THE HANDSOME MEDICAL DOCTOR: CHAPTER THREE

It is her tears that keep her soul alive in the furnace of this pain she bears knowingly. Nobody can extinguish what has been, yet only carry her forward until a time comes when that searing pain is distant enough to forget more than remember, and maybe one day erase itself from her brain. 

So perhaps it may be an oddity to thank her tears and be proud to cry, yet if that's what saves her from becoming a monster she never wanted to be, a person indifferent to suffering and sorrow, then crying is the only thing she felt like doing at that moment.

Susanna walked down the hospital hallway with quickened steps, her little girl still on her hips as she tried to control the tears that were a product of the pain she had housed for seven years,  tears that her body and mind were accustomed with for the past seven years.

She couldn't believe the demon behind her suffering is back. She could not believe the one responsible for the pain and torture she had been in for seven years had come back. He had come back and now her life has become even more complicated.

It never was better, it was always complicated. Who does he think he is? Leaving without a word and ruining her life and later on surfacing back into her life just like that?

To hell with him.

At first it was a thing of joy to see her little girl with her father, happiness was in the moment, the more focused the more intense, like a beam of light to the soul. And just as with well focused light, it is then she found a little better resolution. They were very beautiful together, the resemblance very much evident. She always knew Hannah had her father's features, and it brought back old memories.

Memories that have always been with her since she had met him, since she had fallen in love with him. Since she gave him a chance to her heart but instead, broke it in two.

"Momma" Hannah called, jilting her from her hurtful thoughts into reality, giving all her attention to her baby

"What is it baby?" She asked, her eyes on Hannah.

"Why is momma crying?" She asked innocently, her innocent eyes portraying both confusion and worry.

"Momma is fine, she just has something stuck in her eyes. It is really nothing. Now lets go get your drugs from the pharmacy" She had said but stopped on hearing her name.

"Susanna"

Turning towards the direction at which she had heard her name, she met Susanne's gaze.

Their friendship is the soft colours of nature, the delicate browns and the sky that deeps to show clearly the stars, it is an earthiness that lasts a lifetime.

They are really good friends and the only friend Susanna has that she could try and share her problems with. To Susanna, Susanne is a friend who believe in her, she believes in any wind or in the face of any rumour. Susanne always looks out for her and helps her in every sort of way possible.

She is the only one who make the cradle for her soul, the very fabric that keeps her warm. And so if it possible, she could thank the universe and every star above a million times that she had a friend like her, that their life paths are woven so intricately.

 She also has this love for Hannah and always wanted to take care of her.

"How are you Susanna?"

"I am fine, how are you?"

"I am fine Susanna. Aren't you supposed to be at work? And what are you doing here with Hannah? Are you sick?"

"One question at a time Susanne, i am fine. Hannah has a fever and i brought her here so she could see the doctor. What are you doing here?"

"Well i came to give Ben his lunch which he usually forgets. I will take care of Hannah since she is not well. Why don't you go to work?"

"But i need to take care of Hannah. She is not well and i still have to get her drugs"

"I will take care of her and i will also get the needed drugs. You just do not have to worry about Hannah. Now hurry along now and be on time, you must be late and you know exactly what that boss lady will do to you if you do not make it in time" Susanne said as she took Hannah from her mother's arms and smiled at her.

"You know, i rather deal with her than you. You are a boss lady yourself and a very skilled one at that"

"I must say, thank you for the compliment" Susanne said as she smiled widely.

"Alright. Thanks for looking after Hannah for me. I do not know how i will have managed today if not you coming to my rescue"

"You are always welcome dear, anything to ease your burden. You really have a lot of thoughts on that little head of yours and i want to try minimise it. You can come pick her at my place later today. Say bye to mummy Hannah"

"Bye momma" Hannah meekly waved at her mother who waved her back in return. With that, her mother walked out of the hospital and into the streets.

"Now let us get your medications for you Hannah. You really do have a fever" Susanne said as she carried Hannah, making her way towards the Pharmacy.

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Mike shakes his head, thoughts running wild as he became even more confused. The reason for the confusion still seemed unknown as he tried to mentally pound it down again and again, but his thoughts will not dislodge themselves. 

He was thinking of her.

He has been thinking of her.

And she housing his thoughts will make them lead him to raw insanity, making him into a monster he just does not want to turn to. But yet he still leaves them deep inside his mind, close to his heart it seemed to take refuge. He really wanted to get rid of these uncontrollable thoughts but he also wants to keep them tucked deep inside, out if anyone's reach. They confuse and make him nervous, but yet they are his abditory now. They are my worst enemies, yet at the same time, his closest friends.

He was driving his car home with his brother at the passenger seat. They had just closed from the hospital. It was all silent in the car as Mike still fought hard on with his confusing thoughts.

He couldn't get rid of the thoughts of Susanna. She looked so beautiful today with the child in her arms. He still remembered her eyes, her eyes were the ocean, so full of life yet so uncertain. The blue-green hue carried her emotional currents, and before he could breathe after taking in in her beautiful eyes, he was drown. But her eyes housed pain and immense sorrow. He was really serious when he had made up his mind to make amends to everyone, especially her. he wanted to make amends.

He didn't know why but he wanted to see her smile. Remembering the child he carried in his arms which belonged to her, he could not still take in the face that she was married, truth be told he fell somehow at the main thought of her being married. He just felt......jealous.

"What are you thinking that had you spaced out?" Ben, noticing his brother to be in a far away land with his thoughts asked.

"Can you tell me everything you know about Susanna?" Mike asked as he took a left turn, his eyes not leaving the road.

"My wife?"

"No, not Susanne, Susanna Brownwell"

"Oh! Susanna Brownwell! She is one of my patients. What do you want toknow about her Mike? Is there a problem?" He asked as he looked at Mike who sighed.

"Nothing really brother. I just want to know more about Susanna"

"But i remember vividly that Susanna was one of the girls you had used for your own selfish goals"

"I guess but you know i have been away for a long time. I just want to know what has happened to her in these years i have been away"

"You now care for her. Well now i know you have changed"

"Brother please, i just wanna know"

"She is a brave woman you know. I admire her for that"

"Uh, i met her today and also her daughter. Is she married?" Mike asked, unknowingly holding his breath to hear his brother's answer.

"She is, or should i say was married. Her husband died a year ago. Since then she had taken the role of both a mother and father to Hannah"

Mike let out a sigh of relief as he inwardly smiled. He did not know why he felt quite happy about her being single now. For some reason he wanted her to be single. 

He asked again;

"What was her husband's name?"

"Daniel"

"Daniel? You mean Daniel Brownwell? The Miner?" 

"Yes, he died four months ago"

Mike knew Daniel all right. They were quite good friends when he was still back in Zades. Back then he would always give him lectures on turning a new leaf. Well he wasn't here now to see the changed man he was. He knew  Susanna's last name was familiar but he did not know where he had heard it from till now.

"May his gentle soul rest in peace" Mike thought.

"What killed him exactly?"

"He was buried underground during one of his mini expeditions. When we found him,we noticed he was still alive but his skull was bashed with no hope of life. He was carried to the hospital, but i couldn't save his life"

"Why?"

"I needed an equipment that the hospital didn't have any the only option was to transfer him to another hospital which was quite far from Zades. Before we could even be able to transfer him, he was dead" Ben said as he shaked his head in sorrow.

Mike sighed as he looked out of his window. Now he could feel the pain she was feeling. He could not blame Susanna for her pain because he knew that this was part of the pain which he and seen in her eyes. He suddenly felt bad for Susanna. Why would a beautiful woman like Susanna suffer making her to be an only parent.

Thinking of this made him feel all guilty the more.

"Why do you hate me so much Susanna?" He whispered, silently asking himself as he drived into the still night, his thoughts resuming the battle that had begun since his eyes had met hers.

                        📖

Susanna smiled as she watched Hannah sleep. She had picked her up from Ben's house, her temperature close to normal.

She remembered the conversation that had gone between Susanne and her.

"So how are you coping Susanna? I understand it is not quite easy for you to be an only parent".

"Well all i can say is that i am doing fine on my own. I can take care of my daughter myself"

"I understand but you cannot stay alone for the rest of your life. You need a man beside you to support you and help raise your daughter. Why don't you get married?"

"That is not my plan not now, not never. I have better things to think of than that shit"

"Think about it Susanna. You can be able to be happy and Hannah will also be happy because she will have someone to call her father"

"Thanks for the advice Susanna, i will think about it"

                      📖

Susanna sighed as she kissed Hannah on the cheek. Marrying was not what she wanted. She just wanted to be all by herself and raise her beautiful angel on her own because it seems she never will be happy with a man and destiny will not even let her enjoy love as she had wished since she was a little girl.

Dreaming of her Prince Charming coming from up in the skies, his beauty indescribable riding on a horse with a smile on his face. Scooping her in his arms and telling her that he won't leave her and that he will stay with her forever.

That he will love her more than anyone ever did.

That has been her childhood dream version of her Prince Charming but that does not mean anything to her because the moment Mike came into her life, she knew that will never come to pass.

Daniel had been so good to her, a nice and caring husband, taking care of her when Mike had left her and giving her not only a name but a home. She could not say they were a perfect couple whom were head over heels in love with each other, but they weren't really in love.

He had waited patiently for the time she will perhaps fall in love with him and they will become one. She knew he loved her because she had always seen that love in his eyes for her. But that time never came because death himself had snatched him away.

She had mourned his death like a good wife would and decided to take care of her daughter to the best of her abilities and see that she never lacked anything.

Tears fell from her eyes as Susanna stepped out into the windy night, not minding the rain that was threatening to fall. 

Let the wind blow and sing its songs to stir the emotions, let it bring the sweet memories of times gone and hopes for a good future ahead. Let the wind remind her that she was alone in this present moment. 

She needed a time alone.

Her thoughts ran wild as the wind blew strongly, not affecting her in anyway.

There was one person that lingered in her mind at that moment, one person she wanted to get rid of and live a peaceful life for once.

Mike.

She fell to her knees as she remembered all she had gone through in the past.

Her parent's death.

How she had to live all alone since she was fourteen alone without anyone.

How she had depended on whatever fate gave her as a job.

How her life seemed to change when she had met Mike when she was barely twenty years old.

How she had loved him so innocently, falling deeply in love with him and giving him one thing she had treated most; her innocence.

How he had lied so smoothly of his love for her.

How she was so happy then when she had found out she was pregnant and had rushed to Mike to tell him the good news.

How hurt she was when she had found out he had left.

How he had left her, carrying his child with no one to turn to and nowhere to go. He left and he had left with her happiness, leaving her so then and shattered.

The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down her face. She felt the muscles of her chin tremble like a small child. There is static in her head once more, the side effect of this constant fear, constant stress she lived with. She heard her own sounds, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. It takes something out of her she didn't know she had left to give. That's the way it is when people are hard. It's like a theft of the spirit, an injury no other person can see.

When she cried there was a rawness to it, like the pain was still an open wound. She would clasp onto her legs for  support, and even the grasses. The sobs were stifled at first as she attempted to hide her grief, then overcome by the wave of her emotions she would break down entirely, all her defences washed away in those salty tears.  Her face looked like one who had suffered before and didn't know if she could do it again. 

As much as she tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from her throat in the form of a silent scream. The beads of water started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. She hit held some shrubs as she tried to scream, but her voice was melted by the sound of lightning and thunder. The muffled sobs wracked against her chest. 

Rain began to fall, the broad leaved shrubbery gossiped softly with the wind, suddenly she became so angry, so angry at what fate had destined for her. How her life had become almost meaningless if not for her daughter. 

And then she gave out a shout.

The shout was a violence in the air, a way to take the pain away. 

There was something in that shout, a pain behind it. The anger was nothing but a shield for pain, like a cornered soldier randomly throwing out grenades, scared for his life, lonely, desperate. 

She hugged herself as she bit her lip.

"No, i will not let him find out about Hannah. I will not let him just come into my life and ruin everything for me. Hannah is Daniel's child and it will remain that way. I cannot just bear to be dumped by him again and worse dump my daughter. He would just abandon me again once he knew who Hannah is to him.

"And i cannot go through that trauma again. I just can't. The pain is unbearable and i will have sought the comfort of death if not for my Hannah who will be left in this world without a father or a mother to care for her. I do not know what I had done to deserve this, i just do not" Susanna said as she broke down in tears, the rain falling on her so heavily, without mercy.