It had been hours since we had gotten home. Mykel still hadn't said anything more since I cleaned his wrist. I looked at the clock on the table next to the bag of bandages Liz bought. It was nearing ten p.m. With a sigh, I glanced to Mykel. His eyes were closed but I knew he was awake. Liz was awake as well. I looked at her with a sad smile before reaching over and grabbing the bag. I pulled out the new roll of gauze, antiseptic cream, and a new, crisp, white wrap. Silently I took Mykel's wrist and began to unwrap it. I kept sending glances his way, trying to read in his face if my movements were causing him pain. No amount of pain I accidentally inflicted could compare to the pain in his heart; his face remained passive. I finished re-wrapping his wrist, thankful the bleeding stopped some time ago. Gently I set his arm back down beside him before standing and leaving the room. I made my way downstairs slowly and headed toward the kitchen. My body craved something to relinquish the
The next morning came dark and early. I hadn't much slept the night before, alternating between nightmares and constantly making sure that Mykel was still breathing next to me. At around five that morning, I slipped from the bed and descended the stairs. Liz was already in the kitchen when I entered it in search of the coffee I smelled brewing. She poured me a large, strong cup after adding the amount of sugar she knew I liked and handed it to me."Couldn't sleep, either?" she asked me.I shook my head. "No. I kept dreaming of finding him just a little too late...and waking up with every move he made." I sipped my cup before setting it down on the counter. "Liz, I..." I looked at her with total helplessness in my eyes and she returned the look with equality. I felt my eyes water and throat close, the events of the day before still too entirely fresh in my mind.
She glanced up as Mykel took a seat next to her. She smiled sadly at him. I could see she was attempting to keep her composure. I knew the fear in her heart was one she hadn't quite experienced for her brother in several years. "Hey, Mykee." He smiled at her, but the smile was worn with an anxious pulling of his brows. "You want some coffee?" He nodded not speaking. I could see his throat bobbing as he swallowed impulsively, trying to keep himself from falling apart, by the look in her eyes. She set the mug down in front of him, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, setting her face in the crook of his neck. "I love you, Mykel. Don't you ever fucking do that to me again, or I'll kill you myself." He half-smiled and nodded in a barely perceptible way, his eyes slipping closed momentarily. She kissed his cheek before disengaging from his shoulders and taking her seat.To Mykel she said, "I won't be gone too long today. I
I took a shuddering breath. "Is this really a conversation you want to get into right now, Mykel?"He looked at me. "If not now, when? This isn't a conversation that you'll willingly bring up later."I looked at him for a moment, my expression softening as I looked at him. "If I need to. But right now, emotions are high. Shit is still very raw...I would rather put it off until we've both had time to process so this doesn't turn into a fight. I don't want to fight with you. Do I want to talk about this? Yes. I do. Because it really fucking hurt. Do I want to fight and scream and argue? No, I'd rather not. So if not talking about it now and having to balls up to mention it later means that that won't happen tonight...that-that we won't fight because we're both very clearly upset...then, fine, I can do that."He scoffed at
He shook his head slightly. "I tried talking to him about it...about how he feels...and he won't."Liz lit the forgotten blunt. "Of course he won't. Why would he right now? Beyond what he said as reasoning for not saying anything, he needs to process it all and come to terms with how he feels before he can talk to you about it." She paused. "You think he's the only one that's pissed off about this, Mykel? Cause, I gotta tell ya...I'm fucking livid. And I'm trying to be supportive of you and not make you feel worse about this whole shit hole of a situation, but...I don't even know anymore. I don't know what to think or what to say or how to say it. Or make things worse by saying anything. And I'm sure that's how he feels also. Mykel?""Yeah?""Don't you ever fucking do that again."
Slowly I lowered myself onto the bed, buried my face in his pillow, and, surrounded by his scent, screamed. I heard the sounds of footsteps on the stairs sometime later, but I knew they didn't belong to Mykel. They were too light. I felt Liz's hand on my shoulder and slide around my back as she sat next to me."Baby, why don't you just talk to him?" My cries came harder, my face still obfuscated by the pillow. Liz's fingers found their way into my hair. She said nothing more as she waited for me to calm down. "Mattie." Her voice was so soft as she spoke to me. So full of patience and worry it broke my heart further."I can't, Liz, I can't," I wailed, my words muffled. "I just can't.""Why not, my love?" I couldn't answer her as my cries increased and she pulled me into her. I latched my arms around her, holding on as I
"I never stopped loving you, Mykel," I told him as my throat tightened."Then what? I mean..." He sighed, his eyes pleading with me. "It hurts, Mattie." I saw his eyes begin to shine and he turned and continued walking, his head down. "I'm not going to try to make excuses for myself. What I did was stupid and it hurt you. And Liz. I just...wish you understood." He looked at me, his eyes dry again with a dullness to them I had never before seen present there."I do to some extent. But you did it in front of me. You had enough force where you could have died and..." I stopped walking and pulled my hand free. I felt his reluctance to let go. He looked at me as if he thought I'd dematerialize right before his eyes. I crossed my arms over my chest, drawing myself in tighter. "I feel betrayed, Mykel. I feel like..." I stopped as my lungs constricted behind my rib cage and tri
Since going to Mattie's birthday a few months previous, my sister and I remained in almost daily contact. I couldn't be happier about the relationship she and I were building. I had confided in her about my fears after Mykel's...stunt...and many times did she pick me up and take me to her place to calm me down. We were as close as we could be at the moment, and I was surprised at the quick acceleration of our relationship. I was sitting on her couch holding Cory, who was chewing on the tiger's eye stone that was fastened to a leather string that hung around my neck. I smiled at her as her bright blue eyes met mine. She smiled around the necklace.Mattie andDaniel were upstairs playing video games. I smiled a bit more at the sounds of the children laughing. "So how are you and Mykel doing?" Rian asked me as she handed me a fresh glass of iced tea."Not quite as tense as we have b
I watched him take a deep drag off the marijuana and hold the hit, his eyes squinted against the smoke that rolled upward along his face. He exhaled and looked at me. He looked the slightest bit calmer. His eyes had dried, though the clouds were still present."I've been battling myself that this is a means to an end," he began hoarsely. "I mean I don't want it to be. I want to fight through this together like you said. Get through it together, like you said." He paused and flicked the ash into the ashtray between us. He rocked nervously; just slightly. He made a sound of frustration deep in his throat. "Hey," I set my hands along his things and he looked at me. "Easy. Take a breath. There's no rush here. Gather your thoughts and when you're ready speak." Halfthe blunt was gone before he started speaking. I left one of my hands against
"Mykel." He turned back to her with a desperate look in his eyes. "Have you talked to him?"He shook his head. "I asked once if he was okay. He said he was. He wasn't flippant about it or anything...what if it's just in my head?""Hey, there you two are." Mattie's voice came from behind them. Mykel quickly schooled his features as Mattie came up behind them, his hand sliding up Mykel's shoulder. Mykel closed his eyes. "Everything alright?""When you asked that I knew you knew the answer. I could see it on your face," Rian told me. "So as someone who loves you both, this is my advice. I know you love him, Mattie. Let your guard down. Let him back in completely. He needs you as much as you need him and it's time to stop this." I took a shuddering breath but didn't interrupt her. Her tone was soft, caring, and full of worr
I stood, set the baby in the playpen, and followed him onto the front porch, sitting with him on the steps leading to the house. "Please don't tell my mom this, okay? Can this stay between you and me?""You can tell me anything, Mattie. I want you to be able to trust me." He smiled faintly."I know where I come from. I know what was done to her, and how and why she got pregnant with me." He looked at me, his eyes older than they should have been. Wiser with second-hand knowledge. "I overheard her talking about it with Dad once. I had gone to the bathroom and heard them through the crack in the door."They always have the door cracked open. In case one of us needs them. Anyway, I guess she had a nightmare about it. I could hear her crying as she told him.""She doe
Since going to Mattie's birthday a few months previous, my sister and I remained in almost daily contact. I couldn't be happier about the relationship she and I were building. I had confided in her about my fears after Mykel's...stunt...and many times did she pick me up and take me to her place to calm me down. We were as close as we could be at the moment, and I was surprised at the quick acceleration of our relationship. I was sitting on her couch holding Cory, who was chewing on the tiger's eye stone that was fastened to a leather string that hung around my neck. I smiled at her as her bright blue eyes met mine. She smiled around the necklace.Mattie andDaniel were upstairs playing video games. I smiled a bit more at the sounds of the children laughing. "So how are you and Mykel doing?" Rian asked me as she handed me a fresh glass of iced tea."Not quite as tense as we have b
"I never stopped loving you, Mykel," I told him as my throat tightened."Then what? I mean..." He sighed, his eyes pleading with me. "It hurts, Mattie." I saw his eyes begin to shine and he turned and continued walking, his head down. "I'm not going to try to make excuses for myself. What I did was stupid and it hurt you. And Liz. I just...wish you understood." He looked at me, his eyes dry again with a dullness to them I had never before seen present there."I do to some extent. But you did it in front of me. You had enough force where you could have died and..." I stopped walking and pulled my hand free. I felt his reluctance to let go. He looked at me as if he thought I'd dematerialize right before his eyes. I crossed my arms over my chest, drawing myself in tighter. "I feel betrayed, Mykel. I feel like..." I stopped as my lungs constricted behind my rib cage and tri
Slowly I lowered myself onto the bed, buried my face in his pillow, and, surrounded by his scent, screamed. I heard the sounds of footsteps on the stairs sometime later, but I knew they didn't belong to Mykel. They were too light. I felt Liz's hand on my shoulder and slide around my back as she sat next to me."Baby, why don't you just talk to him?" My cries came harder, my face still obfuscated by the pillow. Liz's fingers found their way into my hair. She said nothing more as she waited for me to calm down. "Mattie." Her voice was so soft as she spoke to me. So full of patience and worry it broke my heart further."I can't, Liz, I can't," I wailed, my words muffled. "I just can't.""Why not, my love?" I couldn't answer her as my cries increased and she pulled me into her. I latched my arms around her, holding on as I
He shook his head slightly. "I tried talking to him about it...about how he feels...and he won't."Liz lit the forgotten blunt. "Of course he won't. Why would he right now? Beyond what he said as reasoning for not saying anything, he needs to process it all and come to terms with how he feels before he can talk to you about it." She paused. "You think he's the only one that's pissed off about this, Mykel? Cause, I gotta tell ya...I'm fucking livid. And I'm trying to be supportive of you and not make you feel worse about this whole shit hole of a situation, but...I don't even know anymore. I don't know what to think or what to say or how to say it. Or make things worse by saying anything. And I'm sure that's how he feels also. Mykel?""Yeah?""Don't you ever fucking do that again."
I took a shuddering breath. "Is this really a conversation you want to get into right now, Mykel?"He looked at me. "If not now, when? This isn't a conversation that you'll willingly bring up later."I looked at him for a moment, my expression softening as I looked at him. "If I need to. But right now, emotions are high. Shit is still very raw...I would rather put it off until we've both had time to process so this doesn't turn into a fight. I don't want to fight with you. Do I want to talk about this? Yes. I do. Because it really fucking hurt. Do I want to fight and scream and argue? No, I'd rather not. So if not talking about it now and having to balls up to mention it later means that that won't happen tonight...that-that we won't fight because we're both very clearly upset...then, fine, I can do that."He scoffed at
She glanced up as Mykel took a seat next to her. She smiled sadly at him. I could see she was attempting to keep her composure. I knew the fear in her heart was one she hadn't quite experienced for her brother in several years. "Hey, Mykee." He smiled at her, but the smile was worn with an anxious pulling of his brows. "You want some coffee?" He nodded not speaking. I could see his throat bobbing as he swallowed impulsively, trying to keep himself from falling apart, by the look in her eyes. She set the mug down in front of him, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, setting her face in the crook of his neck. "I love you, Mykel. Don't you ever fucking do that to me again, or I'll kill you myself." He half-smiled and nodded in a barely perceptible way, his eyes slipping closed momentarily. She kissed his cheek before disengaging from his shoulders and taking her seat.To Mykel she said, "I won't be gone too long today. I