5. His desire

“I want to feel alive again” said Asher and for the first time that night hope shone in his eyes. 

Xenorr smiles, “Alright. Let's start with something simple” 

They were in Asher’s room when Xenorr got up and led them outside toward the set up living space. There consists of a TV screen, a projector and snacks neatly placed on the coffee table. 

Xenorr ushers Ash toward the sofa; he then switches off the light before coming back with a big blanket in hand.

Asher frowns with confusion at the new set up, what the hell with this session? They normally end with some deep breathing and relaxation techniques. He stares at the busy going person for an answer. 

Xenorr just smile at him upon finish setting up “We are watching this new movie”  

“Movie?” Asher pondered, it's been a year, two years since I last watched any movie. He forgets what it feels like to submit into the scenario of own imagination according to the storyline, to feel the character's feeling, and the adrenaline of what is coming next. 

He stares at the set up, the snacks and lastly the person that has been helping him these past weeks. For the first time that night, in that moment he felt something new, the spark of warmth seemed to rush back to his freezing core.  

Asher turn his attention back to the screen only to meet with the pausing movie, a hand gently grasp him by the chin and turn his face sideways “You’re not watching this for nothing.” 

“...” Ash

“I want you to tell me how you feel after watching it,” 

“I-” Asher about to let out his response when Xenorr stuff a pop corn in his hand and play the movie

While Asher dedicated his full attention toward the screen, Xenorr saw the side profile of a cold face, the distant gaze ahead and the long lash that fluttered once in a while. Xenorr captures every moment as he continues to observe. 

Was it the room lighting or the ambience but from the side Asher was like a corrupted painting, ethereal yet stained with blood, alluring yet so broken. Asher was like a fragile string that would snap with a slight touch but also the string that begged to be pampered with care. 

The sixty minutes movie passes by shortly, the watching and staring time come to an end. Xenorr snapped out of his observation and went back to the original purpose “How was it?” 

Silent filter the room for long minutes, Asher has no intention of answering and Xenorr equally won’t give up. He patiently waits for the younger with an assuring smile. “Look Ash, it doesn’t have to be in detail. You just need to tell me what you really feel” 

“Nothing?” Asher bluntly answer 

“Trying feeling it again,”  Xenorr encourage

Asher finally met with the older gaze, he was wondering about this man than the movie “Doc, what are you feeling?” 

“Me? The movie showed the reunion of two lovers that met at the wrong time. I’m delight that they got another chance” said Xenorr, recapping the movie and his opinion

“Delight?” Asher hawk eyes were staring straight at Xenorr’s soul but he detected nothing. He swiftly look away averting his gaze back to nothing “If it’s a reunite, I won’t feel delight but hatred”

“Doc, Have you ever hated someone?” Asher

The question took Xenorr off guard, his eyes directly snapped toward the younger that silently waited for his answer. 

For a moment Xenorr is bewildered, he was wondering if he heard the question right “What?” 

“I ask you if you ever hated someone?” Asher tone come out rougher this time as if demand for an outright answer 

Xenorr's change in attitude goes unnoticed by Asher, his hand curling into a tight fist, his jaw clenching and his once gentle eyes replaced by a chilling stare. The weight of silence surface him back to the present, 

“I guess I do” said Xenorr, “Ash, it normal for human to feel hatred” 

“Even a gentle prince charming like doc knows what it's like to hate someone” said Asher “So what did you do?” 

“Hm? Do what?” Xenorr contemplate, he seem to understand Ash intention yet seem to not

“The person you hate, how did you deal with them?” Asher suddenly become interest and decide to pursue the topic 

Xenorr smile, “Probably cut them off” 

The answer has Asher disappointed, his amusing eyes turn dull once again. 

“How about you?” Xenorr

Asher's facial asks instead of his word.

“What will you do?” stated Xenorr. The question meant to understand the depth of Asher hatred and his traumatic past. 

“Doc, you said you will help me right?” Asher 

“I do. I will do whatever I can” Xenorr said vigorously, clearing stating his intention 

“I want revenge” Asher said with such a strong determination as if he is one step away from reaching his goal

This time Xenorr hesitates, he knows Asher must have been through alot to end up in this unstable state. The younger has deeply softened his heart ever since the night he saved him but the revenge he wanted. What exactly was it? 

Xenorr knows he has no right to be curious nor the gut to ask but Ash glinting eyes make him waver. The line between agreement and disagreement was so thin that he himself didn’t know which to choose. 

“You can’t revenge with this state.” said Xenorr

“...” 

“You are still unstable. Look, I might not fully understand but I do know you need more than strength to enter the field” 

“You need a strong body and unformidable mind” Xenorr explained his reason hoping the younger would understand

“I know, I know damn well doc. I have been there before”  Asher “So I need your help. I want you to cure my mind. Okay?” 

“Isn’t this what we are doing?” Xenorr

“No. I know you have been wanting to take this a step further or whatever it is” said Asher as his back straightened from the couch “I want it rough. I’m ready to face it” 

Xenorr sighs as he equally positions the same. His warm hand covers Asher's cold one “Are you sure?” 

“You might need to, no. I will need to tell you everything. Are you sure you are ready to do that?” Xenorr once again voiced his concern. 

“I am” Asher 

“You are going to face your biggest fear-” Xenorr was cut off by Asher 

“Even if I’m not I have to be,” said Asher “Because my revenge is bigger than my fear and I’m sure I can face it,” he moved closer “With your help” 

Xenorr nods, his eyes give reassurance “Alright, now can you tell me how you ended up at the alley that night?” 

 TO BE CONTINUED...