Chapter 4

My ears were ringing loudly and my stomach had dropped like I had just been on a roller coaster. I blinked my eyes open and looked down to see my square-tipped French manicured hand atop a manhole cover. It was dark outside and the faint din of party noise was in the background. 

"Cabrey, you alright?" I looked up and saw my friend Alexis. I hadn't seen Alexis since my freshman year in college and here she was, dressed in a pink ruffled mini skirt and a bedazzled Bebe baby tee. She stumbled a little as she bent down and grabbed my arm. "Up you go, there are cops following us." I froze. I had been here before, albeit 16 years ago. I bounced to my feet and looked around. I was in Wexford. There was no mistaking the worn out college town in the mountains.

I quickly surveyed myself. Abercrombie army cargo pants were slung low around my flat, toned stomach. My top was a brown suede tie back. I gasped at the realization - I was about to be arrested. The trajectory of my life had changed in this moment 16 years ago and it was about to happen again. I took one look down the street. The Wexford cops were on the prowl; small towns like this made their money from arresting drunk college kids. I knew this all too well - it had happened to me. “Run, run, run towards your destiny,” Mawmaw’s words echoed in my still ringing ears. I didn’t have time to contemplate the possibility that I had just accidentally time traveled through a sewer back to 2004.

"I gotta go," I panted to Alexis. I wasn’t sure exactly how I ended up in my freshman year in college, but I knew from experience that I needed to get myself out of this situation and fast. I took off the platform flip flops I was wearing, which were sticky from dancing in a frat house basement and booked it. I hadn't navigated this area since I was 18 years old, but I knew which general direction to run in. Towards campus, to my dorm. To safety. 

My body felt noticeably athletic as it carried me swiftly down the sidewalk and across the street. At least I was on campus. I still had the campus police to worry about but I was in fight-or-flight mode and I was flying towards Dominion Hall, trying to remember my room number. Memories of my future self disappeared with every stride I took until I had made it to the steps of my dorm and only the memory of experiencing deja vu remained. “The feeling of deja vu will wane as you deviate from your original timeline,” I remembered. 

I wasn't even out of breath from running. I glanced at myself in the reflection of the glass doors. My eyes were twinkling bright, no bags, no wrinkles. I was skinny, fit. I oozed youthful confidence and a definite bliss that was only accompanied by naviety. I paused just for a moment to take myself in. I hadn't seen the girl looking back at me in 16 years. I hoped running from the cops gave me a second chance. “Sometimes a small, insignificant moment can change your entire destiny,” Dad had said to me less than an hour ago.

I vaguely remembered needing a student ID to let myself into the dorm and I patted my pockets, wondering what I would find. I fished a pink Vera Bradley wristlet from my right cargo pocket, my Wexford ID being front and center with a Blockbuster card behind it. I quickly swiped myself in and made my way to the elevator. 801, I think it was. The mundane memories of my daily life in 2004 began to repopulate my mind as the feeling that I’d experienced them already quickly vanished. 

The lobby was empty, except for a few bored looking RAs on night duty. Bush and Kerry election posters lined the walls. I nodded hello to them and called the elevator. The doors opened to the 8th floor and I was greeted with a sense of familiarity. I turned and made my way to the end of the hall where I saw my name and my roommate's name written on construction paper leaves on our door. A dry erase board read, in my handwriting, “Outttt, hit the celly.”  I felt the knob; it was locked, meaning my roommate likely wasn't there. A key was attached to the Vera Bradley wristlet, I tried it in the door and it turned. 

The room represented the two very different people my roommate and I were. Krystal was a little country and embraced the whole shabby chic aesthetic wholeheartedly. The only touches that weren't from Target were the multiple crucifixes that adorned the walls. My eyes traveled to my side of the room. I immediately cringed at my attempt to be different by hanging some choice edgy posters I had gotten just days before at the campus bookstore.

I looked around the room for clues to explain my deja vu episode that had triggered me to run. I always did as I was told and this time, I didn’t and I was free to continue my freshman year at Wexford. I glanced at the desk, which had my nursing textbooks still in their shrink wrap on it. “I never wanted to be a nurse,” I said out loud. My eyes traveled over things that were familiar to me on a daily basis but I felt like I hadn't seen in 16 years. A picture of Luke and I from our senior prom just months before was framed on my desk. “Don’t do long distance,” I told myself,”He’s not your soulmate.” I noticed  a pillow on my bed that had three fuzzy yellow chicks on it. Mom had given that to me for my dorm room, "Cool chicks for a cool chick," she had said. My mom was alive. My legs collapsed beneath me and I crumbled like a rag doll to the floor, losing consciousness. 

As I came to, I was nervous to open my eyes to see what reality I was existing in at that moment. Judging by the shag carpet from Urban Outfitters I had purchased for school that was now scratching against my cheek, I knew I was still back in my dorm room. In 2004. By this time, my dad was already picking me up from the Wexford drunk tank while my mom had hastily packed up my belongings, to take me home. But I didn’t remember any of that; my timeline had been changed, unbeknownst to me. I was in uncharted territory.

"God, what did you do last night?" It was Krystal, being super judgemental, per usual. Being sprawled out on the floor, still in party clothes certainly wasn't a good look.

"Hey," I started cautiously, "I actually got back early last night but felt a little woozy, sorry." What was in that jungle juice, I thought as I searched my pockets for a cell phone and pulled out a hot pink RAZR. It was so satisfying  to slam a flip phone shut after a frustrating phone call. I dialed "Mom," Instead of ringing, a low quality Bruce Springsteen ringback tone filled the speakers. 

"Hello?" Although running from the cops last night had set my timeline on a new trajectory and caused the lingering memories of my previous life to wash away, I knew in my bones that I hadn't heard that voice in years.

"Mom?" A lump in my throat rose immediately. 

"Hi sweetie, shouldn't you be in class right now?" I remembered that she had a copy of my class schedule. Mom was dead set on me becoming a nurse; she had determined that would be best for my future.

"I'm making some adjustments to my schedule," I began carefully. I was desperate to talk to her but didn't want to instigate a fight. "I'm not sure nursing is the right track for me. We both know I'm afraid of needles and have a terrible gag reflex."

"Just knock out your gen eds' this semester, then," Mom replied curtly. It was probably too early for her to discuss my future. I, too, was relieved to leave it at that. "What would Luke say? He seemed very keen on you being a nurse."

OH NO. Luke. The tall, blonde, green eyed prom date who was going to Dartmoth, who I had stupidly decided to do long distance with. He was incredibly sweet and what I thought was my first love, but I had just loved the idea of him. I should nip this one in the bud.

"Oof," I sighed. I wanted to get to the point of my call. "Have you ever had like, really strong deja vu?" 

"I remember a time that I thought I was drugged at a party in college," she began, "I kept hearing loud music and felt like I came in the middle of a final exam." I feel like I'd had that anxiety dream before. "I ran out of the classroom like a crazy person and walked to the Pie Shop at Villanova to get a coffee to settle my mind and that's where I met daddy," she said. I wondered if I should regale her with my running from the cops the previous night because of a premonition that my life would be miserable if I hadn’t.

"Right before that, I had met a fortune teller in Wilmington who told me my life was due for an adjustment, so I like to think that may have been it,” she said. "Why are you getting deja vu a lot?"

"Well, I guess I feel like my life has been shaken up a bit." Trying to remember details of my deja vu episode felt  like trying to recall a B list movie I had watched long ago.

"Of course you feel that way, sweetie, you just moved away from home less than a week ago." She had been there. "I do think trying long distance with Luke is too much for an 18 year old. You shouldn't be tied down." I agreed with her on that. "Just trust your instincts and I'm just a phone call away."

By the end of the call, it felt like another mundane chat with mom and not the wonderful gift from the universe that it was. I had a nagging feeling that I needed to tell her something but wasn’t sure what that was. We made plans for me to come home the following weekend to pick up my Jeep and visit. 

I was still in my party clothes, sitting cross legged on the Urban Outfitters shag carpet. I slowly got up and went to my desk and opened the turquoise and white iMac that had been my prized possession in high school. I convinced my parents it would help me get better grades when in reality I used it for basic HTML to curate my MySpace page. It began to boot up and the programs I had left open populated. AIM. I hoped I'd remember whose screen name belonged to who or else I was in for a rough social life. I navigated to the Wexford student portal and realized that while I didn't have concrete memories of the future, things that had become a habit, like the convenience of performing basic tasks online, were not yet commonplace. I'd have to go to the registrar's office to switch up my schedule,  like some medieval peasant.

Wanting to shower the Thirsty Thursday frat party residue off of me, I stripped out of my Mean Girls ensemble and glanced at myself in the full length mirror. I had played a sport every season all throughout high school and it showed. Youthful, athletic, lithe. This was delightful. I couldn't stop touching myself. 

The water pressure was surprisingly strong and the showerhead detachable. My newfound - or rediscovered - youth had me feeling like I needed to celebrate my body. I let the water flow over my tight, tanned stomach and down between my legs. My mind wandered to the fantasy I’d had for the past 2 years - fucking Colin Mills in the abandoned house. I closed my eyes and let the pulsating shower head work its magic. It didn't take long for my younger body to respond. I gasped at how powerful my orgasam was. Completely electrifying. I needed to celebrate myself more often.

A complicated skin care routine often made me feel more in control so I rummaged around my toiletry kit in the suite bathroom. Stridex pads, Clearasil face wash, Jergens Natural Glow body lotion, Bath & Body Works Cucumber Melon body splash and an ungodly amount of roll on body glitter… I gently washed my face with bar soap and put on Coppertone sunscreen. Feeling empowered and surprisingly not hungover, I dried my hair and plugged in my CHI. I flipped on the bulky TV with a built-in DVD.VCR combo and watched the program guide scroll until I found a channel with reruns of Laguna Beach.

I began to straighten my hair as Herbal Essences scented steam fizzled off my long, blonde locks. and did light makeup - Benefit Hoola bronzer, Lancome Juicy Tubes lip gloss and Maybelline Great Lash mascara. Feeling inspired by Lauren Conrad, I went to my closet and selected a cut off denim mini skirt and pulled on a lace trimmed white cami, which I topped with an American Eagle pink polo shirt. I gave myself a spritz of Clinique Happy and completed my look with the Tiffany tag necklace and bracelet I'd gotten for graduation. I slid my french manicured toes into a pair of Rainbow sandals and grabbed my classic Coach purse and set off to change my class schedule.