The first two years of our marriage had been damn near perfect. Annie and I adored each other. We spent our free time together-traveling, eating out, socializing with our friends-it didn't matter what we were doing as long as we did it as a couple. I'm sure it helped we were in counseling almost from day one, but that never bothered me. Annie had a daunting past, and I wanted to ensure I was always there to help mitigate the demons. When she first invited me to a session, her apprehension was apparent-mine was, too. I'd never been in any type of therapy, but it was critical for Annie, and I tried to view it as an opportunity to be part of the healing. While we dated, she had opened up about the abuse she'd endured in high school. I knew about Will committing suicide and her feeling responsible for it, but I hadn't realized how deep those feelings of guilt truly ran. They went beyond Will and seeped into her relationship with Gray. I refused to add to that list. In fact, I wanted to h
Two days later, I sat waiting for Annie in the living room. I'd just gotten out of the shower and knew she'd be late but hadn't anticipated it would be after eight o'clock when she walked through the door. The smile that graced her face surprised me. I'd expected my wife to arrive weary, but the moment I saw her, I knew she was in a good mood."Hey, sweetheart. How was work today?"She waved her hand dismissing my question as she answered, "Meh, it was fine." I watched as she wandered through the house and set her things down before returning to sit in my lap."Are you hungry? I ate earlier, but I can fix you something." She shook her head, but her exuberant grin never left her lips.I wrapped my arms around her before she finally let me in on what had her so happy."I got in to see my OBGYN today." Her face pulled back to stare into my eyes.My lips found hers in a quick peck that resulted in a smile of my own. "Yeah, how'd it go?" I already knew if she was happy then things
We sat together in the bathroom, her between my legs on the floor holding the stick in both hands, willing the second line to appear. Annie's tiny frame tensed in front of me, but I tried to relax her during the wait. Three minutes became an eternity. When the line didn't appear, I waited for her to fall apart, ready to catch her to keep her from breaking. To my surprise, she leaned her head against my arm for a brief moment before turning slightly to face me."It's just the first month. We knew it was unlikely." There was disappointment in her words, but not despair. "It would've been cool but pretty unrealistic." Before I could respond, she leaned in to kiss me, opening her mouth to further invade my space. I welcomed her intrusion with open arms, pulling her toward my body. Just as things started to heat up, she pulled back. Her eyes were heavy with lust. "More time to practice." It was all she said before rising from the floor, pulling me up by my hand, and leading me to our b
The sheets were cold on my knee, wet even. I woke not knowing what the odd sensation was, but the dawn hadn't broken through the clouds, so I couldn't see without turning on a light. Not wanting to wake Annie, I fumbled with my phone. There had to be an easier damn way to turn on a flashlight than trying to swipe up. Couldn't there just be a button on the side. When I finally managed to quit touching apps and got the light on, I maneuvered myself beneath the sheets making sure not to wake Annie. The spot was about the size of an orange, but on the dark sheets, it just looked wet. I couldn't help but smile thinking one of the two of us had a dirty dream...but it wasn't me. Just as I was about to turn the flashlight off, I dropped the phone and when I picked it up the light flashed on Annie's leg. My heart dropped at the sight of blood lingering on her thigh. The tightness in my throat threatened to strangle me as I gulped for air, desperate to hold on to my composure. This couldn't be
Never had I seen Brett so emotional, so shattered. My failure left him bereft and brokenhearted. As I rode to the hospital, he held my hand, while my mind bombarded me with painful memories and thoughts of worthlessness. Plagued by inadequacy, I wondered how my husband would endure my punishments, those God kept placing on me. The guilt was almost unbearable. I tried to stop the tears; I didn't deserve to cry. This was warranted, my penance for not saving Will, for not having the strength or the courage to do what was necessary to pull him out of his living hell. Then there was Cole, once again my weakness, weakness for a man, had cost me a life. I thought I'd done things differently this time. "Sweetheart, talk to me." Brett's faint voice dragged me out of the haze.Unable to respond verbally, I squeezed his hand to acknowledge I'd heard him and offered him a meager grimace hoping to pass it off as a smile. "Are you in pain...physically?" The hesitation in his voice indicated his
It was a struggle not to succumb to the devastation of losing another baby. Brett was disappointed, but he didn't outwardly look to cast blame on me. Although, he had suggested I go back to seeing my counselor on my own in addition to our time with him as a couple. Somehow it felt like starting over-the pain of another loss, but Dr. Carthage kept reminding me how differently I had dealt with this miscarriage. When I got home from the hospital, I stayed in bed for one solid day. Brett stayed with me catering to my needs, holding me. But on the second day home, we got up and spent the day together trying to be normal. We'd called in sick, which neither of us ever did, but it was necessary and had been much needed. There were tears and sadness, but I wasn't overcome with the level of grief I'd suffered with Cole. It took Dr. Carthage pointing out that didn't mean I loved this child any less, it simply meant I had learned to cope-without drugs-and without falling into a pit of despair. I
Fourteen days flew by, and pre-op had been a bunch of nothing. Brett and I were sitting at the hospital at the ass-crack of dawn waiting to be taken back. I thought I'd be nervous or afraid, but an eerie calm had washed over me. Brett, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck."Brett, you need to calm down. Your leg bouncing like a rubber ball is making me anxious." I tried to tease him with a poke in the side, but he scowled in return. "Being grumpy won't change anything. All it does is make the time before the procedure miserable for both of us.""I can't help it, Annie. Going under anesthesia for any reason is dangerous, and I'm nervous. It's the most helpless feeling in the world to sit and wait. Every bit of what happens is out of my control. I'm worried, so give me a break." His breath hitched when he said the last word, and my heart ached."I know. I do. But, people go under anesthesia every day. This is really important to me, and the answer is more valuable than the risk.""
Three hours had passed, no one had been out to update me, and I began to panic, more than I had when we passed the two-hour mark. Dr. Matthews indicated the procedure normally took one to two hours but could go three depending on what they found. He said nothing about it being longer, and in my estimation, she should be in recovery by now. I'd been up to the nurse's desk a handful of times, and with each visit, she was more sympathetic than the last but still had no answers. Dr. Matthews came through the double doors after three hours and seventeen minutes with a grave look on his face. He balled his surgical mask in his hand before extending the other in a formal greeting."Mr. Ryann, you can come back to see her. I'll go over what we found with you, but she'll likely be in recovery for another hour before you guys move to a room. Once she's awake, I'll be happy to answer any questions you have in greater detail." He clapped me on the shoulder in a brotherly fashion and led me to m