Last Wish

Every mother's wish is to have a healthy baby when born. A baby that was born without any complications but my life was not like that. At the age of eight I was diagnosed with leukaemia, chronic myelogenous leukemia . It's not that rare in children so I wonder why I had to face this . 

Mostly mum would come sleep with me since sleeping became a problem for me. I was told that it was due to a history of immune system suppression . Normally I get to peel skin , infection , fever , coughing ,easy bleeding and bruising ,weakness and shortage of breath at night. 

I've been told by mum many times not fear or to think too much as it may lead to me suffering from even more symptoms.I believe in God and his miracles and believe me I pray to him everyday but slowly my illness is getting worse and worser. 

             

I can't even go to school so my mum order the private tutor for me .These past few years I've been moving from hospital to hospital ,country the country yet I haven't been cured . 

My dad lives far away from us due to work ,we hardly see him but I know he keeps praying for me. Today I ask mum to leave me next door with Kiki she did not want to but I manipulated her till she let me . While at Kiki's I was having a great time at least mum was not there to keep an eye on me every second .The glass of water slipped from my hand , my vision became very blurred until I finally lost it .

All I could hear with the faint sirens of an ambulance. I lay there frozen like a dead body as doctors performed all kind of things on my body . While in bed I had a strange dream which woke me up instantly only to find myself in a four squared white room with all kinds of machines on me .

        Finally seeing my swollen eye lid begin to open with blurry images ,I heard mom  whisper a prayer before finally asking a question."Do you need water ?"she asked before passing a glass to me . "Am I going to die?"I asked.The unshead  tears in mother's eyes fiercely run down upon hearing this . "Of course not honey I'll do everything to save your life. "  "Mum I don't want to die, I'm too young, I don't want to  ,I just can't leave."  "It's ok dear you're not going to die . " 

            I did not notice when Mom turned her face but she was crying and I could see that. Hearing that I had stopped speaking mum turned her face to me saying  "Everything will be alright ." "I really hope so ." I  murmured . Minutes later and nurse came to my ward looking for mum and after which mom left with her upon hearing the doctor wanted to see her. After half an hour mum came back to the room looking worn out."Mum what went on in there?" I asked "Mum did the doctor say I'm going to die?" This time I asked in a low tone audible to only mum." Of course not ."said mum  "You're not going to die you're very strong just like me so I'm going to tell you. Honey the doctor said he will need to start chemotherapy as soon as possible." Unexpectedly it like it's quite well surprised mum. "Honey don't worry I'll do everything for you to survive." With that I fell asleep. 

         I woke up when I felt something touch me ."Good morning sweetheart." Dad!! I exclaimed happily "How are you feeling today?" Feel much better seeing you ,thank you for coming . "Hey it is not fair I'm also here."Kika said. "Got you something open it and let's see if you like it ." It's pretty. Thank you Kiki.  Kiki gave me a journal of which I will keep till my last breath .

           Later mom and dad left to go and get some of my things for me since the doctor had not said when I would be discharged. It was then I started writing in my journal .365 days of love. Today being 8th January 2006, I'm in a hospital bed still fighting for my life. Mom and dad came to visit earlier along with my clothes and some essentials, they left on my persistence for them to get rest.

             Mom came later on and told me the doctor will discharge me by morning. I'm ten but I always have this friendly welcome by hospitals since I've literally grown up here .The doctor came in a few minutes ago to check on me,I'm currently watching Tom and Jerry laughing as hard as I can as I'm releaved of all my stress .

              Early next morning Mom came to sign the discharge papers.I'm so happy dad is back and he will be staying till I finish my chemotherapy. Mom drove home without saying a word since she feared she might  sob and since I did not want her to I kept quiet .

             When we reached home the first person I saw was Kiki, he was near our door step gazing on the tiled floor . As I stepped out of the car I noticed Kiki's steps widened as he moved towards me. Irene!!! Oh god I've missed you so much. Really!!! O.M.G are you ok Kiki seriously I don't remember the last time I heard that from you .Does that mean you don't miss me? Yes . Ouch that hurt. Kiki said acting as though he was hurt . I broke down laughing at his words .I was just kidding.I've  really ,really missed you .Kiki and I walked straight to my room conversing with each other.

              After a while  of  talking I felt tired so Kika left me to rest. 12th January 2006. I woke up this morning took my breakfast and mom told me that she has paid for my chemotherapy and that I have an appointment at noon . I'm so scared but I'm trying to keep it cool . Mum please I'll be in my room if you need me . Okay honey. I quickly rang Kiki to come over since I did not want to talk to him on the phone. 10 minutes later he came over to my room we discussed what I wanted to tell him  . 

            It's noon now I'm nervous I feel like I turn into a shelf of books. Breath in , out ,in ,out . Ok I've got this.I said this lyrics continuously till we reached the hospital . There I cleared all the unseen dirt particles off my dress ." Miss, please we have an appointment with the oncologist ." "what is your name ?" "It's my daughter who is here to see her , she's called Irene ."Ok madam have a seat .

            After a few minutes we were lead into the oncologist office , there she explained what leukaemia was and how the chemotherapy would be like  . Giving credit to her work talk about all the people and children she had worked on and how they are all doing well now . She told me it was all a total amount of 30% to 70% deal and that I could get better or die . "Then let's begin the procedure as long as there's a 30% chance I'm in." I said. "Then the nurse will guide you to your room Irene .

           Mom, everything will be fine besides even if I do die I will move to a better place . You have always told me how beautiful heaven is and I'm looking forward to going there . But you know something, I am not going to die now there are so many things I have not done and so many people I have not met and you know what ever plans God has for me I know death is not one at least for now . "Yes my dear  considering your age death is not one at least for now. 

                I was taken to my room seconds after I had spoken to mom . I was told I will begin my chemotherapy tomorrow . "Honey I'm going to get some of your things will you need anything ?" No thank you .  Laying in bed I politely asked Mom to pass me my bag . After she gave me my bag I took out my journal and wrote all that had happened today . Eleven more hours and my life can change . Around eight pm mom came to visit . She brought me some clothes and snacks. Mom thank you ,thank you so much . "You are welcome my dear ." Mom how did you know I will like an Apple and Eve to drink ? Seriously I don't understand. "I guess I know you too much ." 

              It's morning Mom left really late last night I guess it's when I fell asleep . I've taken my bath with the help of one of the nurses and I'm currently brushing my hair.  While brushing my hair I noticed that lots and lots of my hair are broken down. If mom was to hear of this she would feel very bad because she considered  my hair my hair Rampanzels she says it shines and looks likes hers so I don't plan on telling her .  "Hello Irene , how are you feeling today?" Honestly I'm nervous doctor . "Don't be I know you are very strong, Irene so we will have to pass some medications into your body and the rest will be given later. " Ok. "Arh !!!" was the only word that managed to come out of my mouth feeling the piercing needle in my skin .  "Ok Irene take some rest now ." Will do .

              Left in the room alone I had nothing to do than to watch a cartoon . Suddenly I felt slightly nouseous so I turned off my  mobile phone and slept .It's been a week now since  I started my chemotherapy I've been told that I will finish today although I have not seen any improvement I hope all is well . Now a days I have to wear scarfs to cover my half bald head .

            I have been given my last medications and from what the doctors are saying it looks like I was not lucky enough . I don't know but I feel like I have this kind of fear looked up in me. Is it because I fear to die? "Good Afternoon sweetheart ,how do you do." I'm doing great mom ."Honey you will be leaving here today are you not excited ?" I am mom, but I don't know I have a strange feeling in me,I'm scared." Honey everything will be alright ,just believe ." I believe mom ,I do .

                 The doctor just walked in my room she brought my discharge papers and also came to talk to my mum. The doctor along with mum left the room and went outside my ward.While in bed I had an uneasy feeling I wanted to know what the doctor was telling mum so I went to stand behind the door to listen to what the doctor was saying."Madam before I tell you this I beg of you to relax." "What is it doctor you are scaring me. " "I'm so sorry but Irene ,Irene ..." "Irene ,what!" "Irene is my first patient I could not cure ." Irene !" What do you mean I could not be cured?After telling me about all the people you had cured which are kicking and alive or!!!, were they are lies?  "Huh " tell me . "Irene !!!" Mom  I don't want to die ,I'm too young to die for God's sake ."Doctor I'm very sorry for my daughters behavior." " I understand and I'm  very  sorry Irene I should not have risen up your hopes too much ." With that said the doctor left and I was sent home by mom .

               When we reached home I didn't want to talk I feared I might break into tears and will not be able to control myself so I run to my room without sparing anyone a glare . I locked my door as I tagged on to my huge teddy bear and cried. After a while when I gathered enough courage to look myself up in a mirror I opened to door ."Knock, Knock honey can we come in?" Sure  . Mom and Dad I'm sorry for how I acted."Honey you don't need to apologise we understand what you are going through." Mom I will like to go and see Kiki wonder why he has not come to see me yet . "Ok dear,you can go but be back before dinner." Ok I will .  Thanks Dad .

                 I went to Kiki's room  only to find him with his headset on doing I think his homework. He looked busy so I decided to go but before I could take another step I heard Kiki's cute voice ask why I was leaving without meeting him. It's amazing how he could be so focused yet feel each passing moment or the moment things change . Kiki h- how d - did you know I was here . "Simple we have been together for a long time so I feel your presence each time you are around me ,and with you always sticking to your cherry blossom Victoria's secret there is no way I won't sense you ." Oh wow!! I did not record that you even know the flavour of my perfume. "Hey so how did the chemo go?" To be honest I regret wasting the money, I could have given it to an orphanage at least it would have been of help . "Hey Irene wanna play video games ?" Love to.

           We continuously played car racing games and all sort of boys games since after all Kiki was a boy. At one end I lost focus I looked at Kiki's face as though I had seen a monster. So was I seriously going to lose a great friend like Kiki? Tears began to flow from my eyes before I finally realized a tight arm around me."Is everything ok?" I'm fine just, nothing."U sure ?" Yeah. Oh no I'm late for dinner .Bye Kiki see ya tomorrow."Bye." Mom ,dad sorry I'm late for dinner ."It's ok go and freshen up ." I'm back "........Mom dinner was amazing. I'm going to bed I have had a really rough and tiring day. Goodnight Mom and Dad .Night Sweetie.

               I can't believe it's been a month since I've been told I couldn't be cured .In this  passed month I have lived as if it was my last day on Earth looking at an eclipse . I made sure to enjoy  every moment even if I was to die today I would  not care . I'm completely bald now but that is nothing to bother about since I just tie a scarf around my heard .

            In this passed month every wish of mine has come true . I feel pain at every inch of my body but I'm willing to endure it since I know my end is near .25th  December 2006 . I feel very weak please help me God I don't want to die. I wrote my last word on to my journal as I struggled to get to the bell mum had placed near my night lamp . Falling from bed with the big  "Boom "I managed to press the bell before finally drowning in darkness . " Irene ,Irene !!!"  

       "Doctor please what is wrong with my daughter?" enquired  Irene's mom" I'm sorry but she lost the fight ." "No !!!,my daughter can't die ,she can't leave  me ,she will never .I want to see my daughter please ." " Miss I understand how you are feeling but please calm down ."  " Honey where is Irene ?  Why are you crying ?" " She is gone ,my baby is gone ." " Calm down crying will not solve the problem." " Doctor please can we go and see the body ?" "Sure ."

          My baby's lips were pale ,her eyelids were red and she was so stiff ,where was my baby who always liked hopping from one place to the other . We're we such bad parents that God did not wait for us to say goodbye ?  

           I watched how things   went by with Kiki sobbing on the floor he and Irene used to play on ,how my wife Irene's mother went through Irene's clothes sniffing each one of them as she cried. It became clear how Irene was important to us , upon her illness she was still the joy of our home .

               This evening we all decided to spend the night in Irene's room ,even though it would hurt even more we just wanted to feel her presences It was then that I found Irene's  journal  and read till the end tears I had managed to keep   trying to console my wife run down fiercely . 

      My daughter was in so much pain yet none of us paid any attention. No one can feel the pain of another until they are in the shoes of that person .

               Irene had written that she wanted to buried a day before New year ,and so it shall be. 

In these passed few days planning and buying things that would be needed for the funeral is what has been going on . 

Today my baby is to be buried watching my baby girl's body leave to the six feet ground waters my eye . 

How I wish I could have her back how I wish I could switch back to the time she was alive. 

Pouring the sand on the coffin in which my baby had been put to rest , watching how slowly the visible coffin was fading until finally it's all vanishes and a cross is placed on it. I wish I had died and not my baby.

How can I look into my wife's eyes watching how the water each time .

           Kiki has been extremely helpful he even offered to stay till new years . With his arms armed with his school bag he walked to the verandah and sat watching the Stars  7 ! , 6 ! , 5! , 4 ! ,3 ! ,2! , 1 !! .  

       "Happy new year uncle , happy new year aunty ." "Happy New year Kiki ." "Uncle I will be right back ." Kiki came back with  his laptop and started opening a video on his laptop .

           "Hello everyone" Irene !! " Thank you Kiki for if this video  is playing it means you kept your promise ." "Well I don't want to see you crying because I'm going to a happy place so clear all your tears. Thank you for all you have done for me , for making me happy , you know what , you are the best maybe it was in my destiny to have a short life so don't blame yourself. I'm very happy I know I will be and I also want you to be , so whenever you miss me look up at the stars there you can talk and I'll hear you.  "Kiki please take care of my family." "Yes I will ." 

            Just as Irene said we all stopped sobbing . Last we checked a wild flower had grown on Irene's grave . Not long after my wife found that she was expecting a baby . Till then we will wait to see how the second life of our Irene will be .

               

                

            

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