2. Back on board

This is where it happened. I gaze at the lake. I've been overwhelmed with guilt since that day. I feel responsible for his death. I should have saved him. I'm the reason he's gone. Survivor Guilt is what the psychologist called it. But it’s not just that I’m still alive, I should have prevented him from losing his life. I went through everything in my head, over and over again, and there had been so many possibilities that he could have survived. If I hadn't fallen into the water, if I hadn't been so afraid of water, if I ... But everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.

I stare at the place that changed everything. The valley is still so beautiful. The sunlight plays through the trees on the waterfront. And the silence, the silence is so beautiful and so deafening. Luckily, my ski pants are warm enough to plop down and recover from the long trip. The ground is hard from the cold, although the grass is still standing firm.

Then my heart skips a beat. In the distance I see the boat on the bank. I get up and walk slowly towards it, my gaze never averted. Like a danger I have to keep an eye on. My body feels tense, ready to fight or flight. Arriving at the boat, I sink to my legs. All the memories come back in one fell swoop, as if it had happened yesterday. But the boat shows that time has passed. Contrary to my grief, time for the boat has erased all traces. The woodwork is weathered, exposed to the elements this entire time. The boat is empty, our things that were never taken, have apparently fallen off. Nothing about this boat shows what kind of past is linked to it.

I can't help but get into the boat and take a seat on the bench again. That's how I sat back then, and he sat opposite to me. I close my eyes and let the feeling come into my body from that day, when everything was still so wonderful. I hear the soft lapping of water against the boat, I see his beautiful smile, I smell the fresh forest scents and I feel my hands touch the surface of the water.

It starts as a clear memory, but I grab it, and make it more and more the new reality, out of a desire to retrieve that moment. It is like a trance, more and more intensive, I go deeper into the experience of that moment. I've never felt so determined, so convinced that I can do anything by willpower. My sorrow is no more, as if it belongs to a future that is no longer mine. Back I go, to heaven on earth, to him.

The Past

A bright white light followed by rainbow colours penetrates deep into me. It's so intense that I fall from the seat to the floor of the boat with a bang. The pain of the fall pulls me out of the trance. I rub my knee, ouch that hurt. A red scratch is visible, proof that I am not imagining it. Then suddenly I feel a warm hand on my shoulder. Startled, I look up. My breath is taken as I look straight into the eyes of the one I thought I'd never see again.

“Alex, are you okay? You just fell off the bench. How did you do that?” he asks, concerned.

I look around. We're back on the water, it's summer again, I'm wearing the clothes from that day.

With difficulty, I ask, “Is it really you?!”

He looks at me like I'm crazy, "Of course it is, who else do you expect?” I grab his arm and squeeze it.

"Ouch! Why are you pinching me?!" he moans.

My mind can't explain it, but I don't care. He's here, he's alive, he really is! I grab the back of his head and pull him towards me. I press my lips firmly against his. Tingling runs throughout my body, the sparks only he could ever fan in me. We kiss as we've never kissed before, as if our lives depended on it. He pushes me away from him for a moment, to catch his breath.

"Wow, what passion," he says, looking at me seductively. His eyes also look questioning, it is clear that he does not understand. But I can't get enough of him, his kiss, which I thought I'd do without forever. I kiss him, even more intensely, even more passionately. My hands slide over his body. It’s really him! It’s really him!

I kiss his neck and sniff his delicious scent.

"Did you just sniff me, Alex?! You're so cute." I kiss his upper arms and follow the lines of his muscles with my fingers. I enjoy every inch of his body. I duck down and kiss his belly at the edge of his pants. I can feel how excited that makes him. I kiss every spot on his body that turns him on even more.

Suddenly, I feel a strawberry in my mouth.

"So, now you can't kiss me," he says mischievous, “Now you want to tell me what happened all of a sudden? Not that I object, because that was hot.” I grin at him. It's so amazing to see him again. Every little detail of his face, every freckle that I knew so well. But how am I going to tell him what happened? It is impossible to time travel and yet it has happened. It is incomprehensible, not only for me but probably even more for him. But it's important that he knows how much this means to me, I have to tell him. I have to tell him the insane story of his accident and my return.

“I love you so much and …” but I can't finish my sentence.

Before I get the chance, I see his body stiffen and his eyes widen with fear. And out of a reflex I turn around with a jerk to see what makes him so scared. History is gaining momentum in repetition. The rowboat loses its balance again from my too violent movement and starts to rock. I feel powerless, frozen by an enormous fear. It's not the fall overboard, but the end of this horror that I fear. I stiffen, this time unable to act. My trauma and my grief has been rekindled. All I can do is close my eyes. I don't want to experience it again. I can't bear to lose him again in front of my eyes.

The Here and Now

Then all sounds and all movements stop. I don't dare to open my eyes yet. But I don't notice anything around me anymore, so I carefully open my eyes. It's winter again and I'm back in the battered boat on the bank. I'm back where I came from. This return is almost more impossible to believe than being on the boat with him again. But it was real, it wasn't a dream, it wasn’t an illusion. And now he's gone again, erased from my life again. My body feels exhausted, too exhausted to resist this reality. Too tired, which makes me emotionally flattened. But I know one thing for sure: if I can do it once, I should be able to do it a second time.

While I'm sitting on the bench in the boat, just like before, I let the images of the boat trip come back. I see his beautiful black face with his enchanting smile. I try to get closer, to get myself into the images. But the harder I try, the further away the images get from me. I'm too exhausted to get the focus right. I don't have enough energy to get back into the flow.

A tear trickles down my cheek, followed by several. I can't stop them anymore and start to cry. I weep for what happened to my love, weep for the reunion with him, weep for history repeating itself. My body shakes from the intensity of the crying. And yet it feels good that it is finally all coming out, I have not been able to let go of my emotions before. And never since the accident have I felt as good as now. For the first time, I have a feeling that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

***

“Time travel? Are you serious?” Tim looks at me like I'm crazy. Okay, apparently I need to say more to convince him of what happened at the lake. But after another round of discussion, Tim still looks like he wants to put me in a mental hospital.

"Just to be clear, Alex, you believe you can travel back in time by sitting on the bench by the lake? And you're convinced it's not just some sort of post-traumatic stress?" I nod happily at Tim. Yes, that's exactly it.

“You’re crazy …” is Tim's final verdict after all.

Tim looks at me with his piercing blue eyes. He runs his hands through his somewhat long locks of straight brown hair. I don't know what to do without the support of Tim, one of my best friends.

“Alex, you've been through hell lately. We thought you wouldn't survive too, but you made it. I get that you wish things had gone differently, but that's impossible ...”

“But it is possible! I managed to get back to the moment of the accident. If I can do that, then I should also be able to change it. It must be possible to save my love.”

“He's dead, Alex. I'm so sorry for you, but you can't change death.”

“I get you, I know it sounds unbelievable, but I've really travelled through time. Please believe me, Tim.”

When I got home from the lake and my time travel, I was overwhelmed with people’s concerns for my mental health. Susan, in particular, was already so worried about my solo trip to the lake I wanted to make for closure. So I didn't dare tell anyone what had really happened. I told some story about enjoying nature, survival instincts that come up through hiking, and saying goodbye. No, my social circle is too down-to-earth to share this with them. And let's face it, I've always been so rational myself. No one was immediately convinced of my story. But when I showed them beautiful pictures I had taken by the lake, they did change their minds.

But I'm so fascinated and thrilled by the possibilities time travel could offer me, that I had to tell someone. Tim has his feet firmly on the ground, but he is also interested in spirituality. He was the only one who had any chance of believing me. But after telling him everything, it is clear that he is not the right person after all.

"Alex, talk to a psychologist about it, it might help you..." Tim tries.

I feel hurt, "I'm not crazy!"

“Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have said that …” Tim sighs, “What I'm trying to say is that you may have had some sort of dream. Or maybe you started hallucinating out of fatigue. You've gone through so much, isn't that more plausible?” He looks at me pleadingly.

No, I won't let myself be pushed aside that easily. I'm sure it was real. Apparently I have to prove it. Prove? Yes, that’s it! There must be some way to prove that the experience was real, that time travel is possible!

“Tim, you already promised me you'll keep this conversation between us.”. Tim's eyes speak volumes, he now regrets that promise.

“You don't believe me, but I need you. And that's why I'm going to prove it was real.”

Tim's gaze softens, "I want to believe you, but …”

"No, you're right," I say resolutely, "I wouldn't believe myself either if I hadn’t experienced it myself. Come with me to the lake, and I'll show you!" Tim is silent and looks dispirited.

It's better than having my plan rejected, "So it's a yes!"