5 - Birthday

ELIO BLAZIEL SIERRA

I was frantically pacing back and forth as Nics was inside the bathroom, testing the pregnancy test. She'd been showing signs of pregnancy, so I bought a test just to be sure.

I was too afraid, knowing that my Veronica shouldn't bear a child. Yet we did that, with such caution.

We've been married for two years now, and we both wanted to have a child. I was afraid. But my Veronica wants to have a baby, and we'll be focused on her health as soon as she gets pregnant.

The seconds felt like hours as I waited, my mind racing with worry and hope. I heard the bathroom door creak open and turned to see Nics stepping out, the pregnancy test in her hand. Her eyes met mine, filled with a mixture of fear and anticipation.

She took a deep breath and held up the test. "It's positive," she said softly, her voice trembling.

A rush of emotions overwhelmed me—joy, fear, excitement, and anxiety all at once. I crossed the room in a few strides and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close. "We'll get through this together," I whispered, my voice thick with emotion. "We'll take every precaution and make sure you're healthy, Veronica."

She nodded against my chest, her grip on me tightening. "I know," she replied, her voice steadying. "We can do this."

In that moment, despite all the fears and uncertainties, a sense of calm washed over me. We were about to embark on a challenging journey, but we had each other, and that was all that mattered.

With each passing day, I became very careful about taking good care of her. She seemed pretty normal in her pregnancy days, but I just couldn't. I couldn't afford to lose her or our child.

"Congrats! It's twins!" My jaw dropped as Mira announced that we were having twins. Instead of feeling joy, I was devastated, overwhelmed by fear of the possibilities my Veronica might face during her pregnancy.

Her having a heart disease wasn't good, and carrying two babies at the same time only increased the risks.

Veronica's face lit up with happiness, and she reached for my hand. "Twins, can you believe it?" she said, her eyes sparkling.

I forced a smile, trying to hide my anxiety. "Yes, it's amazing," I replied, squeezing her hand gently. But inside, my mind was racing, already thinking of the extra precautions and medical care she would need.

"We'll need to be extra careful," Mira continued, sensing my concern. "Regular check-ups, a specialized diet, and close monitoring of her heart condition. But it's possible. You both just need to stay strong and positive."

Veronica nodded confidently, but I could see a flicker of worry in her eyes. "We'll do whatever it takes," she said firmly, looking at me for reassurance.

I nodded, my heart pounding. "Absolutely. We'll get through this together, just like we always do."

As we left the clinic, I held Veronica close, my mind filled with a mix of hope and dread. The journey ahead was daunting, but I knew that as long as we had each other, we could face anything.

I took a leave from my residency to watch over and take care of her throughout the entire pregnancy. It was a decision that didn't come easily, but I knew it was the right one. Veronica's health and the safety of our babies were my top priorities.

There were days when she suffered from sudden changes in mood, understandable given her condition and the hormonal fluctuations of pregnancy. One moment she would be laughing, and the next, she would be in tears. I learned to be patient and supportive, holding her when she needed comfort and giving her space when she needed to be alone.

Despite the challenges, there were moments of joy and connection. Feeling the babies kick for the first time was magical. I would rest my hand on her belly, marveling at the tiny movements beneath her skin. Veronica's eyes would light up with a mix of wonder and love, and for those moments, the fears and anxieties would fade away.

We had frequent appointments with Mira and a team of specialists who monitored Veronica's heart condition closely. Each check-up was a rollercoaster of emotions, but so far, the babies were developing well, and Veronica's heart was holding up. Mira emphasized the importance of keeping Veronica stress-free and well-rested, so I took on as many household responsibilities as I could, ensuring she had everything she needed.

At night, I would sit by her bedside, watching her sleep. She looked so peaceful, and I would often find myself praying silently, hoping for the best outcome. Veronica was determined to stay positive, and her strength inspired me. We spent hours talking about our future, imagining what life would be like with our twins. We chose names, planned a nursery, and dreamed of the day we would finally meet our babies.

"What should we name them, Eli?" Nics asked while chewing her food.

"Calm down, baby, the food is all yours. Wala ka namang kaagaw siya," sumimangot naman siya kaya hinalikan ko ang labi niya.

"Eli!" I chuckled when I saw her face turning red. She can easily blush with my small gestures towards her.

"Inaagawan ako ng mga anak natin sa food, baby. I'm still hungry, pa," I slightly nodded and smiled with amusement.

Tumataba si Veronica, her face is now chubby compared to before. She was once petite, but now she's getting fatter, but I still love her. I love every inch about her.

"Alright, just this once, baby. You're messing with your diet meal again." She nodded and continued to eat.

I watched her eat, full of amusement and love. I don't think I can live without her. She's bubbly and lovely. And she cares for others more than herself. Thing that I love the most about her.

"How about Vienna for the girl and Vladimir for the boy, baby?" I asked.

The names are very important for her. Her mom's name was Vienna, she died when she's giving birth to her younger brother Vladimir. Vladimir later died the next morning.

She stared at me for a moment, confused yet feeling excited.

"Alright, siguro kapag 'yon ang pinangalan natin sa kanila, maybe somehow, feel ko nakasama ko ulit sila." Nakangiting sabi ni Veronica. I mirrored her smiles.

But in the end, tragedy struck. Veronica died while giving birth to our twins at seven months. The premature birth was fraught with complications, and despite the best efforts of the medical team, her heart couldn't withstand the strain.

Complications arose. The doctors and nurses worked tirelessly, but her condition worsened. The last thing she said to me was, "Take care of our babies." Then, in a moment of unimaginable pain and heartbreak, she was gone.

The world seemed to stop when I heard the news. I stood in the sterile hospital room, numb and disbelieving, as the doctor delivered the devastating news. Our babies were alive, but my Veronica was gone.

Veronica died while giving birth to our twins.

"Elio," I heard Mira's voice, but I couldn't take my gaze away from my beloved wife.

Why? We took extra precautions just to keep her healthy. Paano na ako? How could I take care of them without you by my side, Nics?

Ang daya naman ng buhay. Ang daya mo naman, Nics. Sabi mo, we were going to watch them grow together, by each other's sides. But... Why did you leave me?

The room felt cold and empty, a stark contrast to the warmth and love that had once filled our lives. I could still feel her touch, hear her laughter, and see the spark in her eyes when she talked about our future together. Now, all that was left was a deafening silence and an overwhelming void that I didn't know how to fill.

Mira gently touched my shoulder, but her presence barely registered. "Elio, you need to see your children. They need you now more than ever."

I shook my head, my heart heavy with grief. "How can I face them, Mira? How can I look into their eyes, knowing that I couldn't save their mother?"

"You did everything you could," she replied softly. "And now, you need to be strong for them. They need you, Elio. They need their father."

I shook my head. I should be strong for them... But for now, I can't. I just can't. This is my fault. Kung sana mas tinutukan ko pa lalo si Nics, hindi siya mamamatay.

It should've been a happy occasion, but I couldn't help but grieve.

I was lost. Fucking lost. I don't know what to do. I couldn't even hold my babies, I was too afraid that I might break their bones or something. They're too tiny and precious.

"Elio, Vlad has the same disease as Veronica..." Hira said, full of worry.

Napaupo ako sa sahig nang marinig ko ang sinabi ni Hira. I couldn't accept the fact that my Vladimir has the same disease as Veronica. I can't afford to lose him either.

"Please, Hira... save my babies..." I pleaded. Ramdam ko ang mainit ma likido na umaagos sa pisngi ko mula sa mga mata ko.

Months passed, and mommy and Tri helped me with my babies. They nursed the two while I watched them. Hindi ko parin sila nahahawakan dahil takot na takot parin ako.

Napag-alaman ko rin na late development si Vienna.

"You should touch your kids, Elio. so that your kids can feel that you're here." mom gently said. I just stared at her for a moment, but I couldn't dare touch them.

Every birthday, I bought them gifts, but I couldn't dare to give them. I couldn't even bring them to their mom's grave.

Every celebration, I just watched them from my room's window. I watched them happily from behind, my heart aching with each moment I couldn't fully share with them.

The twins, now growing quickly, filled the house with laughter and energy. Their birthdays were always a joyous occasion, filled with balloons, cake, and friends. From my secluded spot, I observed their excitement as they opened presents from others, their faces lighting up with pure delight.

Yet, the gifts I bought remained hidden in my closet, wrapped in bright paper that would never be torn open by eager little hands. I wanted to be a part of their happiness, to see their faces light up when they received my gifts. But every time I tried, the weight of my grief and guilt held me back. How could I celebrate with them when their mother wasn't there to share the joy?

According to their nanny's daily report, the two didn't ask for her, their mother. Instead, they are constantly looking for me. It hurt me.

"Elio, I found the best nurse to nurse them. She'll be here by tomorrow," I heard Yasmir's voice from behind. I just nodded. Wala naman akong magawa dahil hindi ko rin kayang alagaan ang mga anak ko.

Sometimes, I question myself about whether I'm really a doctor. How could I, someone trained to save lives, have failed to save the one person who meant the world to me? The irony of it all weighed heavily on my soul. I had dedicated years of my life to medicine, to healing others, yet when it came to the most critical moment in my life, I was powerless.

I often found myself replaying those final moments in my mind. What if we had done something differently? What if we had been even more cautious? The questions were endless, each one a dagger to my already wounded heart. Every day, as I cared for patients and helped them navigate their illnesses, I wondered why I couldn't have done the same for Veronica.

I met the newly hired private nurse for my twins. Since the day she came, the house has been filled with laughter that I could hear in my room. My little ones seem so happy with her.

I sometimes watched them from my view, playing hide and seek in the garden, studying together. Her and Vlad helped Vien in her speech, and she was so patient with her.

"Don't be sad, how about a cheat day today?" the lady asked the two. Suddenly, their expression changed from gloomy to happy.

She really knows how to captivate my children's hearts. The longer I stared at her, I somehow saw my Veronica in her.

"Hey, baby..." I sat down in front of my wife's grave, gently caressing the tombstone. Her name was engraved there, alongside the dates marking her birth and her last breath.

The cold stone beneath my fingers felt like a harsh reminder of the warmth I had lost. I traced the letters of her name, memories flooding my mind—her laughter, her kisses, her hugs, her giggles, the way she pouted when she's mad, her smile, the way she happily caress her tummy because of our babies.

"I've missed every inch of you, Veronica. Miss na miss na miss na kita," I said, quickly wiping away the tears that streamed down my cheeks.

"Sorry for not bringing them here today," I continued, staring at the sky. The clouds drifted lazily, painted in shades of orange and pink by the setting sun. It was a beautiful evening, one that Veronica would have loved.

"I just... I needed this moment alone with you," I admitted, my voice barely a whisper. "There are so many things I want to say, so many things I wish you could hear. The kids, they’re growing so fast, and I see you in them every day. But it’s not the same without you."

I told her stories about our babies, and even though I'm not actually with them, I saw them grow.

"Remember the first time they crawled?" I said, sitting on the grass beside her grave. "I wasn’t there right next to them, but I watched from the doorway, too afraid to join in and ruin the moment. Their little faces were so determined, just like yours when you set your mind on something. They’ve got that fire in them, Nics."

I chuckled softly, remembering. "And their first words. You would have loved it. They were babbling, and I could have sworn they said 'Mama' before anything else. It broke my heart and healed it all at once."

"Sorry ha, kasi hindi ko sila kayang lapitan. Natatakot ako, Nics... They're too little, and I'm afraid of breaking them," I whispered, my voice barely audible as I sat by her grave.

"I know it sounds ridiculous," I continued, staring at the sky. "But every time I think about holding them, being close to them, I just freeze. I don't want to mess up; I don't want to fail them the way I feel I failed you. They're so fragile, so innocent. What if I make a mistake?"

I ran a hand through my hair, the weight of my fears pressing down on me. "I've missed so many moments because of this fear. Their first steps, their first words... I watch from a distance, afraid to get too close, afraid that my touch might somehow break them."

"I want to be there for them," I said, my voice trembling. "I want to hold them, to comfort them when they cry, to share in their joys and their sorrows. But every time I try, the fear just takes over. I feel so lost without you, Nics. You were always the strong one, the one who knew exactly what to do."

"I see them growing, and I see so much of you in them. They're incredible, and I know they deserve more from me. They deserve a father who is present, who can be there for them without being paralyzed by fear."

"I promise, I'm trying. I'm talking to people, trying to get better, to be the father they need. It's just so hard without you here. Your strength, your love... I need that now more than ever."

I took a deep breath, feeling the tears welling up again. "I'll find a way, Nics. I have to. For them, and for you. I'll find a way to be the father they deserve, to overcome this fear, and be the parent we both dreamed of being."

"I miss you so much," I whispered, my voice breaking. "Every day, I miss you. But I'll keep going, for them, and for you. I'll keep trying, keep fighting. I promise."

With a heavy heart, I placed a gentle kiss on her tombstone. "I love you, Veronica. Always and forever."

As I walked away, I felt a small spark of determination amidst the overwhelming grief. The pain of her loss would always be a part of me, but I knew I had to channel that pain into something meaningful. For Vien and Vlad, for Veronica, and for myself.

Driving back home, I thought about how I would finally introduce Vien and Vlad to their mother's resting place. It wouldn’t be easy, but it was necessary for all of us. They deserved to know the incredible woman who had brought them into this world and the love she had for them.

As I went home, everyone was having fun in the garden as they celebrated the twins birthday. I stood there still. Pinanood ko si Vienna ko na tahimik na nakaupo sa duyan. She might be thinking something.

Lalapitan ko na sana siya nang makita ko ang nurse nila na nilapitan siya at umupo sa katabing upuan para kausapin si Vienna.

She's smiling while talking to Vienna. Suddenly, the girl cried and ran over her. The lady immediately hugged my princess, and what surprises me more is that my baby is crying.

What is she thinking? It pained me to see her cry, just like she always cried every night when she was still a newborn. I can't even dare touch my babies whenever they're crying. How does she instantly make my baby calm?

As I watched Vien find solace in the lady's arms, a pang of jealousy and guilt washed over me. Here was someone who could comfort my daughter with such ease, while I struggled to even approach her without fear. It felt like a reminder of all the times I had failed to be the parent they needed, too paralyzed by my own grief and insecurities to step up.

Binuhat niya ang anak ko, nakatalikod siya saakin, kaya nakaharap saakin si Vien. Nakita ko ang gulat sa mukha niya nang ngitian ko siya. But she suddenly hid her face in the lady's neck. I chuckled. How cute.

"Nako, Elio. Mukhang iba 'yang ngiti mo ah," I heard my brother Emmanuel's from my side, but I couldn't take my gaze off of my baby.

"Hinalikan mo daw si Veronikka." Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi ni Emman, kaya napatingin ako sa kanya.

"What?" I asked. "Veronica?" Napatingin ako sa babae, don't tell me her name is Veronica too? And what? Kissed?

"Em, tara na." Napatingin ako kay Tri na tinawag si Em. Tinapik ako ni Emman tsaka nagpaalam na uuwi na sila.

I nodded in response and turned my gaze again to my princess. Pero nagulat ako nang makitang umikot ang babae. Her name is... Veronica?

She stared at me for a moment before she smiled. Kaagad din siyang umikot at may hinahanap. Our eyes roamed around, only to find my boy playing with his cousins.

"Vlad," she called him.

I saw how Vlad happily ran towards her. I... somehow felt jealous. It pinched my heart to watch my son respond so eagerly to someone else.

Vlad's face lit up as he reached her, his laughter ringing out. The lady smiled. My heart tightened at the sight. The way he looked at her, the way he trusted her so completely—it reminded me of all the times I felt inadequate, all the moments I let fear hold me back.

But seeing Vlad's joy also made me realize that he deserved that kind of love and comfort, and it was something I needed to provide as well.

"Talk to them, Sir Elio. Hindi ka nila mararamdaman kung nakakatitig ka lang."

"Chill, Sir Elio." I stared at her coldly.

"Tigilan mo 'yan hoy! Baka mas lalong matakot mga bata sa'yo!" I can't believe this woman! She just mirrored me! I diverted my gaze from her.

I tilted my head, trying to side-glare at them. Her and my babies.

"Nangangalay na ako, baka gusto mong buhatin si Vien?" I got shocked when she said that. She wants me to carry her, Vien? Hindi ba maiilang ang baby ko saakin? I mean...

Napansin kong humigpit ang pagkakakapit ni Vien sa damit ng babae. Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko at ramdam ko rin ang pagkirot nito. My babies... They are afraid of me. It's my fault. Kung sana kasama na nila ako simula nang mga baby palang sila...

"Vien, hindi ba gusto mo makita si papa mo? He's here, oh, wanna go to him?" Vien is looking for me? Hindi ko mapigilang makaramdam ng saya nang sabihin iyon ng babae. It's that so... There's a chance?

May sinabi ang bata sa kanya at tumango naman ang babae tsaka ngumiti. Nakatalikod kasi saakin si Vien, kaya hindi ko makita ang reaksyon ng baby ko.

"Gusto niya daw," I blinked so many times. Did my daughter really want me to carry her? I... I find it hard to believe, yet I saw a little hope.

"Sir, hindi naman po chanak ang mga anak n'yo!" She laughed. Her laughter was radiating like the sun. Giving us warmth on this cold night.

I move my hand to reach Vien's tiny hands. Nanginginig parin ako, and I can't stop thinking. What if I break her bones? She's too tiny. Too small. Too delicate. My babies are the most precious thing that has happened in my life, and I'm afraid that I might shatter them. Ang baba ng dahilan ko para hindi sila lapitan ng limang taon. Ang baba ng dahilan kong takot akong hawakan sila, when in fact, I just don't know how to take good care of them. Not without Veronica by my side.

"D-Daddy," ani Vien.

Daddy... She called me Daddy. Ang... Sarap sa pakiramdam. Naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng luha ko na kaagad kong pinunasan.

"E kung niyakap mo na kaya?" I glared at what the woman said. She just chuckled.

"I-I can't. I... I might break her bones. She's... She's too small." Kinakabahang wika ko.

She chuckled. "She's waiting, sir." I blinked several times and stared at my Vienna.

"Can... I?" I asked, barely a whisper.

Vien immediately hugged my legs. Nagulat ako sa ginawa niya. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng pagkataranta, hindi alam ang gagawin. Pero nung huli ay binuhat ko din ang anak ko.

"Com'on, Vlad. 'Di ba sabi mo saakin gusto mong malapitan, daddy mo?" She asked my Vlad. Napatingin si Vlad sa kanya at tumango.

Napatingin si Vlad saakin at nang magtama ang mga tingin namin ay ngumiti ako sa kanya.

"Daddy," wika ni Vlad.

Another time around, I cried. How can I badly miss these moments? Damn. I was too blind to my own fears and doubts. I should express my love for them from the very start. Why did I make them wait for five years?

"I'm so sorry, kids... B-babawi si Daddy... It's that okay?" Both of them nodded. Now, this is one of my most memorable moments with my babies.

"Happy birthday, my babies," I greeted them. Both of them giggled. And I remembered their mother in them.