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I don’t know how to feel. Fear and panic are consuming me, and I can’t process anything beyond the next thirty seconds. I can barely breathe … again. Jake catches my hands and brings them to his chest, pulling me to look at him, slowing my erratic breathing as it matches his. I’ve never had a full-blown panic attack before, but I know instinctively that’s what this is. I let him bring me back from the verge again.
“We are in this together, I won’t sit back and let you deal with all of this alone, bambino. I’ll take care of you every step of the way. I’ll be the guy who gets up and feeds the baby while you sleep, and I’ll change the nappies and take care of mom the best I can. Trust me with this. Trust that I would never leave you to do this alone even if you decide you don’t want me back.” He kisses me on the nose and my heart melts at the way he always gr
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We sit across from each other in the busy little barbecue bistro, the used plates laid between us, and I feel a hundred times better if not a little too stuffed. I sort of regret the pie and donuts, but I had a point to make to him and I was in no backing down mood.The walk here, the food, and the time to silently ponder it all, has brought me down to a more even level of insanity. He’s kept his distance, not touched me, or talked, but let me think, until I had some sense of calm; outwardly at least. The food has almost annihilated my thoughts of anything else. My hunger was so ravenous, that I focused completely on demolishing the food he bought me, trying to ignore the surprising yet affectionate expression he had while watching me eat. He hasn’t dared to touch anything on the plates I requested but has stuck to his own as though he knows that in doing so, I’ll most likely turn feral.
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I try to ignore Jake’s smug look when I saunter into the open-plan living space, finally awake from my two-hour nap on his bed. I had a tantrum on the way home, making him walk with me while I refused to get in the car, while Jefferson drove alongside at the pace of a snail. It was utterly ridiculous, but I was adamant that Jake wouldn’t tell me what to do and he walked alongside me with hands in pockets; daring not to argue.I’ve woken up feeling a hundred times angrier and more emotional, whether it’s delayed shock or my brain unraveling slowly I have no clue. I only know that I feel like breaking down and sobbing about everything and eating a lot of ice cream … with chips … and hot sauce … And maybe a bowl of pistachios too. I suddenly want food more than anything; again. Food and some damn mental rest. This is completely exhausting, like I am going through some sort of grief that I can’t understand.He’s stan
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My life has been turned on its head and every version of who I was or am has me so upside down and back to front, I’ve no idea who I am anymore. All I know is graceful, cold, PA Emma, would never be in the crazy mess I’m in now. I haven’t worn any of her clothes in weeks, let alone those stilettos, which I’ve kept with me almost like a protective talisman. I wear flats now … flats! Girly clothes, cute jumpers, and goddamn summer dresses in romantic fabrics. Hell must have frozen over surely.“I’ve been a nightmare, Sarah. It’s a wonder he’s still here.” I cast my mind back to the tearfulsobbing, angry shouting and smashing plates of crazy Emma who has been occupying the apartment with him. The woman who woke from a nap on the couch to find Jake had set up the bathroom with candles, music, rose petals and a gorgeous bubble bath for me, and told him I hated him before breaking down in sobs. I am a me
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For the first time in weeks I get a stupid spontaneous smile spreading across my face and I stare at him in a completely new light. It’s as though I’ve just woken up, and blinking in sunlight, I gaze at him as he comes into focus. He looks happy, idling through the stuff on the bed, his green eyes almost luminescent. I’ve never seen him as gorgeous as he is right at this very moment, beaming over his baby’s things looking every bit irresistible to me. I couldn’t fill my heart with any more love than this moment right here. Everything that has happened, everything we’ve done to one another, yet this little moment here seems to wipe it all out. Just looking at him like this, knowing I’ve been falling apart without his touch, has me aching. I want him, and I need him so badly, this is making me crazy.“Kiss me,” I say it so directly and spontaneously that I even take myself by surprise.
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I watch him resist, but he wants me, it’s singing out from every pore of his body. I know he has very little will when it comes to me. I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck as he leans in to go for another soft kiss, catching him by surprise and he tumbles on top off me gloriously.“Fuck’s sake, Emma!” He snaps in sparking anger rolling off me onto the bed with a furious glare and jumps up onto his feet like a panther. “I could’ve hurt you or the baby.” His lust replaced with sheer annoyance. I instantly bristle and scowl at him; spurned on by his overreaction and the rejection to what I really need.“Is this what I have to endure for eight months? Being treated like fine china and pandered to? Regardless of my behavior?!” I snap, frustration turning me into that crazy monster he once denied an orgasm to in his mother’s gardens, my good old trusty anger bouncing up out of nowhere to devour me again.
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“We need to go out today, Emma.” Jake wakes me from my nap with a gentle kiss on the mouth. I’m on the couch where I fell asleep with a book. Kissing has made a definite come back, although Jake never lets it move into full-on passion. I know it’s because he doesn’t want to escalate things, but he has gone back to kissing me softly, tenderly, and sometimes a little erotically. I’ve managed to gain control of the Demon Bitch appearing in my head, with the kissing at least; she doesn’t pop in there as easily anymore.“Where?” I stretch out and yawn. This last week I haven’t felt like doing anything or going out at all; morning sickness and tiredness are currently ruling my life. I guess I’m finally starting to accept the idea of a baby growing inside of me; appointments for doctors have been arranged for a week’s time. I’m not exactly jumping around with excitement, but at least I’m not trying t
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Two hours later I’m regretting the road trip as we stop for the fiftieth time so I can get some air. The nausea seems to take over anytime we get on the road and I’ve had to stop and throw up a few times already; seems my morning sickness likes to rear its head badly the second a vehicle is involved.“I’m sorry.” I grimace as the waves of nausea roll over me. He holds my hair away gently rubbing my back while I grip my bottle of water. I’ve been sick a few times already and no longer embarrassed at Jake seeing it. I need him with me to hold me and hold back my hair.“No, baby; I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would make you sick like this, we should’ve just asked Mamma fly to New York for a visit.” He helps me up from my perch in the grass and holds me tight against him, my body trembling at the effort of throwing up, not really r
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“She’s here, isn’t she? I got her back. I’m not going to be that dumb again, I swear.” He huffs and squeezes me a little tighter. Sylvana scowls at him, then her face drops, and she heaves a sudden sigh, remembering her dilemma.“This is what the so much worse is.” She flaps her hands with a dramatic sigh. “Marissa is here. In the sitting room.” She grimaces and both Jake and I tense up instantly. My breath catches painfully, but Jake is the first to speak.“What the hell for?” He sounds angry, no, he sounds pissed as hell. Meanwhile I just feel sick, and emotional, and about ready to cry and storm away. This is turning into the day from hell for me.“She’s staying with her family for the weekend and just showed up asking to see me and talk about things … She’s carrying my grandchild r
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