This week has been a week from hell; I dragged myself through school and work. Everything is draining; I’m putting so much effort to do things that didn’t faze me before. I thought I would be over the feeling I had on Sunday by now but I can’t seem to shake it off. I feel lost, like I don’t know who I am
I am so angry; I have all these negative emotions coursing through my body. I’m over it. I want to dispel all of it now. I feel like the anger is dragging me back.
“Hey Leo, can you please clear out the empty out the cardboard boxes in aisle 27?”Mr. Brown says to me from across a meat fridge.
“Sure.” I say and finish off packing the last of the meat trays I have in the trolley. Mr. Brown stands there looking at me, he wants to talk to me about the incident with my mother but I don’t want to. He tried to ask me about it on Monday and I told him I’m not interested in talking about her.
I can&
Zach and I sit at a park bench and watch Mina and Jon run toward a merry-go-round. I watch Mona help Jon get on and they try to move the big metal circle. And it doesn’t move, I watch her struggle with it and then she decides they should get off and go play somewhere else.I love that she’s problem solver, she doesn’t just sit there and cry.“How are you man? And please don’t say fine. Tell me what you’re feeling.” Zach says looking at me. We talk the kids to the park so they can play and run around. And I needed to get out of that house. It has become oppressive and uncomfortable.The last time I felt that way I was living with my mother in a small dirty apartment in a dingy part of town. Not to say the place I live in now is a palace but the old place was way smaller. I never felt safe there. And now that she’s been to my place, I feel like she has awakened those feelings I had as a kid.“I’m t
Zach pulls into Golden’s driveway and she comes out of her front door when he parks the car. She stops in her tracks when she sees me and the kids in the car. I look at her my heart racing, all the feeling I been shoving down in the deepest part of my soul come rushing back up. They hit me like a ton of bricks. “You didn’t tell her you were coming?” Zach asks me when he sees Golden’s face. She looks like she doesn’t know what to do. I wave at her to check if she’s alright, she looks stuck in one place. She waves back at me but her wave is so sure. Zach and I get out of the car and help Mina and Jon out of the car. She finally moves closer to the car, she has a smile for Mina and Jon, who are happy to see her. “Hey” She says when she stands next to me. “Hey” I say to her and she smiles. “I thought you weren’t coming.” She states as we walk to the front door of her house. “I had a change of heart, I hope you don’t mind.” I sa
About 2 months later “There’s something I’ve known for some time, that I have to tell you but I don’t know how to tell you.” Zach says looking back at me from the passenger side of his car. Leo is on driving duty today. I look at Zach and my heart starts racing. I hate when people start a sentence with I have to tell you something. It’s like why not just tell me and see how I react instead of setting me up for a heart attack. Now my brain is running going through all the possibilities that could go wrong. “What is it Zach?” I ask and see Leo give me a glance on the review mirror. I guess he knows what’s going on because he seems a little tense all of a sudden. “I… uh...” He says but doesn’t finish the sentence. I look at him frustrated, he’s killing me here. “Just spill it out. You’re killing me here.” I say a little louder
“Thank you for coming, I didn’t think you would show up. “ I say to Gina who’s sitting in front of me sipping nervously at her milkshake. She’s been looking back and forth from me to the door since the moment she sat down.I can tell she is praying Amara doesn’t walk through that door. She would have a lot of explaining to do if her bestie found her here with me. Although I’m pretty sure she reported to Amara the moment I sent her that invite.“I didn’t think I would be here either.” She says looking at anything but me.“I appreciate you being here. I wanted to see you so we can talk. I say looking her straight in the face. I want her to know that I’m here with the truth. I’m not here to pretend and I’m definitely not here to act like everything is okay when it’s not. There’s a war going on and I didn’t know I was being screwed from the insid
Today is a first for me. I don’t have to go to work, not because I was forced into a day off for the sake of my health and sanity. I am not on edge because I need to get an extra shift in or else I won’t have enough money t pay rent.I don’t have the kids to take care of. Mina and Jon are at their school for a fun day. They have their own thing going on today. So I am free as a bird; it’s weird.I don’t have to rush to school. Granted it’s a Saturday but my life has this constant need for urgency. And for the first time in a very long time I’m not in a rush to be or do anything.As a matter of fact I’m early and waiting for Zach to come and pick me up. Apparently Golden has invited us on a day out. I was told that she wanted a fun filled day with her best mates. I couldn’t say no for two reasons. One; we always have fun when we get together and two; I am bored out of my mind. Zach pulls up to th
2 months later; a week before midyear exams.“I’m so happy you called.” My mother says to me from across the table. I asked her to meet me at a McDonalds’ for coffee. I have been thinking a lot about the conversation that Zach and I had.I can’ help but think that he was right. Since she showed up, I am not the same. I am no longer confident in myself and my decisions. I feel like I am holding on to my old self and I am being left behind.Mina and Jon are growing more and more independent every day. They are starting to need me less and less. This morning Mina asked if they could go to school by themselves. She said that most kids in her class are doing it themselves now and she wants to try get to school without my help.I didn’t have to go to school today since exams are starting soon, so she said I should stay home and study. She’d make sure that they get to school safely. She pro
“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?”I ask Leo, who is sitting next to me in an Uber. We decided t have our first date a day before we start writing our exams. I thought it would be great to have a breather from all the studying we’ve been doing.The sun is finally out and the weather is getting warmer. We are having an early morning date because Leo has to be back home by the time the kids get home from school. It’s nice to be out this early, the sky is clear and the sun is shining just right. I don’t know how to explain it; the light hits different between 8 and 10 am. It’s not too harsh on the eyes, it’s just right.“We’re not going anywhere exciting.” He says looking at me.“No?” I ask looking out of the window to see if I can figure out where we’re going. We left the city and we are in a part that is mostly rural.Pretoria has some parts that look like t
Cole I pull into the McDonalds’ parking lot and see Golden and Leo walk out of the restaurant. My heart starts racing at the site of then holding hands. I turn off my car, sit back and watch them, seeing them like this grinds at me. Golden has this beautiful smile on her face. She’s looking at Leo like he’s the most important thing in her life. I hate that they are being so public and they look like they are having the time of their lives. Her eyes are shining. I don’t how to explain it but she has this glow about her. I watch them start to dance around the parking lot. They laugh together as they go along. They look happy and I hate it. I haven’t been letting myself admit that seeing them happy is bringing out the worst in me. Leo has the one thing I want most in life. He has her love; I don’t have to hear her say the words. I can tell she loves him. It’s written in her face, the glint in her eye