Chapter 1

Justin grunted, "Oh yeah," as he came, like he was the fucking Kool-Aide man. I pursed my lips and reciprocated with a "Mmmm," but I was nowhere near close. I never was with my husband. And Lord knows I've tried but I simply could not get myself into having sex with him. Aesthetically speaking, Justin wasn’t not good looking - he was 5’10’’, exactly my height with dark hair and heterochromatic eyes that made him look more Bond villain than Bowie. We’d both gotten fluffier throughout lockdown. I’d tried to engross myself in cooking videos, to distract me from the constant presence of another person in my home. The condo I’d bought with my mother’s inheritance yet the dark, modern flat seemed more like a stylish AirBnB rather than a place I’d call home. My penchant for bright, happy colors had faded throughout Justin and I’s relationship and was replaced with my husband’s desire to maintain a visage of polished success.  The only thing missing, he seemed to think, was children. Adding the pressure of trying to conceive had left me yearning for at least some kind of chemistry and the depressing realization the only spark in our bedroom came from my well-worn vibrator. 

Justin hopped out of bed immediately and headed for the shower. He always showered immediately after making love - despite insisting that I wasn't "dirty," he still felt the need to clean himself thoroughly after we'd been together. This is what I get for marrying the good-on-paper guy. He was a dutiful husband.  He was kind throughout my mother’s illness and she had taken comfort in the idea of me, her only child, being cared for after she was gone. "Marriage is more of a partnership anyway," she said. To forgo a true love match for the sake of securing a decent future for myself, with someone that my mother had at least met and found agreeable. "He definitely can't keep up with your sense of humor," she later admitted. I couldn't remember the last time I'd told a joke. I had made a "that's what she said," crack while out with Justin and his friends and I was later berated for being too crass. Justin couldn't have his wife making dirty jokes, that wouldn't do.  I was his to be his silent partner as long as I played the part of a blonde, happy homemaker who always agreed with him.

We had met whenI left Wexford University after being arrested for public intoxication early on in my freshman year. Ever the obedient girl, I had actually stopped when the Wexford cops raided a party and told everyone to stop running. My overprotective parents bailed me out of jail the next day and immediately whisked me back home where I resumed my old job waiting tables at the pub. That’s where I’d met Justin, he had been hired as a manager while I was briefly away at school and always liked to maintain that power over me. I was at my lowest - even my long distance boyfriend at the time, Luke, had dumped me after hearing I was a college dropout with a record. I was shocked someone had shown interest in me and Justin gaslit me into thinking that I was lucky to have found someone willing to see past my past. Even now, Justin was still a manager at the pub but fancied himself a finance bro and had started a YouTube channel during the pandemic, making him even more insufferable. I had moved on from the pub, eventually getting my RN from the local community college, fulfilling a dream my mother had for me but I never had for myself. “Nurses are always in demand,” she had said, ever concerned about my future. I always felt as though I were living someone else’s life when I slipped into my scrubs… I was a nurse who was afraid of needles. 

Despite being in the service industry, Justin was rude to waiters, dismissing my objections as him being critical of other restaurant’s practices. He had anger issues, once even punching through a glass window on a bus because we were caught in traffic leaving a concert. I wasn’t sure if those anger issues had waned over the years or if I’d just gotten so accustomed to walking on eggshells that I hadn’t provoked him recently. He was also obsessed with brands and appearances. He was mortified when his buddy's wife asked where I had gotten my yoga pants and I said they were from Costco. To his credit, he bought me a pair of Lululemon's afterwards but in a size too small. I wasn't sure if that was a dig or not. I never knew with Justin. Justin seemed to have it all together. Great car, house, job, tons of friends, an active social life, glamorous vacations to post about on I*******m and I fit in as his wife. The sweet nurse who kept the house neat, dinner on the table and stayed consistently toasted on wine so I could numb myself to my miserable existence. He could be the perfect guy for someone else, but he wasn't the perfect guy for me. Even our fertility doctor said we were incompatible - I knew he meant my eggs and his sperm but both of us were deemed healthy and I felt like my body was literally rejecting him.

My mind often wandered, desperate to escape real life. I wanted something more. A sense of belonging. A real connection to another person. My marriage had become overwhelmingly lonely, exacerbated by being together in quarantine. It became shockingly evident how little we had in common - we didn’t watch the same shows, listen to the same music, like the same food or share the same political views. He was convinced COVID was a hoax because some dude on the internet said so. That became very tiresome for me, a nurse, who was helping patients Facetime their families to say goodbye on a regular basis. I eventually quit trying to find common ground and kept my nose in a book. I had read about soulmates and twin flames and wondered if I had a true soulmate out there, one who was mine in a past lifetime and I had just tragically missed during this one. I secretly hoped he was out there, somewhere. My mind always wandered to the same person - Colin Mills. We had first met in middle school and his piercing blue eyes felt like they stared directly into my soul. I knew I was staring back but couldn't help it. Only the bell sounding at the end of the passing period had broken our gaze and we had remained acquaintances throughout middle school and high school. Our paths would occasionally cross whenever my strict parents were foolish enough to think I was at a “lacrosse sleepover.” One such occasion, we’d played Spin The Bottle at an abandoned house in our hometown and though it was a silly kiss, it was an electric moment - one I still think about 17 years later.  Colin had  even continued to Wexford as well but I was long gone before we could reconnect at university. I always wished we had and wondered if my life would be any different.

I waited for Justin to turn on the shower before fetching my vibrator from its hiding spot. Whenever I thought about Colin, I felt awake in every sense of the word and felt desperate to satisfy that urge. It was always the same fantasy - instead of just making out at the abandoned house, we’d stumbled into some room which magically had a clean bed, tearing each other's clothes off and him sinking himself deep into me. Colin was much bigger than my husband, tall and built like the rugby player he was  and I longed to feel the crushing weight of a man on top of me, passionate about me, thinking of nothing else but of different ways to touch each other. Sex with my husband was so boring that I made my packing list for the beach in my head while doing it. 

I finished myself off quickly before I heard the shower water shut off and placed my trusty vibe back in her hiding spot. I thought of my mental checklist for the beach. This wasn't an I*******m vacation, much to Justin's chagrin. My dad had finally decided it was time to release my mother's ashes into the ocean, per her wishes, so we were headed down to her favorite spot, Wrightsville Beach. We had gone every summer when I was growing up and always stayed at the Broadfoot cottage, the last time being the summer before I left for college. It was demolished just months later, on the same day that mom had passed away. It was a funky, old beach shack that was oceanfront and it was an absolute treasure. Mom swore it was haunted and one time, after a few too many spritzers on the porch, we thought we saw a spring loaded door open itself. We tiptoed into the kitchen to investigate and the door suddenly slammed itself shut. Mom placed her hand on my back, gently shoved me toward the door and said, "You go check it out."

I laughed at the memory. Though she was strict, she was a lot of fun. I had a delightful childhood and she was a wonderful mother but we had a difficult transition from child-mother relationship to adult-mother relationship. Her loss of control resulted in a lot of lashing out and my newfound freedom led to some poor decision making. I often wondered what our relationship would be now, had she survived ovarian cancer. I was freshly home from college when she was sick and she worried about what kind of future I’d have - so concerned that I’ve based a lot of my decisions on whether or not I thought she’d approve. Which is probably why I was still married to Justin.  

"I need you to pack my bag," Justin interrupted my thoughts. 

"I do?" I was already planning on forgetting something on purpose. 

"I'm going out with the guys, won't be back late and we're leaving in the morning, right?" I guess I was on my own for dinner.

I glanced at the window as an older Bronco rumbled up the driveway. It was Colin. He had gotten a bit bigger and grayer with age but his blue eyes were still as piercing as they were in middle school. He and Justin worked together at the pub - Colin had bought the bar with the money he’d received in a settlement years ago and against the advice of even the previous owner. “You won’t have a life outside of being a bar owner,” he had warned. I decided to go say hi to the man who was the frequent star of my fantasies.

"Justin is a lucky man," Colin said as he got out of the car, tenderly embracing me in a bear hug. 

"Oh, stop," but don't, I thought.

"If you have any single friends... Someone exactly like you." Colin continued. I inhaled deeply. He always smelled amazing and it elicited a sense of nostalgia for something I hadn’t experienced, at least in this lifetime. I smiled at him. Colin was easy to be around, I instantly relaxed in his presence. I hadn't received a compliment in a really long time.