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139
“What?” Everything in me halts to some weird frozen moment, suspended in time and my manic panic calms instantly to surreal numbness. One questioning word jerked out of me in response to his statement.
Standing in the lift facing him while he holds the doors wide, only feet apart and so close to escaping I can almost taste it.
Tears stop and my body stills. I openly stare at him in complete shock. Brain stuttering on his words and unable to react whilst in a state of disbelief.
I stop my noisy breakdown and hold very still, breath paused, emotion idling while I wait. The hysteria of a moment ago fades to this eerie silence between us as I pause for an explanation, an expansion of his sentence. Of a meaning to him saying the word love, to me, of all people.
He can’t love me. It makes no sense. He hates me. He hurts me, he always has.
But he just told me he loves me, and he will do anything to keep me.
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Suspicious of this behaviour, I keep one eye on him as I look around for my discarded items, but he stays put and watches me in that silent predator way of his. Seeming more like the man of the last few months than the sadist of pre-shooting myself in the face days.I know it’s been there all along and I was oblivious to how far it went. The little niggles that something had changed were all dismissed, and now looking at him silently observing me, I can see the uncertainty in his demeanour is very real.If he isn’t lying, if he means what he says, it explains a lot from the past few weeks—about the change in him. I just don’t understand why though.
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“I want you. That’s all there is to it. I want to show you that you don’t have to fear me and maybe prove you can trust me.” Alexi gets straight to the point, lifting my hand into his and slides his fingers between mine to hold me tenderly. I stare at our entwined digits, feeling his heat flow into my cold, smaller one and gaze at it, disconnected. The space around me is surreal as though I’m dreaming. I should lie down. I’m verging on passing out at this rate.“I didn’t know what love was, what was staring me in the face. I haven’t exactly had anything to compare it to.” Alexi sounds incredibly young once more, flitting between his normal cocky self and these glimpses of an unsure teen that are throwing me off. This is a side I doubt anyone ever sees in him and yet it's softening me to him a little.Warning signs and neon flashing lights in my brain are telling me to proceed with caution. Half my senses
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Shame washing over me as all the little bricks of my persona crumble to the ground. He will never look at me the way he did. It’s no wonder he changed.“I thought maybe if we started at where you came from then we would have an idea of where you would go.” Alexi comes and sits beside me, slowly, carefully, as though he can sense how fragile I am feeling. So many things in my head drowning him out. I don’t care where he sits anymore. The real danger is facing me in a cardboard box that he has positioned back on the table. The past catching up to me once more, and I’m so terrified if I touch even one of those cruddy, mouldy covers that everything will turn to dust and I will never recover. I don’t want those memories back.
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I put my glass down and stand up slowly, eyes on his tall, strong back as he messes with the ice cannister, fidgeting to get his excessive energy under control and I walk forward. Growing in determination and confidence, knowing this is what I should do.Watching him as I close the gap between us and sensing his own quiet despair that me knowing about what he did will send me running for the door twice as fast. I can feel his tension from afar. That scared little boy awaiting the inevitable rejection from another woman deeming him unworthy of love because of the things he was programmed to do.Who could love someone who kills so brutally, so cruelly?Me.I could.Because I understand why.No hesitation, nothing else in my head except this overwhelming feeling that I want to do this. I need to do this. I owe him this.I walk up right behind him, slide my arms around his waist and push my head against
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That gets me blinking up at him and catch that weird half smile he does that has a crazy softness to it. My insides flip flop all over, warning me how dangerously close I am to falling right back under his spell. I need to be smarter. He has so much power over me and exerts so little effort to use it.There is so much more weight on this now, I have to be stronger.“Why are you being so smug and annoyingly confident right now? You weren’t so self-assured last night, so what is it that’s got you smiling and acting like I’m a done deal today?” I snap at him, not so much in anger but irritated that he is making me crazily nervous and awkward, making assumptions, and I’m making an idiot of myself. I hate that I’m not in control of me. Alexi just grins at me.“You’re still here. My odds went up massively when you stopped trying to escape via the elevator. And you haven’t stopped blushing since you came out h
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“I like a little danger, it’s good for the heart.” He winks this time, and that gets him a second flat handed smack of ‘not amused’ and a cushion swung at his face which he catches and yanks forward, so I’m pulled into his face with mine.I cough on the fast intake of breath it causes and as he catches me and rights me; we come so close we are almost nose to nose and there it is again; the feeling he wants to kiss me and the weaker side of me knows she would probably let him.“If you didn’t care then it wouldn’t be upsetting you. Seventy-five percent, give or take a few.” He winks, and that makes me lose my shit all over again and forget anything about fucking kissing. I grab another cushion to smother him, swinging it at his head, so not impressed with this. This percentage crap will get him maimed and if I find his gun, I will shoot him my fucking self. He just bats it away and smiles at me devilishly
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I venture down to the club, wearing a simple back fitted shift dress over black flats with my hair up in a sleek ponytail. Understated glam today and simple with natural makeup, which isn’t my normal forte. I feel like a change, and to blend in a little, rather than my bold and brassy self. Low key to match my fragile mood, I guess.I don’t know if he is still in the building, but I’m hoping we don’t cross paths for a little while. I need some normal to get my flow back and settle down after the past hugely traumatic and crazy twenty-four hours. I can almost feel the calm and serene emanating from the club as staff work to put it to rights for tonight. The drama of
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I throw my third sexy dress on the bed and slump down in a deflated heap, annoyed with myself that I’m doing exactly what I said I wouldn’t do. Prettying myself up for him and stressing over how to dress and what to wear like some sad little teenage idiot on a first date. I can’t believe myself sometimes. He texted me and told me to be ready for six and to dress casually. Whatever that means. Ironic really, as that was my original plan; to show a lack of effort and now, here I am with a bed full of dresses and he is the one telling me to dress down. I don’t know if he means casual pretty for somewhere like his Italian restaurant or if he means jeans and sweater cas
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