CASSHindi ako makapag-isip ng maayos ngayong linggo. Thankfully, Mama volunteered na ipayal muna si Jeremy to let me have my rest. Sabi niya, I should go to a hotel or spend my day in a spa.Instead of doing that, I decided to spend my time in a small cafe malapit sa amin. I don’t want to travel far and I don’t want to do anything. Literal na gusto ko lang magkape.Some neighbors greet me with a smile. I returned my smile at them too. I feel proud that I’m able to do this. Because there was a time when I'm too affected by how people think. They didn't even hide their judging looks when they saw me. Hindi ko man naririnig pero alam ko anong binubulong nila.It was unfair for me, it was unfair for Jeremy...kasi, wala naman kaming ginawang mali. The only mistake I am guilty of was choosing Jake.I was so blinded by my own pain that I forgot about others' feelings. I was staring too much in the past that I totally forgot about the future. May panahon nga na halos itulak ko na ang mga nag
"Sweetie, can you please be a good boy and wake Tita Ellie up? Tell her that dinner's ready."Agad namang sumunod sa akin si Jeremy at lumapit kay Ellie na nakatulog sa sofa habang suot pa ang salamin nito pero nasa sahig na ang hawak na tablet. Hay, napaka-workaholic talaga. I love work too but I usually try not to bring it at home. For her case though, it's confusing. Work, life, love, she got it all mixed-up. I'll just be here and support her. Paminsan-minsan, nagpa-prangka na din.Dahil day-off ni Rina, kami lang ang nandito ngayon sa bahay. Okay lang naman dahil halos every weekend din naming nakakasama si Ellie. Buti na rin para hindi masyadong tahimik dito sa bahay. In fact, with Ellie around, it's always fun.We were seated at the table. Kanina pa nga naka-upo si Jeremy dahil takam na takam sa adobo. Nung naamoy niya kung anong niluluto ko, nag-tambay na dito sa kusina. Jeremy is always looking forward to Adobo Weekends. Such a cutie.“Adobo! Adobo! Adobo!” He cheered as I put
Hindi ako makahinga ng maayos dahil sa init. Halos maubos na ang order kong iced tea kahit hindi pa ako nangangalahati sa rice.“Alam mo tinanong ako ng lalake dun. Iyong may-ari ata ng resto.”I excitedly listened to her story and where it might be going. Hot issue for this hot day? I'm in. “Type ka niya? Oh. You should give him your socials.”“Ang bilis mag-conclude! Eh, buti sana, kung ganun.”“What did he ask you then?”“Kung mag-jowa ba daw tayo.”I couldn't help but choke on the ice tea I just drank. Pambihira. “Ano?”“Right? Kinilabutan din ako pero napagtanto kong bakit nga ba lagi tayong magkasama tuwing lunch? Wala ba tayong ibang kaibigan?”I couldn't help it. I laughed so hard that I started tearing up. “Wala nga naman kasi talaga tayong ibang kaibigan. Parang nung weekend lang, I was linked to this guy I don't know. Ngayon naman, sayo.”“On a scale of 1-Cass, how single are you?”I rolled my eyes. “What’s the problem with that? I love being single. You know that.”“Ikaw l
Sandaling hindi siya nakapagsalita. I had the exact same reaction when Jeremy told me about his gift.“Ha?” She asked. That was the first and only word that came out of her mouth after being dumbstrucked. I understand her completely. “I know. I asked him what does he want for his birthday party, ang sabi niya ‘I want Tito Troy to be present.’”“Teka lang, teka lang. Troy to be present or Troy to be the present?""For him to be present, but, what difference does it make? Parang gusto niya na din ata talagang si Troy ang regalo niya.” I sighed. When I first heard it, kahit na blangko na talaga ang isip ko, I pasted this huge smile on my face. “I told Troy to turn a blind eye, alangan naman hilahin ko siya ulit sa buhay namin. That would only mean being closer to… to him.”I didn’t want to say his name. Parang tuwing sinasabi ko ang pangalan niya ay mas lalong lumalaki ang tsansang magkita ulit kami. No. Not today.“Seryoso talaga? Hala, huwag naman. Gag-” she was about to say a bad wor
After the wedding… The day I found myself again…The sound of the waves was so calming. Ang presko pa ng hangin. Ang payapa ng paligid, but this silence… it makes me want to cry.Everybody thought it was so pathetic of me to go through with the plan. Sinong sira-ulong bride ba ang pupunta pa rin sa honeymoon kahit na iniwan siya ng groom. I was warned that it was a stupid idea. I was in the mood to do something stupid. This vacation was well-planned and already paid for. Kahit sa ako mag-stay, I’d be lonely. So, why not be lonely in a place where I don’t see everybody looking at me with pity.Awang-awa na nga ako sa sarili ko tapos kaawaan pa ako ng iba. I needed this break. I want an escape and the farther it would be, the better.There was a nice restaurant that was playing bossa nova music. Umupo ako sa may bar. I couldn’t have alcohol but at least, I get to enjoy everything else. Wala pa naman akong baby bump and I can’t see any changes with my body yet except for the increasing a
“Dito na kayo nakatira? Kasama ng anak mo?”After so many years, I can’t believe I’m talking to him again. It felt surreal, like meeting a friend I only saw in my dreams.He nodded and then took a sip of his coffee. I wasn’t planning on having a get-together with Ivan. Okay na ako sa simpleng hello and goodbye, but both Nate and Ellie were persistent that we both catch up. I could tell that they were rooting for us like what fanboys and fangirls do. Eh, hindi naman ganoon ang relasyon namin.“Yes, but nothing permanent set for now. I work as Nate’s manager. Habang dito siya sa Pilipinas naka-base, dito muna kami. We’ve always wanted to go back home. Now, we have a reason to. We've been here for, what? three months now?"“Really? Matagal ka naman na pala dito. You should have called me to catch up.”Noon, Liam was like my reflection. We shared the same heartache and we were both emotionally unavailable. Buti naman nagkita kami ngayon. Now that we are not the same person anymore. We ca
Hindi ko dapat sinabi iyon.I was consumed with guilt and for a careless second, my tongue slipped and spilled information about Jake. I felt immediate regret when I said what I said.Hindi ako handa pero hinintay ko ang reaksyon ng anak ko. Whatever question he might have, I was willing to answer it... but to my relief, today is not the day. Mukhang nakatulog na ang anak ko at hindi nga ata niya narinig ang sinabi ko kanina."I'm so sorry, baby." I kissed his forehead goodnight and left the room.Cassidy: I don't know what I was thinking Ellie o baka nga ay hindi ako nag-iisip. I almost told Jeremy about Jake. What's wrong with me? I thought I had my shit together.I sent Ellie a message pagkatapos kong mag-ayos. She went home... o baka kasama niya si Troy. I'm not really sure. Ellie was planning to spend the night here pero sumunod din naman minutes after Troy left.I was walking back and forth in the room at umupo lang sa kama nang mag-ring ang phone ko, and a notification popped w
Water bottle, check. Extra clothes, check. Towels, check. Tissue paper, check."Jeremy!" Tawag ko sa kaniya after making sure that we have all the things we needed for our Sunday get-away. Usually, lumalabas kami ng bahay to maybe get lunch, go to amusement park na kami lang dalawa. Minsan din, kasama namin si Ellie.Pero ngayon, kinakabahan ako because I don’t want to make the wrong move. ‘It’s a simple playdate, Cass,’ paulit-ulit na sabi ko sa sarili ko. Ivan had this idea of a playdate ng mga anak namin while we catch up. It works because that way, matutuloy na din ang plano naming magkita. At the same time, mababantayan pa namin ang mga bata while they have fun. That’s if they get along.I hope so.Jeremy came running into the living room. "Anak, ingat," paalala ko sa kanya.Halos kita lahat ng ngipin niya sa laki ng ngiti. Lalong naningkit ang mga mata ni Jeremy as he giggled. Sinuot niya na ang sarili niyang bag, totally excited to meet his new friend.May tunog ng kotse mula
“Baby, I have something to tell you.”Jeremy pouted as he moved closer. Ilang araw ko ding pinag-isipan kung paano sasabihin sa anak ko ang kondisyon niya. He knows something wasn’t right. Palagi niya akong tinatanong kung okay lang ako dahil masyado daw akong tahimik. Masyado kasing malalim ang iniisip ko because I don’t want him to panic. Ang ending tuloy, I’m causing him to worry.“I’m not a baby anymore, Mommy.”“Oh. Ngayon na gusto mong sabihin na hindi ka na baby, ayaw mo nang mag-Mimi sa akin.” I teased. “I have something to tell you but let’s wait for your Dad.”“Why do we have to wait for him?” “Because he also has something to tell you.”Saktong nag-ring naman ang doorbell. I opened the door and as expected, Jake was standing there. Kung anong tapang niya nung hinarap niya ang mga magulang ko, today was the opposite. Kahit nakangiti ay hindi niya maitago ang kaba. Eto talagang si Jacob ay si Jeremy lang ang kahinaan.“You arrived just in time. We were talking about you.”“R
“What do you mean Jeremy’s sick?” Papa said.Mama was so speechless that she couldn’t even speak. Kahit ako nay nahihirapang i-explain ang sitwasyon. I am so tempted to call Jake and let him do the explaining. He knows this disease more and he knows what can be done. Baka alam niya kung paano pakalmahin ang mga magulang ko because if it’s only me… hindi ko alam.“Not my apo.” Mama finally said something.Jeremy is taking a nap upstairs. I told Rina na huwag muna siyang pababain dahil kailangan naming mag-usap nina Mama at Papa.“Is this the reason bakit sinugod siya sa hospital?”“Yes. We’ll have him checked with a specialist immediately and see the options for treatment.”“And do we have an idea what are the options?” Tanong ni Papa.“Hindi ako sigurado, Pa. I… I only knew about this now at kahit ako, wala masyadong alam tungkol dito. I will do my own research but..” I held my breath. Wala sa plano kong hindi sabihin sa kanila ito but it’s so hard to keep this a secret. Hindi ko kayan
I meant what I said. Still, I shouldn’t have said it.Nung niyakap ako ni Jake, napagtanto kong kahit na anong galit ko sa kanya, I missed him. Ano bang nangyari nung may sakit siya? While I was hurting, was he hurting too? Of course, he was. He wouldn’t be crying this much if he wasn’t. We could’ve been there for each other. Kung sana, hindi ako tumigil sa pagtatanong kung kamusta na siya, there could’ve been an us.“I won’t. I promise.” Bulong niya sa akin. “I’ll be here for you always, Cass. For you and Jeremy.”It was what I needed to hear. Hindi ko kayang mag-isa ito.I could feel the longing with his stare. His thumb continuously softly brushes my cheek. “I… I lo-”Napahinto kami pareho nung mag-ring ang phone ko. I swiftly moved away in a panic lalo na nung makita ko ang pangalan ni Ivan sa screen. I looked at Jake but he was looking away. I hesitated if I should answer the call, pero hindi ba mas lalong magiging mali kung hindi ko sasagutin? “Hello?” I finally answered.“Hi,
“What?” I don’t know if it was loud enough for Jake to hear dahil kahit ako, hindi ko marinig ang sarili kong boses. What he said played in my mind again and I refuse to believe it. I changed my mind. “Don’t say it again.”I needed to leave here. Kailangan kong lumayo sa kanya. Whatever it was that I was feeling… It hurts so much that I feel numb.“Cass.”“Stay away from me.” I closed my eyes before I ended up breaking down.“Cass, I’m sorry.”“Sige nga.” I challenged him. “What are you sorry for? Because my son is sick? O baka naman dahil sa ginawa mo sa akin noon. Are you sorry for hurting me? Are you sorry I had to go through so much because you left me?”“I didn’t want to leave you.”“But you did, Jake.” I paused while I catch my breath. Nanginginig ako dahil sa sobrang lungkot at galit. “Am I supposed to feel guilty now dahil iniwan mo ko? Don’t say it was because of me because I would’ve wanted to be there. In sickness and in health, Jacob. I was ready to make the promise.”“I wa
It was so stupid of me to let my guards down, but I’m really glad I have him here. It was comforting to know that someone who knows my pain is by my side.I brought myself back to reality when my phone started ringing.Ivan’s name popped on the screen. Lumayo ako kay Jake and took a second to breathe.“Hello. Ivan?”“How are you? Is everything all right? I was calling you and Ellie but no one’s answering. May nangyari ba.”I looked at Jake pero na kay Jeremy na ang attention niya. He was combing Jeremy’s hair.“I’m sorry. May nangyari lang. Inaasikaso kasi namin ngayon si Jeremy.”“Why? What happened” He sounded so worried sick. I can imagine Ivan, with a furrow in his forehead and a worried look on his face. “Okay lang ba siya?”I nodded my head, “Yes, he's fine. Medyo nahirapan lang siyang huminga kanina but he's now sleeping…” “What?” He gasped. “Is he okay? What did the doctor say?”“They are still running some tests.”I am so dizzy. Naubos ata lahat ng lakas ko kanina.“How abou
“Baby... Baby... Are you okay?" Natatarantang tanong ko. I combed his hair and then cupped his cheeks. His lips parted as he breathed heavily, gasping for air.My hand started shaking so badly that I couldn’t touch him anymore.“Ellie!” Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. I searched for something that I can use para paypayan siya. Binigyan naman ako ni Ellie galing sa bag niya at nanginginig na inabot niya sa akin iyon. “Ellie, can you call for an ambulance?”I watched as my son clutched his chest. He closed his eyes and his hand that was holding me tightly lost strength. “Jeremy. Jeremy.” I tapped his cheeks. “Listen to Mommy. Jeremy.”Hinihingal pa rin si Jeremy habang papunta kami sa pinakalapit na hospital. Thakfully, mayroong ten minutes away lang. Hawak-hawak ko ang kamay ni Jeremy. Wala pa rin siyang sinasabi but I could feel his hand holding me. I should be the one calming my son pero parang ako pa tuloy ang kumukuha ng lakas mula sa kanya.Medyo masakitin si Jeremy but it
“May gusto ka bang pasalubong?” Jake sounded a lot more cheerful than his usual tone. In my head, I already called this ‘Jake’s Daddy Voice’. The one he exclusively uses for Jeremy. I was holding my laugh at first dahil never ko pa siyang narinig magsalita that way but as time passed by, I got used to it. In fact, I appreciate everything he does for Jeremy, conscious or not. As long as he's keeping his word, I’m willing to let go of the past for Jeremy’s sake. Babalik kasi si Jake sa abroad, just for a week. Matagal na nga siguro dapat siyang umalis. He’d ask me, “Cass, would it be fine if I leave for work?” It’s for work and I know this arrangement. From day one, alam kong he wouldn’t be around every day for the whole year. I’d tell him, “Yeah, sure. Wala namang problema. You tell me when’s your flight and when you plan to come back and see Jake, you can also tell me. So, we can make an arrangement.” And what? We had that conversation every week hanggang sa napagtanto kong, it wa
“Mimi! Mimi! Mimi, wake up ka na.”Gising na ako but I couldn’t open my eyes. Alam na alam ng katawan ko that it’s the weekend and it’s asking for more sleep. My son, on the other hand, is asking for more playtime.I peeked at his excited face, already full of that young energy. I feel so old most especially when I can’t keep up with his excitement. I smiled, "Yes, sweetie. I know, but can you let your Mom sleep for a little while?" Agad naman siyang ngumuso at mukhang malapit nang magtampo. I touched his cheek, "Then we can do anything you want after. Ipagluluto din kita ng kahit na anong gusto mo."“Okay. I’ll let my Mom sleep but cook a lot of corned beef for me, Mimi.”“See. You can call me Mom naman pala or Mommy. Why do you insist on calling me Mimi?” I laughed.Jeremy shrugged. For him, I’ll always be his Mimi. “I don’t know. I like Mimi more. See you in the kitchen! Love you!”Imbes na matulog ulit ako ay pinilit ko na lang bumangon. Ayan, nahawa na nga yata ako sa energy niya
It was almost a new feeling of relief when I woke up in the morning. Walang pinagbago but I felt so much better. A lot better than yesterday.I remember the feeling of being sick almost to the point of feeling numb and my head was spinning I felt so dizzy. Ni hindi ko na nga maalala kung nakapagpaalam ba ako sa anak ko. My memory was still a bit blurry.I fixed myself in front of the mirror. Ang gulo-gulo ng buhok ko at pati ang mukha kong kahit naka-recover na sa lagnat ay nangangailangan pa rin ng ayos.I freshened up before heading to Jeremy's room, almost a habit. Naalala ko na lang na wala pala siya dito."Good morning po, Ma'am!""Good morning, Rina. Wala pa si Jeremy?"Mukh