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“Can we go to bed?” I whisper. I’m still so exhausted,
I want to stop thinking, just for one moment and forgetany of this, forget everything but what he feels like. I’mnot ready to be free of his arms around me giving memuch-needed serenity. I sniff back the last of my tears and lift my chin to him.“Together? Same bed?” He’s wary and being gentle. He doesn’t want to presume anything, so I nod and bring my eyes to his in the dim light.
“Don’t do anything more than hold me … I can’t … I just can’t do anything more than that, I don’t even know if we can even do this.”
Even though I know I need this.
I close my eyes and rest against him, trying to calm all the inner protests and voices telling me how pathetic and weak I am.
“We’ll take it every hour at a time, adjust to what you need. Just being with you is
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“Where do you want to drive to?” His voice is softer, with being so close and his gaze is intent on my mouth. I can tell how much he wants to kiss me, and it only makes the fear inside me lift higher. That kiss invites her into my head, all the pain of what he did and I’m not ready to deal with that right now.I turn away, so I’m not tempted and push my empty plate aside. I look out across the open-plan room and sigh knowing that he’s reading every signal I’m giving off with apprehension, probably overanalyzing every one. Being so near him has my head in chaos about what I want from him, blurring the lines of how much touching I can bear to allow.“I don’t know … just anywhere, somewhere pretty. Somewhere that’s not here.” I shrug. I don’t know why I want him to drive me anywhere, maybe the motion of the car, and Jake being the one in control somehow makes it feel better. It means I can take a time
The Carrero Effect 201
“We’re here, miele.” Jake lifts me from the car when I blink my eyes open. I’m sure it’s only been seconds since I closed them. I’m in his arms being lifted out of the car and the garage around us looks exactly like underground parking at his apartment, and I’m completely thrown.“We’re home already?” I blink a few times snuggling closer into his strength still trying to get a grip on reality, confusion all over my face, severely disorientated.“You fell asleep pretty quickly, bambino, you don’t look so white anymore, so I think it did you some good.” Jake brushes his mouth against my forehead with a soft smile.What the hell is with the sleeping lately?I close my eyes and let Jake carry me into the elevator and home. He’s right, I do feel better for having taken a nap. The nausea has subsided almost completely and now I just feel hungry. I know
The Carrero Effect 202
Jake is right, less than half an hour later the lovely Doctor Rachael Brown is shown into the room to examine me. I tell her there’s no point evicting Jake as he’ll only linger, asking questions, at the closed door every two minutes distracting her from her job. He has an air of command oozing from him and he’s in a no-nonsense mood. He’s already hanging at the side of bed with a grim expression on his face, as though he wants to beat someone.“Doctor.” He nods her way and watches her like a hawk.She smiles, indulgently, and gives me a sympathetic look. I guess she’s met a few overprotective men in her career and looks like she can handle the Carreros of this world.“So, now, how can I help here?” She smiles sweetly, her voice as smooth as honey, with one perfectly manicured hand she runs a stray copper hair back into her neat French roll. She looks more like one of Jake’s top executives than a d
The Carrero Effect 203
“You’re going to be a father.” She smiles at him and pats his arm gently before getting up. “I should leave you two to it, let it sink in. Congratulations to you both.” She pulls her bag up onto her shoulder. “You have my number, call when you want to discuss details about having her transferred to a specialist, Mr. Carrero. I can recommend a few. Emma, good luck.” She gets up to go and the panic surges over me in a terrifying wave of ice, loosening my tongue at last.“Wait. I can’t be, I mean I really can’t. I’m on the pill and we, I mean, I … haven’t missed one. It’s not possible, this isn’t what was supposed to happen. I mean I should know, I would have known, wouldn’t I? Oh, my God. I can’t … I can’t be pregnant; how can you be sure? You can make a mistake, right?” I’m rambling, voice bubbling out in sheer
The Carrero Effect 204
I don’t know how to feel. Fear and panic are consuming me, and I can’t process anything beyond the next thirty seconds. I can barely breathe … again. Jake catches my hands and brings them to his chest, pulling me to look at him, slowing my erratic breathing as it matches his. I’ve never had a full-blown panic attack before, but I know instinctively that’s what this is. I let him bring me back from the verge again.“We are in this together, I won’t sit back and let you deal with all of this alone, bambino. I’ll take care of you every step of the way. I’ll be the guy who gets up and feeds the baby while you sleep, and I’ll change the nappies and take care of mom the best I can. Trust me with this. Trust that I would never leave you to do this alone even if you decide you don’t want me back.” He kisses me on the nose and my heart melts at the way he always gr
The Carrero Effect 205
We sit across from each other in the busy little barbecue bistro, the used plates laid between us, and I feel a hundred times better if not a little too stuffed. I sort of regret the pie and donuts, but I had a point to make to him and I was in no backing down mood.The walk here, the food, and the time to silently ponder it all, has brought me down to a more even level of insanity. He’s kept his distance, not touched me, or talked, but let me think, until I had some sense of calm; outwardly at least. The food has almost annihilated my thoughts of anything else. My hunger was so ravenous, that I focused completely on demolishing the food he bought me, trying to ignore the surprising yet affectionate expression he had while watching me eat. He hasn’t dared to touch anything on the plates I requested but has stuck to his own as though he knows that in doing so, I’ll most likely turn feral.
The Carrero Effect 206
I try to ignore Jake’s smug look when I saunter into the open-plan living space, finally awake from my two-hour nap on his bed. I had a tantrum on the way home, making him walk with me while I refused to get in the car, while Jefferson drove alongside at the pace of a snail. It was utterly ridiculous, but I was adamant that Jake wouldn’t tell me what to do and he walked alongside me with hands in pockets; daring not to argue.I’ve woken up feeling a hundred times angrier and more emotional, whether it’s delayed shock or my brain unraveling slowly I have no clue. I only know that I feel like breaking down and sobbing about everything and eating a lot of ice cream … with chips … and hot sauce … And maybe a bowl of pistachios too. I suddenly want food more than anything; again. Food and some damn mental rest. This is completely exhausting, like I am going through some sort of grief that I can’t understand.He’s stan
The Carrero Effect 207
My life has been turned on its head and every version of who I was or am has me so upside down and back to front, I’ve no idea who I am anymore. All I know is graceful, cold, PA Emma, would never be in the crazy mess I’m in now. I haven’t worn any of her clothes in weeks, let alone those stilettos, which I’ve kept with me almost like a protective talisman. I wear flats now … flats! Girly clothes, cute jumpers, and goddamn summer dresses in romantic fabrics. Hell must have frozen over surely.“I’ve been a nightmare, Sarah. It’s a wonder he’s still here.” I cast my mind back to the tearfulsobbing, angry shouting and smashing plates of crazy Emma who has been occupying the apartment with him. The woman who woke from a nap on the couch to find Jake had set up the bathroom with candles, music, rose petals and a gorgeous bubble bath for me, and told him I hated him before breaking down in sobs. I am a me
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