The Us Between Chaos

I stared out my window as the rain poured. I wonder why some people find peace and calmness in the rain. I hate rain because they ruin my plans, my shoes, my outfit, and I can’t see the sun. Just like men, for me, they are hindrances, and I always need to carry something to protect me when they are around. Just like the rain, I always have to carry an umbrella so that I won't get wet.

But Tycen? He’s different. I met different guys in my 19 years of existence, but this is the first time I have met someone like him. Someone who doesn't talk big, he never did try to impress me with cheesy pick-up lines or long paragraphs. He didn't try to portray himself as a perfect person; he made mistakes and never rushed things with me. He’s a puzzle, I’m not too fond of mystery, but he’s so mesmerizing, which makes me wonder if I can solve it. Sometimes I know him, but sometimes not. He reminds me of the moon. Only his little part was seen. 

Can I do this? Am I able to tell him what I felt for him when it's already clear to us that we are friends? But if I didn't say this to him, I think I'll go crazy. This is my first time falling for someone this bad! 

I picked up my phone, went through my messenger, and clicked Tycen De Verra's account. Okay, I'll do it. I'll confess.

“Hi!” I typed and deleted it.

“Hey! What are you up to?”  I typed again and deleted it. Nah, too bland. We've been talking for nine months now, but this is my first time thinking about how I will approach him.

“Yo, what's up?” And I send it. He read it right away and typed. Those three dots beside his picture makes my heart flutter. What the hell is wrong with me?

“Here, flirting with others.”

“You?” He replied. Okay. Is it a joke or what? Okay, I need to calm down first and go with the flow. Chill. I breathed in and out before replying.

“For real? Hahaha, show me an example of you trying to flirt. Wanna see how much you suck with it.” I replied.

“I can't think of anything to do besides flirting.”

“You've been playing games all day; please don't forget.” I reminded him. We were trying to give him a hint; we didn't talk for a while now. I'm also busy with my school work and in our house but still giving him time when I don't have anything to do. But how can he think I'm only talking to him whenever I want, knowing that he already knows my situation. If I only wanted to talk to him anytime, maybe I’d been talking to him 24/7.

“Busy on schoolwork,” I replied to his message.

"You?"

“LOL. That's great, then. You're studying now for real.” He replied. My left eyebrow arched.

“Hey, you sound as if I'm not serious about school!” I sat properly from lying on my bed. Well, he’s the one who convinced me to go back to school and has been checking how I am doing from time to time.

“Yes, you're not.”

“Excuse me. I'm the most hardworking in our class. It's just that I didn't have any major subjects last semester.” He reacted, haha, to my message, which made me smile. 

“Oh really? So if it's not a major subject, then it's okay not to take it seriously?”

“What the hell is wrong with you, Sydney. LMAO.” He replied. I love it when he says my name. I was about to change the topic, but he suddenly sent me a picture. I thought it was a meme because he usually drops me memes out of nowhere or his image doing stupid facial expressions or a view of the sky, which I love the most.

It's a girl. Her skin is as white as sugar, and the color of her eyes reminds me of almonds. Her hair is medium length and wavy—exactly his type. 

“That's her.”

“The one I'm flirting with right now.” My heart sank. I don't know what to say. And I don't know how I am supposed to react. Why am I suddenly numb? I don't have any right to get mad because it is clear that we are friends. What's the big deal of this Sydney? Come on. I thought.

“That's cool,”  I replied. 

“HAHAHAHA. " He replied. I just realized that I also did that to him too before. Because I was so afraid of falling for him, I kept diverting my attention to other guys. I keep talking to other guys when he's already there. Damn it!

“Well, actually, I'm already famous in LifeAfter.” it was the game he introduced to me.

“Every girl there keeps bothering me to cohabit.”  I rolled my eyes. And threw my phone on the other side of the bed. I buried my face in my favorite pillow - Winnie the Pooh. Does he never like me, like even once? Don't I seem attractive to him at all? Or is it because I keep pushing him away, and now he doesn't want me to be by his side. Maybe it's so easy to leave me, like what everyone does. I don't have to be sad about this. I already marked in my head that people come and go. I was left behind many times. This one will not hurt me badly. I consoled myself.

I sit again and pick up my phone.

“Don't forget me when you get famous.”  I joked and sent it to him, and he saw it right away and now typing.

“How I wish in real life too.”  You are loved by many people around you, Tycen. It's just that you look at them with your eyes half-closed.

“What a greedy person.”

“You'll regret that,”  I replied.

“How so?”

“I know that you know how attractive I am, and it is so hard to keep up every time.”  I joked.

“Pft. What a joke.” I don't want this all to end. I don't want us to end.

“But you know what. That girl, she's kind of taller than me.” Ouch. I stand up and walk towards my study table, throw myself on my swivel chair, and let a low growl.

“You like her?”  I asked him. Please say no. I begged.

“Of course.” Damn it.

“I thought you hate Korean?” I replied. I'm getting emotional, unnecessary but understandable. I tapped my right shoulder using my left hand and nodded. I sat properly and rested both of my hands on the table in front of me.

“I like everyone.”

“She's not pure.”

“She's half German.”  He replied. I reacted, haha, to his message, 'she's not pure.' Half German, half Shepherd?

“And she's also taking engineering, just like you.” Do I have to have a conversation with him like this? Why do I always have to listen to his stories about other girls?

“HAHAHAHA,”  I replied.

“HAHAHAHA.” he also replied.

“That's cool.”

“Why?”

“I don't know why it happened like this.”

“What?”

“HAHAHA, I no longer know. It's all up to you.”

After this, we still had the conversation going, but he was too preoccupied, and I didn't understand him. I'm trying my best to understand him though it looks like he's trying to get rid of me. So after a while, I no longer replied. 

Maybe we're just meant to meet each other as friends. But this meeting of us will always have a space in my heart. You are the only rain I don't want to go away. You made me dance in the rain.

I checked my phone and looked at our conversation. I go back to where did we start talking.

He was the first one to send a message. I smiled bitterly. I can taste the bitterness in my mouth, knowing that there is no turning back. If I won't confess now, there's no other right time. What am I scared of?

The sound of the aggressive knocking at my door made me stop from reminiscing what happened to Tycen and me three months ago. Paris looked at me with her eyes wide open and panting.

"Mom," she shouted. She puts her right hand on her left chest and puts her other hand into my door frame for support. I walked past her and ran towards mom's room. I barged in like how Paris entered my room and saw my mom lying flat on the floor, unconscious. It felt like my body moved on its own. I rushed to sit beside her and calmly call her name and tap her cheeks.

"Mom, mom, can you hear me?" I tried to stabilize my voice, making it loud and clear. Don't shake. I remind myself. No response; I heard Paris' footsteps at my back. I breathed slowly.

"Paris call G-Pops," I calmly told her without looking back. She quickly ran back to my room, and I heard a loud breaking sound. "Calm down!" I shouted but calmly. I listened to her audible sigh, and I heard that G-Pops answered the phone. I focused my attention on my unconscious mom and called her repeatedly. I checked if she had a pulse and breathing, and she was.

G-pops came, and we went to the hospital where mom was confined. I'm standing in front of Doctor Del Rosario again. I promised myself that if I would meet all the people I got to know at the hospital, I wanted to see them in different circumstances, not as my mom's guardian again. But then again, I failed to do my job correctly as a daughter for the nth time. What am I even doing for the last year? I went back to school and enjoyed myself again, thinking it was fine. That mom is okay. I thought I was doing alright; I felt I was not lacking. But why am I here again?

Why am I standing in front of Dr. Del Rosario as my mom's guardian again? Why do I see the same faces again? We promised each other to meet in a different situation, not this! Dr. Del Rosario smiled at me. I see it again, the smiles I used to see every second of a month. I hate it to death; I hate those sympathy smiles. Paris tapped my shoulder; I looked at her and pointed at the window; I looked out the window and saw mom waving.

I felt a burning sensation inside my eyes, and tears started to well up. Even my mouth starts to waver. I waved back and turned around, I looked at Paris and nodded at her, and she did the same. She began asking things Dr. Del Rosario, and I started walking towards the Social Service Office and knocked on the door. When I opened it, I saw Ma'am Maricar and Ma'am Chiha, and they were both shocked to see me. I smiled at them, different from the smile I used to wear when I saw them before.

"Sydney!" they said in unison. I slightly bowed my head and walked toward them.

"Good evening Ma'am.", I greeted them. They stand up in unison again and walk toward me. Ma'am Chiha held my hand and smiled at me, the genuine smile that warmed my frozen heart last year.

"What brings you here? Did you miss us?" Ma'am Chiha joked. I chuckled lightly and held her hand that was holding mine.

"Mom was unconscious for an hour, and I panicked; that's why we're here. But she's good now. I guess.", I whispered. Ma'am Chiha squeezed my hand. She reminds me of mom. Her smile, her jokes, and the way she talked to me.

"You did great, Syd." Ma'am Maricar patted my hair and smiled widely. "We- all the staff here at the hospital were all proud of you." I can feel the burning sensation in my eyes again, and this time my throat feels so dry that it hurts. "It's alright to cry now. You deserve a release too." I looked at Ma'am Maricar and Ma'am Chiha and hugged them both.

"Thank you.", I whispered. They gave me another twenty percent discount voucher again, and I bid goodbye and headed straight to the cashier. Luckily, I saved up money, and the bill wasn't that pricey. Ma'am Chiha and Ma'am Maricar are lifesavers! When I got back to the ER, Dr. Del Rosario was still there. He was checking something on the patient's chart. He looked up, and our eyes met.

"I already told your sister about the do's and don'ts and why she lost consciousness.", Dr. Del Rosario said. I smiled a little and nodded my head. I wonder why he's in the ER, maybe because he's my mom's doctor after all.

"Thank you, Doc.", I told him.

"Good job Sydney, you did so great!" He patted me on my right shoulder and smiled at me genuinely. "I'm done looking at your hard expression every time we crossed paths," he added. I cracked at his joke, and he laughed too. "That's right, smile. We are so proud of you. You matured a lot." I nodded. He walked past me, and I started walking toward mom's bed. G-pops is sleeping on the chair. While Paris and mom were talking and laughing a lot. I stopped walking and looked at them. I cannot go through that hell again. Please, Lord, help me, help me to be better than this. Don't take mom away from Paris. She's too young. She deserves to be with mom, and mom deserves better than this.

After getting one, I picked up my phone in my pocket and called an Uber. I sighed and smiled first before continuing to walk. Paris and mom looked at me at the same time.

"How do you feel?" I asked mom. She raised her left hand and gambled her fingers, unsure what to sign. And she decided to lift her middle finger and answered, "Good," we all laughed when she realized that she was cursing us.

"Ay!" she fixed her fingers and put a thumbs up. Paris and I nod. Paris talked to mom again.

"I'll just go check the uber, Paris wake G-pops and help mom get up.", I ordered her.

When we got home, G-pops went home immediately too. I insisted on just sleeping here for the night since it was already late, but he insisted on going home. When I came to mom's room to check on her, she was asleep. I woke her up. I was ensuring that she was safe. She opens her eyes and smiles at me.

"Good night, mom.", I whispered and kissed her forehead.

"Good night.", she replied in a sleepy voice. I silently closed the door and checked on Paris' room. She's at her table doing her assignment. I checked the time, and it was already one in the morning. I knocked lightly and got her attention. She slid her headphone on her neck and looked at me.

"What?" she asked. I leaned on the door.

"Thank you.", I whispered and slowly walked towards her. I hugged her tightly, and she hugged me too. "You better stop answering and get some sleep. I'll help you with that tomorrow.", I told her while I broke free from hugging her.

"Good night," she said.

"Good night.", I replied and kissed her forehead. When I reached my room, I slammed myself on my bed—what a long night. My eyes were so heavy, but I had to lock the doors and clean the mess we left. I stood up with resentment and picked up my phone to put the flashlight on. But then my eyes were fixed on the notifications by the messenger. Someone messaged me. It was Tycen.

I throw my phone on my bed and put both of my hands on my loud, beating heart. I slowly looked at my phone and opened it. It was indeed Tycen. I quickly turned around and put my left hand on my forehead and my right hand on my hips. Damn. Did I click anything while browsing our chat? There is no reason for him to send me a message. He already has a girlfriend! And I'm already at my fifty percent moving on stage. I don't want to go back to zero!

I picked up the phone and boldly opened the message.

"Syndie" that's exactly what his message is. He's the only one who calls me Syndie, what a rude person. I chuckled at the thought. I checked the time when he sent me the message, 6:50 p.m, and I checked what time is it now; it was 1:30 a.m. Damn.

"Hey," and I sent it. It was delivered, not just sent! Why am I panicking? God damn it. He saw it and now typing.

"It's ok. HAHAHAHA" Ok, what? I sat on my swivel chair and leaned my back on the chair, and moved it in counterclockwise.

"It's nothing. I just wanted to open up." I stopped moving, leaned on my table, and put my elbow on it. Weird, why me? I mean, we lost communication for the past three months, and you'll suddenly pop up out of nowhere wanting me to listen to you? How am I supposed to say no when I'm dying to talk to you?

"Yeah, sure. What happened?" I have a hunch but please not that; I root for your happiness. I don't want you to get hurt. You deserve to be happy.

"I liked someone, these last months" Pain. That is the only word I know right now. While I watch those three dots move, I want to stop talking to him more. But I want to listen to him the way he listens to me. This is not a sin, right?

"She's rich and intelligent. She's kinda hard to reach."

"She likes me too."

"so we kinda fling."

"but now we reach the point of toxicity."

"since she's brilliant, I decided to keep up with her."

"I studied harder, even though I always told you to work smart, but I suddenly work hard, lol."

"I got tired."

"I got things to do but still manage to give time to her."

"I don't even have time for myself." I closed the tab and closed my eyes. I slammed my back on the chair. I stared at the ceiling. That's exactly what I felt, Tycen. I followed you and lost myself. I give you my time and effort, but do you remember what you told me before? That I only talk to you whenever I want? No, if only I don't have anything else to do, I'll talk to you anytime you want. But I have a responsibility you'll never understand. I returned to my position a while ago and opened the message again. And I have four unread messages, and he's still typing.

"She even threatened me that she'll leave me."

"Since I don't give her attention."

"And she told me that she has someone new."

"Which is obviously an upfront."

"I just can't understand."

"It's tiring."

"I told her that her reason was too shallow."

"Tsh" What am I supposed to reply? I mean, it's hurting me too.

"Damn," I sent it. I want this over. I want to sleep. Damn! The door! I quickly ran towards the door and picked up the padlock on the way, and locked the gate. I also closed the front door and locked it, then swiftly put all the dishes inside the sink and covered it. After doing all that I needed, I returned to my room and sat on my chair again. I checked my phone and saw that he had replied already.

"What?"

"That's sad."

"Yeah, I know. I really like our story tho. It's beautiful."

"But it seems like we're not meant to be"

"We're both too shallow."

"She's kind, beautiful, but narrow-minded."

"Are you giving up on her?" What's the reason why I am asking him this?

"Luckily, I cut ties with her. She controls me a lot."

"Plus the family problems."

Can I change the flow of this conversation? I don't have any plans to make a move. He's in pain. And I can feel that what he felt for her was genuine and still growing.

"How are you?"

"I'm good actually, on the way to the dean's lister."

"HAHAHAHA"

"I'm bad at telling stories, sorry." I badly wanted to end the conversation. I just want to sleep; I have too much to carry on my sleep. So this is how it feels to be in love, more of to be in one-sided love. After this conversation, I'll no longer entertain his rants. I have to think about myself too.

"That's cool!"

"Yeah, but was it really like that?"

"I mean, is that how it works? Why can't she understand?" Ask yourself, Tycen. I'm also dying to know the answer.

"Maybe because she doesn’t experience what you're going through, that's why she can’t understand?"

"What a lame reason." So it's not your reason? Then what? What makes you think about it

"She told me that I treat her bad"

"When the only thing that matters to her is attention." I get it, why you're so hooked on her. You're both the same. I chuckled at the thought.

"Aww" I badly needed to end this conversation, or else there is the possibility for me to roast him.

"What about you? How are you?" he asked. I rolled my eyes.

"Except for being pretty?"

"Foul"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Well, thank you for today."

"Always. Good night!"

"Good night, Syndie."

I like the sun, and he prefers the moon. Tycen waits for the sun to sit and wait for the moon to rise. And as I watch the moon to rise it will always come with a silence that my heart can never greet with joy.

I knew from the start that at the time when I lost you, she already found you.