4. He want to feel alive again

“ASH!” Xenorr yells as he sprint toward the scene “What do you think you are doing? HUH?” 

Asher eyes slowly moved toward the newcomer, he looked blank as if seeing this person for the first time but those eyes were so familiar. 

“Who are you?” it was a demand rather than a question

The question and scenario was identical to yesterday. He just stitches the last night wound now  come the new one

“I’m asking you,” Asher point the knife right beside Xenorr neck “Don’t make me repeat” 

“I saw you while walking home yesterday so I bring you here” Xenorr brief their encounter 

“Ah, what a hero” Asher mocked “What were you thinking? Bringing a stranger home?”

“With a little bit force, you will be dead” Asher slightly moved the knife closer, the sharp metal grazing against Xenorr’s neck.  

“I can’t turn a blind eye. I’m a doctor for god sake” Xenorr blurt out in frustration  

Asher laughs at the revelation “You sure are a good person, doctor but good people is dumb. Your kindness will lead to your doom.”  

“I don’t regret saving you, Ash. You said you wanted to live.” said Xenorr “Why are you hurting yourself like this?”

“Did I” Asher paused for a moment before continuing “really said that?”

“You did. I see your will to live and I know you wanted to” Xenorr said “I understand that you have been through a lot-”

“You don’t!” yell Asher with defiance “You don’t fucking understand at all. Stop saying that you are. YOU DON’T” 

“And this knife it not for me but I will fucking kill them. I will fucking kill them all” 

“So if you get in the fucking way I will kill you too” Asher warn “So doc don’t try to act hero”

“Calm down Ash. Put the knife down and we can talk. Whatever it is we can talk it out” said Xenorr coaxingly 

Ash's mental state is a complete chaos, he can’t seem to distinguish between reality and his past. His mind was like a raging fire aiming toward the thing he desires most, the thirst for blood and vengeance blocking his feeling of pain. The will to pay back is stronger than the flowing blood, immuning to the pain because his inside was more numb.

“How can you get to them in this state?” asks Xenorr trying to calm Ash’s mind “You are weak” 

“I don’t care. I just want revenge, wanting to taste their blood while watching them in pain” Ash casually stated his desired action in such a nonchalant manner 

Xenorr takes the chance of Ash carelessness to bring the knife away, throwing it to another side as he cups Ash’s face forcing their eyes to contact “I won’t get in your way but you cannot do anything like this. You have to be stronger” 

“Physically and mentally, only the strong can win” 

“...” Ash holds their stares with this emotionless one, Xenorrr’s words seem to seep into his mind as his raging breath becomes slower, his bloodshot eyes gradually fade.

“T-then what should I do?” 

“First you have to take control over yourself. You can’t be hurting everytime you wake up” 

Seeing Ash blank face Xenorr continue “I’m psychiatrist I will guide you through it but you have to fight for yourself” 

Ash closes his eyes as he nods in agreement. This Ash is a grown adult who knows and remembers everything unlike the last night version, this Ash was fighting with his trauma unlike that little Ash, he forgot. 

“Go sit down, I will clean your wound” Xenorr instructed the younger but Ash was in a dazed, looking all blank and 

“Ash?” Xenorr call out softly as if trying to wake 

Ash snapped open his eyes as he retreated from the older grips backing a few steps away “You have been calling me that. How did you know my name?’ 

“You told me last night” said Xenorr in disbelief 

“Last Night? I never see you before this is the first time” Asher said in his harsh tone as if accusing

They exchanged stares, one with suspicion while the other with contemplation.

“You talked in your sleep,” Xenorr choose a better approach, he can’t add another confusion to the already confused person 

“You just said that I told you”  Asher still urges the matter but it understandable consider his current situation

“I asked while you were talking in your sleep. It the psychological approach, I was trying to ease your mind” explained Xenorr

“I get it” Asher, he then walk toward the sofa sitting there and wait for Xenorr 

Once again, Xenorr bring the first aid kit along with the small surgery tool, “It will hurt-” 

“Do it” Asher 

Xenorr starts by cleaning the wound, there is no lidocaine with epinephrine at home so he can only stitch first and give painkillers later. He glanced at Asher once again in an attempt to ask permission but the younger one seemed indifferent. 

Silence filters throughout the process, with Asher showing no reaction as if the stitching were as soothing as applying lotion.  

Xenorr take the nitrile gloves off, preparing the staff and wash his hand before handing Asher the water “Here take the medicine” 

Asher eyes narrow at the wide medicine, he accepts the water and takes the medicine. 

“Come and take some rest. I bring you to bed” Xenorr gently lift Asher by the arm

“The mess,” Asher stares at the blood on the floor 

“I will clean it” 

“No let me do it” Asher was about to start when Xenorr stop him

“Don’t, you are hurt” Xenorr 

“I’m not just, just let me do it,” said Asher “You have help me a lot, this is the least I can do” 

Xenorr go to bring to the mop, “Let do it together” 

.

.

.

Ever since that night, Xenorr started his psychological approach to heal Asher's mind. It was hard for the first few days but things gradually became better, the grown Asher has slightly opened up about himself by telling Xenorr some pieces of his personal information. 

He graduated with a degree in business and art two years ago, he is 26 years old this year and he is not working. 

Asher's story is too few, he did not mention his family, past relationship or any trauma that make it hard for Xenorr to help him, he can only hope Asher will agree to open up more in the day. 

Today is the fifth day, like always Asher is on a chair opposite Xenorr. The session started with the basic question “How are you feeling today? Does the wound still hurt?” 

“No,” Asher bluntly answer, his eyes distant to a different places and his mind is blank 

“You gotta focus, Ash” said Xenorr

“Doc,” Asher called “Do you ever feel nothing?” 

“Nothing?” Xenorr repeat the question as he close his book, giving full attention toward the younger 

“No happiness, no sadness, no loneliness just nothing” Asher paused in his track, his eyes finding Xenorr “This is what I’m feeling right now. So you can stop asking if my wound hurts or not. It does not”

“It does not or do you not feel it?” Xenorr asks in return 

“It the same thing,” Asher 

“No it not,” Xenorr argued, he moved closer only keeping a mere distance between them“You are human, it is only right to feel. If you are hurt you shout, if you are sad you cry, and if you are happy you laugh”

“These things are emotions and feelings, it is natural for everyone to have them. If you forget we can work on that” 

Ash said nothing to the remarks, did he really forget? Was he used to feeling nothing? 

Xenorr’s hand covers Ash, entices and assures the discerning man, tempting him into agreement. 

Which is more painful, the body or the heart?

Is there really a measurement to this question? The Body will suffer and heal but the heart that breaks remains broken and time does not do shit. Time does not heal, you just get used to it over time. 

“I want to feel alive again” said Asher and for the first time that night hope shone in his eyes. 

TO BE CONTINUED…