Chap 2: [AHOE] - She

“You must have heard partly from Han. I've followed him for five years, been married for five years, total ten years, but till the time the accident happened, it was still a one-side love.

After the accident, I got lost in a wasteland. It could also be called spirit's land, although I didn't really believe in spirits before. I didn't know how long I wandered in that desert, just feel that it's a very, very long time. Long enough for me to reminisce about ten years, for me to understand, love is not something that can be achieved with effort. No matter what I do, he won't love me. Long enough for me to compose a long song, oh, did he tell you, I'm an amateur musician. Could not know if it was because the desert is too large, or because I keep walking around. It also made me suddenly remember a quotation, “How can you find the destination, when you don't know where you want to go?”

 Then, from the sky, the voice of the god came down, asked me to exchange a half of existence for becoming the person he loves. I didn't wait to hear the full sentence, agreed quickly. That time, I didn't even feel that exchange seems too good for a dying person.

Until the time I realized her existence, it turned out “a half of existence” is not about longevity.

She suddenly bursted into my world. Occupied half of my body. Stole all from me.

The first time I saw their warm, gentle smiles, and his gentle gaze, I realized all of my life previously was a failure. I have been their child for twenty-six years. Been with him for ten years. But within a few months of appearing, she won, won completely.

 The one they cherish is her. The person he loves is also her.

There was a time when I was in a daze thought that I could quietly borrow a little time of hers to touch his love.

 She had many pictures on her phone. Their smile are so brightly, so happy. Like I'm just a despicable third person who uses the female lead's face to deceive the male lead's love. You don't know how much I hate that indignity. But I was still like a moth rushing into the fire, unable to resist the borrowed sweetness. Every time I look into his gentle eyes, I understand that compared to the whole existence before, the existence flickering like a candle now is more valuable.

 However, those moments of happiness are like the tip of a bloody ice knife stuck in the snow as a trap, and I am a stupid wolf who greedily licks to death without knowing that it is my own blood. The better he treats me, the more I realize that he also has colors, can be gentle, can be warm, also knows how to love and take care of the person he loves, and so many years being cold to me is just because he does not love me.

Once I accidentally found out that in order to detect my presence, they even put a password between the two of them, I really wanted to laugh, laugh out loud for my fate. This body is inherently mine alone. I am the true owner of this house, why put the password away from me, watch out for me like a thief?

 One evening, I vomited for a long time in the toilet.

 I thought, looking at his expression, maybe both of them haven't known yet.

 God deliberately let me know first. Why?

 I loved him for five years, married for five years, but he never touched me.

 She's been here for a few months, and already pregnant.

 You know, children are often called the crystallization of their parents' love. Their love even was crystallized, what am I still stubborn here for?

 When coming back to my bed, seeing the pillow that had lasted so many years between us now returned to its original position, I knew that my existence for them was like a wild animal, every moment was unsecured. I fully knew that I should leave.

Unfortunately, I'm not the one to decide anything. Every time I stumble into their lives, the only thing I can do is to leave silently. I crouched in the darkness, quietly gnawed at the sweet pictures between him and the other "me", deceiving myself in dreams. I need nothing more than that.

 But why was she so cruel?

 Why, even my existence could be condescended to her, yet such petty little happiness could not be shared with me?

 For what reason, when I reappeared after so many days, I had to face the fact that the child was gone, and that it was my fault?

 Why she had to use her own child to harm me?

 Why she had to make the person I love want to kill me?

 Did he tell you I'm cunning, aggressive?

 Actually it's not wrong, just another way of saying smart and strong, right? The matter here is from the very beginning, you all think that smart and strong are not Erin Lewis's personalities. I let you know, that's the nature of Erin Lewis. Only because those love more are the losers, in front of him I become so weak, so low that I am no longer myself like that.

 What I really can't stand is, with the same behaviors, why am I weak, low, making people hate, but she is simple, fragile, making people wanna protect?

 If she was prettier than me, I might as well take pity on myself, but obviously the same face, why is it always me who is pathetic? Doctor, tell me, what am I different from her? After all, what am I lacking?”