6. Dead in the water

Tim gives me a sturdy hug.

"I think it's too difficult a situation to believe you, Alex. But I believe that you believe it, and maybe that's enough for now ...” I feel so discouraged. I so desperately want Tim to know it's real. But it's no use, I can't prove it. Tim has even decided to return. I don't want to come, I'm not ready yet.

“It'll be fine," Tim tries to reassure me, "We'll both find our way.” Despite my despair, I have to smile.

“So you let the gnomes show you the way back,” I say teasingly.

He playfully bumps into my arm, "Yes of course.” I feel sad that he's leaving me, but maybe it's okay. I get too caught up in my confusion between old and present feelings towards him. I need to focus clearly on my mission again. We both walk our own way, him home, me to the lake.

During my hike through the beautiful nature, courage slowly returns. The glass is half full. I may not have been able to prove to Tim what is possible, but I was able to change something in the past. With every step, the desire to discover what I can change about the fatal boat trip grows more and more. I should be able to prevent his death after all.

When I'm back in the boat by the lake, I unexpectedly tremble with fear now that I realize I’m about to relive the event. The accident was the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced in my life. I frequently wake up at night because I have nightmares where I drown, where I see him die. I refuse to talk about it with others, it doesn't work. I am then overwhelmed by such an intense sadness. Since then, I've withdrawn, so many things startle me, like I always have to be alert. I always feel tense, and even when I smile deep inside I feel the emptiness of the loss.

But now I have to carry on. I have to go back in time, to that moment. So I take a deep breath. I focus on the good images of that day, on his smile, on the touch of his hands, on his love. The light around me gets brighter, and slowly takes on its rainbow colours. I feel myself taking off, being taken away.

The Past

“Alex, get in the boat!” he stretches out his hand for me. His beautiful black eyes shine towards me and I feel my legs soften. Ha, and I’m not even on the boat yet.

“You’re so sweet,” I whisper softly to him.

But present-me realizes that I must not be carried away by the love for him. I need to change something, right now, before things escalate. Perhaps the easiest thing to do, is to put on a life jacket, that would have made a big difference. I wouldn’t have had to struggle to stay afloat and probably would have climbed back on board in time to save him.

“Is there a life jacket somewhere?” I ask, while still standing on the landing.

“You too. Now stop procrastinating, you can do this,” he says as if he didn't hear my question.

“No, I'd really like to put on a life jacket first.” Again he doesn't respond to what I say, but he puts his hand on my lower back and pulls me tenderly towards him. What is this? Why can't he hear me? I look at him wide-eyed, begging for a response. I lean back to avoid a kiss. Something has to change!

“No, silly, this is not the time to kiss. We have to keep the balance as long as we stand, otherwise we fall overboard,” he says exactly as he did that day when I did try to kiss him. But this time my whole body language indicates that I want to stop, that I didn't want to kiss him at all. How could he not understand that?

Then I hear a voice in my head, “Don’t get in the boat!”. I only now remember that voice was there the first time. I was warned then, I don't understand how that is possible. Something or someone had to know what was about to happen. But that's unimaginable. The voice didn't feel like my intuition because I had a really good feeling about that day. However, the voice did not prevent me from boarding the boat and from everything going wrong.

The voice confuses me. I lose all control over what is happening. I can't get out of the moment, I'm stuck in the original version of that day. I feel my body step into the boat and sit down. I see myself interacting with him as I had that day and hearing myself say the things I said then. Even the feelings and thoughts of that day dominate me. And only when I feel my body touch the cold lake water, I manage to break free. Manage to get out of that moment. The rainbow colours are finally taking me back.

The Here and Now

Back on the weathered bench that no longer reveals anything about what happened that day, I feel surprisingly good. I was just thrown off by the voice. I was doing well. Unlike the time travel to the music store with Tim, this time I could easily adjust my movements and say different things. That was only possible in the music store with a lot of effort. I rub the scar on my forearm, yes, it took all my strength.

I immediately decide to go back. I now have to ignore the voice and focus on making sure I only get into the boat with a life jacket on. That should be doable. So I let myself be carried away by the rainbow colours again, back to that moment.

The Past

“Alex, get in the boat!” he stretches out his hand for me. His beautiful black eyes shine towards me and I feel my legs soften.

“You’re so sweet,” I whisper softly to him.

And then I ask loud and clear, “Is there a life jacket somewhere?”

“You too. Now stop procrastinating, you can do this,” he says as if he didn't hear my question.

“No, I'd really like to put on a life jacket first.” Again he doesn't respond to what I say, but he puts his hand on my lower back and pulls me tenderly towards him.

I realize last time he didn’t respond either. Change of plans, I'll have to get myself a life jacket. I struggle free from his arms and look around for a life jacket. I walk to a chest nearby in which I indeed find, to my relief, what I'm looking for. I quickly put it on and walk back to the boat.

“No, silly, this is not the time to kiss. We have to keep the balance as long as we stand, otherwise we fall overboard,” he says. So strange, the conversation still goes on like I didn't walk away. Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm wearing a life jacket, this is going to make all the difference.

“Don’t get in the boat!” I hear the voice in my head say again. No, I can get in, I'll be fine. I crawl away into his arms and let myself be pulled to the boat seat.

He soon finds a nice pace to row us to the middle of the lake. His sturdy arms move the paddles powerfully and in a controlled manner. I fiddle with the life jacket that is still tightly wrapped around me. Even though I know what will happen next, I can still enjoy the moment with him. It won't be easy when I fall into the water, but it's okay, because this time it will turn out differently. I lean over the edge of the boat to touch the surface of the water with my hands as it gently pushes back. It's such a beautiful day, and I feel so wonderful with him.

How I missed the feeling of being complete.

“I love you,” I look at him shyly.

He beams at me, “I love …” Oh crap, this is how it started. I brace myself for what's about to happen.

With a jerk, I turn around to see what makes him so scared. The rowboat loses its balance from my too violent movement and starts to rock. I try to shift to hold on tight to the boat. But I can't find my balance on the boat, all my movements cause the boat to rock even more. And then I fall overboard.

I feel terrified but I know I have to trust that my life jacket can do its job. This time I won't go underwater. The stone-cold water hits my lungs with a blow. Because of the fall into the water, I go under anyway. The life jacket didn't prevent it but will lift me up. I wait to be pulled up, until I can float. But it doesn't happen! I descend further, where I struggle to hold my breath. Why does the life jacket not work?! I reach to feel it, but all I feel is my soaked clothes getting heavier and heavier. It's as if the life jacket never existed. And I completely panic.

My mind doesn't work anymore. I scream out in fear, and the water runs mercilessly into my mouth. I try to kick my legs and hit my arms, fighting for my life. But it's too late and I lose consciousness.

The Here and Now

I wake up startled by the blow when I fall from the boat bench. I am back again in the present. The panic is still in my body, mixed with a feeling of disbelief and confusion. I had changed the time, I put on a life jacket. But in the end everything went exactly the same as the original time. I tense at the thought that my loved one has passed away again. I'm torn by a feeling of wanting to go back in time again, but knowing it's no use until I understand why changes had no effect.

***

She immediately puts her arms around me when she sees me.

"Alex, never do that again!" Her concerns now feel so justified. I failed so hard and struggled all the way back to understand it, but I still feel just as shitty. Something stopped me from going to Tim. I can't face him yet. And with Susan I feel safe. Maybe because I know she can comfort me without knowing what's going on.

I immediately went to see her when I got back. I showed up at her door unannounced. But sweet as she is, I'm always welcome. Little has changed in the house, now her house, since we no longer live together. I didn't want to put her through the hassle of having to redecorate the house by taking my furniture. She had it hard enough already. It feels so familiar to be here. Especially when I sit down on my old couch, it brings back memories of all the nights I fell asleep here.

Susan puts a blanket around me and presses a hot teacup with delicious aromas into my cold hands.

"I feel so defeated..." I admit to her.

“Then why did you go to the lake again? It's not good for you,” she says sadly. I can't tell her. She won't understand. So I shut up and sink deep into the warm blanket. This is how it often goes between us: something is bothering me, she comforts me and then everything is fine again.

But this time I see something different in her eyes as I peek at her from under my blanket. She no longer looks worried, she almost looks angry. Her eyes are staring at me with fire, as if she's about to explode at any moment. I've never seen her like this before. Not to me. I get a bad feeling, like a premonition, something isn't right about her behaviour. She sees me looking, and that changes her attitude.

Vulnerable, she says softly, "Please don't shut me out..."