Chapter 3

"Yogurt, orange juice, milk…" I said happily here at the grocery store. Why I`m happy? Ang lakas kasi ng stereo nila at gusto ko rin ang kanta.

Days has passed since I last saw Zachary. Pinipilit ko siyang alisin sa isip ko kahit na mahirap. Ayoko nang masaktan at makasakit pa. Kaya hangga't maaari, iiwasan ko talaga siya.

I’m busy roving my eyes around the meat section. Someone’s cart abruptly collided with mine. Tiningnan ko kung sino at halos gusto kong magsalita ng mga masasamang words.

Tita Fely, my loving stepmom. Ano ba ito? Hinahabol yata ako ng mga tao sa nakaraan, ah!

“Kay liit naman ng mundo at nagkita pa tayo?” she looks annoyed while saying those line.

Hindi ako nakapag-salita at nakatitig lamang ako ay Tita. Bakas sa itsura nito na wala siyang problema sa buhay. Ang ganda ng aura. Iba!

“Are you mute or deaf?” she asked while smirking at me

Hindi ko siya sinagot at tinalikuran siya. Humakbang na ako paalis nang higitin niya ang braso ko.

“Kinakausap kita kaya sumagot ka” may diin na pagkakasabi ni Tita

Huminga ako ng malalim bago magsalita.

“Long time no see po” labas sa ilong na sabi ko rito.

“Good. Anyway, I thought you’re not going to survive living alone. But it looks like.."

Hindi ko na siya pinatapos sa sasabihin at kusa nang nagsalita.

“I’m still alive and kicking, Tita. I survived and still surviving” may diin na sabi ko rito

“Oh, palaban ka na ha. Akala mo kung sino porke’t nakawala ka lang sa amin. Mayabang ka na!” galit na sabi nito. May topak ata. Ano ba ikinagagalit niya?

“Before I forgot, may sasabihin ako” seryosong sabi nito

Ito na naman siya sa pa-reveal niya. Parang five years ago lang ganito rin ang tagpo ng last na pag-uusap namin.

“Ano na naman po?” tamad na tanong ko

“Any moment from now, siguradong hahanapin ka ng papa mo.”

Agad na nagliwanag ang mukha ko pagkabanggit niya tungkol kay papa. I miss him so much. Gustong-gusto kung umuwi nuon pero nahihiya ako dahil hindi ako ang totoo niyang anak.

I guess, this is the right time para makita si papa at makausap. Gusto kung makakuha ng impormasyon kung sino ang totoo kung papa.

“Bakit niyo sinasabi sa akin ito, Tita. Akala ko ayaw niyo…” hindi na niya ako pinatapos at nagsalita agad

“I just want to remind you. Kahit magpakita pa ang papa mo, huwag ka nang bumalik pa sa bahay. May trabaho ka na naman. Kaya mo nang mamuhay mag-isa at buhayin ang baby mo” she said while smirking at may diin ang pagkakasabi sa baby ko.

My body stiffened from that point forward. Ayoko mapahamak ang baby ko dahil kay Tita.

Minsan nang napahamak si baby. Hindi ako papayag na apihin niya kami ng anak ko. Lalo na ngayon na wala ako sa puder nila at mas may kaya sila.

“Wala po kayong dapat ipag-alala sa amin, Tita. Kaya po namin mabuhay nang wala kayo. Kung magkikita man kami ni papa, tungkol lang iyon sa totoo kong magulang” seryosong sabi ko kay Tita

Hindi ko na siya hinayaang magsalita. Tumalikod na ako at naglakad paalis.

Mabilis ang lakad ko palayo doon. Hindi ko alam pero parang may hindi magandang mangyayari dahil sa pagkikita namin ni Tita Fely.

Palabas na ako galing sa grocery store nang may nahagip ang mata ko. Dalawang tao na nakatayo sa harap ng chocolate stand.

Zach and Madison.

Are they together? Madison, as far as I recall, is the girl he said I shouldn't be jealous of. Teka, pake ko ba?! Bago pa nila ako makita, lumabas na ako.

“Mama, let’s sleep na po!” humihikab na sabi ni Matthew sa akin.

Katatapos lang namin kumain. Matakaw talaga ang baby kong ito. Pagkatapos kumain aantukin naman.

“Pray muna tayo, baby”

And we did. After praying, Akala ko hihiga na si Matt.

“Mama, may I ask?” nakatingala pa niya na tanong. Ang cute talaga.

“What is it, baby?” I asked while combing her hair.

“Where’s papa?” he asked while looking at me

His question just took my breath away.

I know that Matthew needs a father pero hindi ako handa na ganito pala kaaga niya iyon hahanapin.

While trying to come up with an answer, I felt a tear fall from my eyes.

“Mama, are you okay?” nag-aalala na tanong ng anak ko.

Tumango lang ako rito at pinunasan ang luha ko.

“Don’t cry, Mama. Don’t need papa na” sambit ng anak ko at yumakap sa akin.

Mas lalo ko tuloy gustong maiyak. I want to give everything to Matthew. I don’t want him to feel that he is incomplete just because he doesn't have a father.

Si Matthew na lang ang meron ako. Hangga’t nasa akin pa siya, aalagaan ko siya at mamahalin. Kung kukunin man siya sa akin. Huwag muna ngayon. Huwag muna ngayon na hindi ko pa kayang tuluyang maging mag-isa.

Humiga ako sa tabi ni Matthew at inalala ang huling pag-uusap namin ni Zach.

(Flashback)

Was it really two years since Zach and I had been together? I recall seeing him for the first time; strict in front of others, but cheerful in front of his friends.

I adore him so much that I hope to marry him one day. Yes, that is how committed I am to our relationship. Everything in our world, you see, has been perfect.

Many of our high school friends have broken up or argue all the time — Zach and I, on the other hand, are unique. We hardly ever argue because we have so much in common, and to be honest, nothing else can make my life better.

Today, however, is different.

Some things we don’t want to happen but must accept, other things we don’t want to know but must learn, and still others we can’t live without but must let go. I have to let him go.

Dinner time arrived. We watched a movie earlier, walked around the park, and are now eating at our favorite restaurant. I couldn’t take my eyes off his face the entire time. He’s having a great time on this romantic date.

“Baby,” I said to catch his attention. I avoided eye contact with him and spoke. “I need to tell you something.”

“What is it, baby? You want to add something to our food?” he sweetly said as he held my hand on the table.

I can’t help but stare at our hands. His hands, to be precise. It is a perfect fit for mine. It hurts me to think about how I won’t be able to hold it any longer.

I shook my head. “That’s just it,” I finally met his gray eyes- “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I’m bored, Zach. So very bored.” I remained silent. Waiting for his response.

“You’re bored? Okay baby, we’ll go somewhere after this” sagot niya at pinagpatuloy ang pagkain.

Unshed tears started to form in my eyes. God! Huwag mo akong pahirapan, Zach. Baby, it’s for us naman.

“Zach, pagod na ako sa relasyong ito. I felt like I’m a prisoner. Alam mo iyon? Nakakasakal. Maghiwalay...” before I could even finish my sentence he look at me.

Looking into his red eyes hurts me a lot. I can’t stand seeing him in pain so I looked away.

“Walang maghihiwalay, Camara. Kung bored ka edi gumala tayo. Kung nasasakal ka, edi hindi kita hihigpitan sa kung ano man ang gusto mo.” Mahabang sabi nito sa akin.

I can’t take this anymore. Kung magtatagal pa ang pag-uusap namin, baka hindi ko siya kayang pakawalan pa.

“Look,” I tried to explain to him, “it’s not you, Zach. Really, it’s me. I think I need to find myself, you know. I need to discover who Maria Camara really is in the world before it’s too late. I need to…”

He held up his hand for me to stop speaking. “I’m done here,” he said. “This is ridiculous and humiliating.”

“Is it something I said? Zach, why don’t you believe me when I said it’s not you, it’s me. I’m being serious.”

“That’s it!” he shouted, standing from his chair and throwing his handkerchief down.

The people next to us were staring. I didn’t mind, there were always witnesses to my misery.

 “Listen,” I spoke again, this time tears appeared in my eyes. “Please, believe me.”

“Don’t give that phony bull to me. Seriously, it’s as if I’ve forgotten who you are. After two years… You want to end our relationship after two whole, perfect years?” he exclaimed.

“Don’t say that,” I whined as full blown tears fell from my eyes.

“You are correct. I shouldn’t say that.” He crossed my arms, at tiningnan akong maigi

“Perhaps I should say that I never really knew you. You were always a figment of my imagination. Many people warned me about you, but I ignored them because I thought I was in love with you. So, I’ve realized I made a mistake. Camara, good riddance. I’m confident I can do much better.”

With that final remark, he stormed out of the restaurant, leaving me behind.

He never looked back. I completely lost it at that point.