Chapter 5

“Lea, you need to set the lights” I heard Lara’s voice call out. 

“Please, do be mindful”

“Yeah, uh huh. I can do that without risk of breaking my neck, can’t I?”

She gave me a reply that sounded more like a grunt than a spoken word and I just laughed it off.

She did that very often now, clamoring safety and how she wanted a healthy god-son. I did very little in her salon, but still got paid, enough for my bills, enough for feeding.

Enough to make me stop thinking about the hell I would’ve sunk into if I didn’t have her as my back bone. But that didn’t mean I stopped looking for jobs. I can’t depend on her forever, even if she swears to me that her parents’ wealth is hers, and she’d be my husband and friend. I need to do more for when the baby comes, which isn’t so much time to prepare. She can spoil Pea as much as she wants when she’s here, but we won’t feed from her purse. It isn’t as if she’s living for me. I don’t want to think of how it’d be without her these past months.

I pulled out of my thoughts and gave her a small smile.

The ride back had me listen to Lara explain how slim the possibility of finding true love at twenty-one, building a family and living happily ever after is. I tried mentioning so many people we know living well at that age, doing exactly what she thinks is impossible, but she keeps telling me that they regret it. They regret not living a little, regret giving up their youth for something so substantial it takes up the rest of their whole lives. She’s not wrong, but I don’t believe she’s right either. It could be half of those people.

Others could be content. And it could be the other way around, with half content and the other half regretting the life they chose. But can anyone live a life without regret? Are there people that are fulfilled?

“I’m not saying they regret every passing moment, or that they wish to turn things back, but they don’t always like how things are going. They see their mates doing what they can’t, what they’d be able to do if they didn’t have that in their hands, and they think about what it’d be like.” She said as she stopped at a red light and turned to look at me.

“Lea, this doesn’t mean they are not happy, or content but that they sometimes wish things could be different. Sometimes wonder how things would be if they didn’t make those choices. And it’s not only about marriage and babies. I still regret not getting that navel piercing when I see people rocking them.”

I laughed.

“You can still get it now. Let’s go get it.”

She replied with her own laugh.

“Some things hurt, some are fated to be, and some don’t work, but the thing is they survive even while they regret, wish, hope. I just wish we’d get to live the life we want, even in the midst of regrets and content.”

I could only nod, because even at twenty-four, the thought of losing the only chance I had to my night of mistake made me understand everything she tried to explain. I was happy, I tried to be fine, but I still regret that night. I still think back to what my life would be like now without that night, without my pregnancy.

But sometimes I also think about the possibility that this baby is my escape. From the unseen, maybe heartbreak, or living the end of my life as the cat lady, with no children but dozens of cats and serving cookies to kids when they come. 

And maybe I shouldn’t say I regret it, maybe it should be that I wish things could be better.

I chuckled to myself and Lara looked at me weirdly.

“Do you know you’ve been doing that a lot these days?”

“What?” I asked her.

“Staying alone in your head and reacting out. The last time I caught you talking to yourself.” She replied.

“Huh?”

“Is this what they call pregnancy brain?”

“Lara, you can’t say that to anyone other than me” I couldn’t help laughing at the face she made.

“Woman, how many pregnant women do you think I know?”

I blew a raspberry at her as she parked in front of my apartment.

“Hey. Eeew. You’re lucky I’m not stopping by today,” she patted my bump. “Aunt Lara is going home now, but she'll be back tomorrow. Now get your swollen self out of my car and don’t skip dinner.”

“Goodnight. I love you.”

“I love you too. Bye, bitch.”

The conversation with Lara won’t leave me even as I had my dinner. I kept wondering why what she said stuck with me. I knew I didn’t have the chance at the life I wanted right now, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t after I give birth, or maybe later. 

‘If only the world worked that way.’ 

Even without a baby, I lost chances to prettier, wealthier people. I mean, I’ve been competing with my sister since I was born, and there was nothing holding me back then. It didn’t mean anything to me now when I wish for a better life. My life is better as it is now, I just need to work hard to maintain it.

I wiped the stray tears that streaked down my face and dropped my plate in the sink. I was about to switch off the light to prepare for bed when my phone rang.

I didn’t recognize the number. Who could it be at 9 pm?

I bounced options in my head and decided to pick it. I’d scold myself about the potential danger I was putting myself in later.

“Hello?”

“Miss Azalea Hawthorne?” The voice on the other side asked. 

Oh shit. OMG

“Speaking.” I answered calmly, though I was curious as hell. 

“I’m sorry that we are calling this late at night. This is Ash Studios, it’s to my knowledge that you came in for a job interview last Thursday.”

“Uh, yes I did.”  It was one of the companies that told me to go home and wait for their call.

“Ah, I’m calling from the secretary's office. I’d like to inform you about your acceptance to the studio as the wardrobe assistant. I'd send you the file attachment to the email you provided. I’d love a reply from you by next Monday. Thank you for your time.”

The beep of the hung call pulled me out of whatever trance I fell in. A company wants a pregnant woman. A company reached out. A COMPANY REACHED OUT!!  

I dialed Lara’s number as fast as I could to give her the good news.

“Tell me you are fine and I don’t need to ride out tonight.” She said in a bored tone as she answered the call.

“No, Lara, no. A company called me now. Just now.” I informed her.

“I told you to stop with late night pranks, babe.”

“I understand how it seems, but I swear Ash Studios called me now. They want me. I swear, they want me.”

I knew that moment she believed me, because her scream almost gave me a scare.

I could hear her breathing quicken, her pacing around and I couldn’t stop the smile from growing on my face.

“Are you serious? Ash Studios?”

“Uh huh”

“Ash Studios? Babe, do you know how big it is? Have you seen their last collection? Do you know how many people hope to work there? Not to talk about the owner, have you seen him. OMG, he’s to die for. Noah Hale is like the most eligible bachelor of this century. Oh shit, you’d be breathing the same air as him, you might even see him. You’d be able to…”

I allowed her to express her excitement as she could. There’s no one else to call about it, so why not just allow her?

I smiled at her voice on the other side of the phone. Phew, I’d have to allow her to tire herself out.

“Lara, I think you need to breathe, and we’d talk about it better tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I want every detail. Good night, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

That night, I slept with a smile on my face, worries gone and hope blooming in my chest. 

I dreamt about a better life. A beautiful life that closed this chapter of my life.