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CHAPTER 37: SANDRA
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TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 38: JACK
Something in me shattered as I walked away from her. I didn't know what it was, and I couldn't think straight enough to even care what it was. I just knew it was a big part of me – a big part of me that was all about her.“Fuck!” I punched the wall outside the frat house and rested my head against it. “Fuck,” I muttered more quietly, pushing off of it and storming through the door.The door slammed into the wall behind it, the noise rebounding off the walls of the hallway. I kicked it shut behind me, seeing red everywhere. Anger was all I could let myself feel.But anger at what? Her? Me? Anger because I fell? Anger because she played me like I should have her?“What the hell?” Austin's face appeared at the top of the stairs. “Jack?”I looked up at him, my chest heaving as I tried to control the bubbling emotions in my chest. I gripped the banister with a shaking hand and ran up the stairs two at a time, my shoulder knocking into Austin as I passed him.“Dude? What?” He threw his arms
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 39: SANDRA
I hadn't seen him for five days. I hadn't been to English because I was not ready to see him. The pain without him was bad enough. That all-encompassing loneliness. I didn't realize how much he took away the pain until.... Until he stopped being there to take it from me. I thought seeing him now would make it impossible. It was bad enough in my other classes – snide, triumphant looks from other girls, appreciative glances from the guys – all because I was not his anymore. All because it went the way everyone always thought it would. I never imagined it'd hurt so much. But Jack was right. I got what I wanted – what I originally wanted. Right now, I'd like nothing more than to have him wrap his arms around me and kiss the corners of my eyes, like he always used to whenever I was upset. But it was not like that anymore. I held my books tighter to my chest and ducked my head, hiding behind my hair. I'd dealt with pain before. I had suffered loss and heartbreak, I could do it again. It
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 40: JACK
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck and another fuck.I stared at the space she just left through. A great, big, gaping hole. That was what she does.She comes into your life in a wild burst of color, filling an empty space you didn't know was there. And when she leaves, she takes it all with her, painting it in shades of black and white.I pushed off the wall. I was determined to find her and explain. Two hands grabbed my arms.“Jack, leave her, bro.” Austin tugged me back. “Let her calm down.”Calm down? “No. Fuck no.”“Jack.” Maggie appeared in front of me and I tried to focus on her. “He's right. She needs to calm down.”“No,” I argued. “She needs to know the truth, Maggy! She needs to know the damn truth!”“And she will.” She cupped my face and made me look at her. Made me focus. “She will, when she's calm. She's hurtin', Jack. Let her deal with it.”Hurt. Hurt that I put there.Prick.I shook off Josh and Austin and headed for the backyard, slamming the door open hard. I stormed to the side of
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 41: SANDRA
The house was the same as I left it, and a half shiver ran down my spine as I stepped from the cab. I waved to the driver in thanks as he left and looked at the house properly.Built just outside of city limits, our two-story house had been home my whole life. I played on the now yellowing grass in the front yard, planted the wilting flowers and, with Patrick, helped Dad painted the little fence that surrounded it.A white picket fence. Cliché, but it was what Mom wanted - and Mom got it. It was the perfect family home. Until she died.Now, the house was a shell of what it once was. There was no laughing in the kitchen at breakfast, no water fought when the flowers needed watering, and no Candy, Mom's cocker spaniel, there to greet you at the front door. Candy went not long after Mom.I unhooked the gate and walked to the front door, tugging my suitcase along after me in the darkness. I knocked once on the door and stepped inside, noting the gentle light coming from the front room.“D
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 42: JACK
“New York? She's in fucking New York?” I yelled at Maggie and kicked the bar in the kitchen. “Why is she there?”“Because she doesn't want to be here,” she replied simply, sipping a lemonade.“Have a fucking point for your smart-ass board, Maggie,” I replied. “How are you so calm? She's in fucking New York!”“I know where she is. She's at her Dad's, and she's safe. She needs to-”“Don't you fuckin' dare tell me she needs to calm down! You told me that last night, and now she's not even here! If you'd just let me go after her-”“You would have done something stupid, like pin her against a wall and force her to listen to you.” Maggie looked at me pointedly.“Well,” I said uncomfortably. “It wouldn't be unrealistic to say I'd do that.”“Thank you.”“But that's not the point,” I protested. “The point is, she's in New York. I'm in fucking California. How am I supposed to tell her the truth?”“Which is what?”“You know, Maggie. Don't treat me like a fool.”“Y'know what, Jack?” Her blue eyes
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 43: SANDRA
After scrubbing the kitchen to work out the breakdown of this morning, I grabbed my coffee mug in both hands and sunk into one of the kitchen chairs. It was not quite Starbucks, but for the first time in a year, I didn't have the energy to make the run two blocks across to the nearest coffee shop.The floorboards creaked from upstairs, and a few seconds later Dad shuffled into the kitchen. He was already dressed – I guess I blocked everything out when I was cleaning.“Morning, Sandra.” He kissed the top of my head and stopped, looking around. “Kitchen looks clean.”I shrugged a shoulder. “I needed something to do.”He glanced at me as he poured a coffee. He took four tablets from the bottles lined behind the kettle and threw them back, washing them down with the coffee. Dad made his way to the table and sat opposite me, his gray-blue eyes studying me.“So,” I said to break the silence. “Do you usually sleep this late?”He grunted. “Like I said, damn tablets give me insomnia. So lately
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 44: JACK
It was Thursday night, and some prick – I didn't know who – had decided to have a party at the frat house. I'd put my money on Austin. He had been trying to get me out of my 'fuckin' ridiculous mood' since Sandra left.But it didn't work like that.She had been in Brooklyn for five days now. Every day she was there, shewas not here. I knew, Captain Fucking Obvious with that statement, but I wanted her here.I wanted her here in front of me so I could cup her cheeks and wipe away the tears. I wanted to hold her and promise her the world, apologize for everything. I wanted to know she felt the same. I wanted to know it wasn't just a game for her, either.The worst part was I'd play it all over again if it meant another few weeks where we were happy.“Look, I'm not interested.” I gently pushed yet another girl away from me. She pouted and sticked her chest out, batting her eyelashes. I sighed and shook my head, turning my attention to where Maggie was throwing back shots with Kayle. The
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 45: SANDRA
Pushing my thoughts of Jack to the back of my mind, I pulled my suitcase down the stairs. It had been a strange few days at home, rife with emotion and thinking. And the worst was yet to come, because I still hadn't admitted to Dad why I came home so quickly. I knew he was about to find out.“Well, you have a safe trip back home, Sandra,” Dad said and hugged me tightly.“I'm home right now, Dad. I'm just going back to school,” I replied and extricated myself from his arms.“Oh, no, honey. Wherever your heart is, that's where your home is. I think you left your heart in California. University of California, Berkeley, to be exact.”I narrowed my eyes and looked at him. “What?”“It doesn't take a genius to work out you fell in love and ran, Sandra. Your Mom did the same thing when we were younger. But you know what, Sandra? You have to fight for love, because it doesn't come easily, not the real thing, anyway. I don't know who this guy is, or what's happened, but running won't make it be
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TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 83: EPILOGUE (AUSTIN)
I tugged the zipper of my jacket up higher as a cold wind blew in off San Francisco Bay, and fought the urge to turn and ran back to the marina. I won’t run. This was something that had to be done, for me.Maggie squeezed my hand, curling into my arm, and we began to walk into the small cemetery where my mom was buried.I felt sick. Emotion stronger than I had felt in a long time swirled around my whole body, from hatred to pity, fear to anger, yet through it all … Through it all was a bit of love for the woman that tried and failed to give me life.We weaved silently through the graves and markers, heading to the back of the cemetery. I held the white rose I bought tightly, clutching it to my chest, and tried to breathe deeply.I would never forgive her and I would never forget her, but I could finally be at peace with her.The small, black marble headstone sat alongside my
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 82: MAGGIE
I slid down from Storm’s back and patted his neck lovingly, hooking his reins around a tree branch in the shade. I took my helmet off, shook out my hair, and looked under the roots for the basket I asked June to place there earlier. Storm turned his attention to the water I had given him, and I lied the blanket out on the ground on the other side of the small tree. Excited, I sat down and waited for Austin to catch up.Palm Canyon trail was one of my favorite to take – it always had been. Sitting there by the stream and letting Storm rest was a weekly pastime before I left for Berkeley. We’d do the other trails on our other rides, but our Saturdays were always reserved for this.And now I remembered why.The green of the fauna was a stark contrast to the barren desert beyond, and the rocks that dotted the stream were just big enough to sit on. It was beautiful here. Peaceful in the winter when no one came here.“How do I get down?&
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 81: AUSTIN(cont..)
Maggie ran her hand down my body, her fingers tracing the defining lines of the muscle. I sighed deeply, pulling her closer to me, and breathed in the vanilla scent of her hair. No matter where she had been or what she had done, she always smelt like vanilla.“What are we doing today?” I asked, my fingertips following the curve of her spine right to her ass.She shuddered. “I thought we could go riding.”“I get the feeling we’re not talking about bedroom riding.”She looked up at me, her hair messy, and smiled. “No. Horse riding. I don’t go at college and I miss it.”“I’ve never ridden a horse.”“I’ll teach you.”“Um.”“You taught me to fish,” she reminded me. “You made me fish!”“I guess there’s no way around this, huh?”She shook her head, rolling on top of me. Her knees went either side of my hips, trapping me, and her hair fell around my face. She slowly lowered her face to mine, sucking my bottom lip into her mouth and grazing her teeth across it. I slid my hands along her thighs
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 80: AUSTIN
“This is going to be a disaster,” Maggie muttered, pulling onto a street with houses worth more than I could ever dream of making. Most were three-story buildings, all with driveways, garages and perfectly pruned front yards.I fidgeted in my seat. A small voice in the back of my mind whispered about the differences in our lives. It reminded me how different it was here compared to where I started life in San Francisco. I glanced at Maggie and told the voice to fuck off.My past doesn’t define who I am. The here and now does.Gramps whistled low. “What, you got a pool and all?”“Hope you brought your swimming trunks,” she commented in a chipper voice.“Good job I did, then.” Gramps patted his stomach. “Love a good swim.”She turned the car onto a driveway leading to one of the three-story houses. The drive was lined by circular bushes and winter flowers. I looked up at the hou
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 79: MAGGIE(cont..)
Everything was easier when the secret was out. Now I didn’t have to worry about looking at Austin wrong or saying something that might look suspicious. I didn’t have to watch my every movement, bite my tongue or clench my fists so I didn’t touch him.And I loved it.I loved that we could just be.I didn’t care about the whispers from people outside our circle of friends, the ones who didn’t know the truth, and I didn’t care about the looks that came from other girls. I just cared that I could fall into his arms when I found him standing outside my classroom, just like he was now.“Shakespeare hasn’t killed you yet, then,” he said as he smiled at me, taking my hand.I looked over at him. “No, not yet, but there’s every possibility of it in the future.”“Not a damn chance.”“How
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 78: MAGGIE
“Are you telling me I could be standing here all day and not catch a thing?”Gramps cacklesd across the boat. “That’s exactly what he’s telling you!”I turned my face toward Austin, and he grinned. “What?”“I can’t believe I got roped into this.” This was ridiculous. I ate fish. I didn’t catch it. Hell.“Hey.” His hands fell to my hips and he nudged my collar from my neck with his nose. His lips brushed the skin of my neck. “This was your idea, remember?”“Yes …” My idea for them.Austin’s nose ran up and down my neck, his breath hot against me, and I swallowed.“So you didn’t get roped into anything. You had to know that you’d end up fishing,” he reasoned.“Mhmm.”“So why are you so surprised?”I shivered when he took a deep breath and exhaled against my skin. His hands slid down my sides to the front pockets of my jeans. He placed his fingers in them, spreading them out and stroking my legs, before taking them back out.“I’m not,” I whispered.“Then don’t complain.” He was smiling a
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 77: AUSTIN (cont..)
“What are we doing?” I asked as Maggie tugged me towards my car.“It’s Sunday,” she said simply. “We’re going to see your Gramps.”“Okay, but that doesn’t explain why you have a damn picnic basket with you.”“Fine – we’re going to see your Gramps and take him out for the day. Better?” She raised an eyebrow at me, and I grinned, starting the engine up.“Much. But where are we going?”“You’ll see.”She settled back in her seat, smiling to herself. If I’d hoped to get any clues from her outfit, I’d definitely not got any luck. Her jeans, jacket, and boots were nothing out of the ordinary – but her tied up hair was.Not that it meant anything in particular … Apart from making me want to nuzzle her bare neck.We pulled up outside Gramps’ house and got out. When I opened the door, I wa
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 76: AUSTIN
The rough bark of the tree dug into my back. Apart from with Maggie, outside was the only place that gave me peace. Even as I waited for the inevitable conversation with Jack – the one where I’ll have to admit why I need her so much. He deserved that much after what we had done to him, and I was ready for it. Because of Maggie I was finally ready to start opening up about my life.“Still a spacey bastard.” He smirked.“No fist in my eye?” I smirked back at him.He shrugged a shoulder. “I considered it. Several fucking times. Then figured it just ain’t worth it since I’d probably get more punches from those damn girls than it’s worth.”He was probably right.“But that doesn’t mean I won’t kick the shit out of you if you break her fucking heart.”“I wasn’t joking when I said I loved her yesterday,” I said bluntly, staring him down with t
TOXIC LOVE CHAPTER 75: MAGGIE ( cont..)
My heart was in complete contradiction of itself. Lying there in Austin’s arms, half of it was lighter than it had been in the last few weeks. The lightness came from the truth being told. But the other half was heavy, like a lead weight was holding it down and pinning it to the ground.I shifted, and Austin’s grip on me tightened. I ran my fingers through his hair, smoothing it back from his face, and studied him. Now he looked like he was at peace. The lines on his forehead I had seen so many times were now completely smooth, his mouth was slightly open, and his breathing was even and steady.But his peace had come at the torment of my best friend – who was somewhere in this house, probably awake. He’d be hating himself for being mad at me, happy I found the love he had, and guilty I felt like I couldn’t tell him.In fact he wouldn’t be at the house. I knew exactly where he’ll be.I climbed out of bed, and there
