Chapter 04

Namilog ang aking mga mata habang nakatingin sa lalaking nasa harapan. I have to blink my eyes to make sure I ain't dreaming or hallucinating. Kinurot ko pa ang aking pisngi para masigurong hindi ako nananaginip.

Napalunok ako nang wala sa sarili nang muling dumapo ang kanyang paningin sa 'kin. Kaagad akong nag-iwas ng tingn at kinagat ang aking ibabang labi. This can't be. Napaka-impossible! May teacher pa kami—

“Good day, students.” Napatingin ako kay Professor Ang nang magsalita ito. He's one of the school admin. “I know some of you are wondering where is Mr. Han. He already transferred to another school this morning and Mr. Farris came to take his place.” 

Nangunot ang aking noo. I raised my hand to ask for permission to speak. 

“Yes, Miss Azarcona?” tanong ni Professor Ang and now, everyone's attention is on me, including my fiancé's attention! 

Tumayo ako at tumikhim bago nangunot ang aking noo. “If Professor Han already transferred, does that mean we don't need to pass our research paper anymore?” 

Ngumiti si Professor Ang at sinulyapan si 'Professor' Farris. Ang fiancé ko. 

“Well, the decision lies in your new professor, Professor Farris,” sagot nito kaya't umupo na ako. He clapped his hands and said, “If you have any question, you can ask your new professor. I'll go ahead. Goodbye, students.” 

Nagpaalam si Professor Ang kay Pierce—should I start calling him Professor? Professor Farris? Wouldn't it be awkward to call your fiancé 'professor'? 

Inayos ni Professor Farris ang kanyang necktie at tumukhim. He then said, “If you have questions, feel free to raise your hand.” 

As if on cue, everyone—no, every girls inside the classroom raised their hand. Nagpipigil pa ng tili ang iba. May ibang beki rin akong nakita na nagtaas ng kamay. Probably to ask Professor Farris— yeah, I should start calling him Professor Farris from now. 

He may be my fiancé but we don't have any romantic feelings towards each other. We are strangers who were forced to marry each other to please our parents. Kung hindi ko siya naging fiancé, hindi ko siya makikilala. 

Pumili siya sa mga nag-angat ng kamay at pinatayo ito. And he chooses Alyana Cruz, the vice president of the class. Isa siya sa mga sikat sa campus and was the subject for Miss Campus last year, kaso majority ng boto ng class ay nasa akin. 

Tumayo si Alyana at pasimpleng nilagay ang mga takas nitong buhok sa likod ng kanyang tenga at tumukhim. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang mapairap. I don't know why my mood suddenly turned sour. Siguro dahil isa siya sa mga kinaiinisan ko sa school. 

“Uhm... I think it's a bit personal, Professor Farris, but...uhm...” 

Tipid na tumango si Professor Farris. “Go on.” 

“I just wanna ask, are you single? In a relationship?” diretsong tanong ni Alyana. 

Dahil sa tanong nito ay naging interesado ako. Umayos ako ng upo at diretsong tumingin sa kanya. I'm waiting for him to say he's single. Kasi sayang naman, mukhang pinagpapantasyahan siya ng mga estudyante rito. 

I'm also sure he's here for a reason aside from he became an exchange professor with Professor Han. Is he here because of me? Pero mukuang wala sa hitsura nito ang pagiging interesado sa akin. I'm getting married to him anyway. 

Nanatili ang tingin ko rito, naghihintay ng sagot. Hinihintay kong sasabihin niyang single siya. Ngunit nagulat ako nang sumulyap ito sa akin. His green eyes glanced at me before he answered. 

“I'm getting married.” 

Napaawang ang aking labi—no, hindi lang ako. Lahat kami ay napaamang sa naging sagot nito. Rinig ko ang mga mahinang bulong ng aking mga kaklase, nanghihinayang sa narinig. 

“Talaga, Sir? Ilang taong na po kayo?” tanong ni Alvin. 

Napangiwi ako sa narinig. I forgot to ask him about his age last night. We didn't have proper conversation since he doesn't talk that much. I can feel he's careful to whatever he is saying. 

“Twenty-five,” he replied shortly. 

Napatango ako. Ibig sabihin anim na taon ang gap naming dalawa. I'm nineteen and he's twenty-five. Not bad for him to get married, but me? I don't think so. Kahit naman ayokong magpakasal, wala na rin akong choice kundi ang pumayag. 

Matapos 'yung sagutin ni Professor Farris, wala nang nagtaas ng kamay, I guess they're already satisfied with those two questions. Ano pa bang tatanungin nila e ikakasal na siya? 

“If you don't have any questions, please be seated.” Tumikhim ito. “I still don't know anyone here so kindly introduce yourselves starting from you.” 

Tinuro nito si Daniela dahil nasa front row ito. I bit my lower lip when he glanced at me again. Umiwas ako ng tingin at bumaling sa labas ng bintana. Papalubog na ang araw at hanggang six pm ang pasok ko sa Friday. Mamaya pa ako makakauwi.

Nagsimula na silang magpakilala habang ako ay nakikinig lamang habang nakatingin sa labas ng bintana. Mukhang wala itong balak mag-klase sa araw na ito since kakapasok niya pa lang. 

Nang ako na ang magpapakilala, tamad akong tumayo ngunit hindi ko ito tinapunan ng tingin. I'm looking straight at the floor as if there's something interesting in it that could change my whole damn life. 

“Crizel Azarcona, nineteen.” I bubbled my cheeks after speaking and was about to sit down when he speak. 

“Mind to lift your gaze, Miss Azarcona?” His voice was soft yet cold. 

Tinigil ko ang paglolobo sa aking pisngi at nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya. The moment our eyes met, my heart hammered fast inside my chest. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ito nararamdaman, siguro ay kinakabahan ako. 

Tama! Kinakabahan lamang ako. 

“About your question a while ago, yes. You still need to submit your output to me after this class,” he said.

Tumango ako at hindi na mapigilan pa ang aking bibig sa pagsasalita. “Why not now?” Natigilan ako sa aking tanong at kaagad na tumungo. “S-Sorry po.”

“It's fine,” he coldly replied. “Please take your seat and open your book to page...” 

Everyone groaned in disagreement but was left with no choice. Lihim akong napangiti. I wronged him. I thought he would go around flirting girls using his goddamn face, but no. He didn't. Aminado nga itong ikakasal na, e.

Before I finally look down on my book, our eyes met for the nth time. Pasimple itong tumango kaya't tipid akong ngumiti. 

At least I'm relieved he's a bit kind. 

--

Humikab ako at nag-inat ng katawan. Kakatapos na ng aking last subject at pasadong alas sais y medya na. Nakakaramam na ako ng antok dala ng pagod ngayong araw. Dadaan pa ako sa opisina ni Professor Farris para ipasa ang aming research paper. Sana lang ay nandoon pa siya sa kanyang opisina. 

I went out of the classroom, hugging the folder that contains my groupmate's research paper. Nakasindi na ang ilaw ng buong hallway kaya hindi madilim ang daanan kahit madilim na ang langit. 

Lumiko ako sa isang corner at wala sa sariling napaatras nang makasalubong ko si Gio. To be honest, naninibago pa rin ako. Nasasanay na akong may nag-iintay sa aking tuwing awasan. And that is the most fvck up part of being attached to someone. 

Umiwas ako rito ng tingin ngunit nakataas ang aking noo. I don't want him to think I'm still affected. Apektado man ako sa 'king kaloob-looban ngunit hindi ko pwede itong ipakita. 

I'm not Crizel Azarcona if I'm a loser.

Dumaan ako sa gilid ngunit humarang na naman siya sa aking daanan. I tried to pass through the other side and he still did the same. Iritado akong napabuga ng hangin at tumingin dito.

“What do you want?” I asked. May kadiliman sa parteng ito ng hallway. 

He run his fingers through his wet hair and huffed. Hindi ko maiwasang pasadahan siya ng tingin. And suddenly, I miss him. Sobra. Miss na miss ko nang yakapin siya. But it's all over now. Wala na akong magagawa.

I'm bound to get married and that person is not him.

“Talk to me, please. Crizel, magpapaliwanag ako.” He tried to hold to my hand but I took a step back. “Pakinggan mo naman ako?” 

I titled my head. Bumigat ang aking loob. “Really? You'll explain to me? What explanation is it?” 

Umiwas ito ng tingin at tumikhim. “Tungkol doon sa nakita mo—”

“About that what?” I cut him. Mas hinigpitan ko ang pagkakayakap sa mga folder.

“Ano...” Kinamot nito ang kanyang kilay.

Mahina akong natawa. “You want to explain but you're out of words I see. But answer my question first, what is she doing in your pad that night?” 

He stilled and I can feel it. Kita ko ang pagdaan ng kaba sa mga mata nito at hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti ng mapait. Hindi niya kayang magpaliwag. At hindi ko alam kung bakit mas masakit pa ang alaming 'yun.

“S-She's there to ask me how to solve—” 

“And that involves getting a hickey on your both neck?” I asked. Nang hindi ito sumagot ay napaiwas ako ng tingin at mapait na natawa. “It's fine. You don't have to answer that. Everything's over between us, Mr. Robe. Now, if excuse me.” 

Ngunit sa halip na padaanin ako, hinuli nito ang aking siko dahilan upang ako'y mabigla. My eyes widened as I tried to struggle from his tight grip.

“Ano ba?! Bitiwan mo ako, Gio!” 

“Just give me another chance, Crizel. Magbabago ako. I swear, I can change for you! Give me another chance!”

Pilit ko pa ring inaalis ang pagkakahawak nito sa akin. “Ano ba, Gio?! You're harassing me, let me go! Chase Andrea because I don't care anymore! We're over!” 

“Siya ang sisihin mo, Crizel! She tempted me—” 

Natigilan ito nang lumipad ang aking palad at dumapo ito sa kaniyang pisngi. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I sobbed. Pinahiran ko ang luha sa 'king pisngi at pwersahang hinila ang braso mula sa kanyang pagkakahawak ang luckily, I did. 

“You're disgusting.” Tinuyo ko ang luha sa aking pisngi at suminghot. “I cant believe I wasted my life to the likes of you.” 

“Crizel—” 

“What's happening here?” 

Sabay kaming napalingon ni Gio sa nagsalita. And it was Professor Farris. Umiwas ako ng tingin at yumuko sabay kuha ng panyo sa aking bulsa at pinahiran ang aking luha.

“G-Good evening, Professor Farris.” Tipid akong ngumiti rito. “Pupunta po sana ako sa opisina niyo para ipasa ang research paper. Heto po.” 

Salit-salitan ang pagtingjn niha sa akin at kay Gio. Hindi ko alam kung nakita niya ba ang mga luha sa aking mga mata, sana lang ay hindi.

Seconds later, he nodded his head. “Follow me.” 

Tumango ako rito. Somehow, he's a blessing in disguise. Nang mauna itong maglakad ay kaagad akong sumunod dito sa takot na baka ay pigilan na naman ako ni Gio. 

I'm two steps behind Professor Farris while walking. Tahimik na ang hallway dahil kokonti na lang ang mga estudyante. Rinig na rinig ko ang bawat lagatak ng aking school shoes sa sahig.

“Is he bothering you?” he asked. He didn't even glance at me.

Tumango ako habang nakayuko. “He is.” 

Hindi na ito sumagot. Nang makarating kami sa kanyang opisina ay dire-diretso ang lakad niya patungo sa kanyang upuan. Habang ako ay palihim pa ring kinakagat ang aking ibabang labi upang pigilan ang sariling maluha. 

“Lock the door.” 

Natigilan ako sa sinabi nito. I lifted my gaze at him and found him unbuttoning his polo. Yumuko kaagad ako at parang robot na nanatili sa aking kinatatayuan.

“B-Bakit po? I'll just submit this—” 

Natigilan ako nang gumalaw ito. I became wary of his next moves. I watched him walked towards the door and locked it. Buong akala ko ay didiretso ito pabalik kung saan siya nakatayo kanina, but no. 

“You should start to get used of seeing me changing in front of you. We'll get married soon.” Natutop ko ang aking hininga nang hawakan niya ang aking braso at hinila ako para sa isang mahigpit na yakap. “Cry.” 

Gustohin ko mang humindi, ngunit luha ko na mismo ang dumaloy sa aking pisngi. He pulled the folder from my hold and hugged me tightly. Wala sa sarili akong yumakap pabalik at umiyak. 

For a moment, I feel lost. 

For a moment, I feel like I'm torn into pieces. 

I feel like a child crying on my mother's ams. Lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko magmula nang malaman kong niloloko ako ni Gio ay bumabalik. The pain is too much to bear that I could ever do is cry.

Humigpit ang pagkakayakap sa akin ni Professor Farris at ramdam ko ang paghalik nito sa aking ulo. I buried my face on his wide chest as I cried hard. Masuyo nitong hinahaplos ang aking likod para kumalma ako.

Habang umiiyak ay hindi ko maiwasang pansinin ang pagkagaan ng aking pakiramdam. His hug was warm and I can feel it. 

“As much as I don't want you to waste your tears to some worthless scumbags, I know I can't do anything.” He kissed my temple. “Just cry your heart out tonight because I don't want to see you crying again after we get married.”