Chapter 4

Things were going so well after I came to terms that it is what it is. It is whatever I make it. My decision to have the baby would make so many chances at bravery. It is also a testament that I am a very strong person with a good heart, and I am better than what others says I am. It also helped that I had someone to help me.

There were also some things that still Lara and I need to put behind us, one of them being her insisting on finding the father of the baby and telling him. A topic she’s not willing to drop even now. I don’t know how else to explain to her how almost impossible that was. 

“Lara, I keep telling you that I could do that if there’s any way to do it. I don’t even know this man’s name, what should I do, ehn? Go to the club and describe him to them, tell them I slept with him and now I’m pregnant?” I sighed in exasperation.

“We can check with the club, yes”

“And who’s going to go? What are we going to say when we get there? That we want to see if they can help us recognize the man I slept with. Do you what that would make me?”

“I can ask when we get there. I can be the one to go there and help with whatever information you need”

“Why are we even talking about this when I’ve told you I don’t want to discuss it?”

“Because I don’t want you or Pea to miss out on the opportunity of knowing who this man is. I don’t want you regretting not even trying”

“Lara, I promise you that I won’t regret this. Do you know how much I wish I could just call him to tell him that we conceived? I don’t think you know how often I dream about Pea growing up knowing and knowing who father is, but I won’t stoop to that. I don’t want the world knowing what I did. I’m not ashamed of my pregnancy, but I’m also not willing to make the whole world know how it got to be.” I could hear the frustration in my tone, and tried blinking the tears out of my face.

“I’m very sorry” Lara said, sinking into the couch she was sitting on.

Maybe it was how sincere she sounded, or maybe it was how tired I was from discussing what was never going to be, but I was willing to put this behind me and never visit it again. I went to her and tried pulling her up. When she looked at me puzzled, I just chuckled.

“Come on, I need a hug”

That got her on her feet, crushing me in a hug as tight as she could.

“I’d tell my parents though. That’s the one thing I can do right now” I told her, resting my head on her shoulder

I decided it was better to tell my parents that they are soon to be grandparents. It wasn’t an overnight decision. It took one month of preparation and almost two weeks of pep talk from Lara, who was laughing right now.

“What’s making you laugh?”

“I knew you were going to tell them. As much as you say you hate them and fear their reactions, you’re not one to keep news this big from them.”

I laughed at that. As much as my parents weren’t really my parents, but merely figureheads filling the title, this is not something I should keep from them. I think they should know. Not that the deserved to, but so I could prevent trouble when the news ends up reaching them.

“I can go with you if you want me to”

“You would?” I know she’d drop everything and follow me to the ends of earth if I tell her to, but I just needed the reassurance.

“Definitely, you hardheaded pregnant person” she replied while rolling her eyes.

“I’d like to do this on my own, Lara. Thank you very much for everything”

“You keep forgetting we don’t say thank you in this relationship. You’ve been saying it very often”

“I just want you to know how much you mean. And how much I appreciate you”

“And I’m sure I keep telling you that I know that, and that it’s okay to accept it” she replied, giving me a peck on my cheek, one that made me smile.

“I love you, Lara”

“And I love you, Azalea”

I’d call you when I’m back from my parents. I promise to leave that place alive and whole” I laughed, but I could feel my heart beating out of rhythm.

My heart still wasn’t beating regularly when I got out of the taxi in front of my parent’s house, and I could feel it almost burst out of my chest when I rang the doorbell. My father was the one that came to open the door, and the look of irritation didn’t drop when he saw I was the one on their doorstep. I smiled nervously at him, giving him the very curt greeting we always exchanged before he moved to allow me in.

“I’m sure you’re here to say you took the job back” my mom said while she entered the living room, skipping pleasantries, looking as she always does, face full of make-up and donned in a dress that could feed me for a whole year. 

“Erm, no, but I came here with a different news” I decided it’d be better to cut to the chase “I’m pregnant” I said, willing my heart to be quiet. 

My parents looked as if they were about to burst into laughter, but I think they saw the nerves written so boldly on my face, because my mother’s face changed from irritation to anger.

“Get out” 

Through my ride to their house, I played different scenarios, but her response wasn’t one I could ever have imagined. 

I felt that if I sat there, heart in my throat, that she’d realize how scared I am. But I didn’t stop to think that my parents never cared about me, and expecting them to care when I’ve decided to soil their name is the most, so I pulled myself up from the couch I was on and walked towards the front door.

“Goodbye, Mum, Dad. I’m sorry” 

They said nothing to that, and I felt my tears spill freely once I was out of their sight. I called Lara as soon as I got home, and we decided that was for the best. I don’t need them.

I was free from them.