5. Knowing the ropes

My flashlight illuminates the edge of the lake where I am to warm up. I had to get up to avoid freezing to the bench. My head has no patience, but my body still feels tired from the earlier time travel. I realize that going through the emotions and thoughts of the past again asks a lot of me. I feel confused. Old feelings for Tim have mixed with what happens between us on this trip. I almost forget that my mission is to be reunited with the love of my life. But first I have to prove to Tim that time travel is possible.

Again I take a seat on the boat bench. I notice that I no longer have to consciously select and highlight images. The rainbow-coloured light that takes me along comes more easily. This time I cling to my present-self to remind myself that now I really need to try to change something in the past.

The Past

I'm nervously waiting for Tim in front of the music store where we agreed to meet. I'm scared to face him after our text messages from the night before.

In his last text he wrote, "Why were you so eager to know that I've experimented with men in the past? Why did you ask if you can find out if you're bisexual later in life?" The conversation had made so much clear to me. I realized for the first time that I could really have feelings for a man, for Tim ... And it hurt so much to know that he is straight. I didn't answer his last text and he didn't ask why.

That evening I googled if anyone had ever experienced the same as me. To my shock, I found that it's even a pretty cliché story: coming out and falling in love with your straight friend. The insights into what a person can do best, however, were not so standard, and went from one extreme to the other. Some gay men saw a challenge in trying to turn their straight crush. There were even gay men who claimed that they’re only attracted to straight people, something like the ultimate prey. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I felt more for the idea that intimacy can be confusing, but someone's sexuality is not something that just changes. My mind understood that, but my heart only hoped to find all the signs that Tim might doubt his sexual orientation after all. Because there are also people who are attracted to a person instead of being attracted to someone's gender. And whether you like men or women is not something set in stone, there is a fluctuation in it. And yet I realize that I should take the hint: hoping for the love of a straight man would most likely only lead to heartbreak.

When Tim approaches, he greets me as usual. A tension falls from me. He’s walking around full of enthusiasm, acting like he always does when we’re in our favourite store. “This bass guitar is the best, I've been wanting it for so long,” Tim talks endlessly about everything he encounters. I listen to his words and the enthusiasm in his voice. However, I don’t really listen, I look for a hint that the conversation we had over the text did something to him. But Tim is as friendly as he is always with me. There is this knot in my stomach. I feel sick with confusion.

Everything I thought I knew about myself is shaken up. How could I not have noticed all these years that I am attracted to men? Of course I had googled that question too. The term 'heteronormative society' that I found explained everything for me. As a teenager I fell in love with girls, and I loved to kiss them. In an environment where boy-girl relationships are the norm, I apparently lived up to that standard. I grew up knowing gay people, but they were only attracted to people of the same gender. In my mind that was the only option: either I was attracted to men or to women. And since I was attracted to women, there was no reason to consider that maybe I wasn't straight.

It is wonderful to listen to Tim when he passionately talks about music and musical instruments. His eyes sparkle so beautifully. And his rough look is suddenly so soft. At the same time, I also feel so guilty towards Susan. How could I do this to her? Am I cheating on her by swooning over Tim? I've never had eyes for anyone other than Susan. Once I love someone, there is no room in my heart for another. But since Tim, that is no longer true. How come I have so many feelings for Tim?

Tim chooses a guitar he wants to try out and together we go into a small demo booth. He expertly plugs the guitar into the amp and sets it up to his liking. I feel very uncomfortable occupying the small space with just watching.

Tim suddenly looks up and says, "I'm so glad I have someone to do this with ..." My heart starts beating faster, and I try to calm down by saying to myself: he only means amicably, he only means amicably. But I could repeat it a thousand times in my head, still my heart swells with hope for more.

"You have to feel this, Alex, the guitar just vibrates all the way with every note I play," he says, moving closer to me.

"Such a cool effect, it feels like an acoustic guitar," and he puts my hand on the instrument. I doubt it’s indeed the guitar that is vibrating, or whether I am vibrating at Tim's proximity and touch. There is something about the way Tim looks at me that wasn't quite right with just being friends. But my head keeps repeating: he only means as friends, he only means as friends.

With my hand still on the guitar, Tim plays a riff. His fingers move so fast and smooth. What would it be like if his hands are all over me like that? Stop it Alex, stop these thoughts about your friend Tim. Tim looks at his hands as if they don't belong to him. He is completely absorbed in his play. I can feel the warmth of his skin that has been getting hotter ever since we've been standing in the warm cramped space. What am I doing to myself by standing here with him in this too-small space?

Then all of a sudden he stops.

While he keeps looking at his fingers, he says, "I'm serious, it's nice to do this with you. I feel quite insecure, I don't have many friends." I can't imagine, Tim always seems to have so many people around him.

"Yes, I know I come across differently," Tim reads my thoughts, "I'm not alone, but I do feel lonely. Many friends don't have time for me anymore since they have girlfriends. Maybe they sense that I so badly want what they have. But I'm not lucky in love, I've been single for so long. I think I'm too boring and too unattractive.” I'm baffled that the tough man in front of me can be so vulnerable and insecure.

"How can you think that? You're not boring at all! And not unattractive either ..." I let out.

Tim smiles softly, "That's sweet of you, and I appreciate your friendship. But I'm not liked, not in the way that someone wants more.”

I’m flooded with feelings. I could remain silent and keep everything to myself. I have nothing to gain anyway, it is obvious that his desire is for a woman. That became very clear to me yesterday. Plus, being with my girlfriend Susan, I should keep my feelings to myself, I shouldn’t be cheating on her. But he looks so fragile, so knocked down by his insecurity. I want nothing more than to give him courage, to boost his ego.

And while I actually decide that I shouldn't do it, I say, "I do, I like you." My words come out powerfully.

Tim shakes his head, "No, you don't, not that way."

But I keep looking at Tim determinedly, "Yeah, I do." I have no idea where I got the courage from. Did I really say that I have feelings for Tim, while I know he couldn't feel the same for me? Slowly it dawns on Tim that I am serious, and his mouth drops open in surprise. His mouth, those lips, my eyes shoot to them and I keep staring at his sultry lips …

I must intervene! Present-me should take over from past-me! Alex, remember who you are, you are here to make changes through time travel, not to get carried away in old feelings again. It's hard to break free from the moment. My whole body is already moving towards kissing Tim. That's what happened then, the kiss meant everything to me. That's exactly what I need to change, I need to stop myself from kissing Tim. My head feels messed up and it's hard to stay focused on who I am, present-me. I'm not in love with Tim because I am not past-me. I'm here to be with the true love of my life, not to relive a kiss.

It feels like it's happening in slow motion. Tim leans towards me. In the past, I met his lips, but now I have to change that. I try to resist the movement of my body. However, my lips are already pouting. I won't succeed, the resistance is too great, I can't get it to move any other way. Then I do the only thing I can do, I throw myself aside. I hit the wall with a loud thud. Tim is startled in horror. I see the bewilderment in his eyes. But I managed, I prevented the kiss, I changed something in the past!

Tim rushes over to me and grabs my arm concerned. When the euphoria subsides a bit, I feel what has caught his attention. Ouch! There is a long bloody cut on my arm. Apparently I cut myself open on something during my throw.

I'm done, I can go back to the future. The white light envelops me again and the rainbow colours transport me back to the present. I just don't understand why I feel a knot in my stomach, the disappointment that I didn’t kiss him. But I don't want Tim at all! Not anymore ...

The Here and Now

As soon as I'm back on the bench, I shine my flashlight over my arm. There I see a faded but still visible long scar from a cut. The visible proof that I have changed something in the past, because this scar is new to me! I want to get back to Tim as soon as possible. Show him the evidence. I want to know what the change in time felt like to him.

The cold doesn't bother me anymore as I quickly walk back to the tent. Soon I don't have to use the flashlight to illuminate my path, the sun is slowly rising. I seem to be flying over the forest path. Ecstatic by the new possibility. It worked, I can change time.

When I arrive at the tent in daylight, Tim is just unzipping the tent.

“Hey, couldn't you resist going back to the boat?” Tim says soberly as he gets up and faces me.

“Look!" I say, showing my forearm.

“Why do I have to see your arm?”

“See the scar that wasn't there before, it's proof that I can time travel!” I wait for Tim to react frantic. But the wait is for nothing.

“Um … Alex, you always had that scar … I was there when you got it at the music store. Maybe you could have proven you can time travel by not having a scar, preventing it from happening?” I stare at him. Does he really not realize that I did exactly what he suggested, only the other way around?

But the kiss, preventing that kiss must have changed everything, right?!

“Tim, did we kiss then?” I ask him almost pleadingly.

“Huh, no, of course not. We went to the emergency room, the cut wouldn’t stop bleeding.” It was still successful. That kiss did not take place which means that the rest of the timeline must have been greatly disrupted.

But then Tim continues, "But um ... you kissed me later that night ...” Tim blushes. But that means there's no way I can prove that time travel is real ...