Chapter Two_ I wasn't worth anything

Jasmine.

I didn’t want to go back to that dreadful place.

If I had the financial stability to just hitchhike to England or some other faraway place, I would have done that immediately. The snide remarks, the disappointment, the comparison between Amanda and I, the choking loneliness I felt when I was there.

Without the one person in the world who actually made it bearable.

i ignored the ache I felt in my heart every time I ignored Jane and Rachel texts and calls, ranging from questions where they asked why I left so abruptly to if I was okay. They were truly the only real friends and coworkers I made during my short stay in that state.

“I am pretty sure you would be one of those old ladies who keeps cats because she is just so scared to get a real one,” he had said to me that cold winter morning.

Amanda had gone on some kind of scavenger hunt with my mom and Charles, so we had the whole house to ourselves. Dressed in thick coats and fur boots, we drank hot cocoa from the cups I had decided to get for him as a Christmas gift.

I huffed, “I have you.”

I had no idea how I missed the look of sadness in his eyes.

“Not every time.”

I took a sip of my drink as my eyes roamed. How could I feel so dead inside while everything about the day was just so sunny and perfect. Soft country music played in the background. It was perfect for a date. Steven would have loved it.

I placed my glass down on the table as my gaze fell on the gardener who was currently tending the tiny patch of land my mom had thought would be the perfect place to start her gardening. She didn’t make it past day one.

The gardener became sort of a father figure to me during my teenage years in the Castor mansion.

“Back so soon?” he asked the moment he raised his eyes off from his work and saw me sitting quite leisurely, “I did not know you had a death wish.”

"Did you miss me so much you couldn't resist coming back?" He teased, swatting me playfully on the head.

The eye-roll that followed his question came out quite easily. It was easy to be myself with Gardener Jared.

“I got fired from my job. Someone in this household pulled the strings”

It was easy to say the truth. He didn’t judge me too harshly.

Gardener Jared swallowed a lot of bullshit when it came to this household because of me. I was fourteen when I ran to his cubicle, tears straining down my eyes because my mom had forgotten about my dads memorial service and then promptly forbade me from going.

He placed a hand on my shoulder, his eyebrows furrowed together.

“I wished I could help you in a much better way,” he patted my shoulder, his eyes conveying everything he wasn’t able to say.

“He would have helped you in a much better way than I could ever dream of.”

And yet, the one time I truly needed him, he disappeared from the face of the earth.

I swallowed a lump. If Gardener Jared knew what happened the night before he left, I wondered if he would still look at me with those tender and loving eyes. If he would still speak to me kindly.

“Is anyone actually in?” I asked the dreaded question.

But before he could get a word out, the familiar choking scent of Charles became apparent. His tall, muscular presence takes over all the energy in the garden. It was either I developed asthma overnight or I was just not breathing properly, as Charles Castor set his eyes on me.

He didn't look happy.

“I wasn’t expecting you today. This is a pleasant surprise.” he said, his tone monotone and bored. I had obviously interrupted something.

He probably brought one of his mistresses over.

I swallowed the large lump threatening to strangle me, “It shouldn’t be a surprise because I am well aware the order came from this household. An abuse of power”

Charles took the seat close to me. His eyes never left mine as he leaned back in the chair. “That job wasn’t beneficial to you or this family in any way, dear. Don’t act like we didn’t do you a huge favour.”

I gritted my teeth to stop myself from pointing out the obvious flash of red hair and a hardly clad woman walking out from the mansion, with reckless abandon. Tears burned at the back of my eyes at the level of adultery my mom had to contend with.

The smirk on his lips told me he knew I had seen her. He just didn’t care.

I rolled my eyes, “Where is Amanda?”

“Work. Being a good girl,” was his reply, monotone and careful. “Just like I am supposed to be if you had stayed away for a little while longer.”

“i know you keep tabs on her. Tell me where she is…..”

“No, I won’t,” he interrupted, “You’re irrational. You’re dumb and you love to cause drama. I would never tell you where to find my daughter so you don’t cause problems for her or for me. I know you, Jasmine. I know the way you work.”

The lump was back, ready to strangle me. I wondered just how much Charles knew about me.

i drank the last of my now warm drink, “Thank you for wasting my time.”

My family was filled with the most toxic people.

I had no idea Amanda was an alcoholic. She came back at the dead of the night, staggering and yelling profanities at any who came close to her. Gardener Jared held unto her so she could be a bit steady.

I watched from the comfort of my room, with a drink nestled between my fingers.

She wouldn’t have anything worth my effort to say to me anyway.

But he made you promise to watch her whenever you could.

I ran so fast. Almost like my feet never left the ground.

My mom looked like a deer caught in headlights. Her eyes narrowed down when she saw it was just me, in my very revealing nightwear. “Have you no shame, child? Running around like you own the place.”

She never cared if her words ran deep. My mom wasn’t exactly a large or a small woman. She was just there. But as a lawyer, she knew exactly what to say to make sure her words made an impact.

I rolled my eyes, “I think that question should be pointed at the twenty five years old, who drank to her heart content and decided to interrupt my beauty sleep with her cussing…” my eyes found the clock, “t two twenty four in the fucking morning.”

The silence after was loaded with accusations. With the way mom’s eyes glistened, I thought I had actually done something.

Amanda chose that exact time to giggle about something. She had always been the cheerful drunk. And mom looked away from me.

“That job was stupid,” she said simply, “We did you a favour.”

The stupid lump was there again, threatening to strangle me as I fought back tears. My chest caved in as I watched the one person I hoped for her approval act all loving towards someone else, while my heart ached for even an inch of her approval.

“And now what? What do you want with me?” I asked, watching her, “I won’t practice in the firm. I got that degree to please you and Dad, but I won’t practice.”

Amanda was asleep now. She had drool running down from the side of her mouth and onto the kitchen counter. Mom placed her hand on her shoulder, but she fixed her gaze on me.

"Get up, let's get you in bed....."

“No,” it sounded like a scream in my head, “I just need to know why you actually did what you did. Nothing more, mom.”

“You of all people should understand why I needed to leave.”

And every time I needed her to believe me, she failed to do so, or she turned the other way around. I was the disappointment that reminded her of her late husband. I wasn’t worth her love once my father died.

I wasn’t worth anything.