“KAYLA…WHERE ARE YOU?” My mom’s raised voice snaps me out of euphoria, and Dane and I jump apart. Ending the kiss abruptly and turning to look at his closed bedroom door beside us. Bodies are tingling and now creating distance as though we had been sparked by something to separate us. Dane mouths a cuss word under his breath.We can hear my mom padding down the hall and a door creak as she checks out the guest room, calling my name again. She must have been in mine to say goodnight and realized I wasn't there. If she catches us here like this, she will go crazy. I don’t know how to explain why I was in his bedroom in the dark with him after I said I was going to bed. She will immediately know by looking at me that we are doing something we shouldn’t be doing.My guilt and panic start ripping through me at a hundred miles an hour, and I lose my problem-solving ability.“What do we do?” I whisper to Dane, fear gripping me and my body icing up. Dane frowns, takes a heavy breath, then rea
“Earth to Kayla!” Elisa taps me on the temple with her pen and makes me jump out of my daydream with a start.“What?” I was miles away, lost in brain fog and a million stupid thoughts about last night.“You were so close to drooling with a wide mouth and vacant expression that it was frightening. I thought the body snatchers had gotten you.” Elisa smiles, jesting, and turns back to face forward, pulling her notebook closer and carrying on. Her red hair sweeping down to half conceal her face again, and I often wonder how that does not annoy her. Writing through her hair on her splayed notebook. “We’re copying from the projector, by the way… in case you have no idea what we are doing!” She points out, raising her pen to gesture in front of us, and I blink ahead, seeing an entirely new slide of notes our lab tech has put up for us. We’re in Biology, normally one of my favorite classes, and I have spent most of it zoned out. If I am being honest, this is how my entire day has gone, and th
“I wish I didn’t.” I drop back to my arms propped on the desk, resting my chin in my palms, and watch her scribble notes. No will to do it myself. She is as diligent as always. She has them word for word, highlighted, and added notations. She has been keeping up with the slide changes while I have been pondering everything wrong with my day. “Life would be so much simpler if I still hated him.”“You never hated him,” Elisa replies far too quickly and seems annoyingly know it all. She didn’t even have the grace to lift her face from taking notes to say it.“I did so.” I point out in slight irritation.“Nope… never. You got annoyed by him, angry at him, even upset, but I don’t think you have ever actually hated him. You would cave fast the second you thought anything bad was happening with him…. Dane has always been your Achilles heel.”I open my mouth to deny it and then don’t. I stop and ponder this for a long moment and find no argument in her statement.It makes me feel all the more
My head scrambles into sense faster than when he did this to me last night, and even though Dane kissing me is quickly becoming a weakness, my sense of indignation intervenes and push him away. Not quite ready to jump into smooching without him having said very much at all. It’s so sudden, and too much is going on in my head after being avoided all day to be satisfied with a kiss.“You can’t just make a statement like that and then kiss me…. This isn’t us talking about it. This is you just informing me of your intention and then acting on it. If that’s even what this is…. I’m not a mind reader, Dane. I need actual words!” I don’t even know why I have an issue with this. He’s doing what my heart has wanted for a long while. He wouldn’t kiss me like this if he didn’t intend something to happen with us, so I don’t know where the doubt stemmed from. He’s pushed me away enough times to prove it.“I figured actions speak louder than words. A kiss is pretty self-explanatory.” Dane brushes cl
I cannot calm the internal flutterings and speedy heart rate while I wait for Dane to appear. Pacing around the kitchen like some demented freak because we agreed to change clothes and come in here as soon as Monique leaves to run errands. No one else is home, and we’ll be alone for at least an hour before my mom returns. I cannot focus on anything, and my appetite evades me, so making a snack is pointless. It’s been a whole thirty minutes since we got back, but as Monique is vacuuming the hall, I know Dane is probably taking his time to change and come down. It made more sense than going to one of our rooms and being unable to explain that if we got caught together, seeing as we have not been friends while living here.Not that it should matter, as we’re allowed to be in the same room at the same time without it being weird, but I guess we both needed some space once we got here. I know I did.I’m a frazzled mess of nerves.“Hey, sexy.” Dane swaggers in, seemingly not in the same st
“Stop making me feel like there’s something wrong with me for it. I’m not cool with that. I hate when you say it.” I point out, breaking my mild temper and sighing, that this topic brought a real issue I had not even considered to my doorstep.Sex.My heart sinks now that it’s glaringly obvious and in my face and a hurdle we have to cross.Dane is used to it, seems to have it frequently and I am so not even close to being someone ready to take that step. I haven't even thought about it and what having a boyfriend changes, given I don’t want to go there yet. That’s a whole other thing I never considered in what we were starting. I don’t even know when he expects it.Is it weird to want him, want to date him, but not want to have sex with him? The mere thought of sex gives me sweats and has my heart palpitating in cold-blooded fear.“There’s nothing wrong with it….I’m sorry…. I’ll stop. It’s a non-issue.” Dane slides closer to me, lifting his hand to trace a thumb across my cheek before
Dane leads the way to the two over-plumped cream sofas in our TV lounge and heads to put the glasses on the center oak coffee table. In here, it’s comfy and peaceful and not that big a room, and as he swoops to turn on a channel, I know it’s in case anyone comes home and wonders why we are in here together. It’s not like we often hang out to watch a show together, if ever. He sets it to medium volume, just enough to cover our voices should we fail to hear anyone return, like Monique or my mom. And can confidently say this is all easily explainable should a surprise parent walk in.“So….” he finally turns, watching how I slide down into the comfiness of stuffed seating and follows to sit beside me. The way we are turned has us knee to knee, yet it somehow feels closer.“So…” the nervousness still lingers, and my hands get clammier, my chest heaving because this is making me weirdly antsy. It feels like we have reached the step off point to things getting real. “I guess we figure this
“If you know how….have ability…then why have you been jumping on me for every class project since forever? Why not just do the work?” I snap, somehow incensed that all thesi time he let me believe he was incapable and uneducated and he could do it all this time. “You’ve been acting dumb, lazy, and lying this whole time.”Dane shrugs, leans back to his previous position, and lounges with an infuriating gleam in his eye.“Hey…I never once said I couldn’t do the work, just that I didn’t want to…that’s not a lie… Besides, I got to bug you and hang out…I also didn’t give my dad any reason to act like a proud father of the year… really, Babe… I gave you a chance to shine and become the family's golden child.”“You’re….” The words die on my tongue, and I exhale in sheer frustration at this stubborn ass and his flawed logic. Annoyed by him and his outright arrogance.“Smarter than I look? I know….sexier than you want to admit? True…. Pissing you off….for sure, but I still like you. Don’t be m
Here I am, wallowing in pain and heartbreak, thinking that he, too, must be having a really hard time. It’s the only comfort I have been able to give myself in all of this, and yet it’s not even true. He’s over there living it up with another girl, making friends, and even going to school with her. The fact no one wants to tell me means it’s far from innocent, and I don’t want to believe he would move on so fast, yet something tells me this is his style.This is exactly the kind of shit Dane of the past would pull.Didn’t he try throwing all in with that shrew Charmaigne in an attempt to dislodge my feelings for him? Maybe knowing we can never be together, he has gone down the route of replacing me as fast as he can. Don’t they say the faster way to get over someone is to get under someone new?He slept with other girls in his past to try and forget me, and now here he has a ready-made wannabe girlfriend living in his new home. If he really wanted to get over me, she is the perfect st
School was tougher today than yesterday. I think it’s the inability to sleep and the slow loss of Dane’s belongings and possessions at home, feeling like I am trying to grasp onto fine dry sand and can’t keep it between my fingers. Every time I close my eyes, I see him, and the overwhelming sadness stops me from being able to shut off my brain and roll over this mess again and again until I feel like I'm going slowly insane.I never knew love could be so awful.“You okay?” Elisa interrupts my spaced-out mood and pulls me back to the burger in my hand that I have barely touched. Sighing as I stare back out the window blankly at my jeep parked nearby and nod.“A million miles away. Sorry.”We decided to come out and eat after we dropped off my paternity test at the lab out here, only ten miles from home. Tyler had something to do with his friends, so Elisa and I decided to hang out here, take in some scenery, and try a burger bar to take my mind off of things.It wasn't hard. I put a sw
“I know, I know…I’m working on it. I never thought your mom would take it as badly as she is and dig her heels in. I’m sorry it seems like we’re stalling but it’s just you know how she can be. She needs time to calm down and change her mind.” Bryan looks weary all of a sudden, and now my anger dims a slight tiny fraction at his attempts to douse my fire, I cannot deny that he seems unnaturally pale today.A tiny hint of empathy and maybe even concern peeks out, and I try and push it back down into the pits of hell and remind myself that these two humans deserve anything they are going through. I don’t want to feel anything for either of them.“Maybe you should ask yourself why she is stalling….maybe you need that test as much as I do.” I point out, appraising his expression and seeing real fatigue etched on his face for the first time in as long as I can remember, and I wonder how much of a mental toll it's taking on him, too. Maybe he does have doubts, or maybe losing Dane this way h
I’m tired already, and it’s only eleven AM, and another class is starting. I regret coming back today, given last night I barely slept and instead cried myself raw on Dane's empty bed. Draped in the hoody that he wore the first time we took Elisa to the cove and staring at the mountain of boxes Monique packed up to send abroad for him. A symbolic tower of everything that is him ready to be sent far away.His room felt like she had stripped all personality that was Dane from its very air, as though he never existed in this space. Even his smell was gone, and as I lay there on the uncovered mattress, I couldn’t move or leave, and sleep wouldn’t take me. Just a useless heavyweight of flesh tethered to the last place he dwelled and unable to move on.I feel like I am now existing in an eternal zombie state, caught between numb and excruciating pain at any given moment, and my mind is anywhere but on school. But I know I cannot keep existing this way. Dragging out and holding onto nothing.
“She went to the airport early to wait for Bryan…to avoid me, I guess. Things here have been strained and hard, and we have come to a silent cold war. I can’t stand being in the same place as her, yet she insists now we eat together again and won’t let me stay locked up in my room. She had a carpenter come and remove the locks….who does that?” It’s a tired accusation, lacking real vavoom, even if it still angers me that she did it. I have long since lost the fight I had to stay away from her at all costs. She is like a buzzing fly around my head, and it’s easier to obey and eat silently while ignoring her presence than have her hammering down my door.If she’s trying to force normalcy back into this house, then she shouldn’t hold her breath for it to happen.“Sounds like something your mom would do.” Tyler snorts, and I am starting to see that all these years, Dane has definitely colored his friend’s view of my mom. As polite as Tyler was when he was here before, I have never actually
“Oh my god, I missed you so much.” Elisa catapults herself into my arms, almost knocking me into our pool with the enthusiasm of an over-excited puppy, then nearly strangles me to death while simultaneously crushing my ribs. Her excitement is palpable, and her hug is overdue. I regret now giving her the silent treatment for ten days before being able to find the mental strength to tell her everything in a phone call. I had no way of verbalizing things without breaking down in hysteria until last night, and I knew Tyler would have told her already, but she needed to hear it from me. I have never gone silent on my best friend in my whole life or hidden away Dane style like his, but I needed time to process and grieve. This was such a huge thing that I spent too many days crying in bed until no more tears fell. I am exhausted and now exist in some odd dreamlike reality where nothing seems real.I think I am finally spent. Tears have dried up, and instead of the constant agonizing pain of
“You have to eat, open the door. We need to talk.”“Go away…. Leave me alone.” My anger and venom have not dissipated any; instead, it grows by the hour. Irritated by my mom’s lingering presence because she just won’t leave me alone.Her whiny, pleading voice only riles fresh anger in me, and I throw my pillow at my bedroom door in frustration. Annoyed by her presence, and go back to staring at my cell, waiting for a reply that hasn’t come. I feel like I am going silently insane, and time has come to a standstill. I don’t know what else to do but sit here and wait given my entire existence has been turned upside down and my hope for any future is so far away I cannot reach him.Dane has been gone for days, yet he hasn’t called, he hasn’t texted me back, and Bryan has been silent, too, like they were sucked into some soundproofed bubble where all contact has ceased. For me, anyway. I don’t know if my mother speaks to them because I can't stomach her at all, even for a second, to have o
“Bullshit…this is bullshit. You’re lying.” Dane erupts before I can really swallow down the words that have wounded me with a sucker punch to my heart. “You’ve always hated me, and I wouldn’t put it past you to stoop this low and lie….so I break up with Kayla.” He half yells, half accuses, straining forward to get in her face, and I can taste the growing despair and anger circling him like a cyclone. “I don’t believe you.”“This isn’t true…you would have told me…dad would have….” I trail off, whimpering the words as something clicks in my head and slices through me with speed and severity, making my legs tingle, and my limbs grow weak. “Is that why? Why has he been this way towards me for the past ten years?”I don’t want to believe this or swallow it down, but it’s like something just smacked me in the head and woke up the underlying doubts.It races through my brain and thunders through my entire body like a shocking cold wall of ice. Tingling my brain through my scalp, and even my
“Mom.” Is the only word I can gasp out as I push Dane off me at speed and scramble to right my bra inside my shirt and haul my shorts back into place. Shame flushing over my entire body that we just got caught this way, and I want the ground to open and swallow me. Mortified about what they saw us doing and yet, at the same time, hitting an all-time ‘oh shit’ moment because I don’t want this to be the end. I don’t want Dane to be sent to London. I don’t want to lose him this way.I have an urge to wail and run away, taking him with me rather than face the wrath of our parents like this. My limbs are already trembling in cold fear.Dane shifts away quickly, too, to tend to his pulled-around outfit, turning away directly to probably calm the boner, causing him an obvious trouser tent, and yet it’s like time stands still. The sudden eery, heavy atmosphere and tense silence as though the world has hushed and the only noise is my mother’s subtle simpering.Our parents are standing like a f