Knowing him.

“Hello, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know anyone was there. Are you okay?” He says, trying to check me gently all over for injuries or anything. And even in the dim lighting, I can see his soft smile.

He’s probably laughing at the stupid girl who’s been looking at him as if she could swallow him all in one piece. All of a sudden, my bitchiness reappears. I’m angry because of everything and nothing at the same time. “I am okay. Thank you,” I say as I snatch my arms from his hand angrily.

“Maybe next time, you should watch where you’re going very carefully though.” I turn to leave, happy that I was able to find my stupid voice to at least has said something.

“Alright. I’m sorry again. I was so distracted. Please, let me buy you a drink,” I try to look at him more carefully but he only smiles more and says, “Please? Just take me to your table. I’d buy just one drink. I feel really bad, please?”

And I could say that’s what did it. Well, not just the gesture but the stupid dog grin also did it. And I don’t even like dogs. But I tell myself ‘what harm could it be?’ So I simply point to the seat right at our front, and say, “Here’s my seat, Mr I was about to take my seat before you shoved me. But it’s alright, you’ve apologized. Everybody is okay; after one drink though, you can take your seat back.”

That was all I said, just one drink. But my God, interesting and beautiful conversations are the best, right? Even when Jose was coming back and she met my eyes, she gave me a wise grin, mouthed something like I must shag this one or something, and ran off to dance, leaving me with the mighty-fine-looking stranger.

As much as I love Jose, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. So many men, or so many people never even have the time for honest conversations. And, surprisingly, I met someone who has more than that at a bar. We seamlessly switch from topic to topic all night, and I swear I laugh more than I have in a very long time. Probably forever.

There’s one thing though, I don’t know his name, and he doesn’t know mine. For a reason, that’s funny. Because we’ve talked about everything or almost everything. I know that he has two sisters and just his mother and that he loves them wholeheartedly, no matter how much they frustrate him. I know about Lucas, his best friend, who mistakenly ate dog shit one night when they were drunk. I know that he’s terrified of cats and has a big dog named Luke. I told him so many random things about myself as well. But neither of us has asked for our names, where we live, or our numbers.

All at once, we both stop laughing at one silly thing he said, and simultaneously, we stare at each other, as though it’s the first time we’ve seen all night. I completely lost sight of Jose, though she did text me to meet me later, and that I should have the fun of my life with “Mr Hunk”. Only God knows where she got that. 

When I finally find my voice again, I say exactly what is on my mind. Life’s too short to pretend otherwise. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“If what you’re thinking is that we go upstairs, or somewhere better and fuck both our brains out, then I’d very much like that. But if not, we could skip that and continue this great conversation we’ve been having.” I smile as I stand and take his hand, conveying my answer to him without words. I sure didn’t expect him to use such crude language but I love it, I wouldn’t even lie to myself.

On the way up, I try to put on my big girl pants and not run away, because I havee never done this before. Sure, I lived with girls in school and most times they'd come back home in the morning waking the "walk of shame," yet, I'd never done it. Never considered it in fact. It was just a scary prospect all together. 

All my life, and I don't think because of what happened to me, I've always considered sex a sacred thing. Mind you, I'm not so holy. But the mere idea of being with someone that intimately, it scares me. 

Mixing body fluids and what not, baring our hearts to each other, the whole prospect just scares me. And I am about to do it with someone. Thing is, I am not been about to back out. Life is too short not to do things you never thought you'd do. So I indeed put on my big girl pants and get ready for the next stage.