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Chapter 5
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2024-10-29 19:42:56Walking across campus, I felt excited to break free from my parent’s control and had wanted to push the boundaries. I had a firm 11pm curfew throughout high school and mom kept tabs on me at all times. It was a blessing phone tracking wasn’t available, so she couldn't see I was getting alcohol poisoning in a random field somewhere when I had said I was at a "lacrosse sleepover." I had felt a change within myself so I didn't feel an urgent need to go drink questionable punch in a dirty frat basement. My shift in priorities left me curious as to what else Wexford had to offer. I pursued the different club tables that lined the quad, beckoning freshmen to join their various activities. “Hey Ya” by Outkast blared from the speakers of one table while other freshman girls, sweating in their Juicy Couture tracksuits in the August heat of Southwest Virginia signed up for rush events. My introverted self hurried past the sororities and I curiously stopped at Wexford Outdoors. The university was situated in the New River Valley and this would be a great opportunity to explore the area. I had always enjoyed my time at summer camp and was eager for an opportunity to try backpacking. I scribbled my email onto their clipboard and started on my way when a study abroad table caught my eye. Intrigued, I began to browse their brochures while a volunteer asked me what type of experience I was looking for.
“I haven’t declared my major yet but I’ve always been creative and good with computers,” I said, hoping she’d point me in the right direction.
“There’s a waitlist for it but we have a half semester graphic design program in Japan,” she mentioned. Japan. I had originally intended to push the boundaries of my parent’s rules, not the country but this program sounded fascinating. I’d dabbled in graphic design during my many art classes in high school and enjoyed it.
“Could I join the waitlist?” I asked.
“Sure!” She replied and handed me a clipboard. I purposefully made my handwriting as legible as possible.
It was bizarre to see people walking around and actually conversing and not looking down at their phones. I pulled my flip phone out and decided to give Luke a call. I had noticed when I went to phone my mom that I had a bunch of missed calls and texts from "Luke <3" and needed to make some necessary adjustments. Though I knew our short relationship was a blip on the radar, he was a sweet guy and I owed it to him to release him of any commitment.
"Hey, beautiful," his deep voice came through the phone. I tried to picture him - green eyes, sandy hair, chiseled jaw. Too bad he wasn't my soulmate, he was lovely to look at.
"Hey Luke, we need to talk," I blurted out. I was never good with confrontation. "There is no easy way to say this and I do care about you a lot. But I think that attempting a long distance relationship at 18 won't be a good idea and I'm afraid one of us would get hurt." Silence on the other end.
"So you're just dumping me so you can slut it up at Wexford." I gasped like Karen in Mean Girls after Regina called her a whore.
"No... I just don't think we have a strong enough foundation to make a long distance relationship work." We had only gone to prom together and dated over the summer so it wasn't like we were in a long term relationship to begin with. "I'm sorry, Luke. I really care about you as a person and you are a sweet boyfriend who is going to make some girl at Dartmouth very happy. I'm just not at Dartmouth, I'm at Wexford and we are too young to make that kind of commitment." Hopefully, he got the point.
"Yeah, you're not Dartmoth material and it's not like I would have married a Wexford girl anyway." I wasn't expecting him to be this nasty but some shift within myself had given me the thick skinned nonchalance of an older and wiser person. The cliche post prom sex wasn't good, more reminescent of a Sex and the City episode where Carrie got pounded by the jackrabbit. Our only connection was that we went to the same high school and now that was over, it was time to move onto the next phases of our respective lives. I sighed, wanting the conversation to be over.
"Ok then," I said. How do I dump him harder? "Good luck at Dartmouth and maybe we'll run into each other in the future, who knows." I wanted to be nice.
"I hope not," he said, hanging up.
Ok, well fuck you too then.
My phone dinged with a text notification moments later.
“Only losers go to Wexford,” Luke had written.
“You have friends here…” I replied.
“Whatever, they’re losers, too.” I guess the whole Ivy League superiority complex goes to your head pretty fast, which was pretty rich coming from a guy who couldn’t parallel park.
I slipped my RAZR back into my Coach bag and fished out my baby blue iPod mini and let Natasha Bedingfield’s ‘Unwritten’ serenade me through my earbuds. I was finally shaking off the memory of having deja vu the previous night, writing it off as an adrenaline rush. My close encounter with the police did leave me a bit more cautious, though.
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I found myself seated in a computer lab at the registrar's office, armed with a course catalog. I decided to knock out some of the general education requirements to assuage my mother’s objections to my deviation from the nursing track but my encounter at the study abroad table reignited my interest in art. I signed up for an intro to graphic design course and added beginner’s yoga as my physical education requirement. I left feeling excited about the future, rather than burdened with the weight of fulfilling a dream that wasn’t my own.On my way out, I spotted Alexis from the night before hanging out with one of Luke's football teammates and one of my friends from high school, Ryan. "What happened to you last night?" Alexis asked, "I should have followed you, I got a fucking ticket for underage possession." Having no explanation for what could have compelled me to run, I just told her I had stomach problems and needed to book it back to my dorm. "Heard you dumped Luke so you could b
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I glared at my alarm clock. "Do you always moan in your sleep," Krystal was awake, looking down at me. I was definitely a sweaty mess, my body still alert from the dream. "I was just restless, being in a new place and all," I replied. She shrugged and sat down at her desk to do her makeup. There wasn't a single scholastic item on her desk; she had a full, lighted mirror with more makeup than a Sephora. Some evangelical snake oil salesman was playing on the TV that I’d bought from home. "I'm meeting the campus pastor for morning prayer," she said, dowsing herself in Victoria’s Secret Love Potion body spray.I smiled, throwing my legs out of bed. They still felt like Jell-O from the dream. If Colin could turn my legs to Jell-O in my dream, what was he capable of in real life? The prospect felt enthralling. "Is he hot?" I asked."He is a married, Christian man," Krystal snapped. Right. Because I'd do a full face for a married, Christian man at 8am on a Saturday,too."Do you need to use
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Monday morning came and I dressed in a cute graphic tee from Hollister and low slung Seven jeans, and stashed my notebooks in my multicolor Louis Vuitton tote. I pulled my perfectly straight ponytail through a Von Dutch trucker hat, popped on my oversized rimless sunglasses and had my earbuds in. Modest Mouse's “Float On” wafted through the headphones as I started out across campus to fetch myself a coffee before my first class of the day.I was totally that girl for walking into Psychology 101 a minute late with a Starbucks. The professor rolled his eyes at me and waved me in. I went to slide into a seat near the back when I heard a familiar voice:"Cabrey, over here," Colin whispered. I quickly sat in the empty lecture chair next to him. He reached over and took a sip of my coffee, like we'd been married for years and it was the most normal thing in the world. He didn't seem to notice my surprise. We actually had to take written notes in a notebook during the lecture. I had forgott
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That Friday after classes were done for the day, I packed my dirty laundry and dismissed the guilt over bringing home my laundry by being even more disgusted by the communal washers and dryers in my dorm. We were only a week into the semester and the machines already had the stink. I wanted to be comfortable for the ride but look cute at the same time, so I sported my PINK yoga pants with the multicolored logo waistband and a too tight Wexford tee shirt. I ironed my hair into a bouncy ponytail and applied light makeup for a natural look that still made my eyes pop. Colin pulled his old Bronco into the Dominion Hall parking lot and got out to help me with my luggage and I sheepishly handed him my hamper while he handed me a coffee."Thought you'd like a latte for the ride," he said. He had remembered my Starbucks order. I took a sip, purposefully getting foam on my upper lip and smiled back."That was too sweet, thank you," I said. I noticed his hamper in the truck. "I see you packed
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The next morning, I decided to quell my hangover with some retail therapy. A PINK store just opened locally and I had wanted to check it out. If things kept going well with Colin, new panties wouldn't be a bad idea. An Auntie Anne's lemonade and pretzel set me straight as I went to pick up my mom's order from Nordstrom. She’d pre ordered these boots called Uggs and got me a pair to bring back down to school. I grabbed a black North Face fleece while I was there and then continued to American Eagle for jeans and camis, Abercrombie for a few polos and graphic tees, Old Navy for cute jammies and flip flops. I stopped in Wet Seal to find a few 'going out tops' and cheap hoop earrings I wouldn't mind losing. I finished the trip at the Lush store and got too many bath bombs despite the fact I lived in a dorm without a tub.Back at home, I busied myself with laundry and getting ready to work my dinner shift at the pub. A few friends who went to school locally still worked there and I was exc
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Mom immediately teased me for how flushed I was when I got home that night. She was still awake, watching SNL and cuddling with Zippy. I breathlessly plopped down on the oversized couch next to her. “So do we like like Colin?” she teased. I giggled and nodded. “I want to grab brunch with you before you go tomorrow, do you want to invite him so I can get to know my future son-in-law?” I got out my phone and texted Colin and he immediately responded by saying he’d meet us at my favorite bagel spot at 10AM.The next morning, I slipped into a pink floral Free People sundress that mom had gotten me and a pair of platform flip flops I’d gotten while at the beach. I was tall but Colin was taller so he’d still tower over me even in wedges. I french braided by side swept bangs and pinned them back with a butterfly clip then scented my collarbone with Ralph by Ralph Lauren. Mom was already in the garage, putting the top of the Jeep down. “It’s a gorgeous morning,” she said, clipping it into p
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Colin and I saw each other that Monday during our psychology class. Instead of paying attention to the lecture, we’d passed my notebook back and forth, making our packing list for the Wexford Outdoors camping trip. He’d crossed out “tent” on my list and said we could share his. The previous weekend had left us both yearning for each other. Colin usually had rugby practice on weeknights and the rest of our class schedules conflicted most of the time. He placed his hand on my thigh during class.“If you two can’t keep your hands off each other for 50 minutes, then don’t come to my lecture,” our professor yelled at us. Colin quickly removed his hand and we resumed paying attention to the PowerPoint. The universe seemed to keep throwing obstacles in the way of our physical connection.“What are you doing this Friday,” Colin asked as we shuffled out of the lecture hall together.“Jenny was talking about a concert or something,” I said. My friend from my dorm had mentioned that she and her
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When we got back Sunday, Colin walked me up to my dorm with my backpack. Krystal was home but had company. They scuttled out of Krystal’s bed in a hurry, both still partially clothed. “You must be Pastor Duane,” I said with a laugh. I’d seen posters of the evangelical preacher on campus and he was the one Krystal had done a full face at 8am for. “And you two must be Shrek and Fiona,” Krystal retorted, looking Colin and I up and down. We were covered in mud and I was in desperate need of a hot shower. Colin had offered to take us back to his apartment to clean up but I was so far gone that I needed to be with my own things to pull myself back together. Pastor Duane quickly tucked tail out of our dorm room with Colin following him to the elevators. We’d actually discussed his strange brand of Christianity on our hike so I’m sure Colin had questions about the Quiverfull movement that Pastor Duane preached about. Once we were alone and I was thoroughly bathed, I asked Krystal about the
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The salty sea air filled my nose. I looked down at my hands, illuminated by the fading sun. Unpolished fingers, clipped short with a square shaped art deco style engagement ring on my left hand. I look at it quizzically then surveyed the rest of my outfit. A crisp white v neck tee shirt and black Costco leggings. “No, no, no, no,” I screamed as I began to pound my hands on the manhole cover. Dad squatted down next to me, quietly shushing me as I was scaring a family walking back from the beach. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes as he pulled me into a hug.“I know it’s hard, sweetie, but 16 years is a long time and we needed to put mom to rest,” he said gently. I looked over his shoulder and at the giant beach house before me, where the Broadfoot Cottage had once stood. The faint squeak of a wheelchair turned my attention to the street, where a young man was wheeling an ancient woman on the sidewalk. “Did you run, child,” she asked. I looked at her, bewildered. “That poor wom
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I spent the next few days at home with dad in a state of alcohol-induced numbness. Mom’s favorite drink was a chilled Titos with a lemon and I kept my tumbler full of it while reconciling being simultaneously grief stricken and angry at someone who is no longer with you. I felt robbed of time I could have spent with her, had I known. I shuffled through her desk, looking for clues as to what was going through her mind while I was away. I found every graphic design project I’d done in Japan proudly hung up inside the desk’s hutch, with a photograph of her, Colin and I, taken while out to brunch. I found solace that she had been proud enough of my accomplishments and had liked Colin enough to display them in what little room she had on her crowded bulletin board. Dad and I went through the motions of delivering the news to relatives and making cremation arrangements with the funeral home. Mom hadn't wanted a service; she simply wanted to be scattered at sea, at Wrightsville Beach. I ha
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The Japanese hospital held me for another day. Sarah didn’t leave my side. We had both become convinced that Rebecca had sinister plans for baby trapping Colin while letting Sarah’s brother beat him into submission to go along with her plan. I had remembered that Rebecca’s family was incredibly well connected; she had managed to get away with anything and everything in high school without a single blemish to her record. I was fitted with a walking boot so at least I wouldn’t be completely immobile. I was released from their care and Emi met us with a driver to take us back to the dorms so we could collect our things. “You’ll be back next year,” Emi assured us. She could sense that we were sad to be leaving but understood both Sarah and I’s circumstances. We needed to get back stateside to sort out the mess that Rebecca had created for both of us. I was able to pack up relatively fast and opened my laptop to check email and AIM before heading to the airport. A reminder from Wexford’s
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I wasn't home anymore. My body ached all over. I opened my eyes and saw my left leg and arm in clean, white plaster casts, gently elevated from the ceiling. An IV bag dripped fluids into my arm. The hospital was immaculately clean. A nurse hurried over to me. "Miss, miss," she said, gently shaking my shoulder. I winced in pain. "Name please, miss."Tears began to stream silently down my face. I wanted to go home, back to that home.Unsure of myself at that moment and not fully grasping where I was, I responded. "Cabrey Mills."Back at WexfordColin's phone rang on the hospital table. He had been in a coma for the past 5 days, his body recovering from being jumped by a group of deadbeat townies. They’d beaten him nearly to death. His mother looked at the caller ID. It was definitely international but she didn't recognize the country code nor was the number saved in her son's phone. She knew that the girl her son had fallen for was missing in Tokyo. She had been thankful she hadn't had
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The next day in class, I got an IM. HighlandHooker85: HeyI took one glance at the name and blocked it.The next couple of weeks were incredibly busy. The graphic design program had a more holistic art approach so instead of just sitting at our computers, we were attending paint classes, throwing pots on wheels, doing watercolors at the park, going to art galleries and museums and were encouraged to bring our cameras everywhere with us, in case inspiration struck. I was loving every minute of it. I hadn’t been the best traditional student, thus the reason why I ended up at Wexford and not one of the better Virginia schools but had always excelled in my art classes. I felt like I was learning so much and enjoying myself so thoroughly that any lingering regrets I had about leaving Wexford behind had diminished to nothing. One night after slurping noodles at a ramen house with Sarah, I got an IM from Jenny. She asked why I’d blocked Colin. What are you talking about, I replied. She ga
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14 hours later and I’d landed in the future, in Tokyo. I couldn’t believe I’d slept the entire flight, I must have needed it. So much for Fodor’s, I thought as I tucked the book back into my carryon. I glanced at the elderly woman sitting next to me. Her formally catatonic expression was gone; her chocolate eyes twinkling as they looked directly at me.“Don’t run off course, child,” she said quietly. “Excuse me?” I asked the old woman, confused but her expression turned back to stone as quickly as our interaction had taken place. Strange, I thought and was relieved to see a younger companion helping her from her seat and into a wheelchair. I had felt comforted by her presence; how else did I manage to relax and rest for 14 hours straight on a flight?A driver in a full chauffeur uniform greeted myself and a few other Wexford students at the gate. I hadn’t recognized any of them but hoped at least one of them would be a good buddy to explore with. Once we were all accounted for, the d
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Back at WexfordColin checked his phone for the millionth time that afternoon. He had been frantically texting me while trying to piece together the previous night. He had remembered the party, dancing, the police coming and then everything turned into a blur afterwards. He hoped Cabrey made it safely out of the party but had hoped even more that last night would be the night they’d finally get together. Sitting up in bed made his hangover even more palpable. He vaguely remembered Rebecca feeding him shots after everyone had gotten back to his apartment. He hoped he hadn’t done anything stupid that ruined his chances with Cabrey. He tried to shake the feeling that something was off and decided to clean up. While he was making his bed, he found a pair of clean, leopard panties tucked under the guest side pillow. That side of the bed was still made; he had changed the sheets and made the bed in case Cabrey slept over last night. whose panties were these and why were they placed there?
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Jenny left to grab us some pregame drinks and I started to get ready. Though it was going to be chilly, I opted for my shortest denim miniskirt with Uggs and of course *the* sweatshirt. For the afterparty, I wore a lace trimmed cami that made my tits look fantastic and exposed just enough midriff to show off my flat stomach. I straightened my hair and side parted it then french braided the long part across the front. Lauren Conrad had just rocked that look on Laguna Beach and I was obsessed. I mimicked her black eyeliner and bronzer and checked myself out in the mirror. "Would you fuck me, I'd fuck me," I joked around with Jenny, doing my best worst Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs impression. My cell beeped from my desk and I checked to see what it was. Rebecca. I really didn’t feel like dealing with her or her weird boyfriend, Justin. They were downright sloppy at the concert and I really didn’t want them to ruin tonight’s energy."Hey girl," she started, "I'm headed down to
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When we got back Sunday, Colin walked me up to my dorm with my backpack. Krystal was home but had company. They scuttled out of Krystal’s bed in a hurry, both still partially clothed. “You must be Pastor Duane,” I said with a laugh. I’d seen posters of the evangelical preacher on campus and he was the one Krystal had done a full face at 8am for. “And you two must be Shrek and Fiona,” Krystal retorted, looking Colin and I up and down. We were covered in mud and I was in desperate need of a hot shower. Colin had offered to take us back to his apartment to clean up but I was so far gone that I needed to be with my own things to pull myself back together. Pastor Duane quickly tucked tail out of our dorm room with Colin following him to the elevators. We’d actually discussed his strange brand of Christianity on our hike so I’m sure Colin had questions about the Quiverfull movement that Pastor Duane preached about. Once we were alone and I was thoroughly bathed, I asked Krystal about the
