“Are you not feeling well, honey? You have barely touched your food.” My mom breaks my daydreamy gaze at the half-finished meal I was pushing around with my fork, and I sit up in guilty response. Clearing my throat and pasting on a brighter, less zoned-out expression. I had been lost in my mind as everything that happened today caught up with me. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.“What, um no…I’m just tired and not that hungry.” I try not to glance to my left where Dane is sitting, seeing as he decided to join us for dinner tonight after we spent an hour making out on the couch before anyone came home. The guilt and awkwardness in me are strong, and I’m not convinced my mom cannot see a change in me or suspect my chapped lips were not from forgetting lip balm like I told her.I guess I am partly sitting here like a zombie because I’m trying to adjust to this bare-faced lie of an existence now we are all together. When she got home, I had to lie to her to explain my disheveled appe
Dane lets me hold onto his arm and wrist as I slide from behind him on that thundering torpedo he calls a bike. Thanking the powers above, we got here in one piece. My legs are a little Bambi on ice, given I have just been through the most exhilarating yet frightening journey of my life and was only finally starting to get used to it when we arrived.“How was it? Still think it’s a deathtrap?” Dane Smirks, sliding my visor up for me after hauling off his helmet and ruffling his hair back to its chaotic sexy before leaning in to help me with the strap of mine which I’m already fumbling with. I stay still while he unclips it under my chin with practiced hands, staring at how handsome he looks when focused on doing so.“Verdict is still out, although, for the last ten minutes, I didn’t feel like I was clinging on for dear life or about to have a stroke. It sort of got okay.” I point out, unable to admit that after I got used to how to mold to him as we turned and moved and that the speed
“Can you even do that?... Stay out of trouble, I mean?” I ask in utter seriousness, given Dane, who I know is always in trouble. “I have the motive to learn….after tying myself to the school good girl for the considerable future, I am in very real danger of becoming single otherwise, and I am only discovering the joys of a girlfriend. I have to learn fast how to behave.” He jests, loosening his hold to slide his hand back down to mine to return to our previous position to tug me towards the water. “As long as you remember, the goal is you being a better human and student and not corrupting me.” I point out, sass returning now my moment of doubt is passing.“Never…I happen to like you the way you are….even if I know for a fact you probably don’t even know what beer tastes like, need careful handling most of the time, and own zero sexy lingerie.”“Hey,” I slap out at him for what seems to be an insult, getting triggered by his immature chuckle as he dodges me and jumps away. Letting g
“You look tired.” Elisa slides down beside me in our first class of the day, given she told me not to wait for her this morning as she was running late. Seemingly fresh and bright-eyed this morning, I am wafted with a new subtle banana smell that has me smiling. It’s been a while since she created something new and I was starting to think Tyler had made her lose her mojo.“I didn’t get much sleep…I am so wiped out today.” I add, turning to sniff her appreciatively and grin hard when she produces a bottle right in front of my face. Small and yellow, a spray pump with a lemon liquid inside and a cutesy banana logo she obviously designed. Elisa takes great care in every part of product design.“It’s a body mist. Try it and let me know what you think. Especially how long it lasts.” Elisa settles down to unpack, satisfied with my eager nod, and I stop what I am doing to examine the little bottle, pop off the lid, and spray myself eagerly.It’s like drenching yourself in the best parts of a
“You’re mad? Upset? Is it because of Maria? Nothing is happening there…. I told you not to take anything to heart that happens at school. We’re just being who we normally are. You are the girl I like and want. Nothing changes that. Xxx”His words break me down further, a wave of real, heartfelt tears at my foolishness drowning me. It’s like he found exactly the right words to catch the free-running, insecure bunny in my chest and pushed it back down its dark hole.Dane being so sweet and trying to soothe me from afar has me all kinds of messed up, and I wallow in shame and hurt, allowing myself a few seconds to cry.Even while gulping down stilted sobs and sniffing to control the worst of my breakdown, I try to type some coherent response, knowing for sure now I am being dumb. Desperate to explain to him because now he feels guilty for me being an idiot.“You called her Babe…. Yesterday you….. I start typing, then stop myself and genuinely pause, halting the flow of tears to ask myse
Balling a fist in my mouth to stifle a yawn and arching my back to get the creaks out from being hunched over for an hour in chemistry, I head down the hall with the last bell ringing overhead. Elisa left early for her dental today, so as kids woosh past me, chaotically escaping the building, I head down the lesser-used back hall. I’m too tired for the after-bell pushing and need some quiet time to get home and maybe take a night off.I have the shelter today, but I’m not feeling it and seriously think for the first time in forever, I might call in sick, get into bed with snacks and binge on a Netflix show. I’m emotionally and physically spent, and today, after the whole ‘Babe’ drama has me feeling dead.This is the stairwell I used the day Dane hauled me into the cleaner’s cupboard, but I know he won’t be lurking today. I’ve seen him off and on after this morning’s weird episode and we were better. Normal. His last class was one we don’t share today, and he's probably already out on
I am making myself feel sick with the churning over of this and pat myself down for my cell to text Elisa. Not that she will know what to do and might even be in her dental appointment. She was having her braces adjusted today. I just need someone to calm me down and distract me from these overwhelming thoughts.A tap on my passenger door scares the crap out of me, and I jump as my heart punches into my throat. Almost choking me. Scaring me half to death before it’s yanked open and Dane slides in, coolly, looking and acting like this is nothing more than a casual hello.“I wasn't sure you would wait, given how mad you seemed.” He brushes off the electrifying mood he just walked into with an airy statement that gets me screwing my eye up at him. At his unbotheredness.Is he really this bare-faced?I stare at him, aware my face is cold, meaning I'm probably unnaturally pale due to the blood draining down to my toes, and I know I have a glassy shine to my eyes like I might cry. I can fee
I stare at him in stunned quiet for a long moment, seeing Dane with fresh eyes. Trying to piece together the things he said and if they were true. Taking in that infuriating ‘ I don’t give a shit’ shrug and seeing that Dane is still Dane. He does not care about the heaviness of what he said or that protecting someone he wasn't even friends with was heroic. Deep down, he has always been that boy I thought was lost to me…staring me in the face in plain sight, even behind that mask of an asshole.“So today?” I finally manage to push out, my heart aching and swelling with a different kind of pain. Truly needing to understand what I saw if it was all a façade and he never did anything with her. What were they talking about?“She’s grateful. She wanted to tell me so… That’s all it was. A thank you for being a good guy and a promise not to ruin my street cred by telling people I was nice.” Dane shrugs again like it is nothing to him but a mere inconvenience, yet my brain is twisting and chur
“We can go to my study…Dane, just Kayla.” She adds as though he will follow and he probably was going to, but she’s right. Something started between her and I and should be resolved that way. Dane has been shielding me too much lately because of my inability to face more drama. I need to put my big girl panties back on. Her and Dane have nothing to say to one another anyway, and he will only put her on the defensive, which I want to avoid.“I’ll be close by….just yell if you need me…… Very close by.” Dane doesn’t lower his voice; instead gets louder with his warning tone, making it obvious to my mom that he doesn’t trust her, and I pat his arm to get him to release me.I slide out of his arms and follow my mom out of the kitchen, across the hall, and into the study without looking back, even though I can feel all their eyes follow me out. Already, my insides are like a washing machine because I do not know what exactly she intends to say to me.My mom is being weirdly quiet, too, and
“You four are making me feel chronically single.” Hannah huffs, pushing the cans of soda across the breakfast bar towards Elisa as Tyler opens up some bags of chips for us to share. We have a stack of pizza boxes waiting to dive into and a plan to darken the nook to spend the day eating junk and watching movies. Dane and I are too tired for anything else and feel like we are on some emotional comedown after a month of hell.“What happened to your Korean boyfriend? That distance could not separate you from?” Dane chimes in with obvious sarcasm oozing, while leaning into me from behind to deposit the dip we made. It’s clear to me that teasing Hannah is a full-time occupation when they are in the same room. She really is like his annoying younger sister, even if she is our age.“I am devoted to Min Yoongi, but I would like to experience a present boyfriend. Someone I can touch and laugh with.” Hannah sulks slightly, clearly regretting her life choices.“I can’t imagine anyone would want
My Dad never calls me, rarely picks mine up, and never texts either. So, seeing it now, flashing so invasively on my phone is enough to make my heart thud through my chest painfully.“Do you want me to give you space to take it?” Dane interrupts my obvious inability to move, breaking the spell it’s cast over me.“No…stay!” A sense of panic grips my stomach and throat, and the sudden cold wash of nerves sobers my good mood. Instantly afraid of what he is calling me for even though, logically, I know.My mom must have called him, or Bryan, at least.Maybe he wants to clarify…I don’t even know.“Are you going to answer it or keep staring at it?” Dane interrupts the deer in the headlight motion of me holding it at half arm’s length, and I blink at it, then him, and shake my head.“Do you need me to do it?”“I don’t know.” I sound terrified. I don’t think I have it in me to answer the call. There is so much grey area when it comes to my dad. So many times I have been hurt by him that faci
“Well, this is depressing.” Dane wheels his case into his old barren bedroom, gazing around at the emptiness even though all his furniture is still there. “It feels like someone else's room.”All the personality is gone without his things in here, and it smells like a fresh, floral hotel, thanks to Monique. His art, posters, pictures, trinkets and books are all gone, leaving empty walls, shelves, and surfaces where he used to have such an array of masculine things, more so after he moved in here permanently and brought it all from his mom’s house.“Imagine how it made me feel watching it get this way….you’re an ass.” I throw him a mock glare and get a kiss blown back at me.“I wanted you to miss me.” He winks and goes back to his case. In a happy mood ever since we started packing to come here.I gaze around, infected by his happiness, and yet sigh at the memories of being in here without him.Even the lack of his laundry tossed on the floor somehow makes this place impersonal. The be
“There’s a lot that this test result will change….I know now is probably not the best time to talk about where we go from here. You probably need to process it the same way we did, but I want you to know….I'm not going back to the UK. I’ll sort it out myself. Enroll back in school, find somewhere to stay, maybe with Tyler….” Dane sounds so far removed from the immature rebel of months ago who was forever making my life hell and living stupidly. He sounds like this experience has aged him so much.He has a sensible head on, his eyes set on the future and he’s not reacting one ounce to my mom. It’s like she no longer has any affect on him.“You’ll move back home, there is no argument in that. I’ll call the school and arrange for you to go in and re-enroll. I’ll call your mom and explain things. Don’t worry about anything. I told you, didn’t I… always your home and whenever you wanted to come back.”For being the fragile one here, Bryan seems to be the one most resigned and okay with thi
“Wait.” I tug Dane back by the hand he’s interlaced in mine, so he stops abruptly near Bryan’s room door, and I pull him to turn to me. Panick is overtaking my soul now we’re close to actually doing this. Walking in here it’s been growing inside of me like a building storm.All my bravado and anger have dissipated because I am so over trauma and tears in my life that I want to avoid any more conflict and run to hide instead. I think I have reached a point of fragility that my emotions don’t want to take anymore.My nerves are bubbling over, my heart is racing, and I'm swinging between cold and hot sweats that have my entire body flushed and trembling. I’m genuinely scared even though my mom is the one who should be.There is no more fight left in me. Not when the possibility of Dane being ripped away from me a second time is all too real, and that thought terrifies me more now I have lived it once. I can’t do that again. I won’t survive.“It’s going to be okay, I promise. We do this a
“Like what?” Hannah squeaks in outrage, crossing her arms on the table to lean in and peer at him, that he might be dissing the man of her dreams or her favorite band. Finding insult in that but nothing else he had said before this.“Your face,” Dane snaps back at her before flicking her in the forehead and pushing her back again.“Ughh.. See… Why is he like this? Is this what you put up with? How can you date him when he’s so awful?” Hannah throws her hands up in frustration, and yet all of this only makes me relax about what kind of relationship they had. If Elisa wasn't so feeble and gentle, I know this is how they would act together. At times, there are glimpses of it, but Elisa is too good-natured and cannot sass. There’s nothing in it.I can see the dynamic slowly opening up between them. She’s like an unwanted younger sibling he both doesn’t like but also does but is forced to take out with him. Annoyed by her presence, but I can tell they also have a sense of relaxed and comf
“You look nervous. Relax….What are you scared of?” Dane brushes my hair from my face for the third time, running a finger down my cheek before leaning in and pecking me lightly on the lips. Igniting the same burst of internal flutters, he always gives me, and a layer of warmth. Suddenly, in my world, everything feels right again, just having him by my side, but I still cannot escape this constant gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.“Every time I have seen this girl, I was a bitch to her….I’m still not ok with the fact you spent the last month with her while ignoring me.” Try as hard as I might, I cannot quench the sense of nausea and dread while sitting here waiting for her to show up. “I feel weird meeting her this way and under these circumstances.”I should never have agreed to this.It’s a clean, bright diner near the hotel they are staying at and the hospital, so we intend to stay here until we’re ready to face our parents and work out a game plan. Hannah is a formality I
“Deal…. I want my boyfriend back how he was. I don’t want to remember any of this shitty separation. Can we get back together?” I ask stupidly even though it’s obvious we are already making up. I just need him to say the words to help with the insecurity I am feleing after how cold he was. “I want my boyfriend back.”“Technically, babycakes, we never broke up. Neither of us said the words so we don’t need to get back together. He shrugs like this is the most logical thing ever, and I lean back to scowl at him.He does not get out of his asshole past four weeks that easily. The boy really is trying to pull a fast one.“Really?” I ask in obvious, oozing sarcasm. “Because I remember clearly a certain boy telling me he was going no contact and not coming back from the UK before he blocked me on absolutely everything….that was a very final break up even if you never said ‘the words.’ You can’t be in a relationship with someone who moved abroad and refuses to communicate with you.” I point