Chapter 3

I was scared of seeing the doctor. It could be because I already knew what the answer would be, or perhaps the fear of what I would do after hearing it from another person. Or the realization that my life was about to change in ways I didn’t need it to.

I always thought it couldn't be much worse for me than they’ve been, but color me surprised when I realized that I lost the only opportunity to fashion that I had because of that drunken escapade. I couldn’t call it a mistake, because it was me in my courageous phase, and I had to take the consequence like the big girl I am. I also won’t say things were worse, they just changed drastically, and I think I’ve established that change wasn’t something I needed right now in my life. It wasn’t even something I needed at all.

I hated my life. 

The one time I decided to be free and did what I wanted to do, look where that got me. I was being punished for being nonchalant for just one day. People who had been nonchalant and careless all their lives were never punished this way. So, why me?  

The universe was being cruel to me. 

Or maybe just what I needed in my life right now. Even though I couldn’t figure out why this was my blessing in disguise.

I let out a very deep sigh.

"What am I going to do, Lara?" I asked out, blinking fresh tears out of my sight.

"It'll be okay. We will get through this together." Lara whispered and rubbed my back. I buried my face on her shoulder and cried until I couldn't anymore. Until it felt as if the tears washed my worries away, and the only evidence to my plight is the slight ache in my head and my clogged nose.

"You have to go to the hospital." She said as she pulled me up and made me sit on the couch. She filled a glass with water and made me drink it before returning it to the kitchen.

She’s been saying that since she got here yesterday. After she saw the amount of test sticks I had used. We both knew there was no denying that I was pregnant, and the only reason I needed the doctors was for other things, and not confirmation that I am indeed carrying. 

There can’t be so many false positives, now can there?

She noticed the hesitation on my face and before I could even say anything, she raised a finger and pressed it on my lips.

"We will go together. I will be with you every step of the way." She murmured as she held me in her arms. 

Lara was my soulmate. She had been there for me in numerous ways my real sister would never have thought of. She was the only one I had. My everything.

--

The trip to the doctor’s office went just as I expected, just a crystal realization that I had a two-month old fetus growing in me. She expressed that it was quite natural how I didn’t show symptoms that I was pregnant when we asked questions, and had me fill in forms, talk about coming with the father the next time I came and handed me my ultrasound pictures. It all went by so fast I didn’t have time to process it all.

It wasn’t until the ride back that everything started sinking in. I was two months pregnant, with no contact with the father, no job at hand, no support. Nothing. I couldn’t believe it, that I could be this careless, I could be in the shoes of characters that I’ve scorned. Tears filled my eyes, and I did nothing to make them stay. 

I heard that the Almighty dealt out what they thought you could handle, but I think they overestimated my strength. 

“I love you.” Lara’s voice rang out to me.

I thought about what to do in the middle of my bathroom while trying to get ready for bed, wiping my face to get rid of tear stains. Lara tried to help me settle my head in bed, tears soaking my pillow as I thought about everything that has happened these past months, while also trying to think about what my life would be like now that I had one more mouth to feed, and the conclusion I arrived at again made me ashamed of myself. 

Why would I ever think of abortion? What gave me the right? What made me think I could decide that without even trying to reach out for help. I could be okay with the right support. I didn’t need to have the world before I was comfortable.

I could live with myself being a little clumsy, still trying to comprehend how things got to this point, how little more chances I had and didn’t take. I could live with trying to grab opportunities for the rest of my life, but I couldn’t live with the thought of not giving them the life I never got to live, I couldn’t live with the thought of stealing away life from them, not allowing them to blossom. I could forgive anything, but doing that to an innocent soul would make me exactly what I tried to run from. A monster.

_

Days went by with me trying for jobs and explaining to Lara how I need a job to survive, why I’d starve without one, but my best friend kept up with how people who were expecting didn’t even need to lift their spoons because they had partners who’d do that for them already, then me reminding her that I didn’t have a one, and her getting angry about how I forgot she had me, as my best friend, husband, and god-mother.

I realized then, smack faced, that Lara wasn’t in my plans, I forgot I had the best support already. 

And then the cycle started all over again when I dressed up for interviews even though I knew they were going to tell me they didn’t need me because they wouldn't be able to afford my maternity leave.

The first time I heard the baby's heartbeat, I had Lara by my side, holding my hand and sporting the same red rimmed eyes and snot filled face with me. Even the nurse couldn’t keep her smile when Lara blurted that it looked as tiny as a peanut when she showed us the baby.

That was the wakeup call that I needed. The only saving grace I had right now would be Lara and my baby.

And as much as I say this isn’t the change I needed in my life right now, things changed so much from that day, from me trying to make do with working part time at Lara’s salon, even though all I ever did was lights, to doctor appointments, and trying to forgive myself of the discovery that things would never be the same.