The Quest Of a Man

"Tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes! Red red tomatoes come and buy your tomatoes!I have come with your tomatoes." There goes my everyday morning routine which I do everyday before the people in my community begin their day after I come from getting my morning orders from the market in our big busy city of Harare. Selling tomatoes like this has payed my rent,  house bills and my children's fees. It is really hard to be a man but its very much paying to be a sales man who has something to look forward to make his pocket not an empty one. "Let me get down the street with these few packs, probably they will sell." They say a sales person is a crazy person he makes conversations with himself so that he keeps motivated.

"My child I want to see come through here!"shouts a curious voice drawing my attention from my left side.. This is my luckiest day nothing bits exchange moment at all because I am left happy and so are customers, I just smile as I attend to this lady. Mai Moyo is the quiet and most feared lady in the hood. Rumours has it that she  once served in the army before she retired to stay on her early retirement pension. 

"Hevo mwanangu (how are you my child), inga you have madomasi akanaka anenge ari fresh. (You have good tomatoes they seem also to be fresh) she says these words peeping into my carriage. Unoziva hako mari yangu yandiitira shoma nhasi asi ndiri kuda kupinda mutown kunoti ndinotambira mwana wangu dangwe arikubva kuSouth Africa( You know what my money is little today ,but I  want to get into town to usher my first born who is coming today from South Africa.)"

That moment where you have two choices to make a decisive yes or no. I automatically opened my mouth and, "said haaaa don't worry mom there is always tomorrow you can take as many as you want you will pay tomorrow." As soon as I closed my mouth I regreted my words. She took four pockets, I saw loss my fellows. I waved a good bye and I was not able to talk anymore. Thoughts were digging my brains , and I was scratching my head for the unreasonable act my mouth took. My mom always warned me for being too kind . Regrets were becoming a burden to me, just like they do to most who still breathes.

I continued home ,and I just sat as usual planning on my tomorrow's selling route ,but there was nothing to think about I had to go back to get my money first to draw my plan properly. I took a few deep breaths as I thought about my behaviour in the morning. "Did I really care about my business or not?" This was a question that was keeping on coming out of my heart. I was so angry with myself, but I could not tell anyone. There was no one I could tell this even my wife because to me the possible answer was going to be that I had been reckless.

 This was betrayal to my innocent children as it meant no lunch money tomorrow. They needed something to eat , and the only option I had was  to back a pan cake which we call (chimodho)in my dialect. This was going to be a battle they would not agree I knew it, last time Shumba's children laughed at them to a point that they desired to get a transfer. A real man has to cover up pain inside and put on a smile while the mind is planning something simple to cover up for the mess.

This was my final decision. "Tomorrow no-one is going to school." I said these words with a happy face. This called for much attention in the house, I felt even the walls of the house being surprised with my words. After the beatings I gave to Taka my grade three first born when he said a few weeks ago that he no longer wanted to go to school , but rather be a gardener.

 I had to explain myself to the reason behind my decision. "Dad tomorrow has no money, but he will have it tomorrow my children." They frowned and went to play , but a few minutes later they came back smiling and told me  not worry since teachers were striking. It was like my little daughter was seeing my invisible tears as she came , sat on my lap and started to rub my cheeks as one  removing tears off my face. I smiled and noticed a bit of an irresponsible father in me , I could have made it easier for myself by knowing the state of my children's school life.

We had that day's evening meal, pap and chicken deeped in a bowl of red tomato soup. We ate and retired in the haven of thoughts that's my room. It was hot there since it was in the middle of November ,and  the vibration of mosquitoes aided to the stress on my head as I was trying to put things together like a man should do. I sat there in my small room then I started to count my money. This was supposed to be the first thing to do before I spent off my day , and surprisingly my money was unbelievably enough to make a good order tomorrow. 

I slapped mysel, I jumped screaming which woke up my wife and I pretended to be making a prayer so that she won't ask a lot of questions. I was so happy and excited, I quickly forgot about my preassumed loss. I then started to focus on my business. I got to the small table in my room to have a look into my pastor's book I had been given as a parting gift when he left us for South African branch, though he was selling them he offered it to me free of charge. Although it was given for free I struggled with laziness to open it. The title of the book was an interesting to me which gave me a knack to finally open it,  "The gold sack of life." was the title of the book.,  it was  a sermon he had preached to us the past year before he  left us for South Africa. I had heard that he was really having a great life there. This man is my icon considering  how God raised him. A few would really agree in the blessing of the Lord, but most would agree and say that he was using what they call juju or black magic.

You know prettiest of life is in perseverance of belief.How you believe determines how you live. There is no religion that has no results that's why the African Tradition has brought rains through what they call rain making ceremonies. African Tradition is not in my support but all I am just saying is that it works because they apply faith in what they do. I was so taken away in thoughts that I forgot I had to sleep. I went on just sitting like that not even reading my book , but just staring at the roof of the house. I had many thoughts about my Pastor, the way he preached and explained how faith could make everything possible for us as Christians. 

I was shocked hearing my neighbour's cock crow , meaning that is was now three  o'clock. I made a little prayer for the blessing of my business then I went to bed to snuggle myself with the blankets so that I would wake up fresh in an hour time. I was about to dream when my alarm shook me. My wife woke me up, she really was still sleepy but managed to wake me up. I went to work everyday because of my wife's waking hands and responsiveness to alarm which I was always dead to hear. 

Thoughts were really wearing me off I was getting thin day by day and losing weight was now my worry. Is it that my wife cheated me and got infected with some disease ? was one of the worry I had. I ate up myself to a point I blamed it all on my parents as if they were the cause of my pain. I could not really find my enemy in all this thinking, even myself I was becoming my own enemy.

Thoughts were just exchanging in my head, I really felt the need for medical attention before I lost my mind. It seemed to me that I was over thinking ,  I gave my mind to other fresh thoughts of what really is being a man. In my reasoning I found out that it is all centered on an achievement that a man can achieve and can have. Fathers are born out of a male that has chose to be a man. 

The reality of life is that it's actually a struggle to become real when you don't have reality in you. One wise man once said man are workers and man are providers, in addition I would say real man are the ones who have achieved salvation. Look at this there is no manly figure that can surpass what Jesus Christ did on the cross  ,and there is no man who has achieved the reward that Jesus Christ attained. Being a man is knowing the real man who has an achievement and learn from Him.

Being a Christian has taught me a few principles to real man-ship. Christ loved us that's the first principle to real manship. He lived a principled life that was supposedly supported by one goal to get the human Spirit. Love is what won the battle over all the evil in the world. What you love nommater what you will not give up on it. Look at this and if it is not really working it is a sign you have lost focus. I have seen men who have gotten car engines finally fixed, not because they found it  easy to have the breaking point , but they fought until they had the car engine fixed.

What you love you won't give up on it until it gets fixed. You stay geared up ,awake and watching over it that it won't just die in your watch. That's  what a real man does, they are fighters to their last breath like Jesus who loved to a point that He let His ghost out. If realness was in most of us most of the broken homes would be the strongest empires in the world. A weakness of a person who is stubborn is that he will condemn wisdom when he sees it. At one point there was a guy who was married to his lady, suddenly problems suddenly rose up in her marriage. The same person whom he called darling a few months before their divorce became an enemy because he failed to love until she was perfected in her flaws .

One thing that love does is what fixers do. They have solution providing spirit rather than having a problem searching mentality. The moment you look at a problem and you take it into mind you lose love over what is to be fixed. Is it education that gives you a headache ? Well sometimes the best that you need is to fall in love with it and start to find solution to your problems. Seek a solution for your problem and then you will solve it. Falling out of school has made so many people to regret over their lack. If a channel loses signal you don't throw the television away , but you seek were the problem is located until you are able to watch your programme  again.

A law student on training to become a lawyer , and one strength of a lawyer is to read volumes of books in trying to see case studies of the similar situations that he is likely to defend in order to make sure they get someone in or out of jail. Hence you can be a master of something after you go into school for it. Learning is in different ways not only in formally registering for a school  , but also privately learning and studying about the particular area. Jesus Christ said "I do what I see my Father doing". Meaning His defense was wisdom seeked from the Father. Where you get your principles of life will define the nature of a man you will become and that you are .

Love is a key to being a man. Loving yourself will ideally mean that you can love anyone else who is external of you. I believe that a person who cares for self has an ability of caring for the next person as well . The reason that you understand why you can't just let yourself go without a coke or any kind of drink will definitely mean that you can share with an extra person. Good fathers are good man , they understand where they are coming from  and will work for their children not to take the same path of life as they took in their process of life. Desperation is a process but what kind are you desiring your own to walk in?

I continued the calling after a few houses then I noticed I was at the gate of my money owing lady. I tried my best not to be rude, you know those instincts of a man who has been borrowed but is not expecting a no. So I continued calling out my orders until I was facing the gate. She came out smiling and said jokingly aya akapera meaning ndipowo chimwe chikwereti ( those ones they are finished borrow me again). I gave her a haze look , she quickly said she was joking and gave me back me my money surprisingly it was triple to  what she took ,she said as she looked at me gratefully "you have a good heart young man keep it up."

My heart was rendered I felt like crying , I looked at her and I asked if I could just speak with her inside her premises. Her countenance fell quickly, she looked so worried. As soon as we found benches to sit on she said worriedly, "is everything okay my son, did I offend you in any way." I just had tears falling on my face and asked her a question why she did this act of kindness to me. "You were so so kind to me yesterday, people here they think I'm arrogant , but you chose to do otherwise." That was her reply and she continued to say, "keep your good heart there are good things ahead of your life , don't forget to always pass here and there when you feel I need tomatoes."

I said my good byes with much thoughts in my heard. I wanted to shout at her before she even came not knowing that she was holding my miracle in her hands. Money is a need it's actually a necessity to life and as humans we totally depend on it. I managed to cancel the worries with the simple self advise that God knows the hair on my head and He does  provide for my every need. I made my morning sells and I was constantly checking my pockets in case that lady's money swallows mine

Life's meaning always shifts as a man seeks a refocus. When one idea is not working shift your thinking to a different one.

My daily routine now in order to cancel stress was  to just read books on business and  Christian literature. I searched for wisdom like a hungry man. I told myself that what if Solomon's wisdom came as a result of studying. I really did carry out much study. Paul says to Timothy

                     

2 Timothy 2:15 Study to show thyself a workman not to be ashamed.

That's what I started to do day and night. I read on Angels, Holy Spirit, marriage, salvation, forex trade and business in general. I did this for weeks that my mind was now in volume of much literature.

Still I felt so bad that in all those weeks I really felt the need for me to read my Pastor's book which I was failing to do , the far I got was to randomly look at it without any attention which it required . Since the day he gave me I had  never gotten a chance to read the gold sack of life. I felt so bad, since it was a gift that he had given me and said I would not buy it as others , my only payment was reading this book. "May be the answers to my life's sediments was in the little volumes of this book " I motivated myself with this thought . I took my time to pray that I may get in line with the wisdom that was written in this book. 

The first page made me realise that my Pastor was really a man with the voice to my life. Though as I said earliers that I was having a good income out of this business there was that part of me that was really feeling the need to do something much more greater . No wonder there was that push to read on business literature , I wanted to grow into a man of substance and love my dreams. Imagine having prophecies that claim that you are supposed to be driving by now yet there is nothing that is moving.

I was in a deep mess I could not even really dress myself as I saw in my imgination ,my very best were those Dubai clothes, I also got dressed from the bales and a few flea market Chinese wear. I was really feeling the weight of it on me. My life deserved better even my family deserved something that was much better. My desire was that my children would say that we had it all when they they were growing up, to say the story of their life without any shame . The burden was heavy I really needed help  from man as agents , but God as the ultimate source.

I took my time to count my money before my study for the day. It was surely an amusing terrain for me, specifically the counting of figures. I only returned home with the spoiled tomatoes today. Iam home alone . I'm sure mai Taka has gone for mid morning prayer with other women from church to the mountains. The initiative of my former pastor's wife in seek of the manifestation of the gold in the gold sack of life. 

They prayed every Tuesday and some of the women had given up, but mai Taka always said "I feel it's like I'm almost there". Since last year. I was now feeling pity for her, that I almost had to stop her but I did not want to kill hope that was in her which also was what I wanted for me to keep on going. In as much they were praying they had a great time to encourage each other on phone in their W******p group.

The most rewarding moment is in perseverance, but the most agonising time is waiting. You don't know when but you still keep hope because that's the rule of waiting. I kept the faith and did not fight it because one needs to outgrow pain for him to win. You can not win over what is above you. Lest you see keep on seeking. The kings are the ones who have seen the depth of life's victory. When you win then you have a story to tell, it was not easy but very difficult for me. "I fought for me to be here," only the successful can say such because someone is willing to listen to them.

I made sure I put the money together in one place that was safe until my wife and kids came back home then we see the goodness of God together. I seeked wisdom again now it was a continuation of the gold sack of life book. I was having a verbose time in the literature filled book I read it and was done in an hour thirty minutes time. It was a moment of rest and time track was lost I felt cheated. The captivation was just beyond my wildest thoughts.

Now I understood the meaning of the gold sack of life. It was not something that was not scriptural , and it was very relevant to my life. The beauty of understanding something is that it opens your eyes to having something that is tangible called faith. You can not have faith in something that you do not believe. Faith can be built by a belief, of which for one to believe understanding is the prerequisite. My mind started to peel off as the onion peels off, ignorance started to be removed as my mind started to understand some concepts that were being reached out to my life. My Pastor was communicating to my life all along but I was not aware at all.

Taka and Thelma comes back home, smartly dressed as usual. They are a bit early than usual meaning the strike is on , that was what  my inner instinct judging on what they told me yesterday. I asked them why they came early after we had exchanged some warm greetings, funny enough there was a new development at school. The teachers chose to make it a half day so that they could have a meeting on the way forward for proper catch up lessons on the time wasted. Sure predijuce is like a mad man who is in a world of none existence, an interpreter of what he does not know. Not everything is as obvious as it seems.

I just laughed and started to play with my kids in the house waiting for the lady of the house. It was one of our major events after school trying to create a rapo between father and children. The best way to get the heart of the little ones is to put them in your heart. If you do not then you will not get their attention when they are grown. We lavishly played together. Indeed making the house dirt. Amai Taka came in the gate and yet the house was upside down and behind was a crew of women. The children and myself made a quick cleaning and made sure everything is in its position, but not perfectly the way each was right if mai Taka had done the cleaning.

One thing a man can do is to live or to regret, you regret the current and all that could have happened in the past. God's blessing is always present , but a few people are ready to get into the blessing. The pool is always stirred up for everyone who is willing and has eyes to see the stirring. There are many moments the waters were stired for me ,but I was not  ready to dive in. Now that is when I'm starting to realise that I missed it when it could have been mine , many turns turned until someone jumped in or they just vanished off.

The parting with friends was the most painful thought I had. Not because of death or departure ,but difference in status made all this happen . What was it that brought this difference in status between us? Some wanted to live that kind of life hence they went on with blood in hands and myself I was so scared. Yet some really worked hard in silence in the night while we slept and in the day they would be sitting with us in the corners of desires. I'm so angry at myself with my big mouth. It hurts in that moment when you can just see your idea giving someone lots of money. I was a strategists that made the way easy for others who had the boldness and the daring character. I had tears that only interpreted my desire to make it. I wanted the door to just keep on glimmering in more light. "God is good" was that new word on my mouth as well as " It's a new day dawning". The difficult part was that I was keeping all this to myself. Who could listen to a me in a day of hearing, I did not want to waste anyone's attention. I had always wanted to hear the voice of God and speak but now it was that moment which needed me to be sure in order to implement first so that people would learn from what is done than what is said.

Then after the cleaning in their presence , kids run to the door to get some hugs and kisses from their mother. That moment when I had to do my best to put myself together and behave as a married husband would behave. Many thoughts and speaking to myself was literary taking away the better of me. So I looked at my wife I saw that fine girl I found just a few years ago, a lady that sacrificed all of herself to a me who had nothing but a sweet tongue. Oh God how can I make this lady the best queen ever. My desire was just to make her life better, bring her hopes into the real world and at least we would have something different to talk about. I kept on looking at her as she was clearing mucus from our little girl's nose in the presence of her fellow women who said their farewells after greeting me as they claimed to be on a hurry , but I suspected that they were giving us time as a family and did not want to interupt the good moment they found me having with my kids. It was just good to have these three people in my life they kept me going, their existence was an encouragement for me.

All new things they come with a price tag it's either you have to quit or endure the pain.

Life was really taking shape I don't want to lie. My new ordeal was really opening up a promising future. You know a person with literature and  is able to apply it to his life is just a golden vessel. I was really getting excited to become the best version of me that would really be on the spot light of making it. The joy of a thirst man whonis walking in a forest and he hears a stream pouring heavily in a river. That is the joy that came to me and filled my heart. I was feeling fulfilled little by little as I patiently took my journey of educating the myself and it was paying.

When they say settle your past they really mean something. To me to settle the past was a statement that meant nothing until I saw the greater pain. My business was actually booming I was now thinking of opening a tuckshop that was going to aid to our success , but surprising my first born was so sick that death smelt at our doors. He got admitted and was put in the Intense Care Unit. The cost of the sickness was equivalent to my savings only living my wallet and box at home. He was diagnosed with low blood in his veins and there was need for an immediate donor for their reserves lacked his blood group.

This was really a heart rendering moment they tried to call a few listed donors who they knew some numbers were on voicemail and those which went through it's either the person had just donated for someone else or that they had gone to stay in South Africa. I got in a moment of despair , man are strong on tears but on this one I cried my boy like he was dead. The only option now left was just one to try my blood. Remember I was fearing that my thinness was because of my wife I suspected of cheating me at some point. Now the mind was asking "what if actually your wife got you infected you are also dying ?"

I took time denying to get tested asking the doctor if we could not make contacts with the sister hospitals of the General hospital we were at. Yet he insisted that it was myself who was now their last chance. The other thought that came was like "what if this child is not mine obvious the blood group would  not match ?" So I was having these problem from my past and I wanted to bring them along into my successes. This is one problem why we cannot be successful, it's easy for a rich man to pull out a gun for revenge or just to find another wife to marry. Sometimes poverty has actually kept some homes alive.

I looked at my wife twice as I paced my foot into the ward. I wanted just to say a few warning words before I saw a taboo in my blood. I was shut by the doctor who rushed me in with a warning that delaying was going kill my boy. I was tested and results came out, I was gotten on my face with so much shock that left my heart in fullness. I almost ran just to kneel before my wife , and just say that I was really sorry. Each time I tell my story the most women they say if I was your wife and you did that it was going to be over, but I'm thankful to God for HIS gift my wife. It was in that moment that the pint of blood was taken from my body for my boy.