakakatuwang makita ang naiinis niyang mukha. Siguro ay napag-antay ko siya ng sobrang tagal. Her face is cuter when she's mad, but I don't want my baby to be mad at me that's why I willingly obliged her wish, to visit her daddy lolo. Now.

Nagdrive ako papunta sa bahay ni Daddy. Fiona really sounds so excited. Kahit na alam niyang pwede ulit siyang dalhin sa hospital dahil sa sobrang pagkain ng matamis ay naexcite pa rin siya.

Tss. Why are kids so stubborn?

"What's this? Are you expecting a ton of children here, Dad? You sure Fiona will eat these all alone?" mariin kong bulong habang nilalagay ang iilang brownies sa loob ng malaki niyang tupperware. "I told you, she's not supposed to eat some sweets-"

"I know, Giovanna. I know," natatawa niyang pagpuputol habang naglalagay ng iilang brownies sa maliit na bowl. Ang bowl na iyon ang ibibigay niya para sa anak ko. "Hindi ko naman 'to nilagyan ng maraming sugar. Ni hindi nga yata ako naglagay ng asukal, e."

Nawala saglit ang atensyon ko kay Daddy nang narinig ang masayang pagsigaw ni Fiona mula sa living room. She's just alone. She's watching some kiddie shows on Dad's big tv. Hindi ko na iyon pinansin at binalik sa pala-konsinte kong tatay ang tingin.

"Do you think I'll be satistified with that, Dy?" sarkastiko kong tanong at kinuha ang dalawang piraso ng brownies mula sa bowl niya. "No! Fiona will eat just one. More than that is already too much."

Narinig ko pa ang pagrereklamo niya pero hindi ko na iyon pinansin at sinenyasan siyang ibigay na iyon kay Fiona bago pa magbago ang isip ko.

Tsk. Being with two stubborn people is really a pain in the ass. I regret doing this.

Naputol ako sa ginagawa nang naramdaman ang pagvibrate ng phone ko. Nahirapan pa akong kunin agad 'yon dahil sa sobrang dulas ng kamay ko. When I finally did, I checked the caller's ID plastered on the screen. It's Andrea again.

Wala sa sariling bumalik sa isip ko 'yong picture na sinend niya kagabi. I don't know why do I even need to remember that, but yeah, I just did. Nakakapagod.

"Hello?" bungad ko nang nasagot ko ang tawag niya. Pinilit kong maglagay ng ngiti para hindi niya marinig ang kung anong nabubuong emosyon sa loob ko.

"Yes, hi, Giovanna!" magiliw niyang pagbati pabalik sa akin. "How are you? Did you already talk to your husband?"

Ah, it's about that matter, I see. Naglakad ako papalapit sa sink para maghugas ng kamay. But I don't think that's really my excuse. I think I just wanted to buy some more time to think for an answer. I don't know what to answer!

"Uh, about last night?" Of course, Giovanna Ivey! Bakit ba siya tatawag bukod do'n? Such a stupid. "Sorry. Uhm, y-yeah. I mean, n-no. I still haven't..."

"Oh, I see..." mahina niyang sagot. Ilang saglit siyang natahimik. Akala ko nawala na siya sa tawag pero nawala ang pag-aakalang 'yon nang muli kong narinig ang malambing niyang boses mula sa kabilang linya. Her voice is always like that. Noong una ay naiirita ako sa boses na 'yon pero nasanay na rin naman ako. "You see, Van. There's a bar near that hotel he was at last night. I'm hanging out with someone around that bar. Like... every night."

Tumawa siya sa kalagitnaan kaya sinabayan ko iyon kahit na wala naman talagang nakakatuwa para sa akin. Ilang saglit ulit siyang hindi nakaimik. Maybe she wants to hear any violent reaction from me. Tumikhim ako at nagsuot ng ngiti.

"And then?" I politely asked, signalling her to continue. Ang tingin ko ay nasa paligid ng garden ni Daddy habang dinidinig ang pagkukuwento niya.

"And then I saw him yesterday... and I saw him again today, Van. S-still with that girl," nag-aalinlangan niyang sagot. Naramdaman ko ang pagbagsak ng buong kalamnan ko at yumuko. "I-I'm sorry, Giovanna. I, uh... I really didn't mean to tell it to you like this, but yeah..."

I gulped. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nawala na 'yong mga luha. It's the perfect time to cry, 'yong wala nang nakatingin sa akin. Yung lahat ay nasa kanya-kanya na nilang mundo. Why am I not crying?

"Is he with someone else?" I asked in a stern, normal voice.

Hindi siya agad sumagot pero naririnig ko pa rin ang malalim niyang paghinga. "He's with that girl again, Van. I saw them... Sorry. Do you want me to send you the picture?"

Hindi ako sumagot at agad na binaba ang tawag. I should go back home. I want to go back home!

Mabilis akong naglakad palabas ng bahay ni Daddy. Naabutan ko siyang nasa living room at nakikipagtawanan kay Fiona. Para bang may nakakatuwang bagay silang pinag-uusapan. Kabaligtaran sa nararamdaman ko.

Nang nakita ako ni Daddy ay napahinto siya at nag-aalala akong tinignan. Hinawakan niya ang braso ko at pilit akong pinaharap sa kanya.

"What's wrong, Giovanna Ivey? Why are you crying?" he asked with a loud, thunderous voice.

He looks mad but the way he hold me is still shallow. It's like he don't want and he's not planning to hurt me in any way possible.

I gulped. I'm crying? Really? Shit.

"It's nothing, Dy. An issue you shouldn't be concerned of."

Wala sa sariling napababa ang tingin ko kay Fiona na nagtatakang nakatingin sa akin. Nawala ang ngiti ko at mas lalong nadurog ang puso ko nang nakita ang malungkot niyang mukha sa akin.

"Is that the waterfalls Daddy told me about, Mommy?" she asked, almost a whisper, "So crying is now a waterfalls?"

Umupo ako sa harapan niya at mabilis siyang kinulong sa braso ko. My pain doubled when I saw her innocent, angelic face. How can he... How can he hurt me? How can he hurt his daughter?

"I love you, Fiona," I said, still trying to hug her even tighter.

Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang mabilis kong pag-iyak. Sabi ko na nga ba, saka lang lumalabas 'tong mga letseng luha na 'to kapag nakikita na ng iba. I hate this. I fucking hate this!

"I love you, too, Mommy," sagot ng maganda kong anak at hinayaan akong yakapin pa siya nang mahigpit. "And also daddy. I love both of you, Mommy."

Mariin akong pumikit. Dang it! How can I do this when my baby is this soft? I don't think I can do this.

Kahit na wala naman akong sinabi kay Andrea na isend niya ang kung ano mang picture ang sinasabi niya ay ginawa niya pa rin. She sent me two pictures, different from the picture she sent me yesterday.

In this picture, Jasper, on his casual paired suit is hugging now the same woman last night. Alam kong iyon ang babaeng iyon dahil sa pamilyar niyang buhok na nakita ko kagabi. Hindi ko masyadong nakita ang suot at ayos niya, pero kailangan ko pa bang malaman 'yon? I can't beat up my eyes more than this. Nakakapagod.

His bank account. His transactions, like a week ago, is full of different hotels and motels. It's just around the city. Iba't ibang hotels pero dito lang din sa Miami.

Pagod akong umupo mula sa kinatatayuan ko. I just wanted to rest. I wanted to sleep. So freaking bad...

Binuksan ko ang phone ko. Sobrang dilim dito sa loob ng bahay namin. Mine and Jasper's home. Tanging ang ilaw mula sa phone ko lang ang nagsisilbing ilaw ko. I didn't mind how the too much brightness of my phone is now slightly hurting my eyes. I just instead clicked Jasper's number on my luminous phone.

I'm not mad. I'm just... disappointed. It's not what he promised. This thing... he didn't say it when we were getting married. Mas lalo akong umiyak habang naglalaro sa isip ko ang eksatong sinabi niya noong kasal namin.

"I vow to make my life forever yours and build my dreams – our dreams with you. I take thee to be my wife and promise to look into your eyes just like I do now, with pure love and astonishment. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, and only you, Giovanna. You will be the only woman I'll see in my eyes today, tomorrow, and for always."

"Hello?" His hoarse voice asked when he finally answered my call.

Mas lalong bumagsak ang luha ko nang narinig ang pagod sa boses niya. He's tired, pero mas pagod ako. He's exhausted, but I can feel the exhaustion from the very bits of my bone more than he can. Nakakapagod pala ang ganitong buhay.

"Where are you?" tanong ko habang pinipigilan ang mas lalong pagbuhos ng mga luha ko.

Hindi siya sumagot. Napabaling ang tingin ko sa labas nang napansing malakas na bumagsak ang ulan. Hindi ko man lang alam na uulan pala ngayon. Nagkasabay sila ng luha ko. Hindi ko rin kasi alam na iiyak pala ulit ako ngayon.

"I'm in my car, Van," he confidently answered. Mariin akong pumikit at tuluyan nang bumagsak ang luha nang narinig ang sagot na iyon mula sa kanya. "I... Don't worry, pauwi na ako-"

"Where are you, Jasper Dave?!" pag-uulit kong tanong gamit ang malakas na boses. Tumakas ang isang hikbi nang hindi ko namalayan. Huli na para takpan ang bibig ko. I bet he already heard that. "Where are you, Jasper? Where are you, love, hmm?"

Narinig ko ang paghinga niya nang malalim. Ilang saglit siyang hindi nagsalita. Akala ko ibababa na niya ang tawag pero ang pagpiyok ng boses niya ang bumasag sa napakaingay na katahimikan.

"Why are you always crying, Van? Don't you know that it fucking hurts when I always hear your sobs?" he asked in a weak, tired voice. "I'm tired, Giovanna. I'm tired of doing this..."

Hindi na ako makahinga pero patuloy pa rin ang pagbagsak ng mga luha kong kanina pa nag-aantay makalabas at ang mga panibagong luha ulit na ngayon ay nag-aaantay nang makalabas. It feels like crying became my habit and lying is his.

For the first time in my life, I really regret such an important thing. Marriage. I regret being married. To him. I regret losing my mom, my dad, him, and myself. I regret all of those. I'm exhausted because of too much remorse.

"Napapagod na rin ako, Jasper. Nakakapagod umiyak..." bulong ko habang nararamdaman ang sobrang pagod, gaya ng sinabi ko sa kanya ngayon-ngayon lang. "I can't do this shit any more. We should break up."

He didn't answer. It's been a minute of silence between us. Only the heavy raindrops outside our house and my sobs can be heard. No noise faltered other than that. His line went silence. Everything around him is silent. I wonder if he's still on the line.

"What?" bulong niya ang nagpagising sa papikit kong mata.

Nilibot ko ang tingin sa paligid ng sobrang madilim naming bahay. Too dark that I wonder if I am really here, sitting and crying under it.

When I was a child, I was really afraid of darkness. Siguro dahil sa kung ano-anong nakakatakot na kwento sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko at ni Ate Ginger noon tungkol sa kadiliman, pero oo, takot talaga ako sa dilim. I mean, lahat naman siguro ay takot sa dilim 'diba?

But that anxiety came back. Natatakot ulit ako sa dilim. Hindi dahil sa mga nakakatakot na kwento o ano pa man. I'm just scared.

"You're tired. I am too. So yeah, let's break up," pag-uulit kong sagot. Huminga ako nang malalim bago muling nagpatuloy. "I regret meeting you, Jasper. If I could only turn back the time, I won't... be with you."

Iyon ang kauna-unahang lumabas sa bibig ko na talagang alam kong gusto kong mangyari. I want that to happen so bad that I am willing to risk everything just to change something in the past. Just.. so that I can't be with him in here now.