Chapter 1

“Sittin' all alone, mouth full of gum, In the driveway my friends aren't far, In the back of my car lay their bodies, Where's my mind? Where’s my mind?” I slowly lifted my body, using my upper boy’s strength and slowly did some tricks up the pole. 

I close my eyes and feel the lyrics and tempo of the music, combining it with my whole-body movements, 

“Maybe it's in the gutter where I left my lover, what an expensive fake, My V is for Vendetta thought that I'd feel better, but now I got a bellyache”

“They'll be here pretty soon lookin' through my room for the money, I'm bitin' my nails, I'm too young to go to jail it's kinda funny, Where's my mind? Where's my mind? Where's my mind? Where's my mind?” I sexually sway my hips, walk around the pole while staring at my reflection through the mirror. 

Making those expression filled with passion, “I lost my mind” I whispered while dancing and let my body move as one with the music. Start making tricks in the pole. I've been repeating this music and tricks for almost one hour.

I want to make it perfect and achieve the view of tricks, I wanna see when I’m performing, the angles of my feet, my hair, my arms and my face. I want everything to be as perfect as I imagine. 

“I lost my mind…'' I whisper while panting and keep holding the pole and lift my feet upside down. 

I did the last trick but, “Ouch!” ended up falling on the floor, I exhales before I lay on the rag and put my arms above my eyes. I felt so unsatisfied on what I did, I need to perfect that move. 

“Tomorrow” I whisper before I stand up, start grabbing my towel and water bottle at the side, get my bag and change inside the restroom.  I just take a shower before I wear my black leggings and boxer bra before I top my university jacket, put my towel on my shoulder, bring my bag outside and lock the practice room. 

While locking the door, “Paris, you're done? Let go” my friends called me, I looked at them and smiled before I fully locked the room and nodded at them, then followed them. 

Walking with this group of friends of mine, makes us feel superior and dominant among all the students here at the university. This group contains the daughter and sons of the university shareholders. 

“Paris, wanna grab the same diet coffee?” I glance at Stacey when she holds my shoulders and asks. “Yeah, sure” I said, “Yey” they said, then wrapped their arms on mine before the pull at this fancy coffee shop outside the university. 

I’m already 20 years old, and studying Bachelor of Science in Accountancy, first year student here in De La Salle.

I spend my 6pm to 8pm with them inside the coffee shop just talking about money and expensive stuff. I enjoy this kind of thing with them and I don’t care if I kinda disobey some rules. 

And after that they drove me home using Stacey’s tesla. 

“Bye Paris, see you tomorrow” Devy said and smiled. I smile at her and kiss their cheeks before they leave. I turn my back and open the gate of the house, enter the house and walk straight inside. 

“Louen your back, what took you so long, I thought you are out school, early?” I stop walking and look at my mom standing beside the kitchen’s door. “Hey mom” I uttered and was about to walk upstairs when she didn’t let me. 

“No, Louen, let's talk for a minute here,” she said, reaching for my hand and letting me sit on the couch with her. She reached for my hand and look at me with those uneasy stares.

I frowned at her, “What is it?” I ask and look at her, waiting for her to talk. “Ahm.. darling I just wanna say, that if you can stay away from your friends can you do it little by litt----” I couldn’t wait for her to finish and quickly ask. 

“What? What do you mean Mom?” I ask and slowly take off her hands on me, she sighs and try to cope up, “What I’m trying to say is that your friends weren’t that good influence for you, I just want you to distance yourself to them, even just a little by little----" I stand up and say, “No!” I haze. 

“I won’t do that mom, I’ll go upstairs” I said and quickly went upstairs, locked myself inside my room and took a shower. After that I chat with my friends. 

Stacey: We’ll drink tomorrow, I’m a little bit thirsty kasi…

Devy: Sure thing, drinks are on me.

Faith: No drinks are mine

Devy: Mine! I’ll pay for the drinks Faith. 

Faith: I can pay it too so it’s fine give it to me..

Devy: No way, I have more money on you, why don’t you just keep your money and let me pay. 

Stacey: Stop it girls, I’ll pay for the drinks and the bar don’t you worry.

I couldn’t chat them back because I’m sure Mom would not let me drink outside, I rolled my eyes and lay on the bed, “Mom wasn’t always there when I had activities back then but now, she’s always present scolding me!” I haze, and kick the brim of my bed. 

I hate this!!!

I sat on the edge of the bed before I decided to step out. I walk towards my brothers’ room and check him out, as I open his room, I always feel so weak when he has a lot of formulas and equations on the walls, lots of book around the place and him standing at the side of the bed. “Really? Still studying at home? Give me a break” I whisper.

“Why not?” he asks me back, I sigh and say, “I just wanna ask, when you said to mom that you are going to a party with the people, she don’t like did she let you attend?” I ask him.

“I don’t do parties, I’d rather stay here at home, studying” I instantly rolled my eyes on him, the good son! “Yeah, I forgot you’re the favorite son, who doesn’t do anything that could get Mom mad!” I said.

He nodded like it was nothing and said, “That’s because I’m their only son, and you're their only daughter.” I haze in irritation and close his door.

I felt like nothing when I approached him, as Ash started growing up, he also started having a lot of interest in books and studying most of the time. He got accelerated when he’s in elementary school and now he’s already graduating senior high school at a young age. 

“Dinner is ready Ma’am Louen '' I looked at the staircase when one of our maids called me for dinner, “Yeah” I said and went downstairs, a minute later Ash went down wearing his glasses and started eating politely. 

And I did my best to eat fast so I could get out of this suffocating dining table, Mom’s presence is suffocating me so much!!! I felt like one wrong move, you’ll get nag at.

“Louen” I stop chewing when she calls my name, “Do you want to go somewhere like vacations?” she asks, here she goes again the reaching out part which is basically useless. I shook my head and continue eating, why would I like to have a vacation? I’d rather lock myself inside the pole dancing room. 

“How bout’ you Ash?” Heard her ask my brother, “No thanks Mom, I’m busy” I almost laughed when Ash sounded like Dad. “Ah haha” My Mom chuckled a little and handed us the dish. 

“Ok, let’s just to it next time, right?” she said and tried to act like it’s not awkward around us. Dad is on a business trip again, so he’s not here, he’s always busy with his company while Mom---

My mom’s phone suddenly rang out loud, here we go again. “Excuse me, I’ll just answer this” she smiles and stands up before she answers the call. 

I counted, 1 2 3 4 5 go…

“Ahmm kids, I have an emergency at the hospital, I have to go see you tomorrow morning ok” she said and kissed us on our forehead and ran outside bringing her nurse uniform. Mom is always BUSY too. 

They are both busy! Couple goals right! Tss…

“I’m done, I’m full already” I stood up before I leave Ash there alone and lock myself inside of my room. While trying to sleep my phone rings and Stacey is calling. 

“Hello Stacey” I utter as I answer her call, “Hello there, we’re at the bar right now just an on-the-spot party going here wanna come?” She asked and I quickly sat on the bed and answered, “Sure, send me the address.” I said, “Send! Ciao” she flirty said, I turned off the call. 

I run to my walk in closet and change, I just wear a Balenciaga Spring 2021 RTW Dress and silver wedge heels. Also, I grab my leather jacket and sneak out of the house.

As I step out of the house I head straight to the party, “Paris you're here and stunning a hell” Stacey said and give me a kiss on my cheeks, “Thank you, you're on fire too” I compliment her and together with Faith and Devy we drink, dance all night long.

End up getting wasted at the hotel. 

I wake up when my phone alarm keeps ringing, slowly opening my eyes and seeing the sunrise shining on my face, a terror feeling runs on my whole system. I quickly stood up and grab all my things out and step outside of the hotel.

“Oh my gosh” I whisper, I’m late, Mom would find out that I sneak out last night if she wouldn’t see me in my room this morning, fuck

I do my best to go home quickly and as I open the door, I let out a tiring breath seeing that she’s still not here, good thing she didn’t catch me. I walk towards the staircase when I hear some voice talking at the kitchen near to the staircase. 

I slowly move closer to hear what they're talking about, it’s the maids. 

“Why does, Ma’am Louen acts like the revel child? She doesn’t have the same personality like her Mom.” I think that’s the new maid asking. 

“Betty the real story is like this, Ma’am Louen’s Dad doesn’t really get Ma’am Cybelle pregnant. Sir. Milo is married already with he’s ex-wife, during the engagement Ma’am Cybelle was so desperate to have child with Sir. Milo that’s why she gets some sperm cell from him and use it to have her own child with him. Now the rumors are that, Sir. Milo is just obligated to take the responsibility for his unexpected child.” That’s out most trusted plastic maid, Mom trust her so much yet she speaks like this behind my mom’s back!

“That’s so desperate of her, she forces Sir. Milo. That’s why Sir. Milo wasn’t always here, he’s just taking responsibility, he didn’t really love this family” that word literally hits me so bad. I know that it’s a fake new, and their just making bad rumors about our family but I still feel the pain of those words. What if that’s right?

“I also heard that Sir. Milo really loves his ex-wife, ma’am Amari” 

“Oh my gosh, that’s so cruel. Ma’am Louen wasn’t made by love” They kept on talking but I’m too done with their words. 

I hold my jacket tighter and go upstairs!

Their right, I’m just made by desperation.