Chapter 1

Sipping a cup of bitter coffee Celine walked down the hall to her mother’s room. She hated hospitals. They smelled like disinfectants and body odors. And they all had the same vinyl floors that no matter how much you washed them, they held onto dirt embedded in tiny scratches and crevices.

This place was depressing. She wanted to take her mom home so she could be comfortable, but Mom insisted on staying here. She said she didn’t want to be a bother. We only had her on this earth for a few more weeks. How could she be a bother?

"Cold Blue. Code Blue. Room 2114. All available staff. Cold Blue.", a speaker blared, startling her and scalding the back of her hand with hot coffee.

People dressed in scrubs erupted from stairwells or around corners and ran past her. Realization bloomed and she began running. Room 2114, that was their room.

She heard the alarms getting louder as she ran. She was going so fast that she had to grab the molding of the door to control her swing into the room where a medical team surrounded her mom. Celine's throat burned and the room looked impossibly bright. People were shouting out commands she did not understand.

“Mom!” She tried to reach her mother but was pushed back. Peering around the medical staff, Celine strained to see what was going on, but she couldn't see past the sea of scrubs. Grabbing the nearest person she yelled to get their attention “What is happening."

"Ma'am", I am going to need you to stay out of the way or you will have to leave the room.", said a male nurse who gently pushed her toward a seat and then went back to work.

Fading into the background she watched. She had never felt so helpless before. Her head was throbbing, and her body tingled full of an energy she could not spend. She started feeling dizzy and realized she was holding her breath.

A different nurse was reading something on the computer screen beside her mom's bed and shouted over the din.

"It says, do not resuscitate.", nobody looked up from what they were doing. “Where is a family member.", someone shouted, they were looking for her.

"I'm here. Celine said her voice trembling. She forced herself to speak clearly. “I'm her daughter."

A minute later everyone was gone except for a doctor and a nurse. Celine was back at her mother’s side crying. "Ma'am, she has an advance directive, and she requested not to be resuscitated.", the doctor said, his tone clinical and well-rehearsed.

"I don't know what that means. I don't understand, why you are all just standing there?" She looked back at her mom and moaned.

"It means when it’s her time, she wants to go.", the nurse said, her voice sounded compassionate, and Celine was grateful she explained it plainly.

Celine clung to her mother, begging like a small child. "Mommy. Don't leave me."

The doctor’s voice softened. "I'm sorry ma'am. All we can do now is wait.” He put his hand on Celine’s shoulder and squeezed. “You might want to say your goodbyes." The nurse nodded her head in confirmation.

Taking her mother’s hand, she brought it to her lips. The icy extremities and lax muscles accentuated that death was near. Hesitant and with a voice choked with great feeling, she began to tell her mother what was in her heart. “Hey, Mom. It’s me, Celine.”, she said swiping at her tears and then rubbing her cheek against her mother’s hand.

“I probably didn’t tell you this enough but thank you for being my mom. I felt your love every day and I will keep it here.”, she patted her chest, “forever.”

“Don’t worry about me and Collette. We will take care of each other, and Dad too. And I’ll make sure Collette finishes school, and I’ll help Dad with the stables.”, she said, taking a big breath that turned into a sob.

Her voice was laden with unspent tears it was hard to let go. “You can go now. I know you’re tired. You fought so hard to stay. I know you did because you love us. I love you too, Mommy, so so much.”

Smiling through her tears, Celine clasped her mother’s hand, reached their hands up, and pointed her index finger to the heavens. In a semblance of how her mother used to point to the sky whenever she said, their special words. “I love you to the moon.”, Celine said, then brought her mother’s hand back to her cheek, tears wetting her mother’s limp fingers.

The doctor called the time of death.

Hanging up the phone with her dad, Celine was a mess. When her dad heard how upset she was he insisted on coming to the hospital. The only reason her father was not on his way right now was because she lied and told him that Phillip was there, handling the paperwork. But Phillip was nowhere to be found, and she was alone with no ride home.

She tried calling her husband again, but her hands were shaking so badly that she kept missing the call button. She needed to calm down. After a few deep breaths, she made the call, but his phone went straight to voicemail, again.

Where was he? He knew Mom was dying. She couldn’t drive like this. How was she going to get home?

By the time Celine pulled into the underground parking of the building they lived in, she was numb and tired. She had missed the turn to her street twice. It was a miracle she hadn’t gotten into an accident. All she wanted was her husband. Where was he?

Turning a corner she spotted his parked car, one of many in a line of resident parking. She felt the tension leave her body. She had imagined all sorts of scenarios for why he had not answered. Some of them were horrible.

Then she saw a car in her spot. She came to a stop and stared dumbfounded. What was she supposed to do? How could she go home if there was a car in her spot? Her brain was functioning at the level of a kindergartener. She burst into frustrated tears and the only thing she could think to do was double park, blocking both vehicles in. 

Opening the door to their penthouse Celine was triggered by the smells of home and burst into tears. She called out to her husband, "Phillip.", and then dropped everything by the front door in a clatter. Copies of forms bags full of her mother's things, keys, shoes, and the weight she carried in her chest; were abandoned in the entryway of their penthouse. She took a few steps into their spacious front room and heard music coming from their bedroom.

"Phillip.", she said close to hysterics as she stumbled through their penthouses’ open floor plan. All she needed now was to fall into Phillip’s arms and let him console her. She opened the bedroom door and the lights were out. “Bryson Tiller’s – Don’t” was playing on their sound system.

Celine whined softly at the dark room. Terrified and hiccupping, she patted the wall until she found the light switch, and the room illuminated.

There were no words for what she walked in on.