Chapter 1

Caroline

*****

Tiny red lights glowed under the burning pile of logs. They kinda looked like small stars exploding in slow motion. Or maybe that was the bud talking.

I blinked as someone jostled me in the shoulder.

"Here."

Sighing, I turned my head to Freya holding out a brown glass bottle towards me. I grabbed it and flashed her a small smile.

"Hanging in there, kiddo?" she asked.

"Mhmm." I nodded and brought the bottle to my lips, dipping my head back.

The cold, wheaty liquid slid over my tongue and down my throat. It burned in the pit of my empty stomach and I imagined the tiny red stars exploding inside my organs.

"Yeah." She dropped onto the Adirondack chair beside me and kicked her bare feet up onto the stone pit.

I leaned back and moved to drop my own feet up but suddenly spotted the gleam from my glossy black heels. My throat tightened. When I tried to swallow, it felt like a rock was lodged in my esophagus. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt something drip onto my hands where the pale knuckles were pulled tight around the bottle.

"Have any good memories?" Freya asked.

A sad chuckle escaped me. "Not really. Isn't that fucked?"

Her lips pursed, eyes flickering to the dancing flames. "I remember the first time I met old

 Uncle James. He shook my hand and it felt like a fish. I thought he was a total creep."

We both laughed, but mine sounded shallow and raspy.

"Old bastard." Freya smiled.

Rubbing the bottle between my hands, I blew out a breath and sat up. The motion burned on my chest like wind blowing through a bullet hole. I felt raw and exposed. My eyes were burning again as I thought about things.

"Hey, Caroline?"

I brought the bottle to my lips and gulped down a few more swigs of beer. Her warm hand clamped onto my shoulder. She remained silent until I dragged my gaze up to hers. They were completely different from mine. Hers were a reddish-color, complimenting the dewy light brown complexion of her cheeks. I'd always thought Freya was beautiful. Kids at school never believed that we were related, though that was probably because she was gorgeous and I was a short little ogre.

"You can stay as long as you want," she said. "I mean that, okay? I know we haven't seen each other in a long time—I've been a shit cousin. I should've come around more. But, you know, I was a kid too. I'm not in the best place with my folks."

I didn't know the details but Uncle James kept me mostly updated with family ordeals. He and Aunt Ella were the youngest of the Wilders. I remembered how often they used to talk on the phone and visit. Then, one day, I realized it had been weeks since we saw my cousin and her parents. Aunt Ella got caught having an affair with her boss and Uncle Sam came out with a narcotic addiction. They divorced and left Northampton. It had been years since I'd seen them or Freya. James told me recently that she had gotten her own place and was starting her own life. I didn't know then that my distant cousin would soon become my guardian.

God, this fucking sucked. How could I possibly miss that mean asshole?

"Thank you," I murmured.

"Come inside," she said, rising to her feet. "Your beer is getting warm and I'm gonna order some takeout. We can get a movie or something."

I nodded. She released her grip on my shoulder and turned away, starting back towards the house. I tossed the rest of the beer down my throat and forced myself. Rubbing my cheeks with the back of my arm, I gathered myself and headed back inside. Freya was standing in the kitchen when I entered the house. I towed off my heels with a relieved sigh.

"—please. Oh, and an extra container of yum-yum sauce. Yep. Thanks." She removed the phone from her ear and placed it on the island. Turning to me, she smiled brightly. "I hope you like teriyaki?"

I mustered a smile and nodded.

"This place is the bomb. It's literally my favorite restaurant," she continued. She cleared her throat and tucked some of her kinky black curls. "Also, I hope you don't mind but . . . I invited Valentina over."

I had no idea who Valentina was but I smiled again. "Of course I don't mind. I'm just grateful to be here. Thanks Freya."

She winked. "Alright. Go change into something comfortable and the food should be here in no time."

As I walked towards the guest room she'd arranged, I heard her call after me.

"And what do you wanna watch!"

"Uh, SpongeBob?"

She laughed. "You little weirdo."

Once I was alone again, the fleeting smile fell. I fumbled with the zipper on my dress until the material loosened. I dropped it to the floor in a black puddle of silk and stepped over to my suitcase. After digging out a pair of baggy sweatpants and a fuzzy flannel, I tied my straightened hair into a bun. I stepped into the bathroom to scrub the makeup from my face, something Uncle James would have scoffed at. He always said makeup made me look like a whore.

I palmed some moisturizer onto my cheeks and applied some chapstick. My eyes were streaked. I looked baked out of my mind. I wished I felt that way. My thoughts seemed even more sober now, like that was possible after puffing through an entire blunt on my own.

When I shuffled out to the living room, a wave of darkness slammed into me. I halted at the sight of Freya stretched out on the couch, her long tan legs tangled with another girl. They both glanced up at me from their phones. I could tell from their blank faces that they'd just finished smoking. The girl was dressed in a highlighter yellow hoodie and black leggings, her hair twisted up in a bun. Her gaze slowly dragged over me.

"Hey." Freya smiled. "Caroline, this is Valentina. Valentina, this is my baby cousin."

Valentina flashed me a closed-lipped smile. "Nice to meet you. And sorry for your loss. That . . . really sucks."

My throat tightened again so I just nodded and walked over to the recliner chair. It smelled like cat and cigarettes.

I noticed one of my favorite SpongeBob episodes was playing so I quickly became entranced in the scene. After some time, Valentina got up and volunteered to grab us a few beers. The doorbell rang and Freya groaned.

"Caroline, could you get that?" she pleaded. "It's already paid for. I'm just so comfortable."

Chuckling, I nodded and got up. I answered the door and took the white bags from the deliverer.

"Thanks," I mumbled without meeting their eyes. "Have a good night."

"You, too."

I kicked the door shut with my foot and carried the bags into the kitchen. They were heavy as hell. Freya must've ordered the whole menu. That sounded amazing, actually.

"Thank God," Valentina said as she came over. "I'm so fucking hungry."

We unpacked the bags and opened the containers. Our hands brushed a few times. I reeled back each time but hers lingered in the air. I ignored it despite the slippery sense of unease I felt each time. I quickly piled up two plates and hurried back out to the living room.

"Are you feeding the whole town?" I teased Freya, giving her the plate.

She grinned. "It's me. I am the whole town."

I must have hid my distress well because she didn't seem to notice anything was off. Valentina joined us and I curled up on the recliner, folding my legs under me.

After a few more episodes, I could barely hold my eyes open. I gathered everyone's plates and excused myself to the kitchen. I scrubbed the dishes and placed them on the drying rack before boxing the leftovers and putting them in the fridge. As I walked between the kitchen and the bedroom, I heard a breathy moan from the living room that made me halt.

"Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. Fuck."

I blushed hotly and scurried off to my room. Did they not realize I could hear them? I grabbed my toiletries and hurried across the hall to the bathroom. The shower just barely concealed their noises at full crank and I jumped in before the water even heated, hoping to drown my ears.

I took my time with everything. Once I finished rinsing the conditioner from my hair, I shut off the water and stepped out. The towel was coarse and small but it mostly worked. I patted myself dry and then wrapped my hair in it. After I rubbed lotion over my face and body and shoved my glasses back on, I turned to grab my sweats from the toilet seat. It was only then that I felt the heat of someone's gaze. I turned towards the door and discovered it was cracked. A pair of eyes met mine before Valentina's bright pink hoodie disappeared into Freya's room.

My entire body flushed. I quickly grabbed the door knob and yanked the door shut. Tears burned in my eyes as I turned away, burying my face in my hands. I sobbed quietly for a moment. The hope I'd momentarily felt at being free of Uncle James slammed shut like a tomb sealing. He might have never touched or looked at me any way other than fatherly, but his abuse was just of another kind. He'd taught me to hide my tears. To throw on a mask. To take what was given to me and be grateful, regardless of the cost.

I knew it wasn't right. I knew most girls my age hadn't lived through half of what I had. But this was how I coped. This was how I survived. Avoidance was my only tool.

I took a deep breath to settle my fraying nerves. Maybe Valentina was temporary. Maybe she'd be gone tomorrow and I'd never have to see her again. And if she wasn't, well, I was eighteen now and could get a job as soon as I graduated. I could move out and leave the only person left in my family willing to acknowledge my presence. It seemed no one in this fucking family could make decent choices.

Wiping my face, I tugged on my pajamas and made a dash for my bedroom. I noticed immediately that the lock was broken on the bedroom door. Of course. I grabbed a chair from the desk in the corner and wedged it under the knob. Valentina was probably harmless but I didn't want to take any chances.

I lay in bed for a few hours and scrolled on my phone. Everyone else seemed so happy on socials. Like their lives were finally falling into place. They were getting into their dream university, falling in love, getting jobs, buying houses, having babies. My chest ached. I thought Uncle James was my second chance at life. After my parents passed, I was completely alone. He was the only one who would take me in, since his wife had died of cancer years prior and he was childless. He could afford to care for me. Freya's parents didn't even want her, so they definitely wouldn't take me in.

Now, I didn't even have James to watch over me. I was entering adulthood as a true orphan. No one to help me pay for college. No one comes home during the holidays. I'd hoped Freya had her shit together but I was quickly realizing that she had her own demons to battle. I put my phone aside and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Say a little prayer every night," my mother would say, her hands wrapped around my tiny fingers. "God listens. Even when you think he doesn't."

I didn't know if God existed. I didn't know if there was any superior being out there. Even if something or someone did, I doubted they were listening to me.

But I didn't know what else to do. 

I whispered in the tiniest of voices: "Help me. Please."

And drifted off.