CHAPTER 4: The Beginning Of The End

Before we move on any further, I want you all to be clear with all the different dynamics that were formed in my friend circle. Let us begin with Alizeh, she and Priyank were like brother and sister

and Priyank really loved that bond, he would literally do anything for her sister, you should see his call logs they had literally Alizeh written all over it. Alizeh and Rahul shared a brother-sister relationship while she and Kabir(yeah that guy from amphitheater) were committed to each other. Kabir and Shanaya shared a brother-sister bond. Then there was Rahul, he and Shanaya shared a brother-sister relationship, he and Reva were like best friends, while Prathu and Reva were committed to each other. Reva and Akash were totally siblings. Now my turn, me and Ishani shared a brother-sister relationship and up until then Shanaya and I were friends and didn't have that brother-sister bond, and I was friends with the rest of them and never got to make any relationships because I hardly knew any of them.

After the semester ended I went to Singapore for my vacation, although it was a short trip I really enjoyed it. I still remember my day of result, which was supposed to come out on the 25th of May but came a week later, and the first message I received after its declaration was from Alizeh, a bit surprising and shocking for me. It was just her asking about the same and wishing me luck and even saying that we should party after going back to college, which I knew was never supposed to happen. I mean who would wanna party with a boring person like me? With that message though our conversation ended and just like that I got to talk to her on vacation even if it was only once.

I bought a lot of chocolates, of course, because Alizeh asked too. I even purchased keychains for the four girls I knew and was friends with, they were Alizeh, Ishani, Reva, and Shanaya just as a gift from my trip. I even purchased a different keychain just for Alizeh with the hope that maybe I could gift that to her one lucky day and waited for that day to come. At that time I didn't know she loved minions. If I had any idea about that, I would have got her a souvenir from Universal but never mind. I didn't know

if it was right for me to gift them any of the things that I brought from Singapore simply because I didn't know them well enough to give them presents and it could turn slightly awkward. So, I kept them safe with me waiting for the time when we all would be open and comfortable with each other.

The vacations were over in no time and I came back to college. A little more boosted, happy and with a whole lot of excitement because this time I knew I had made friends, and at least I would not feel alone like I have felt in the previous semesters. But who knew this semester was going to be so very different than the rest. All the equations were going to change and I who was strict of the mindset of not making any relationships was willing to risk myself just this once to have that happiness. My whole life, all I ever wanted was happiness but was just not willing to take it because I felt that it would distract me from my goals. And I knew that I won't be able to handle it, I neither will be able to give time to my partner nor concentrate on anything else. It is just that I was afraid of being in a relationship maybe because I was just too scared to depend on someone else for my happiness or maybe because I was not confident enough to handle something like that, whatever the reason may be, it was just that, I was not prepared for it, thus I resisted it. But this semester I don't know how, I was willing to take that chance, the chance that left me completely shattered.

With that feeling the things progressed, we were all separated branch wise now, I was in CSE-B, although new class, it already had my favorites - Alizeh, Ishani, Akash, Shiv, Angad, Nikhil and I was totally satisfied. Finally, a class with at least some known faces and friends in it, and I was super excited about it. The first few days were more or less the same, the same old routine continued with me sitting in the fourth row with the guys while the girls sat in the first row with some new faces( already known to them but new to me). The first row was all the girl gang, with five girls including Alizeh and Ishani sitting in the first row just forming some sort of club or something or as we liked to call them the KITTY GANG, although we were joking but yeah that's the name we gave to the "girls gang", air quoting it, of course.

The new schedule was a few days in and we were all tired of it. And as if on cue, I got the news of the treat which was long due on Ishani for her birthday so I was all geared up for the party. But, the same feeling drove my mind again which was there on Priyank's birthday, that how I am gonna face them and this time I decided FUCK IT, I'll go, I mean for how much time I was gonna reserve myself, It was time for me to put myself out there and face it. So, just like that, I got ready for it(the treat). It was mid of August I think, and I went into the cafe with Rahul, yeah our bond was building up, who was sitting with all the others from NAGSHAKTI. A few of them were running late but those who were here were Alizeh, Kabir, Shanaya, and Priyank but the conversation continued and all the gossips and fun began.

It was the first time in the past year that I have been to a party. Although it was new for me, I enjoyed every bit of bit. I was mostly quiet, sitting probably in the corner with Priyank, Rahul, and Ishani beside me because they were the only ones I knew, with Alizeh sitting with Kabir in another corner beside me, but suddenly Shanaya started playing with those vodka glasses and drinking the cold drink from it and acting drunk, which was met with laughter, such a crazy girl she was. That was the first time I literally bonded with Shanaya and I really liked it.

Due to my shy nature, I didn't provoke conversation with anyone but then there was one, Alizeh, who tried to make me comfortable with space, talking to me in between although it was all general talk like, "Do you drink?", or "Asking me to eat few dishes and all that little stuff". She even teased me by saying "Please drink vodka!" Again and again, and

when others asked that if you guys talk at all she said, "Varun and I talk, but just about the important stuff and all". All this seemed a bit comforting to me because she created that comfortable space around her with everyone, not just me and she was actually like that, caring and loving all the time. All of this directed my attention towards her but my mind told me it's just better to stay away because she was already in a relationship with somebody and I can't let myself fall for someone who was not free to love me, so I decided to take control of my feelings and just let them go away.

I just built a personal space around me and decided not to be involved more with her because even if it was not going to work from her side but, I knew that if I continued to feel this way, it was just going to make me fall more for her and that was not ideally correct considering the given scenario of the current situation. So, then the best solution that I could come up with was to maintain a certain distance with her, just to make myself comfortable and let go of my fondness for her by just talking to her about the study-related matters and nothing more. This way I thought that I could prove to myself that it was just my fondness for her and I could easily let it go.

So, the time went by quickly, with both of us growing close to each other instead of growing apart and were just getting more and more connected. I tried a lot just to stay away from her but that always leads me more and more closer to her. This growing friendship and attachment or closeness or whatever you call it was not only from my side but from her side too. Whenever I needed help or support she just started to be there, she started to care for me and that care and respect for me increased in her mind day by day and I noticed it, I mean how could I not. Because you always get to know if someone shows care and respect for you and this is where we built our connection- just out of pure respect for each other.

This way September arrived, and with it the first sessional too. And as usual, we all geared up for it, but this time around, in the middle of sessionals, something amazing happened. It was the 8th of September, Alizeh's birthday, her mom always used to celebrate her birthday with her and this time around the scene was the same, she stayed in the guest room with Alizeh and Kabir (yes Alizeh told me her mom about him). Just like the previous year, we all were ready to celebrate her birthday and I waited for it too but with a dilemma in my mind that "Will I be invited over to celebrate her birthday ?" and just in time I got her message saying "Listen, if you are free, please come to B1-503A for my birthday" and I was like "Woah!" she just invited me and of course I told her that I'll come, I mean how could I make her sad. Just like that, I went there with Priyank and Rahul, although the rest of the boys were there too, I still remember we reached at exact 12am and she was excited to celebrate her birthday. She once told me that she loved celebrating her birthday very much and she was waiting for it for the past month. I assumed all this was true because I could absolutely see that excitement, thrill, fun, and happiness on her face. I mean I was just a little overwhelmed by just seeing her so happy and smiling just getting to celebrate her birthday with her boyfriend and mom and I really wanted that happiness to stay in her life. I reached there and just stood in one corner while she celebrated her birthday and not even got the chance to wish her properly or meet her mom because there were so many people and she was all busy, but seeing her that happy was really worth it and I finally got a picture with her in which she was all smiling just giving me the memory of a lifetime. This way the scene ended and we all went to our rooms and prepared for the next exam. The exams were over but I was not satisfied by the way I had given my sessionals and there was a drop in my performance maybe because this course was all way too new for me, nevertheless the sessional were over and it was now time for Alizeh's birthday treat.

Just a few days before her treat that was on the 12th of September, Rahul told me something, maybe he felt that he trusted me or our bond has grown way too strong, whatever be the reason, the thing that he told me that was going to turn all of our lives upside down and maybe more of Rahul's than ours. He told me that he liked Reva, who was already in a relationship with Prathu, and he wanted to be with her. It was his choice, I mean he could like whoever he wanted, but sometimes it doesn't matter much you like someone, you just got to keep yourself sealed up and just let the things be how they were before because as stupid as it may sound, all of the things will definitely change, and the bond, the friendship, the comfort, nothing will be ever the same again if you tell them and that's what I told him to do. Just to take a step back and analyze the situation and properly take time and decide if he really wants that or not and what impact it would have on Reva's life and their friendship. I only asked him " If Reva says no and all of this affects your friendship, what will you do? Would you ever want that? Will you let that comfort go away just because of some stupid feeling?" And his answer was absolutely NO, as he wanted her to be there in his life always and the solution was simple too, however hard it must be for him he had to just be normal around her and she can never know and that's what I suggested him. All of this was in his hands only, and he had to decide what he wants and what he doesn't. But it was his decision and he decided to tell Reva.

However similar this may sound to my situation, it was not. Some differences were there those being, Alizeh and I were not the best of friends. Neither were we both so close to each other nor did I knew that it was my fondness for her or infatuation or maybe I even really liked her. I didn't know any of it and that's where the differences were significant. With that decision in Rahul's mind and with all these thoughts, we went to Alizeh's party. I just wanted to relax and enjoy her party. Her party was all the mixed feelings for me, I sat with Priyank again because he was the only one I knew well enough, indulging in conversation with both Rahul and Shanaya. I still remember Priyank taking the charge of Alizeh's birthday, seeing all the arrangements, giving orders, and taking care of all the guests, because after all, it was his sister's birthday, I mean how could he not. All of this showed how much he loved her and cared for her and didn't want her stressed for anything just like any good brother would do and that's what I loved about that guy. He was ready to do anything for the people he loves just to make them happy. Only a few instances happened where I got to talk to Alizeh about her treatment, she was tensed and I could see her on that face, I only told her to relax and enjoy with Kabir and all of us as it was her treat and just not take any tension and assured her that I was there to help. I mean that's the most a friend could do in a situation like this. I even told her to just sit and eat dinner and if any of us needed anything we would tell her and that she didn't have to worry. She smiled looking at me and said "Thanks", that smile and thanks meant a lot to me, and I am sure it even meant a lot to her. Maybe she started to trust and believe in me and that's what made us more connected to each other, the reason being just these small things and respect for each other. Amidst all my thoughts, the party ended, and then it was time for pictures. I still remember Alizeh saying to me "Come here, I want to have a picture with you" and even asking Kabir to take our picture, mean naturally who else could she have asked to do it and finally we got our second picture together through Rahul was a part of it but never mind at least she and I got to be in the same frame, that's what was more important and this way her birthday party ended.

Coming back to the dynamics of the class, Akash and I decided that it was time for all the guys to split up and reach out to different sections of the class. So, as to make new friends and to get to know all our classmates- Akash went to the second row on the left(because of Kiara, aka Chutki) while I and Angad moved on the second row on right just behind the Kitty gang and Nikhil moved back towards the second last row thus covering the whole class and making new friends. This change was much needed for all of us, I mean how much time were we going to sit in our comfort zone, it was now time to bring up a change. This way our communication circle expanded, getting to know more and more people while making the already existing bonds stronger and stronger. This continued for a few days, with all of us sitting at different places and slowly I moved to the first row on the left and started sitting with Shiv and Prathu, just wanting to experience how it is like to sit on the first seat, nevertheless I enjoyed it and my friend circle just got expanded.

Amidst all our fun in the class, my bond with Alizeh evolved. Now, we were not just doubt friends, the friendship was evolving, with both of us getting more and more connected to each other, and the respect and care for each other were increasing day by day. We were now so-called "good friends", as she started to trust me. She started sharing things with me and our conversation evolved from doubts to the more and more general stuff as all the friendships proceed. It was all a natural process nothing forced or planned as such, whatever was happening it was on its own and none of us made any extra efforts for this to happen and that's what made it more special and amazing.

Instead of being happy, I started to do something that most of the guys would do, which is I panicked, and started to ignore her for few days as I felt the same feeling which I have had my entire life that "People just talk to me because they need me at that point of time and when their need ends they all just walk away" and I just wanted to be sure that this bond was just not like this. I wanted this connection that I had made with her to stay always and that is the reason I decided to do it. So, this process started with me reading her messages after 12-14 hours without reply, and even though I replied sometimes, it was just with one word and if I replied to them on time, all my replies had an aggressive tone and were pretty straight forward. I also didn't speak to her during or after the class and just went away from her whenever I used to see her. I think she noticed it because she didn't stop messaging me. Although she didn't speak to me face to face, her messages were there everyday and she even asked me quite a few times "Did anything happen? If you want you can tell me" and I always said "Everything's perfectly fine", although it wasn't and I tended to ignore her.

After a few days, I decided to end this and just be back to normal as "I felt this was not the bond I thought it to be" and intended to give up. With that everything was back to normal between me and her. Suddenly one day, she asked me out of no context that "Are you sure na, you were not angry with me?". I asked her "Why do you think I was angry with you?" and she said, "I don't know, I just thought because you were not talking nicely to me and you appeared upset/angry that's why". I realized that she definitely noticed that and it was my time to tell her the truth so I gave her the same reason for ignoring her that was mentioned above and her reply was really overwhelming. She said "I get that, same has happened with me, but in reality except two or three people no one actually cares and if you felt like this because of me na, so I am sorry yaar, really because I know how it feels and I genuinely consider you a friend", this reply and concern really made me feel what stupidity I have done but at least I got to know how precious this friendship was to her which was more important to me.

This concern and feeling were really very special for me because it proved to me that the friendship that I consider special from my end was also similar to her end too. I was searching for someone, maybe a friend or a best friend, who would understand me, knows me well, and supports me, and I think so she also was in search of the same and this is what connected us the most. Our bond started to grow over time and that growth was far from being stopped and that's where I think things took a drastic turn.